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ME55ENGER avatar 8:11 PM on 05.17.2010  (server time)
The Unveiling of Tali (and Other Mass Effect Misfortunes)

So I was one of the few people in the world who missed out on getting any booty in the original Mass Effect. Naturally, that was one of my main goals in 2. First off, I have to say that overall, this was a great game. It reminded me of a Peter Hamilton novel. If you don't get that comparison, and you enjoy the atmosphere of Mass Effect, google The Naked God. The way Bioware created such a diverse universe is astounding. The background stories of things like the Genophage are just well thought up, and actually interesting. I might go back and read the codex someday. I highly doubt it, but I can say it at least.

So now I've completed Mass Effect 2, so suffice to say, SPOILERS AHEAD. Let's get the bulk out of the way. Why would the Reaper's form be whatever they're made out of, like Aliens? How does Legion walk around places like the Citadel with no one saying a word? How naive is it to think that EDI doesn't have complete control of the Normandy? Do you really believe that ANY of your remains were found after burning up entering the atmosphere? That one I'm sure will be talked about in the third game.

So, blah, blah, blah, great game, enough gameplay diversity to keep anyone not interested in the story in the game, cool upgrade research component, strategic (but almost utterly useless) use of power combination, pretty empty universe to explore, but not when you compare it to ours. There's my review, now on to my biggest disappointment.

So for two games now, I've wanted to know what Tali looked like under the suit. I figured I'd end up having relations with my assistant (we know how that turned out), then possibly with Miranda (not enough Paragon points when her and Jack got into it, sided with Jack), couldn't bring myself to get with Jack, so that left one person, at least for me.

I just realized how many times I've used "so" at the beginning of each paragraph.

So after some minor arm twisting even with the possibility of death, Tali and I were heading in the right direction. I started to second guess my decision when she went to hug me and I once again realized that she only had three fingers. I now have this image in my head of her actually having all five fingers, just the first two stuck together, but of course something you won't notice with three fingered gloves on.

After I get past the initial queasiness, I go through with the deed. Once she finally stopped babbling like an idiot, I yank off the mask. What follows was very disappointing. She jumps on top of you, and all we get is a shot of the two of you making out through the visor of her mask sitting on the table. Then fade to black. I was so mad about this, I almost sent her up the shaft on the suicide mission.

After two games worth of waiting, I still don't get the big reveal that I was looking for. I have now been forced to give an artist's sketch of what Tali's face actually looks like. Using my well-honed artistic ability, I am giving the exclusive first look at what many of us are searching for. Please understand that this composite was put together using two games worth of data, personality and body language studies, as well as a supposed testimony from Jacob after last years Christmas party. Without further ado......

See what happens when you don't give the payoff, Bioware? You leave this in people's minds for two games. You ever seen the scene in Top Secret, when the professor is looking through the magnifying glass and we see his enlarged eye through the glass, then he removes the glass and his eye actually looks like that? That's the image I have in my head of Tali. She has a Zucker brothers face until someone shows me different.

Any inquiries into the purchase of artwork can be emailed directly to me.

Mass Effect 2, down. I'll update with my progress on Monster Hunter Tri soon.

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