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ME55ENGER's blog

10:25 PM on 10.23.2011

Procrastination Review - Batman: Arkham....Asylum.

With Arkham City out, I felt it was finally time to go through Arkham Asylum. I've owned the game for quite a while, just never went through the whole thing, which is very wrong considering a) I've been an avid gamer all my life, and b) I have the Batman symbol tatooed on my arm.
Now, I don't have time to go through all the "completionist" crap in games anymore, so here's the deal. I've restarted my Gamefly account. I'm going to rent one older game that I've never played or beaten that I should have, and one new game. I'm also going to have "filler" games, which is basically my backlog of games I own that I never played through, including my Steam library. I went through and completed Arkahm Asylum, currently playing Alpha Protocol on Steam, and I have Valkyria Chronicles on the way and Uncharted 3 queued up for release day shipment.
This philosophy on gaming is extremely useful for reviews, because basically, I won't be playing much multiplayer (if at all), I won't be going thorugh and collecting fucking flags or replaying through the game on "make my dick bleed" difficulty for some stupid ass achievement or trophy that will not help me in life at all and no one else could give a fuck about, and I'm not going to let anyone else's opinion sway me. This is my review, this is how I felt about the game. I could give two, possibly three, shits about techinical merits, unless it just totally breaks the fucking game. So, in a nutshell, my review system will either be YES or NO, by which I mean play it or not. Then I'll just add filler bullshit about my playthrough to be "entertaining".

Ok, verdict on Batman: AA.............................
I finished this game in just about eight hours, which is about perfect for someone with other priorities in life, like family, career, or masturbation. What's weird about B:AA is how the game starts out with a pseudo-realistic setting, then starts to feel like the cartoon. You know, the good one, where the two-part Clayface episode was badass. The whole walk-in scene at the beginning kinda' pisses me off, though, because all I could keep thinking was how they were making Batman look like a complete dumbass. Joker was easy to catch, he even fucking points out that his crew are conveniently locked up at the asylum because of a fire at the prison, and Batman still says "something doesn't feel right". No shit? Ah well, small complaint, because this game is badass.

I love the fact that you start out as Batman. Not level 1 Batman, but fucking Batman. Sure, there's upgrades for your batarang and shit, but even though these make the game a lot easier, you could beat it without any of it, because you're fucking Batman. Get in a fight with 12 guys, guess what, you're fucking Batman. The whole cutscene where Harley comes out to fight you when she gets frustrated, yea, had not a problem one with that, because Harley fighting Batman 1-on-1 is like a retard finding someone's G-spot - ain't gonna happen.
I also liked the fact that if you don't give a shit about Riddler's crap, this game is very linear, and very, very fun. I was actually quite disappointed that the 25 bad guys that welcome you to Joker's lair near the end of the game don't fight you. That's how fun the fighting is. This game is Batman, period.
Ok, done with my little book report on that. Looking forward to Arkham City someday. Will be finishing up Alpha Protocol soon and give a report on that. Highly underrated. Later.   read

8:11 PM on 05.17.2010

The Unveiling of Tali (and Other Mass Effect Misfortunes)

So I was one of the few people in the world who missed out on getting any booty in the original Mass Effect. Naturally, that was one of my main goals in 2. First off, I have to say that overall, this was a great game. It reminded me of a Peter Hamilton novel. If you don't get that comparison, and you enjoy the atmosphere of Mass Effect, google The Naked God. The way Bioware created such a diverse universe is astounding. The background stories of things like the Genophage are just well thought up, and actually interesting. I might go back and read the codex someday. I highly doubt it, but I can say it at least.

So now I've completed Mass Effect 2, so suffice to say, SPOILERS AHEAD. Let's get the bulk out of the way. Why would the Reaper's form be whatever they're made out of, like Aliens? How does Legion walk around places like the Citadel with no one saying a word? How naive is it to think that EDI doesn't have complete control of the Normandy? Do you really believe that ANY of your remains were found after burning up entering the atmosphere? That one I'm sure will be talked about in the third game.

So, blah, blah, blah, great game, enough gameplay diversity to keep anyone not interested in the story in the game, cool upgrade research component, strategic (but almost utterly useless) use of power combination, pretty empty universe to explore, but not when you compare it to ours. There's my review, now on to my biggest disappointment.

So for two games now, I've wanted to know what Tali looked like under the suit. I figured I'd end up having relations with my assistant (we know how that turned out), then possibly with Miranda (not enough Paragon points when her and Jack got into it, sided with Jack), couldn't bring myself to get with Jack, so that left one person, at least for me.

I just realized how many times I've used "so" at the beginning of each paragraph.

So after some minor arm twisting even with the possibility of death, Tali and I were heading in the right direction. I started to second guess my decision when she went to hug me and I once again realized that she only had three fingers. I now have this image in my head of her actually having all five fingers, just the first two stuck together, but of course something you won't notice with three fingered gloves on.

After I get past the initial queasiness, I go through with the deed. Once she finally stopped babbling like an idiot, I yank off the mask. What follows was very disappointing. She jumps on top of you, and all we get is a shot of the two of you making out through the visor of her mask sitting on the table. Then fade to black. I was so mad about this, I almost sent her up the shaft on the suicide mission.

After two games worth of waiting, I still don't get the big reveal that I was looking for. I have now been forced to give an artist's sketch of what Tali's face actually looks like. Using my well-honed artistic ability, I am giving the exclusive first look at what many of us are searching for. Please understand that this composite was put together using two games worth of data, personality and body language studies, as well as a supposed testimony from Jacob after last years Christmas party. Without further ado......

See what happens when you don't give the payoff, Bioware? You leave this in people's minds for two games. You ever seen the scene in Top Secret, when the professor is looking through the magnifying glass and we see his enlarged eye through the glass, then he removes the glass and his eye actually looks like that? That's the image I have in my head of Tali. She has a Zucker brothers face until someone shows me different.

Any inquiries into the purchase of artwork can be emailed directly to me.

Mass Effect 2, down. I'll update with my progress on Monster Hunter Tri soon.   read

12:11 AM on 05.17.2010


Hello, and welcome. My name is Me55enger, and I am trying out the new internet sensation of blogging! Yes, I realize I'm really late to the party. I also realize sarcasm doesn't come across well when typing. See if you can spot them all!!
I have been a life-long gamer, well, all of my life. I started with the Atari 2600, and just kept with it since then. I have currently been going through what some might call a mid-life crisis, or just really, really bad AADD. Either way you look at it, I am trying to take steps to become content in my life. You know that scene in Fight Club when Tyler talks about everyone realizing they're not going to become movie stars or rich? That's me right now, I just don't have the rubber band and some old guys testicles in front of me to make myself feel better about it. Jeez, I hope everyone reading this has seen Fight Club.
Moving ahead, one of the "keys to being content" is cultivating your interests. If I had to choose one of the many interests I have (blame that on the AADD), it would be gaming. What I've come to realize is that I haven't really ever done anything productive with it, so I decided I would start blogging about it. So, here goes.
Warning: I have never written a blog in my life, and I was going to follow the advice of the beginners area and read some others to get a feel for what type of layout I should follow, but then I decided, to hell with that, I'm gonna' do whatever I want with this, and if it doesn't follow someone's "code", fuck 'em. Yes, that was one sentence, created specially for all the grammar nazi's out there.

Now for a little history of the greatness that is me. I am married, 3 kiddos, and work in IT at a hospital. I am a really bad procrastinator. That's really all you need to know.
I remember my first game being Pac-Man at a bowling alley with my father. I started crying while I was playing because I was scared of the ghosts getting me. Since then, I have purchased (and subsequently sold) almost every gaming system that has came out since the 2600. I spent numerous hours trying to figure out Swordquest: Earthworld way after the contest was over, not realizing they were a series of games. I researched several encyclopedia's trying to figure out the "secret" of Star Soldier on the NES. I once played Ultima on the NES for over 24-hours straight trying to figure out how to get higher level spells for my wizard, only to find out I had them all along and only had to press the select button to get to the second page. I've taken many photos of game endings to send to Nintendo Power (Blaster Master and Crystalis come to mind), and even sent in some envelope art of Simon Belmont at one time. I played completely through Spawn on the PS1. I think that's enough to give you an idea.
In the last couple of years, my interest in gaming has waned. I really thought I was just getting older, but there were other things taking over my life. Family, job, poker, faint attempts at socializing. My biggest problem is time, but I'm realizing that I have to make time for what I love, regardless of sleep. I am not one to put gaming in front of family, which makes the fact that I just beat Mass Effect 2 a pretty big deal (more on that next time).
Anyway, I think I'll stop there. I'm going to use this as a sort of therapy for myself, and if people enjoy it.....who am I kidding.   read

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