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About
This is the part where I say something about myself. You can read it if you want to.

I still remember the first time I went to Destructoid. When one of the very first articles that greeted me was something about an erotic Minecraft tribute to a certain someone, I knew right away that this was the kind of gaming community that I would proudly associate myself with.

After about a year of lurking, I finally joined the community a few weeks before E3 2013 because I thought it would be cool to make cheeky jokes about the Xbox One. Now, I'm still here, making dumb comments and posting fan art whenever I feel like it.

I enjoy weird-ass Japanese games like Ace Attorney, Bayonetta and Yakuza. My favourite genre in the videoed games are the games where you're playing a role in the game you're playing and numbers come out when you hit the guy on the screen. I also like those games where you have a guy with a sword and you run around and it's super hard and you feel bad about yourself because you die all the time.

I dislike military first-person shooters and shooters in general mostly because I suck at them. I hardly play online multiplayer games because I'm shy. My favourite Pokémon is Minccino because look at this animated sprite:

My other interests include traditional art, graphic design, 2D animation, wrestling, Harry Potter and giant robots. I like pizza, noodles, ice cream and you.
Player Profile
PSN ID:LCAS
Steam ID:LunaSy
Mii code:5300-9777-2450
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"People like different things" is a mantra I always live by when browsing the internet and looking at works created for the sake of entertainment. I firmly believe that we should not be quick to judge people as sick or horrible or disgusting for enjoying a certain thing that we find unappealing, especially if it is all just fantasy and no real life harm is being done to anyone during the process of enjoying these works.

As you may know, I sometimes have a penchant for seeking out some of these "horrible" things, mainly for the purpose of finding out, or at least trying to figure out for myself, what exactly draws people into such things. But sometimes I just do it for a cheeky laugh and to cringe from secondhand embarassment :) 

With the internet being the internet, a lot of these things are often pornographic in nature. And here are some of the strangest ones I've encountered so far. This is what happens when you subscribe to Tumblr blogs like "badsonicfanart", "sociallyunacceptableart" and "deviantart-appreciation-station", among other things...

To enhance your reading experience, may I suggest listening to this lovely rendition of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata", paired with the vocals of "Escape from the City" from Sonic Adventure 2. (courtesy of that deviantart-appreciation-station blog I just mentioned)

[Potentially disturbing mental image inducing text and images ahead!]

Mindbreak



As with other fictional worlds like the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and the Marvel Universe, pornography can also run on its own set of rules. The people in this world can turn into powerful sorcerers at times, able to completely destroy the mind of their victim partner with their mystical staff. They can take reduce even the strongest of adversaries into a shadow of their former selves, just a shallow husk of a man, no longer capable of functioning like a proper human being and only fixated on serving their new master.

Like with Sauron and the ring, it seems like many are very much attracted to this power, considering how often this occurs in certain types of works. Everyone wants to stick their finger up that ring. So they can stick their finger up that ring...

Soiling oneself



Let it be known that somewhere out there, in this world, there exists at least one person who sat down on his desk one day and said to himself: "I'm going to draw a picture of Tarzan shitting himself while wearing a diaper. Also, his right arm has been chopped off."

As the previous paragraph suggests, oftentimes, this crosses over with people's fetish for diapers, either seeing someone in it or wearing it themselves. I think that in this context, it makes this fantasy a little bit easier to understand.


Yakuza 2

Basically, being a baby, which also implies being cared for, pampered and generally seen as cute by another person, is part and parcel of the whole "wearing a diaper" shtick. The self-defecation part adds a whole new layer to it. Someone's gotta change that diaper. Someone has to look at that "baby's"... uhm... parts. They have to touch it, rub it, and more importantly, clean it. So it involves intimate contact in some way. Nevermind the fact that lots of feces in also involved during most of it.

Male Pregnancy



Living room setting. Optimus Prime. Sat on a sofa. Next to a fire place. Knitting a sweater. There's a very large, visible and uncharacteristically round bulge around his stomach area
, sticking out from his otherwise squareish and polygonal body. Looks like Megatron forgot to turn the safety on.

Back in high school, one of my friends told me that he would often feel very uncomfortable when seeing a pregnant teacher whose spouse also works in the same school. Because he can imagine them having sex. He was one of my best friends.

Perhaps this can be one explanation to the appeal of this fantasy? Maybe it's not so much about the pregnancy but rather, the implied sex that occured between the two men which lead to it? I can understand if that's the case. Sometimes, your mind can come up with much better imagery than others who are capable of expressing theirs through actual photos or videos. I guess when certain people look at these, it makes them imagine other more erotic events?

Not me though. When I see these, all I can think of is HOW WILL THE BABY COME OUT?



Furniture People


I really have to start hanging out with less perverted friends...

I know that there are some people who are attracted to objects. I've read a good number of those "Man has sex with bench" stories on the internet. But something strikes me as very odd about seeing pictures or drawings depicting this fantasy. Because if one does have a fixation towards a certain object... well... I have a table right here. I'm already sitting on a chair. Oh look, a piano. You can easily have access to the object of your desire in real life and put it to good use.

Is there a much deeper meaning and purpose for the creation of such images? Are the people responsible for them trying to make some sort of damning statement about pornography? That in many ways, it is also a form of having sex with objects? These images, these videos, these games, may depict a person and produce human sounds but when it comes right down to it, you're still just sitting in front of a computer. Are these pictures of furniture people (and the people who made them) trying to tell us that deep down, this is what we really want: just an object for our pleasure and use? Something that would never refuse, resist and whose only purpose is to satisfy your needs?

Or maybe they just want to make bad sex puns.

(Oh yeah. By the way, This can, and has at least once, crossed over with the diaper fetish as well. Think about that for a second and imagine how that works...)

Cooking People Alive!

I vividly remember this one gallery I saw in DeviantART that has long been deleted. The gallery was filled with pictures of women, often nude, photoshopped into photos of kitchen equipment. And it's not just transparent stock pictures of pots and frying pans. The whole scene was in a proper kitchen setting. The woman was layed out on the frying pan, or standing inside a pot, on an open stove or fire. And she had grill marks! Which didn't make sense because the surface of the frying pan was flat.

A little too hard to imagine? Here, take a look at this sample I made. I left out some details to keep things tasteful (heh), but I think it captures the essence of this fantasy pretty well.



And that gallery was one of the tamer ones. If you haven't guessed already, works under this fantasy would often depict scenes of explicit violence and gore. I mean, it's cooking! Lots of chopping, slicing, boiling, frying...

Now that you know about this, try to Google Image Search the following phrases:
- Steamed Fish
- Roasted Pig
- Baby Soup

And there's your new weight loss program.

P.S. Proofreading this was fucking gross. This is the last time I'll be doing one of these. I'll post something for this month's community assignment next time.









Five hours. I wasted almost five hours of my life on this. I should know that it didn't take any longer than that because the tablet where I played it on has only five hours of battery life and I played through the whole thing without having to recharge.

Licensed games, especially movie tie-in games, are notorious for their tendency to be either incredibly mediocre or outright horrible. But I guess that's to be expected when you are tasked to develop a game under a very strict budget and deadline because it has to be out when the movie's out, and things only get worse when the movie you're adapting doesn't really translate that well into a game.

As a fan of Harry Potter, it pains me to see all the terrible games associated to the franchise. The damn thing had eight movies. The fact that EA had eight tries but ultimately failed to get it right or at least find and stick with a gameplay style that works for the licence is nothing short of magical.

I could go on and talk about how I wish licensed games would just stop trying to follow the story of their source material, but that's not the subject matter of this series of blogs. Today, we're here to play shit Harry Potter games. And I might have just found the worst one.



Looks like we're off to a good start. What's weird is the EA and WB logo appear after you start a new game or load your save instead of when you turn on the game.

~ Little Whinging ~


The game starts with this still image of Harry reading a newspaper on a swing. There's a pulsating green button with an "A" on it on the lower right corner of the screen so I guess I have to press A to continue. I'm so smart. 


So this is the first screen of the game. Ah, pre-rendered backgrounds. Brings me back to my PS1 days. It appears like that black blob in the distance is supposed to be Harry. You wanna come a little closer so we can take a good look at you? C'mon now, Harry. Don't be shy.


AHHHH

If I were to make a quick guess, what we're looking at right here is a horribly down scaled character model from the console version. And yeah. Sometimes, you would default to this awkward mid-running pose you see in the picture whenever you enter a different area.


Going back to the park, I talk to Harry's cousin, Dudley. Again, the character portraits are stills from the "better" versions. Dudley's making fun of the things Harry says in his sleep which he seems to recall quite vividly. Harry calls him "Big D" for some reason. Come up with your own interpretations of this scene.


I leave Dudley alone and go inside a tunnel. Inside, we once again see Dudley who somehow arrived there before I did even though I left him at the park.

I talk to him again, he gets attacked by dementors, Harry uses magic to save him, all while the game shows us bad screenshots. How exciting.

~ Grimmauld Place ~



I talk to Sirius Black for a bit and he tells me about the Order of the Phoenix. I also have to go back to Hogwarts now because that's a thing you do on every book/movie. But before that, I have to upstairs and see my friends who just so happen to be on the same building.

These character models are really throwing me off.

On the second floor, I meet Hermione who tells me I have to repair these vases. I press the B button and a wand cursor appears on the screen. Click on the object of interest and I finally get some gameplay!

Reparo



What?

After pressing A to start the minigame, the wand cursor (in the second image) started moving to the left and the green L button was pulsating ever so slowly. The A button that shows up when the game shows those still images did the same thing, so by instinct, I pressed the button once, just like before. Nothing happened, the wand reached the end of the screen and I lost the game. Apparently, you had to MASH the L or R button to move the cursor in the opposite direction and keep it inside the swirly thing until the meter fills up.

I now regret playing this on a tablet.


Moving on to the next floor, I meet Ron who asks me to collect animated gifs. All two of them. Yes, this game has collectibles. No, I will not collect them in this playthrough.


Ginny's on the top floor. And like with every other Hogwarts student you've encountered so far, your interaction with her involves her asking you do do something for her, in this case, light a lamp.

This will be a recurring theme in the game.

Incendio

Press the up or down button to move the cursor. Catch the sparkles.


After helping your friends and talking to Sirius once more, we are immediately teleported to Hogwarts, meaning they skipped the entire part where Harry and friends meet Luna Lovegood on the carriage on the way to the school.

I want to turn this game off already.

I go talk to Hermione. 


Ten minutes into the game and it has already given up on trying to give the player any sense of immersion. Here we see Hermione telling us the name of the next segment of the game and asks if you want to continue on with your suffering.

Because I love you all, I clicked "Yes".

~ Hogwarts pre-DA ~

It's time for the start-of-term feast! Go down this long ass staircase and head to the Great Hall.

 
I now have Ron and Hermione following me around. While going down the staircase, the two would sometimes give up on trying to follow you. Even they don't want any part of this shitty game.


On my way down, I encounter this entrance to some hallway. Let's see what's inside.


You can't tell me a thing is locked when it doesn't even have a door. Especially when I'm already inside.

This will be a recurring theme in the game.


I finally made it downstairs and the feast begins. Yes, the feast didn't start until I got there because fuck, I'm Harry Potter. 

Wanna see what the feast looks like in game?


Of course you don't.


I'm teleported back to the Gryffindor common room and Hermione tells me and Ron to finish unpacking our things. Also, did you see that arrow? The game gives you directions on where to go next whenever it feels like it.

As I enter the boy's dormitory to unpack my things, I am forced into a conversation with Neville Longbottom.






I hate you, Neville.

CONTINUED IN PART 2










Marlow Briggs and the Mask of Death is the best $0.99 I've ever spent aside from that one time where I bought Gen 3 Pokemon plushies at a 99 cent store, and it is still well worth its normal asking price of $4.99.

That guy in the picture? That's Marlow. Glowing tattoos and lack of shirt aside, he looks like a random NPC. Outside of horror and zombie games, Marlow might as well be the quintessential example of that type of videogame character that I like to call "just some guy". There's literally nothing special about Marlow prior to receiving his powers Aku Aku from the Crash Bandicoot series. Even his girlfriend has a lot more going on when it comes to characterization, which is not saying much. I do think it's very refreshing to see an ordinary man in a genre that's filled with unique and fantastical main leads such as:

- Ryu Hayabusa, a ninja. 
- Raiden, a cyborg ninja. 
- Dante, a demon hunter who is also half demon. 
- DmC Dante, a douchebag who is also half demon. 
- Bayonetta, an abnormally proportioned witch who wears a suit made out of her own hair. 
- Kratos, an angry albino turned physical God.

Speaking of Kratos, make no mistake. This game is a God of War clone. The mechanics are eerily similar. While the combos are slightly different, the enemies you encounter are almost the same. I'm pretty sure I saw the cyclops, harpy and that those guys with blades for arms that sink into the ground. You do encounter way more giant insects, though. As for exploration and puzzles, well...



The story of this game is as barebones as it gets. Marlow, the African American man with big hands, is out on a quest to save his Hispanic girlfriend and stop the evil Chinese businessman from ruling the world using ancient Mayan bullshit.

But the story and the alright gameplay alone isn't what makes this game special. What truly won me over was these elements combined with the game's ridiculous, over the top action and unprecedented pacing.

This. Game. Just. Doesn't. Stop.

Within the first hour of the game, Marlow gets stabbed, resurrected, blows up a vehicle in front of a temple, rides a flaming cable car, shoots down a couple dozen helicopters, ziplines across a cliff, destroys a giant excavator, acquires the power of flame, fights enemies in a flying helipad and hangs upside down from a helicopter on his way to a giant mobile excavation site. And he still has the time to have comedic banter with his mask friend while doing all of this.

You move from area to area at an incredibly brisk pace, which makes said areas look even more impressive. To think that, for a budget game, they really spent time putting lots of detail into these areas, whose sheer scale is equally impressive, that the player will just pass through in a couple of minutes. 



I'd be doing the game a great disservice if I don't even mention its cutscenes. In lieu of your typical animated cutscenes (which the game still has some of), the game takes a keyframe from an action sequence and have the camera rotate around the scene and pans to carefully placed objects to obstruct the view and smoothly transition to the next keyframe. I probably didn't explain it in the best way possible but I thought that was a very smart and creative way to do cutscenes on a budget, though I did found it a bit anti-climactic to end its setpieces that way.

Further contributing to the game's action packed and fast paced nature are occasional challenges such as Temple Run-esque running segments where you collect orbs and avoid obstacles. There are also on-rails turret sequences where you have to shoot down waaay too many helicopters or drive through a road with an ungodly amount of explosive barrels and gasoline trucks (while shooting down way too many helicopters). It even turns into a shmup at one point.



The game is not without its flaws, however. It is filled with almost as many bugs as the number of giant insects you kill throughout the game.

During my run, I experienced the following: You don't clip properly to the steps of the ladder. There is even one point where I almost couldn't progress at all because I couldn't fully climb to the top of this one ladder. The subtitles of the audio logs are out of sync. You can't move to the right as fast as you can move in any other direction when piloting the helicopter. The worst one I encountered was when you would get locked in the box turning animation whenever you grab a box, which made one particular timed puzzle really infuriating since you had to push a box at the very end.

All of such problems may or may not be resolved by reloading a save. Fortunately, the game rotates between 10 autosaves so you'll no longer have to go back to the very beginning if you encounter a game breaking bug (which I never had). Plus, you can manually save anywhere and anytime now, making it very possible to save scum if you really suck at the game.

As for its difficulty, I can say that I've only encountered one segment that is downright impossible to beat on the higher difficulty settings because of the adjustments on the player's damage output and health (or was it the enemy's damage output?). Being basically a DPS race, I just couldn't beat first boss without reverting to normal mode because the infinitely respawning helicopter that shoots you offscreen deals damage to you faster that you can deal damage to the boss. The rest of the game is pretty fair, though, nothing too challenging or unfair aside from the occasional enemy that takes way too many hits to kill. 

Even after completing what was more or less a 7 to 8 hour experience, I am still thoroughly baffled at the existence of this thing called Marlow Briggs and the Mask of Death. While it's not the most original or innovative game out there, I believe the developers did an outstanding job with what I'd imagine was an incredibly tight budget that was given to them. It cuts a lot of corners in several areas but never swerves off it's path to deliver a game that's just fun in the purest sense of the word. If all videogames are trying to be movies now, then this game is the best dumb summer action film I've played in a while.



So what about you? Got a story or review to tell about some dumb game you bought on Steam or GOG this past week? Write a blog about it!

What's your Summer Sale Surprise?









Long overdue blog post...

So last month, some guy took us back to a time where people here would do cool stuff like make trading cards for other community members. Not long after he shared his story, some other guy got interested in bringing it back and made a forum thread about it. The bored little fellow whose blog you're reading right now then decided to make a new template for it as an excuse to play around with Photoshop for a bit. Now, we have a whole bunch of these cards and YOU can make one too!


Here are some examples of what these cards can look like:

You can keep it simple by simply changing the colours and even forgetting some of the other details that should be in the card.

You can modify any part of the template.

Want to give Mr. Destructoid an eye-patch?

Want to animate your card?

Want to fill it with dicks?

You can do it! Go crazy with your card designs!

Do whatever you want!

Are you happy now, @Ross?

I'm not kidding when I said you could do anything you want with the template.

Anything.

We have made 37 of these cards so far! You can view them and all future cards at:

(Special thanks to Marche100 for designing a whole bunch of these cards like nobody's business. Thanks Marche! I love you ♡)




Oh. I see you've met my friend. Isn't he a nice guy? Do what he says.
Anyway...

Get on it!

Download the Destructoid Font: http://modernmethod.com/2010/04B_03B_.TTF

Download the Template: http://dropbox.com/s/niv871glj7ijl6j/Card%20Template.psd
(You can open this on GIMP, don't worry)

Text Guide (for those who want to follow it):

*All caps for the Dtoid font. Move descriptions use Myriad Pro. You can replace it with any other plain looking font (Calibri/Arial/Tahoma looks close enough) if you don't have Photoshop. The size for the stroke/outline of the name, weakness, resistance, retreat is 2. Of course you can adjust the font size if it doesn't fit.

Now here's the fun part. Take note that there's one important "rule" for this whole thing, 
YOU CAN'T MAKE A CARD FOR YOURSELF.
please believe in the Dtoid community's ability to write appropriate card information for you and your online personality, and not turn this into an elaborate way to make personal attacks on community members. Please.

Don't know how to use Photoshop/GIMP? Don't want to join the forums? No problem! Use the comments section of this blog to post your card ideas. Write movesets, suggest icons and pictures, then let other people take care of putting it all together. Make cards for anyone! Frontpage commenters, annoying people, staff, anyone who you feel is part of Dtoid.

So far, only me and Marche have done most of the designs for these but anyone can help out on the design work. Just make sure to tell everyone that you plan to work on/are already working on the design for a certain card.

Have fun :)








1. It’s been a year since I joined Dtoid

All I can say is being a member during this time has been very interesting to say the least, with all the people leaving, all the changes going on, the general feeling of unrest within the community, and finding out how this place isn't as good as what it used to be. I can’t really speak for the other parts of the site, but as a forum member, seeing all these people who are genuinely concerned about this site and are affected when things go wrong makes me feel a bit more hopeful for the site and its community in its current state.

2. I like bad jokes and puns

Hell, my username is one. Take note that the “Sy” is pronounced as “Sea” as in under the sea ♪, and not “Psy” as in the guy who did the Gangnam Styles for a bit.

Pretty lame, huh?

3. I enjoy terrible things

Sometimes, my time spent on the internet involves me doing the following:

Listening to bad mashups on YouTube…


Apart from your typical Space Jam remixes, I recently discovered these. Mashups of rap music with anime songs.

Watching people humiliate themselves on the internet…



And searching for the sleaziest fan art on DeviantArt…


Is that a carrot she’s holding?

4. I love plushies


Look at all these cute Pokémon! I don’t even recognize some of them anymore.

5. I never actually played Pokémon Black/White 2

I played the first one though. I just like the black haired girl with the headphones.

Sometimes I wonder if I should try role playing as the character in my avatar just for fun which, to be honest, will mostly just be an excuse for me to shitpost with the occasional bad joke and electricity/light based pun.

I won’t be shocked if I unknowingly start doing that right now.

6. I store my games in a broken fridge


*6.5. I have poor handwriting.


This used to belong to my grandfather who also used it as a shelf. He would put fake guns in it. Some of them were even real.


7. I skipped the entire PS2 generation

My parents, who didn't really know anything about videogames, bought me a PS1 back in 2000 (or was it 1999?). This is the reason why I was not at all hesitant to buy a launch PS3 because I could finally play all the PS2 games I missed out on. But then my launch PS3 broke. Luckily my computer was somehow good enough to emulate PS2 games and you can transfer PS2 saves via USB. To this day, I’m still not done with the PS2 and I often find myself enjoying its games way more than most of the newer games out now.

8. I draw sometimes


*8.5. I don’t know how to colour (yet).

Here a quick drawing I made of Kiryu crying because the left side of his face doesn't look quite right and Yakuza 5 still doesn't have a US release date.

I hope you’re happy, Sega.

9. I’m particularly bad at completing things.








Why the hell do they do this?

So a game in your console/company just sold a ton of copies. It scored a 90+ on Metacritic meaning everyone loves it. It won GOTY on the VGAs so you know it's legit. The devs are now swimming in money. So, how do they reward the success of the developers and their game? How do you immortalize this game and give it the recognition it rightfully deserves? 

By giving it an uglier box.


Every console has a bunch of them. Discounted versions of games are made after they sell a couple hundred thousand copies. I can live with removing the color in the game disk and manual, but shrinking the box art to make way for... a yellow/white... frame? Is red/gray plastic cheaper than transparent ones? Why do they do this? Is this some sort of punishment for buying a cheaper version of the game? For not playing it when it first came out? Do you really want to buy one of these and let it mock you for an eternity as it sits in your game collection, sticking out like a sore thumb?

You know what would make me happy? You know what would solve all of life's problems? Reversible box arts.

This. More of this, please.


Then, there are these game bundles where all the games from one series or developer are together in one box for a cheaper price. You know what really ticks me off about them? Why do you have to have a picture of the BOXES of the games on the BOX? Does the box art really need to tell you the exact contents of the box, when the box itself is already shaped like a bunch of DVD boxes stacked together, and even has an opening on the side so you can see the spine of each box? And you even kept the rating sticker on every one of them? On the other hand, if the games are all in one or two disks on a single box, then you're just f*cking lying to your customers.

You know, you could just line them up on the cover, showing only the logos and box arts...


Was that hard? Look how clean it is. Look at how much space you have for the art of each game when you remove the actual box, the rating and the logo of the console. You can even do away with the game logos, list down the games, and arrange the box arts in a more creative manner...


Too complicated? Why not just use some random concept art you have lying around and slap it on a white background...


In conclusion, "Greatest Hits" boxes suck. (Most) "Collection" boxes suck. So what happens when we combine them?


And why stop there?


Jesus Christ.