Sometime this week I had the joy of committing insurance fraud in Saint’s Row 2, one of several activities designed to enlighten the masses. While flinging my decidedly white middle aged male suburbanite psychopathic gang leader extraordinaire into speeding garbage trucks, a funny event occurred. I got stuck.



I could end the post here. Perhaps it would have been better to let you all brainstorm your way into rectum hilarity. However, I’ve decided to continue this into a proctological analogy about my video game life of recent.

I work very hard to provide for my wife and soon to be born daughter. Instead of opening a six-pack of beer when I get home, I like to pop the cap off a can of what I call Game Lite. Game Lite is a short sprint of gaming designed to unwind the muscles and slough off stress from the day. The city of Stilwater has recently been the perfect place to perform G.L. until this occurred. Now I look forward to the nagging fear that my time will again be cut short.

Proctology, by the way, is technically a noun defined as the branch of medicine dealing with the rectum and anus. Today, though, two of its disorders will serve as a foundation in the various ways I was screwed out of my precious gaming time.
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Rectal Prolapse: occurs when part or the entire rectum slides out of place, sometimes outside of the anus.
Game Lite Prolapse: occurs when part or the entire experience abruptly stops being fun, sometimes outside of any semblance of reason or logic.

Possible R.P. Risk Factor (for adults): straining during bowel movements because of constipation.
Possible G.L. Ruin Factor (for adults): straining to have fun on a console that turns game glitches into system freezes. *cough, microsh!tting faqtart, cough*

Symptom (R.P.): bright red tissue that sticks out of anus.
Symptom (G.L.): three red rings.

Treatment Procedure (R.P.): surgery, usually involving attaching the rectum to the muscles of the pelvis.
Treatment Procedure (G.L.): stapling 360 shrink-wrapped skunk rectums to console with high failure rate and mailing it to their customer service department.
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Proctalgia Fugax (rectal spasms): pain in the rectum.
Game Lite Fugax: gaming event that provides the opposite of fun, i.e. still a pain in the ass.

Possible Cause (P.F.): while a specific cause for proctalgia fugax is unknown, people with abdominal problems are more likely to suffer.
Possible Cause(G.L.): while there are too many causes of Game Lite fugax to list here, people with anything greater than sh!t standards are more likely to suffer.

Symptoms (P.F.): episodes of severe pain or cramps that can last for seconds to minutes.
Symptoms (G.L.): slices of your gaming soul slipping into the darkness. Usually occurs after throwing your controller in a fit of gentlemanly rage.

Treatment Procedure (P.F.): Nothing concrete. Some people have success by pushing on the anal area with their hand, or similarly straddling the edge of something…anything…to make the pain go away.
Treatment Procedure (G.L.): Few things that don’t involve reducing/quitting the activity you enjoy. Some gamers cope by abusing controlled substances that ultimately hurt more than the help. Examples: Drinking whiskey with your coffee to hide it from a loved one, anything that contains nicotine, and jawbreakers. Damn those jawbreakers…
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Finally, I would like to thank the C-Blogs for providing me an avenue for venting in unusual, overly complicated ways.