As you may or may not know, being a new father can cramp your videogame style. I have found myself playing more games on my iPhone (i.e. only requires one hand) than I thought I ever would. Yet sometimes Claire Bear will sit in my lap like a little burrito apprentice, eagerly soaking up the pretty pictures. As we all know videogames have the maniacally evil ability to affect even infants, here are four games that have probably taught something to my daughter.



1. Dark Sector (XBOX 360)

Lesson: Decapitation is Good

Hayden was a protagonist with a nonsensical story to back him up. That is okay, though, because the important lesson to learn for an infant is this: killing people is okay as long as you do so with a glaive, have been infected with a virus that gives you said glaive, and live in an alternate world void of color. As a bonus, I really wanted her to understand that weapon growing out of your hand due to a freak mutation is totally awesome. Imagine the adorable cooing as Dad guided his virtual weapon towards some poor sap's neck.





2. Red Faction: Guerrilla (XBOX 360)

Lesson: Stick it to the Man with a Sledgehammer

No self-respecting father would let his daughter grow up without an anti-establishment attitude. Enter THQ's excellent offering in Alec Mason's journey to kick the dastardly EDF off of Mars for good. Okay, so the story is pretty weak and the character development is as deep as a Handy Manny episode. What is important for my Claire Bear to learn is that you can take down the Man with a sledgehammer.

How can she use this in the future, you ask? How about when she gets that bullsh!t "Disregarding a Stop Sign" ticket like her father did, she can object with a sledgehammer of freedom. There is no argument with this point. Videogames have that kind of power. Believe it.





3. Shadow of the Colossus (Playstation 2)

Lesson: Listen to the Ambiguous Voice from the Sky

We have all felt ridiculously guilty about killing the Colossi in SotC, right? Perhaps even some of us more introspective folks actually spent time pondering the implications of our actions in a virtual world. Honestly, though, Claire is almost 3 months old. It is not realistic for a being that still identifies me by scent to understand that. What is realistic is for her to listen to the first ambiguous voice from the sky. When you want something bad enough, do what the voice says. IT WORKS EVERY TIME.





4. Peggle (for everything known to man since the beginning of time)

Lesson: There is no lesson. It's Peggle.

Perhaps the most insidious, ludicrous, and unforgivable game I could have subjected to my infant daughter is Peggle. For this I am sure I have forgotten the face of my father. The not quite believable physics, rainbow farting unicorns, and simplistically gratifying sounds will dominate her mind for years. I'm convinced that PopCap has every intention of subverting the hearts and minds of babies everywhere. Claire is no exception.



Now Claire and I have a game date with UFC '09. I am sure it will forever change her life. As I said, videogames can do that.