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1:39 PM on 08.12.2014  

Here's everything Sony announced for the Vita at the Gamescom conference

  read


11:22 PM on 12.24.2013  

REVENGEANCE: The 2013 Award for Screwjob of the year goes to Destructoid

DESTRUCTOID SCREWED PLATINUM GAMES

I don't know which one of you is responsible for it, but I'll get ya. Might be Zimmerman with that shady mustache, or Andy Dixon with those ridiculously lewd underpants, but one of you is responsible.

I get why MGR couldn't win Game of the year, but to not even be nominated for best soundtrack

LISTEN TO THIS MOTHERFUCKING SONG




RULES OF NATURE

GODDAMMIT, I DON'T KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NOT BEING INDUCTED, BUT I'M TAKING YOU PUNKS DOWN

ALSO, WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH THE ACTION GAME OF THE YEAR AWARD? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SHITE




TOMB FUCKING AN OYSTER RAIDER???

THE GAME IS A POOR MAN'S UNCHARTED. ALL THE ACTION IS FOCUSED ON SHOOTING DUDES WITH GUNS.

LOOK AT THE ACTION IN MGR: 



That motherfucker just RAN ON MISSILES, SLICED OFF THE ARM OF A GIANT ROBOT, RAN DOWN THE SIDE OF A BUILDING AND CUT SAID ROBOT IN HALF. THAT HAPPENS IN THE PROLOGUE OF THE GAME

IN THE PROLOGUE OF TOMB RAIDER YOU GET POKED WITH A STICK AND A DUDE GETS CRUSHED BY A ROCK

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK


MGR WAS SCREWED. 

WAS. SCREWEEEED.
I DEMAND ONE MORE MATCH. ONE ON ONE. ME AND HAMZA.   read


9:03 PM on 12.04.2013  

RULES OF NATURE

YOU ARE A GODDAMNED CYBORG NINJA WITH A HIGH FREQUENCY KATANA THAT CAN CUT ANYTHING FIGHTING AGAINST A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY
YOU THROW THE GIGANTIC ROBOT INTO THE AIR, FOLLOW AFTER IT AND SLICES IT APART AS THE CRAZY RUSSIAN COLONEL GOES ALL: "DA COMRADE, SLICE IT WIDE OPEN!"
ALL THE WHILE THIS PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND:




HOLY SHIT THAT'S WHAT VIDEOGAMES ARE ALL ABOUT. NONE OF THAT SISSY ASS EMOTINAL FEELINGS THROUGH POLYGONS OR WHATEVER THE SHIT DAVID CAGE FAPS TO.

I MEAN FUCK, LOOK AT THIS




THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS SURFING ON MISSILES


THAT
MOTHERFUCKER
IS
SURFING
ON
FUCKING
MISSILES

THIS IS ONLY THE PROLOGUE OF THE GAME

HOLY FUCK KOJIMA, THIS IS A PROLOGUE I'D PAY TO PLAY, INSTEAD OF THAT FOXOF GROUNDZEROES PEACE WALKER LITE SHIT YOU COOKED UP

HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULD PLAY METAL GEAR RISING:





THAT IS A BOSS AND SHE IS MASTURBATING WITHOUT USING HER HANDS

TRY TO TOP THAT WITH EMOXUONAL ELLEN PAGES DAIVID CAGE
ALSO THE REASON THAT IMAGE LOOKS WEIRD IS BACAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE THIS THING PROPERLY.
ANYWAY GO PLAY METAL GEAR RISING.   read


9:31 AM on 03.14.2013  

Even Fox News is calling out EA

Fox fucking News.
When Fox News makes someone out to be a villain, you know they must have done something very bad. It's like Satan calling out Activision.

This is fucking insane. The most evil news media outlet calling out the most evil gaming publisher on their bullshit.

http://www.foxnews.com/tech/2013/03/13/simcity-pr-nightmare-escalates/

Good god, EA. What have you done.   read


6:13 PM on 03.03.2013  

Dtoid Memories: A place called Greenvale

This blog is a thank you letter to Jim Sterling.

It's been three years already. Where does the time go?

Looking for games at the bargain bin of my local game store, I saw a strange cover: A screaming woman being totured. A shadowy figure, dressed in red and holding an axe stood on the background, it's eyes glowing.

The name of the game was Deadly Premonition



The back cover talked about mysterious murders on a small town.
"It's just twenty bucks" I thought. "I've got nothing else to play right now. Might aswell get this Silent Hill wannabe"

I walked home, game in hand. I did not know what I was getting into. I remember putting the game into my Xbox, and upon witnessing the opening cinematic, I felt terrible. It looked like a Dreamcast game. Suddenly, those 20 bucks felt like a lot. I could have bought a burrito.

Some of my worries were eased somewhat, thanks to the awesome main menu music. A beautiful acoustic guitar song with solemn vocals. The woods and the Goddess:



The picture of a town amongst the woods was the background. Suddenly, the bad graphics didn't matter as much. "New Game it is".
The loading screen was bizzare to say the least. A red background, and two eyeless figures sporting glasgow smiles .

After getting through a strange red room with two boys/angels in it, I heard a voice. It called me: "Zach". Then came the first cutscene:
Francis York Morgan. An FBI agent, driving a sports car, smoking, typing on his notebook and discussing the psychology of Tom & Jerry cartoons over the phone with someone. All at the same time.



The first proper gameplay segment came after that. Terrible controls. The aiming was stiff as hell, the animations were awful and for some reason, I had infinite pistol ammo.
"Wow, what a horror game huh"
It wasn't long before I found out why infinite ammo was a must: The enemies took ages to die. They were ghost/zombie/Joker/limbo dancer things that stuck body parts into your mouth while screaming "I DONWANNA DIEEEEEE"



It was in this first hour that I crossed paths with the main antagonist for the first time. The Axe wielding red coated maniac. The Raincoat killer. I remember that the only good things I had to say about the game up to that point were: The music is good and the villain looks awesome.



After getting through the initial level, I turned the Xbox off. "Well, this game blows. I feel ripped off. What are the reviews for it?"
"What, some site gave it a perfect score? Destructoid huh? This guy must be insane"

That guy was Jim Sterling.

To quote his review: When we judge a game like this, how do we do it? Do we judge simply on gameplay? If so, the repetitive combat and long drives around town may very well mark it as a mediocre title. Do we judge it on story quality? If so, then we have a game that makes no sense and frequently makes light of murder and sexual deviancy. I say a game needs to be judged by how often it made you happy, how much you laughed or became excited, and how long you spend thinking about it after it was finished. If we judge it by those standards, then Deadly Premonition, my friends, is simply stunning.

And upon reading his review I realized that bad graphics and terrible controls aside, I did like agent York. Maybe this was a game worth playing just for the story and the laughs. I turned my computer off and went back to Deadly Premonition. And I didn't put it down until I was done with it.

Deadly Premonition might just be my favorite game of all time, and if it wasn't for Jim and this site, I wouldn't have experienced the magic of Greenvale, the wonderful cast of characters, the hilarious dialogues, the FK in my coffee.

Deadly Premonition is like true love: You accept the good and the bad, to the point when even the imperfections become attractive. And Dtoid is the nice friend that hooked us up.   read


3:22 PM on 03.01.2013  

I love big tits

And who doesn't? Sure, you might like them with big, small, flat or gigantic boobs, but when it comes to videogames, there is only one master race: The big knocker race.
See, playing games is good, but playing a game full of hot juicy melons is even better. Here's an overview of the best pairs of juicers in the business:















  read


8:46 AM on 02.22.2013  

What happened to Metal Gear Rising's soundtrack?

Everyone knows how awesome MGR is, but the one thing that was standing out to me before the release was the soundtrack. See, people ripped a bunch of awesome songs from the Demo, and I couldn't wait to hear them in the actual game. But the songs in the actual game are.... well...

Weird? Different? Here's some comparisons: (AND SPOILERS)


This is Mistral's battle theme, the one that plays in the full game. It's awesome, yes.

But:


This is the original version of the song. Has more lyrics and less wub

What the hell. This is subjective obviously, but to me the original sounds much better. Also, they cut off half of the lyrics.

Obviously, I'm not saying that every song changed for the worse. Take Wolf's theme:


It's awesome

How it was:


Yeah, it was awesome too

Bottom line is: The ost is amazing, buy it, but Mistral's theme was better before.   read


6:53 PM on 02.12.2013  

Reality Check: I'm a loser, living a bunch of fantasy lives

First off, I'd like to apologize, because I know DToid isn't the place for "Pouring my heart out" articles like this one.

Anyway, here it goes:

I asked myself a question today: Why do I even play videogames? "Because they make me feel good, duh"
Well that's the obvious answer. But why do they make me feel good? Is it escapism? Is it my way of dealing with the day-to-day stress of being a fucking nobody? Is it to get away from my puny problems and romantic delusions? I guess not.

I realized that I don't play games simply to escape from my problems. I play them to live an idealized life, a life I wish I had.
It's not something harmless like forgetting about your boss to level up a little bit in Devil Survivor. I do it to outright ignore reality itself. It may sound like the same thing, but trust me as I say: There is a world of diference.

It started four years ago. My last High School year. I've been a gamer for the better part of my life, but that never really got in the way of anything. I wasn't a victim of bullying, no one stole money from me or anything like that. I even had some great friends. One thing I did not have (and bare with my juvenile needy self for a moment here), was a girlfriend. I always felt the pressure, be it from my family or among my peers, to go and find myself a special someone.

And I did

Near the end of that year, I met Sarah. This is going to sound like something out of some bad made -for-tv movie, but I assure you, it's 100% real.

Sarah was a transfer student. Her old school was closing due to financial debts, and she had to finish the year at mine. We...connected. We liked the same movies, the same games, even our music taste was alike. I never had those oh so precious experiences of walking on the beach holding hands, or going to the movies or anything else, but she was there, and she was real.

For the next 8 months, I was that sad and "evil" nice guy you all heard stories about. Not the manipulative kind. The spineless kind. I did like her, but I just couldn't say it. But this ain't no sob story.

We eventually hooked up. It didn't last long. See, Sarah was crazy. As in: Actually insane. She decided I was too ugly to be dated. In her own words: "I can't walk around with you in public, sorry"
It came out of nowhere.

That's the root of my bitterness I guess

Ever since then, I haven't playing games to have fun anymore.
I played Persona 3 and 4 because I longed for meaninful relationships and better friends. I play Devil May Cry because being able to do one frame jump cancel combos makes me feel better than those who can't, as twisted and ugly as that sounds.

It's not about playing for fun anymore. It's about justifying myself through unreal achievements. A need for approval turned into a need for more level ups.

I don't want that anymore

If I want to continue as gamer, I have to man up and face life head on.   read


5:39 PM on 01.23.2013  

Sex: I can masturbate to Videogames. (And that's not a bad thing)

Objectification! Misogyny! Sexism! The horror! Video Games are terrible to women!
There. If you came in expecting an uninformed cliched-spewing blog, that line is for you.

Now onto what matters:
Sex is good. Believe it or not ladies and gentlemen, sex feels really good. Even when it's bad sex, it's still good. You know what else is good? Videogames. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Lukas you handsome stud, if sex is great and videogames are great too, joining them must be a brilliant idea!"
Yeah not so much. See my dear virgin reader, for some reason there's this collective idea running rampant nowadays, one that says: if a videogame character is good looking enough to earn herself a good ol' knuckle shake, she's bad, the game is bad, sexism is everywhere.



I guess this whole "We want unfappable female characters" movement begun after those absurd videos that Anita Shekaskian posted on youtube a few months ago. A bunch of dickheads got pissed at her for the wrong reasons, and everyone sided with the martyr. (Even though she was spewing bullshit after bullshit)

Let's look at some "objectified" female characters from the past few years:

Bayonetta: Hot, bad ass, confident, strong, doesn't need a knight in shining armor to defend her, has a glorious ass.



Juliet: Hot, objectifies her boyfriend, strong, kills zombies, romantic, has a decent ass



Those girls from DoA: Hot, Asses, Butts, Boobs and titties.



My point is: I like boobs, and I like asses. I also like strong female characters. Strong female characters plus awesome asses equals great masturbation oportunities. Is that bad? No! Why? Because I didn't forbid my younger sister from playing Uncharted after I caught her touching herself while looking at a picture of Drake. (And he wasn't even shirtless)

Let's talk sex a little more.

Sex feels good, sexualized characters are better, strong sexualized characters are the pinacle of videogaming. Those are facts I just proved.
So what happens when sex is the main focus of the game? Sexy Beach 3 happens!
Sexy Beach 3 is one of my favorite games of all time. It's about a guy stuck on an Island with a bunch of super hot customizable girls, that he can bang. It's glorious.



"But, but, it objectifies women!"
Dude, so what? They aren't the target market of the game. Lonely virgins such as yourself are the target demographic of the game.
"Wait, are you saying that it's okay for developers to up the sexualization when women aren't the main target market of the game?"
Yes.
"And by that logic, they should tone down sex when women are part of the target market"
Yup.
"But what if women feel offended by Sexy Beach 3?"
Fuck them



Well this was my blog post of the evening, thank you all.
"Wait, what about romance"
What about it?
"Aren't you going to discuss to way romance is presented in videogames?"
This blog is about sex you idiot! Why the hell are you even talking about romance? What are you? A woman?   read


7:30 AM on 01.23.2013  

DLC, entitlement, business, and the spineless consumer (

Money money money. Money talks. It's the only thing companies listen to. No, they don't listen to complaints in video game forums, they don't lurk the gamefaqs boards, they don't read the comments on Destructoid articles. They don't care about you. They don't. They care about your wallet. You are just another consumer. That's the truth. You know what companies I'm talking about: EA, Capcom, Activision.



But you know what happens if you complain about them, don't you?
Colin Moriarty calls you an "entitled" dick
IGN asks EA why people hate EA
Brenna Hillier calls you a neckbearded imbecile



Sure every once a while a good journalist will try to see things from the consumer point of view, but those are the minority. Because it's much easier to call you a dick, say that you're going to buy the game anyway, and call it a day.

There's also the issue with DLC. I'm not talking just about the "Disk locked" bullshit that Capcom and Bioware have pulled in the past. I'm talking about DLC as concept. Why are we, as a collective of gamers, OK with week 1 DLCs? Why are we OK with costume DLCs, extra character DLCs? What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I can't be the only one seeing how absurd it all is.



What happened to the days when unlockables were a given in every game? When extra costumes, characters and weapons[!] weren't hidden behind a criminal and absurd paywall? Why is it ok take such a huge step behind in consumer service?

Hell, what have you been doing about it? Gamers please, get angry. You should be pissed off. You really should. AAA companies have been screwing you for the past ten years, and you sit there doing nothing. Do something!
They love using piracy as a cop out excuse for shitty DRM and online passes, so why can't gamers use piracy as a means of protest?

Do something, do anything. How longer will you allow yourself to be pushed around?   read


6:20 PM on 01.12.2013  

Videogames and Romance or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the waifu

Love. Ah Love. You know what love is, right? That feeling you get on your tummy every time you look at that Zooey Deschanel look alike in library. How marvelous and wonderful would it be to actually go and talk to her. And then she'd look at your sorry candy nerd ass, laugh and walk away, with her phone in hand, tweeting about the pathetic situation ("OMG u guys. smelly nerd hit on me. FML")
(This was just an hypothetical example)



The fact of the matter is: How is love represented on video games today? It can't be realistically, because all the players would commit mass seppuku, while masturbating to hentai and eating sweet delicious strawberry pie.

See, a game like Mass Effect is a wish fulfilment fantasy game. Players can be a heroic badass, saving the universe, going on dangerous adventures and banging all the hot crewmates. Romance and sex are just sidequests. All you have to do is say the right things, go on a mission, and at the end your reward is sex. It doesn't matter how inept and ugly you Sheppard is, at the end, you can bang all the crewmates. Men and women.
If real life was like that, I'd never have dropped out of community college, since all the women look like guys and some cute guys looked like women. I'd get the best of both worlds.
Unfortunatelly, real life is not so convenient, and the only good looking girl usually dates the hot guys and hangs out alone in library, the only place where I could talk to her.



Another genre that has delt with sex, romance and bitter love is the visual novel genre. Who hasn't relieved himself while looking at some cute half-girl half-komodo dragon monster? But the sad fact is, you can't just be nice to a girl, tell her you like her very very much and invite her to your bedroom for some rice balls. In real life, she just gets freaked out and leaves the library in a hurry. "Oh no I don't like rice balls" said the lying vixen.



I'm getting sidetracked. Let's look at Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. It tells the tale of a desperate trying man to bring his lover back to life. He'd do anything for her. What happens when you say that to a real girl? She calls you a creep and threatens to get a restraining order against you. And then you get banned from the goddamn library. Fucking hell.

Okay next game: Persona 4, what it teaches you: Be nice and supportive for a girl during a short period of time and she will love you forever and take her pants off.
Real life: That fucking manipulative bitch asked her friends to beat me up and dump me on a ditch near the female dormitory where every single woman could see me on my Sailor Moon boxers..

Anyway, love is sucks, I'm glad videogames are not realistic about it, and the only things I need now are: A hug pillow, a fleshlight and Sexy Beach 3.

  read


9:13 AM on 01.06.2013  

A Third World confession: Without piracy, I wouldn't be a gamer today.

April 6th 1998, my sixth birthday. It was also the day I got my first video game console: A Sega Master System. A nice birthday gift, even if it was a badly thought out one. See, here in Brazil, video games have been historically overpriced. A Master System game cartridge cost almost as much as the console itself. So from 1998 to 2000, the only game I played at home was Sonic the Hedgehog.

For those of you wondering, this is a master system (3):



Reading this, you people may think I grew up in a poor family. I didn't. I'm actually part of a brazilian middle-class family. I didn't grow up in the favela, and I've never seen any monkeys roaming the streets. What I did saw though, was the advent of piracy in Brazil.
See, in a time when official games cost four times more here than in America, buying one was a privilege for few. I learned this around the time I got my first Playstation: 2002. Piracy was rampant to the point where Consoles being sold by official tech stores were being modded by the stores themselves.



The games were easy to find. They were sold out in the open. By the dozen. I could buy Legend of Mana, Final Fantasy 7 and Metal Gear Solid for 10 R$ (Something like 2.5 dollars at the time). And I did. I bought one new game per week. My PSX game collection was huge by 2005, when I bought a PS2. It was modded and came with over 60 games. Fatal Frames, Metal Gear, Gran Turismo, God Of War, Medal of Honor, Call of Duty, Resident Evil, you name it, I played it. Looking back on it, it was a twisted privilege. Any new game that came out, no matter how popular or obscure, I'd play it.
And for every God of War I played, a Nanobreaker came. I played some bad bad games.



"Why are you writing this?" "Are you promoting this terrible behavior?"
No. This is about how I stopped pirating games. And I owe it, in part to one game that came out back in 2007: Persona 3. I played the hell out of that game. Far too much. I spent more time in it then in all my other "unnoficial" games. I decided to buy it. Legit buy it. I was working part-time at the time, and it was my first time buying an official game. And boy oh boy did I hear some nasty things from my friends: 'Why would you do that?" "You can just download it!" "Don't you know how to burn games?"
I didn't care. I bought Metal Gear Solid 3 a few months later. And then I bought P4. And then I was done. Three great games was all I needed.



I didn't need a collection of 80 pirated games. Not anymore. Why would anyone want that? I don't even remember most of the games I played back then.
I'll be 20 this year, my PS2 is long retired. I own a Playstation 3, with Metal Gear Solid 4, Uncharted, Catherine, P4 Arena, Skyrim and others.
The better economy helped a lot obviously, but many, many people still pirate games today. Official tech stores mod consoles left and right. Not for me. I wouldn't like videogames as much as I do without piracy, but that's in the past. Now, my money goes to the developers I choose to support.
But please, never put all pirates in a single basket. I did what I did because it was the only way I could play video games back then. And If I'm supporting companies today, it's because I was a pirate once.   read







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