First off, I'd like to apologize, because I know DToid isn't the place for "Pouring my heart out" articles like this one.
Anyway, here it goes:
I asked myself a question today: Why do I even play videogames? "Because they make me feel good, duh"
Well that's the obvious answer. But why do they make me feel good? Is it escapism? Is it my way of dealing with the day-to-day stress of being a fucking nobody? Is it to get away from my puny problems and romantic delusions? I guess not.
I realized that I don't play games simply to escape from my problems. I play them to live an idealized life, a life I wish I had.
It's not something harmless like forgetting about your boss to level up a little bit in Devil Survivor. I do it to outright ignore reality itself. It may sound like the same thing, but trust me as I say: There is a world of diference.
It started four years ago. My last High School year. I've been a gamer for the better part of my life, but that never really got in the way of anything. I wasn't a victim of bullying, no one stole money from me or anything like that. I even had some great friends. One thing I did not have (and bare with my juvenile needy self for a moment here), was a girlfriend. I always felt the pressure, be it from my family or among my peers, to go and find myself a special someone.
And I did
Near the end of that year, I met Sarah. This is going to sound like something out of some bad made -for-tv movie, but I assure you, it's 100% real.
Sarah was a transfer student. Her old school was closing due to financial debts, and she had to finish the year at mine. We...connected. We liked the same movies, the same games, even our music taste was alike. I never had those oh so precious experiences of walking on the beach holding hands, or going to the movies or anything else, but she was there, and she was real.
For the next 8 months, I was that sad and "evil" nice guy you all heard stories about. Not the manipulative kind. The spineless kind. I did like her, but I just couldn't say it. But this ain't no sob story.
We eventually hooked up. It didn't last long. See, Sarah was crazy. As in: Actually insane. She decided I was too ugly to be dated. In her own words: "I can't walk around with you in public, sorry"
It came out of nowhere.
That's the root of my bitterness I guess
Ever since then, I haven't playing games to have fun anymore.
I played Persona 3 and 4 because I longed for meaninful relationships and better friends. I play Devil May Cry because being able to do one frame jump cancel combos makes me feel better than those who can't, as twisted and ugly as that sounds.
It's not about playing for fun anymore. It's about justifying myself through unreal achievements. A need for approval turned into a need for more level ups.
I don't want that anymore
If I want to continue as gamer, I have to man up and face life head on.