Video Game Heroes You Wouldn’t Want to Be Your Dad

Those who’ve been gaming for as long as the readers of this likely have, will have grown up basically hero-worshiping video game characters. Even beating a dick to one or two, if you’re that way inclined. These pixelated demigods who, in any other context, would be hospitalized and given shock therapy, etched out a place in our impressionable little hearts. To a select few the likes of Gordon Freeman or Cloud Strife were father figures – strong men who did good! REAL good! But what would become of these characters had that fantasy gone one step further, and one of them actually WERE your father? Random, stupid sentence leading into the bulk of this article…

SUPER MARIO

Where better to start than with this fat fuck. He fails the fatherhood test on a number of points. Firstly, he tells you he’s going to work, you think he’s going to be plumbing, but no, he’s a damn liar. This douche is actually fucking off to a Mushroom Kingdom to chase some fine young piece of tail who he’d never get a bang out of for all the coins in World 2-1. Beyond his pathetic commitment to this cause, the guy’s also disgustingly overweight, so don’t you dare think about playing catch in the park or going swimming with old daddy Mario! Not unless you want to witness him indulge in a crippling addiction to mushrooms just to be able to keep up with you.



DUKE NUKEM

I imagine Duke being the kind of dad who takes his 12-year old son to strip clubs, and hires him a whore for his 18th birthday. The kind of dad who lets Duke Jr. pour bourbon on his cereal, and fire his pistol into oncoming traffic. Duke would probably insist on his son wearing sunglasses at all times, permanently skewing the child’s sensory development. The result of a Duke Nukem fatherhood is the absolute corruption of a young life, kind of like if Amy Winehouse was male, with a blonde buzz cut.



SOLID SNAKE

So, in some respects, the guy WOULD make a cool dad. Super spy-come-mercenary who’s seemingly indestructible. But that’s just the surface layer. To be the son of Solid Snake, you need to know your roots. And like any Kojima-inspired back story, those roots are so infuriatingly complex that you’ll likely just file for emancipation at the first opportunity. You’ve got crazy uncle Liquid Snake, who’s actually Liquid Ocelot, who IS your uncle, but is actually a clone of your dad. Who, in turn, is a clone of your grandad, who didn’t seem to even want his sons, but whose wife did. And then somewhere along the line you’ve got this other uncle who’s actually pretty much your dad, just better. And all of the members of this family seem quite happy attempting, repeatedly, to murder each other… And then, along this line, there’s you! Son of Solid Snake. Better call a lawyer...



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