My first name is Lou, but my second name isn't Chou. That's a bit I stole from an amazing movie called "All About Lily Chou Chou" to round off my gaming handle.
Like seemingly 90% of the internet, I aspire to write about video games professionally. The culture, community, and to some extent the industry surrounding gaming are something I'd like to live from day to day.
I've been playing video games since I was about 3. My older brother traded 2 packs of cigarettes for his friend's Commodore 64. His friend was ludicrously rich, so it was a pretty amazing deal. I used to play a lot of Paperboy and Batman on that thing. The latter would give me a fucking headache though, they only used, like, 2 colors when they developed that thing.
The best game I've ever played is Final Fantasy VII. I'm sorry I can't pick something obscure and cool, but it had a profound effect on me. I mean, to the point where I was having FFVII-based dreams every other night. I fucking loved that game, and I wouldn't dare play it again now. It needs to stay in that period of time for me.
I have a personal gaming blog, which may well live here:
Those who’ve been gaming for as long as the readers of this likely have, will have grown up basically hero-worshiping video game characters. Even beating a dick to one or two, if you’re that way inclined. These pixelated demigods who, in any other context, would be hospitalized and given shock therapy, etched out a place in our impressionable little hearts. To a select few the likes of Gordon Freeman or Cloud Strife were father figures – strong men who did good! REAL good! But what would become of these characters had that fantasy gone one step further, and one of them actually WERE your father? Random, stupid sentence leading into the bulk of this article…
Where better to start than with this fat fuck. He fails the fatherhood test on a number of points. Firstly, he tells you he’s going to work, you think he’s going to be plumbing, but no, he’s a damn liar. This douche is actually fucking off to a Mushroom Kingdom to chase some fine young piece of tail who he’d never get a bang out of for all the coins in World 2-1. Beyond his pathetic commitment to this cause, the guy’s also disgustingly overweight, so don’t you dare think about playing catch in the park or going swimming with old daddy Mario! Not unless you want to witness him indulge in a crippling addiction to mushrooms just to be able to keep up with you.
I imagine Duke being the kind of dad who takes his 12-year old son to strip clubs, and hires him a whore for his 18th birthday. The kind of dad who lets Duke Jr. pour bourbon on his cereal, and fire his pistol into oncoming traffic. Duke would probably insist on his son wearing sunglasses at all times, permanently skewing the child’s sensory development. The result of a Duke Nukem fatherhood is the absolute corruption of a young life, kind of like if Amy Winehouse was male, with a blonde buzz cut.
So, in some respects, the guy WOULD make a cool dad. Super spy-come-mercenary who’s seemingly indestructible. But that’s just the surface layer. To be the son of Solid Snake, you need to know your roots. And like any Kojima-inspired back story, those roots are so infuriatingly complex that you’ll likely just file for emancipation at the first opportunity. You’ve got crazy uncle Liquid Snake, who’s actually Liquid Ocelot, who IS your uncle, but is actually a clone of your dad. Who, in turn, is a clone of your grandad, who didn’t seem to even want his sons, but whose wife did. And then somewhere along the line you’ve got this other uncle who’s actually pretty much your dad, just better. And all of the members of this family seem quite happy attempting, repeatedly, to murder each other… And then, along this line, there’s you! Son of Solid Snake. Better call a lawyer...
The following comes courtesy of a mysterious guy by the name of BakedMarcel420, enjoy…
So some trick was all like talking about his college class and shit and he was talking about the females and how they get “objectified”, or some word like that. And I was like “those broads seem pretty on it to me, they get to wear those awesome tight suits and have gigantic titties! That shit just boosts self-esteem, man.” And it’s true! Other femmes see these chicks in leather skin-tight suits and it gives them, like, ya know, shit to aspire to and stuff. Girls just wanna feel good about themselves, and if you’s a chick who’s rockin’ some monster cleavage and a big, g-stringed ass then you probably gonna be all like fucking getting the confidence to be a lawyer or a dental hygienist or even, like, a cheerleader for the San Diego Chargers or some shit. The sky’s the limit for that broad, yo.
Look at that Lara Croft chick, she’s just tearin’ it up on the tits and ass front, and that bitch lives in a mansion! She has fucking Ask Jeeves following her around her own estate while she does backflips over his dusty ass. The bitch is rich!
It don’t even stop with treasure-hunting or nothin’, you could be like a fucking Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball athlete broad and despite your ta-ta’s weighin’ like half your body mass you still manage to win major volleyball tournaments and shit. That’s empowerin’ for two reasons see, because you’s a professional dedicated to the game and you successful as fuck, but you’s also like “fuck you, gravity!” and them breastuses bouncing to the beat of they own drum. It’s inspirational.
Ain’t no objectifying going on, the only politrickin’ happenin’ here is that they ain’t more of these thick-ass Bettys in gaming, because they’s the ones handlin’ they fuckin’ bih-ness. Ain’t no skinny-ass, broke-ass, A-cup Aeris making bank! That bitch gets KERPLOW’d through the heart on some 187 shit. Probably because she livin’ in some ghetto ass ‘hood where these transgender, grey-haired motherfuckers in black dusters be carrying huge, fuck-you-up samurai swords around. Now TIFA on the other hand… DAMN! The front on that bitch be creating its own cup-sizes, and, what the fuck do ya know, surprise surprise, she go on to save the fucking planet.
Case/point, if you wanna save the world, or be a dental hygienist, or hunt for treasure and have your own wrinkly-ass British butler who gets a bone any time you wearin’ short-shorts, you need rack. Otherwise you gettin’ an 8-foot sword through yo chest. Fact.
Right, the story. Man, the story is like some treasure hunter bullshit, man. I mean, like, this fucking dude called Drake or some shit is the main guy. I thought it was kinda racist how white they made the dude, though. I seen that bro on the VMAs and he was like mixed race or some shit, so I don’t know what Sony is being racist for. I ain’t down with that, dude. I listen to hip-hop. Plus I got this bro I buy weed from who’s from, like, Portugal. Which is probably in Africa. it sounds African, like Senegal, and I know that shit’s African. Anyway, the dude is too tanned to just be tanned, that’s a natural thing.
So Drake is treasure-hunting some shit again, and he’s making these gay-ass jokes about everything, making me feel like I’m watching Buffy or some shit. Basically the story is pretty weaksauce, man. I mean, I’ve seen fucking Indiana Jones and that shit was great. Ain’t no rolling boulders, coal trains or infant Chinese sex slaves in this shit. Dude doesn’t even have a hat! Shit is a joke. Plus, he’s got this girlfriend, and ain’t no options to throw a kegger and get that bitch drunk or nothing. Even Mass Effect lets me nail aliens, and that’s some faggy space shit. This guy’s meant to be a bad ass and he doesn’t even get laid.
The gameplay is all like jumping onto shit and then shimmying 10 feet and then jumping again and doing that shit pretty much over and over for 8 hours. Ain’t no terrorists or bros like that to shoot, plus when I click the right stick to knife a motherfucker the camera just spazzes into the middle. Sony need to fucking change that, everyone knows that clicking those sticks is sprint and knife, who they thinking they are just changing that shit?
Playing online is the worst shit. Everyone knows that when you’re shooting bros online you wanna be looking through your character’s eyes, but Sony still make me move my dude around like I’m playing Bubsy 3D or something. SERIOUSLY Sony, get with the current shit! I ain’t playing no Nintendo DS like a fucking child molester. Screw that Mario shit.
0.5/10 (I’m giving this shit half a point because I like that song Drake did on NBA 2K11)
Everyone knows that movies based on games are fantastic *high fives Uwe Boll*. And everyone knows that games based on movies are even better. But why is it only the high-octane action blockbusters and kids animations that get the crossover treatment? Why is there little to no room for artistic dramas to be converted? While Activision work out how solve that problem (Call of Duty: Schindler's List edition?), I've conceptualized a video game for Lost in Translation.
If you're unfamiliar with this movie, it stars Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson as characters emotionally lost in strange and wonderful Tokyo, Japan. Besides using 80% of the movie to boost tourism to the city, the other 20% features the main characters trying really hard not to bone each other. They exchange intimate glances and occasionally touch each other softly. It's lovely.
The game will be a modern text adventure. You'll play as Bill Murray, whilst Scarlett Johansson becomes an unlockable player after completing a single playthrough. *If you complete a second playthrough, a bar of tofu will be unlocked as a playable character.
Here are some in-game screenshots I came up with:
You're due to star in your first commercial, and already Tokyo is being really Japanese to you. How will you handle it?
You and Scarlett Johansson are no longer strangers in the night, but how will Bill Murray cope?
That famous end scene. That whisper. Now, not only do you get to know what Bill Murray utters in Scarlett's ear, but you get to decide!
As a pre-order bonus you'll get the Japanese chat show host as a playable character. Enjoy his wacky mini-games as you collect as many used panties as possible in the allotted time (online leaderboards also available).
Lost in Translation: The Video Game - RRP $59.99 (360/PS3/Wii/PS2/Saturn)
*update: the ESRB deemed "the tofu sidestory" far too explicit for inclusion
I'm going to make this a quick one. No one needs to know how I reached these epiphanies taking a dump, or the arduous journey my food endured from mouth to anus. The object here is making some points, and in order to do so I'll use bullet points. Bullet points are fun, and make things interesting. I want them to be my new step dad.
+ @Replies I'm not the biggest fan of the GiantBomb community. In my experience the people there are either incredibly cool, or far, far up their own brown eyes. However, the way that communication is facilitated between GB members is really well done. If you @reply someone, you're notified. This is a way in which I could see myself spending a lot more time than I already do here at Dtoid; to be notified when someone responds to a comment I've made somewhere on the site. As it stands I'm leaving comments, and then almost instantly forgetting I've done so. If I could get a handy nudge via email to let me know about interactions with me, I'd love it.
+ Threaded comments As an active community, a lot of people here are leaving comments and actively participating in discussions. It gets to the point where comment threads become like forum threads, full of active conversation. In order to break up daunting reems of commentary, it might be good to see who is responding to who by indenting comments below the users they're left for. This pretty much works in tandem with my previous suggestion.
+ Actual bullet points Little did I realize when writing that first paragraph, but I don't think we have bullet points? I can't a magic button for them.
And that's me done. For now, anyway. They're mainly just pointers on how I would get more enjoyment out of the community aspects of Dtoid, particularly these here blogs. I love writing here, I just wanna feel a bit more connected to you peoples. Because I love the way you look, and want to smell your hair while you're sleeping.