Experts: Video Games Blamed On Violence

Another blow was struck against violence today, as a report published by the Canadian Milk Council has squarely put the blame for video games on violence. According to the report, there's a direct, undeniable connection between violence and the later development of PC games and their console counterparts. The excitement and visceral rush of violent acts, which the report estimates first occurred over 9000 years ago, is said by these experts to have inspired the invention, development and popularity of practcally all video games developed since the 1980s. The report did name some notable exceptions, including Barbie Horse Adventure, Imagine Dogz (but specifically NOT Imagine Babiez), and Bio Force Ape. Researcher Luna Dee of the Scarborough Institute for Cultural Studies gave us an example by telephone: "Our research indicates that the games we know today, if they had been invented at all without the dangerous precedent set by the advent of violence, would be so different as to be unplayable. For instance, we[ve determined that games like Battletoads, Gears of War, and NHL Hockey, without the influence of violence, would have ended up as Appletoads, Gears of Sleep and NHL Hockey 94." She added that, strangely, the Virtua Fighter series would have remained unchanged, as the game contained no measurable levels of excitement or violence in the first place.

Proponents of violence have already responded with understandable outrage on Milk Council forums. Xenu666 writes "What, now violence is responsible for video games? Sure, okay. Then someone explain to me why most gamers couldn't kick a puppy's ass. THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST in b4 Chris Hansen." Strong words from an understandably angry fan of violence. Clearly, people wish to enjoy violence without a constant onslaught of blame for things like video games.

The report didn't stop at video games, going on to blame violence for the fall of Rome, Jeff Gerstmann's firing, Ben Stein and the rising popularity of punching.