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If you ever take me on online, I'm likely to kick your ass. Or match you blow for blow. Or get lost in a corner and end up exploding myself into fun-sized portions with a grenade. Any and all of this stuff can happen with me, making matches alongside me something akin to gambling. Either I'm going to pull myself together long enough to destroy all that stand in our way, or I'm going to run around like a startled horse and get shot in the head a lot.

I am exaggerating slightly here, as usually I end up somewhere in that foggy region of bad to good on any given match, but there have been times where I've blown away the competition like a fan attached to a jet engine, and others where it might have been more useful to tie the control sticks back with strings and let a monkey press the buttons. On good nights I've beaten professional Halo players at their own game, or finished a race a full 15 seconds before anyone else got a chance to cross the line. On one bad night my kill/death ratio plummeted by .5 (this is a lot!). If I ever plotted a graph of my results (I'm not likely to, I don't care enough), I'm sure they'd be spread out pretty evenly across the board.

The likely reason for me spreading out over the results list like a lazy octopus is probably down to one thing - if I'm playing with other people and something goes wrong, I'll panic and start lose control. Equally, if something goes right, I end up getting further and further into the zone. In single player I do pretty well generally (I like to think I'm in the top quartile, although I'm probably a bit lower than that), and I take time to learn the advanced stuff that makes you win and all that jazz. It's just that if I ever try to transfer these skills to a multiplayer match, I get filled with a certain nervous energy, the same stuff you feel if you're on stage in a play, or about to sing in front of a crowd. For me, playing in front of other people is a performance, whether they're in the room or in some igloo in Coldistan. In the back of my head there's a sense that if I play badly, it reflects badly on me as a person and should be burnt at a stake, no matter how untrue I know that actually is. So unfortunately (or fortunately) for me, my standing amongst my peers is likely to be forever subject to the wind of change.

Oh hey The Scorpions did a song with that name, I'll put that in here.

Actually that was probably too political, I think it brought the mood down. Sorry everybody.
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