Hello there, nüblets. Back for another week of embracing your inner-manliness, eh? The testosterone coursing through your arteries feels good doesn't it? Hopefully you aren't hurting too much; initially the heartier (see what I did here?) blood might be too much for your puny ventricles to take...but they'll adapt. Or you'll die...but we'll leave that to the ol' natural selection.

This week's icon of video game manliness:



Motherfuckin' Sam¹ from the NES game Super Dodge Ball.

Let's run through the basics:
- Stout physique.
- Noticable scowl of determination
- Large balls
- Plays in dodgeball games TO THE DEATH

Yeah, you read that right: "TO THE DEATH". Just like gladiators (who I doubt would ever need to defend their manliness) except instead of shield and sword he uses hands and volleyball. This game isn't that pussy Madden '[XX] bullshit. This is a REAL man's sports game.

Now Sam not only plays in these games, he also is the leader and coach of team USA. What one can infer from this is that he trains other people to kill on a level capable of competing on an international-deadly-dodgeball-league tier. I can only believe he uses awesome Mick-ian phrases to build or break his men during training.

A man like Sam is not content to just sit on the sidelines and yell at his team however; he also strives to be the best player on the team. His special moves are probably the most lethal in the game. It is not unheard of that an opponent can die from just one of Sam's attacks. For those less aware, let me describe them for you. His ground attack is thrown with so much force that it distorts into a football/rugby-shaped ball and potentially PIERCES THROUGH an entire team. It's more than capable of turning your opponents into inexplicably-dark-skinned angels. Now if that was his only attack it would be more than enough...but he also has an air attack! After leaping to a height that is easily five times his own he throws the ball downward with such speed and spin that it turns into a flying discus of death. Now to put this one into perspective, I'm sure everyone here has dropped a plate, thin hardcover book, or some similar object on their foot. It FUCKING KILLS! Imagine getting blindsided in the face by one of those objects travelling at an unthinkable velocity. Damn. Just...damn. That would suck.

As with most times when people see a superior example of human, I'm sure there are going to be the haters and naysayers. Super human strength can't be natural right? Well, for those who think Sam achieves these skills by being a pussass, worthless cheater (a.k.a. taking steroids)...think again:

BAM!

Hard work and dedication at its finest. Watch that .gif...he'll never show signs of slowing down or struggling. The man does curls all day long. And he's obviously comfortable with his body, going out in public while wearing short shorts like that.

In conclusion boys (and girls?), how can looking up to Sam make you a better man? Besides the aforementioned, he'll put his life on the line for something he's worked hard for and he'll help others achieve the same. He strives to better himself without selfishness, gladly taking a hit from a Yemi, a Fuji, or a Boris to keep his fellow men alive; truly understanding the value of teamwork, mental strength, and numbers.

And did I mention he can kill a man with a volleyball?








¹: His name is really just 'Sam' but the 'Motherfuckin' was used for dramatic effect and to appeal to those damned Samuel L. Jackson fanatics.

I was so tired of my GoW banner. Finally I can post my logo-goodness-now-with-moar-Destructoid-flair. For real...I just kinda wanted to interrupt the spam-madness in the clogs if only for a moment. If you can't tell (or didn't already know) I'm kind of the resident viking around these parts...I figured it was about time I started representin' that a lil' bit.

And for the haters and history buffs: I know that's not technically a 'real' viking helmet. But the effect is better than the real thing. Plus I'm sure if I was living back then I'd have rocked the horns on my helmet. Intimidation can be crazy effective in battle.

As Destructoid's resident self-proclaimed expert on being a man, I've taken it upon myself the task of giving the non-burly something to strive for using examples from video games. In the age of metrosexual, the emo, and whatever the fuck this is, a hero was needed to pull up the male race out of the horrible places we've been dragged to. So join me weekly, brothers, as I give you a new (hopefully) cuss-filled write-up on a male icon (from the video game world) to try and emulate so that you too may become a better man. Run-on sentences abound.

For the inaugural entry I'll bitch slap you completely with a triple-tag-team of manliness: The Lost Vikings.



Now, we all know that vikings perfectly embody manliness. Hell...I'm of viking descent so one only needs to look as far as me to figure that out. Perhaps my first foray into un-wussifying is a bit biased but if you say anything about it I'll just choke you out with an arm triangle.

Back to the topic at hand...we'll start with that fellow on the far left: Baleog the Fierce, The weapons expert of the three. First take note of his face, adorned very well with a 'stache that would make Hulk Hogan look like your kid sister...combine that with some long unkempt hair and you have a look any man should be proud to rock. Now besides being hairy, Baleog (or Mr. the Fierce if you prefer) uses a sword to properly portray his potent virility, easily cutting down lesser men and beasts (the latter of which he'll sometimes eat; meat-eating being a generally macho quality). But when he gets bored of melee combat he still finds a way to fuck an enemy's day up while taking it easy: firing arrows into the face of said enemy. Yes friends...he is an expert at close distance and ranged combat. But his ranged skills do not involve gunpowder and bullets; just some good old-fashioned potential energy and Hooke's Law.

On to the middle chap. His name is Erik the Swift and his name speaks true to his primary skill: he's a fast sonuvabitch. You'll notice, however, that he does not have a weapon...or so it seems to the less-manly eye. A proper man knows that his body is a weapon. Erik has embraced this fact and uses it in awe-inspiring fashion by running head first into shit and destroying it. If people look back into their middle/high school years they might remember seeing a boy sitting against a brick wall of the school looking like he's about to cry; some might call him 'emo'. The reason he's so sad is because he saw the wall and realized he couldn't do anything about this obstacle...so he decided to mope upon it. Erik (being a proper man) would look at this wall, laugh at it, and then proceed to run through it using his head as the battering ram the male cranium was intended to be. His skills obviously exude machisimo, but what about his look? Ho ho, what a fine fiery beard that is. Being the 'fastest' of the trio, Erik doesn't like kissing...but does know that females do. He ALSO knows that most women avoid kissing facial hair like the plague. So one can only assume that is exactly why Erik conveniently grew his facial hair in a calculated fashion down to his crotch.

The beard is a perfect segway to our last viking, Olaf the Stout. A name which both speaks of his stature and of a proper type of beer (you don't get a gut like that from drinking Bud Select you man-ginas). You'll notice that he has braids in his beard. You might ask: "But Kalvin, aren't braids wimpy?" Well the answer to that question is strictly situational. If a man has a braided ponytail or is braiding a ponytail into anything, then yes...yes it is very wussy. But if you have so much facial hair that you can braid it into a rope or two of beard hair, then no. If you can do that you're at the head of this class. Have an A++ and an internet for your efforts. ::ahem:: Olaf...right...if his obvious beard skills and beer/mead drinking capabilities aren't enough to convince you of his manliness then perhaps being an unmoveable boulder of a man will help sway your fickle mind. When enemies approach him there is no need for him run away or fight; he just stands his ground holding his shield in front of him until the enemies realize they don't scare and can't hurt him, running away dejected and questioning their own manhood. But this isn't even his most man-like skill! He is also resourceful. Seeing his shield as more than just a blocking device Olaf decided to also use it as a glider and also a platform, showing that any object has multiple uses when being used by the right mind.

So there it is. Week one is not a weak one, and if you use this guide on your trek to manhood, you won't be a weak one either.

Don't care.

Even if this is considered a pointless post I'm excited about my videos being on the intertubes.

Not sure if this is any other 'TOIDers style of music...but here is my band Validus playing out at Backstage Lounge in Gainesville FL.

Let me know if you like...and let me know if you hate as well. If you like it enough...add us on Myspace!

(Moar videos on myspace and youtube)

I had to. I lol'd pretty hard throughout the last episode.

Sorry about the BioShock clog...this game is just too good...it's kinda inevitable that the game is gonna get too many writeups on every aspect of it. And even tho it has already been stressed...I'm just to much of an architecture nut to not say anything.

As maybe some people know...I am a budding architect and avid enthusiast of all things design. As such I am one of the worst people to go on trips with because I will drag whoever I am with to the most obscure location to see things normal people won't care about; such as a Toshiko Mori house, a Marcel Breuer chair or light fixture designed by Alvar Aalto. Places like New York make me cream my pants because of all of the hidden architectural gems (if you've never been to the Prada store in SoHo designed by Rem Koolhaas you haven't seen New York...fuck the Statue of Liberty...I still haven't seen that in person).



Anyway...back to the topic at hand. From the first moment I saw the attention to detail that the design team gave to Rapture I was in awe. When that whale soars through the "streets" I couldn't believe how beautiful a fantasy this game was going to be. Everything was so infused with Art Deco/Nouveau and Modernist techniques and aesthetics I found that I was only stopping enemies from their attacks so that they would stop interrupting me. I wanted to fucking admire the buildings and their interiors. These designers I am CONVINCED are some sort of architecture school graduates/dropouts. Maybe it's just mimicry of things they have seen in similar buildings and such...but it's damn good if that's all it is. There is so much history and personality inherantly built into the environments when a design team takes the amount of care they did with this game. Rapture is the first place EVER in a completely fictional video game that I felt could really exist...which is nonsensical because of the premise, manpower, money and technology needed to create a city like that in a location like that.

The environments in this were SO refreshing...especially in the "always-rocky-and-fairly-desolate" or "post-apocolyptic-city-in-partial-ruins" locations that ravage the FPS genre (I'm looking at you Gears). Even though the underwater city was essentially in ruins...the 'charm' of it was still very present. The last time that I can remember seeing any real architecture in a FPS was when someone recreated Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water house in CS Source...but I still attribute that to FLW and not a game designer so I don't think it counts.

To see this game continue to get the amount of praise it does gives me hope for the future of design. As a designer...and as I'm sure many know...good design is one of the first things thrown out if it can be done cheaper. If you go to any wealthy area in any city you will see this. A perfect example is false Med-Rev (Mediterranian Revival) architecture that has flooded the housing markets. Stucco, foam, terra cotta and frivalous decorations give the sense that everyone appreciates complete disregard for architecture as a valuable art...ironically the only art you get to live, experience, effect and interact with on a daily basis. But as I said...I have hope that people WILL appreciate good design when they are fortunate enough to be given access to it.

Hopefully other game developers will see the positive reception that Bioshock has received for its design direction and take more care in building a world gamers and players can enjoy as if it was a real place. Maybe game designers will push contemporary and futuristic ideas and design philosophies in their games' architecture. Could you imagine having a survival horror game set in a large scale building based off of Zumthors Therme Vals? Of course with the same attention given to the architecture's effects on all five senses.


Or how bout some sort of Parkour-inspired platformer that is set in an entire city with a similar aesthetic to Morphosis' and Richard Meier's?


Starting to catch my drift? Any other archenthusiasts? Apologies if you find the links highly uninteresting.