First off let me apologize for a week without a lesson. I was off doing something that required great amounts of testosterone no doubt. I can only hope that you all did the same. If I find out any of you so much as let a wine cooler touch your lips...no...if you were within five-feet of a wine cooler that wasn't being held by a beautiful woman (or man if that's your thing), I'm going to have to insist that you immediately punch yourself in the crotch. Your clackers obviously aren't tough enough.

Now...onto today's lesson. Everyone take out your chisel and hunk of rock so you can take notes. This badass of the videogame world is a fuckingnarly dude. He drinks, has a panty-wetting scar, carries a large phallic symbol, and kills (twice) an unstoppable monster.

::Caution to the idiots who haven't played FFX...Spoilers might follow::


Sir Auron, a fucking Legendary Guardian.

So where to start...how about his look? Seems a common place to start. Although not clearly visible in the pic above, Auron always has a five o'clock shadow. But this is no George-Michaeled and well-groomed stubble...it's the stubble of a man that has to shave every morning only to half-grow his beard back by day's end. What this means, in short, is that Auron has an insane amount of male hormone; as we all know that facial hair growth is largely affected by testosterone. That's manliness by way of science motherfucker. On a similar grain, some might notice that Auron has grey hair and think that he's on his way out the door. You fucking nübs. HE realizes that men SHOULDN'T grow old and feeble, but rather dignified and wise. He knows only a pussy would care about a little grey hair, trying to cover it up with hair-dye. Can you think of another example of a man not running from his age but instead, embracing it and using it to whatever advantage he can? I can. Perhaps you've heard of him.

Did I mention Auron also pulls off the turtleneck look without looking like a poorly-circumcised penis?

And how about those slick shades? As if I need to say that wearing sunglasses makes you cooler. It's a logic we all came to realize when we were toddlers...Auron ran with it.



This guy is just a beast, even in gameplay. He was so easy to make a tank. Just ridiculous strong. His sword was big, heavy, and nasty but he swung that shit with the ease and precision of the samurai he was modeled after. Although the gap of his strength and the others closed the further into the game you got and depending on how you played...for me Auron was always the guy that could fairly consistently slay high-quadruple-digit-hp enemies with a single swing of his blade. Based on some of the FMVs from the game...I have a pretty good idea what his workouts are like.



Monsters and baddies aren't the only things Auron didn't agree with. He defied the act of dying. Does that do anything for ya? Auron is dead (shut up you fuckwit...I warned you earlier about spoilers). When his FIRST battle with Sin was finished and he died he just decided to stick around. He figured he still had some shit to do and going to the Farplane was pretty far down on that to-do list. Somehow I doubt when any of us bitches die that we'll continue to live...just because we feel like it. Part of being good men is standing up to things that are in our way...but even still, there are some things that just can't be avoided; like death. The list of people who defy such things are short...and to avoid juxtaposing Auron with Jesus and turning this lesson into the realm of blasphemy...let's just say that the men who shirk their end are known to be pretty extraordinary.



Now, if I can, I wish to make one more point before this week is in the books. Before I do that though, I'd like to point out that I really didn't need to ask for permission right there...I mean...I'm too tough to be denied. Anyways...I haven't REALLY touched on the drinking aspect of being a man (well...at least not in this series of my clog). Drinking is tough. Not anyone can choke down something that to most is foul tasting and enjoy the flavor. Auron is one of the few who can. In fact...he loves the drink so much that he carries a FUCKING JUG around with him at all times. That is NOT to say that he is an alcoholic (if you are an alcoholic you are weak and show me that your willpower is worthless). Auron isn't drinking all the time, he just has the option. If he goes to a party and all they have is some hunch punch or some nonsense like that...he can whip out his jug and enjoy the taste of his choice liquor without it being diluted by sugars and fruits. As I'm sure most of you know (either from personal experience or experienced personally) not everyone handles their alcohol well. Many lessers become belligerent, staggering, delusional idiots. Auron on the other hand after having a drink is still as stalwart as ever. You know the man had to have been tossing back a few every now and then having to listen to that idiot Wakka jabber his way clumsily around Lulu, trekking with the pestering voice of Rikku, and dealing with Tidus' daddy-issues. Him and Kimahri probably went off and got their drink on between some of the meaningless "leveling" battles*****...but when the time came to battle Auron was still a badass...even sometimes using his liquor to help wound an enemy (yes...it was some strong shit in that jug). He knew his limit, and he knew that perfect amount to keep from getting shitfaced while still keep the buzz that can make any party tolerable. A sign of a seasoned man.

Here's to you, Auron. ::raises own flask::





***** NOT doing ANYTHING even REMOTELY furry. Dammit...I shouldn't even have to put this footnote...but I know one of you fuckwits will think about it and I'll have to deal with EVEN MORE Rule 34...