As Destructoid's resident self-proclaimed expert on being a man, I've taken it upon myself the task of giving the non-burly something to strive for using examples from video games. In the age of metrosexual, the emo, and whatever the fuck this is, a hero was needed to pull up the male race out of the horrible places we've been dragged to. So join me weekly, brothers, as I give you a new (hopefully) cuss-filled write-up on a male icon (from the video game world) to try and emulate so that you too may become a better man. Run-on sentences abound.

For the inaugural entry I'll bitch slap you completely with a triple-tag-team of manliness: The Lost Vikings.



Now, we all know that vikings perfectly embody manliness. Hell...I'm of viking descent so one only needs to look as far as me to figure that out. Perhaps my first foray into un-wussifying is a bit biased but if you say anything about it I'll just choke you out with an arm triangle.

Back to the topic at hand...we'll start with that fellow on the far left: Baleog the Fierce, The weapons expert of the three. First take note of his face, adorned very well with a 'stache that would make Hulk Hogan look like your kid sister...combine that with some long unkempt hair and you have a look any man should be proud to rock. Now besides being hairy, Baleog (or Mr. the Fierce if you prefer) uses a sword to properly portray his potent virility, easily cutting down lesser men and beasts (the latter of which he'll sometimes eat; meat-eating being a generally macho quality). But when he gets bored of melee combat he still finds a way to fuck an enemy's day up while taking it easy: firing arrows into the face of said enemy. Yes friends...he is an expert at close distance and ranged combat. But his ranged skills do not involve gunpowder and bullets; just some good old-fashioned potential energy and Hooke's Law.

On to the middle chap. His name is Erik the Swift and his name speaks true to his primary skill: he's a fast sonuvabitch. You'll notice, however, that he does not have a weapon...or so it seems to the less-manly eye. A proper man knows that his body is a weapon. Erik has embraced this fact and uses it in awe-inspiring fashion by running head first into shit and destroying it. If people look back into their middle/high school years they might remember seeing a boy sitting against a brick wall of the school looking like he's about to cry; some might call him 'emo'. The reason he's so sad is because he saw the wall and realized he couldn't do anything about this obstacle...so he decided to mope upon it. Erik (being a proper man) would look at this wall, laugh at it, and then proceed to run through it using his head as the battering ram the male cranium was intended to be. His skills obviously exude machisimo, but what about his look? Ho ho, what a fine fiery beard that is. Being the 'fastest' of the trio, Erik doesn't like kissing...but does know that females do. He ALSO knows that most women avoid kissing facial hair like the plague. So one can only assume that is exactly why Erik conveniently grew his facial hair in a calculated fashion down to his crotch.

The beard is a perfect segway to our last viking, Olaf the Stout. A name which both speaks of his stature and of a proper type of beer (you don't get a gut like that from drinking Bud Select you man-ginas). You'll notice that he has braids in his beard. You might ask: "But Kalvin, aren't braids wimpy?" Well the answer to that question is strictly situational. If a man has a braided ponytail or is braiding a ponytail into anything, then yes...yes it is very wussy. But if you have so much facial hair that you can braid it into a rope or two of beard hair, then no. If you can do that you're at the head of this class. Have an A++ and an internet for your efforts. ::ahem:: Olaf...right...if his obvious beard skills and beer/mead drinking capabilities aren't enough to convince you of his manliness then perhaps being an unmoveable boulder of a man will help sway your fickle mind. When enemies approach him there is no need for him run away or fight; he just stands his ground holding his shield in front of him until the enemies realize they don't scare and can't hurt him, running away dejected and questioning their own manhood. But this isn't even his most man-like skill! He is also resourceful. Seeing his shield as more than just a blocking device Olaf decided to also use it as a glider and also a platform, showing that any object has multiple uses when being used by the right mind.

So there it is. Week one is not a weak one, and if you use this guide on your trek to manhood, you won't be a weak one either.