Nintendo is firm in their belief of ruling and operating under Machiavellian mindset. That is why they have decided to keep their Virtual Console teams in check using an imposing technique...











The ominous glare of Concelmo the Carpathian, the sorrow of Moldavia reminds them of their impending termination should they be a part of a worst week ever.

First off let me apologize for a week without a lesson. I was off doing something that required great amounts of testosterone no doubt. I can only hope that you all did the same. If I find out any of you so much as let a wine cooler touch your lips...no...if you were within five-feet of a wine cooler that wasn't being held by a beautiful woman (or man if that's your thing), I'm going to have to insist that you immediately punch yourself in the crotch. Your clackers obviously aren't tough enough.

Now...onto today's lesson. Everyone take out your chisel and hunk of rock so you can take notes. This badass of the videogame world is a fuckingnarly dude. He drinks, has a panty-wetting scar, carries a large phallic symbol, and kills (twice) an unstoppable monster.

::Caution to the idiots who haven't played FFX...Spoilers might follow::


Sir Auron, a fucking Legendary Guardian.

So where to start...how about his look? Seems a common place to start. Although not clearly visible in the pic above, Auron always has a five o'clock shadow. But this is no George-Michaeled and well-groomed stubble...it's the stubble of a man that has to shave every morning only to half-grow his beard back by day's end. What this means, in short, is that Auron has an insane amount of male hormone; as we all know that facial hair growth is largely affected by testosterone. That's manliness by way of science motherfucker. On a similar grain, some might notice that Auron has grey hair and think that he's on his way out the door. You fucking nübs. HE realizes that men SHOULDN'T grow old and feeble, but rather dignified and wise. He knows only a pussy would care about a little grey hair, trying to cover it up with hair-dye. Can you think of another example of a man not running from his age but instead, embracing it and using it to whatever advantage he can? I can. Perhaps you've heard of him.

Did I mention Auron also pulls off the turtleneck look without looking like a poorly-circumcised penis?

And how about those slick shades? As if I need to say that wearing sunglasses makes you cooler. It's a logic we all came to realize when we were toddlers...Auron ran with it.



This guy is just a beast, even in gameplay. He was so easy to make a tank. Just ridiculous strong. His sword was big, heavy, and nasty but he swung that shit with the ease and precision of the samurai he was modeled after. Although the gap of his strength and the others closed the further into the game you got and depending on how you played...for me Auron was always the guy that could fairly consistently slay high-quadruple-digit-hp enemies with a single swing of his blade. Based on some of the FMVs from the game...I have a pretty good idea what his workouts are like.



Monsters and baddies aren't the only things Auron didn't agree with. He defied the act of dying. Does that do anything for ya? Auron is dead (shut up you fuckwit...I warned you earlier about spoilers). When his FIRST battle with Sin was finished and he died he just decided to stick around. He figured he still had some shit to do and going to the Farplane was pretty far down on that to-do list. Somehow I doubt when any of us bitches die that we'll continue to live...just because we feel like it. Part of being good men is standing up to things that are in our way...but even still, there are some things that just can't be avoided; like death. The list of people who defy such things are short...and to avoid juxtaposing Auron with Jesus and turning this lesson into the realm of blasphemy...let's just say that the men who shirk their end are known to be pretty extraordinary.



Now, if I can, I wish to make one more point before this week is in the books. Before I do that though, I'd like to point out that I really didn't need to ask for permission right there...I mean...I'm too tough to be denied. Anyways...I haven't REALLY touched on the drinking aspect of being a man (well...at least not in this series of my clog). Drinking is tough. Not anyone can choke down something that to most is foul tasting and enjoy the flavor. Auron is one of the few who can. In fact...he loves the drink so much that he carries a FUCKING JUG around with him at all times. That is NOT to say that he is an alcoholic (if you are an alcoholic you are weak and show me that your willpower is worthless). Auron isn't drinking all the time, he just has the option. If he goes to a party and all they have is some hunch punch or some nonsense like that...he can whip out his jug and enjoy the taste of his choice liquor without it being diluted by sugars and fruits. As I'm sure most of you know (either from personal experience or experienced personally) not everyone handles their alcohol well. Many lessers become belligerent, staggering, delusional idiots. Auron on the other hand after having a drink is still as stalwart as ever. You know the man had to have been tossing back a few every now and then having to listen to that idiot Wakka jabber his way clumsily around Lulu, trekking with the pestering voice of Rikku, and dealing with Tidus' daddy-issues. Him and Kimahri probably went off and got their drink on between some of the meaningless "leveling" battles*****...but when the time came to battle Auron was still a badass...even sometimes using his liquor to help wound an enemy (yes...it was some strong shit in that jug). He knew his limit, and he knew that perfect amount to keep from getting shitfaced while still keep the buzz that can make any party tolerable. A sign of a seasoned man.

Here's to you, Auron. ::raises own flask::





***** NOT doing ANYTHING even REMOTELY furry. Dammit...I shouldn't even have to put this footnote...but I know one of you fuckwits will think about it and I'll have to deal with EVEN MORE Rule 34...

Gather 'round men-in-training. It's time again for you to learn something that will hopefully help bring you out of your probable state of being a well-rounded wuss. I'm just going to jump right into this weeks lesson.



You might be asking: "Who the fuck is that? He doesn't even have a beard! Is that even a male? That looks like a hairband."

Listen up and pay attention, dipshit, because I'm about to mindfuck you.

Being burly, hairy, and completely stacked is not what being a real man is about.

Not saying that those things don't sometimes help, but more often than not your actions better define your manliness than any physical aspect about you. Since that IS the case then the fellow I introduced you to a moment ago is one of the manliest people you might ever meet.

His name is Wander from the game Shadow of the Colossus. You could learn a thing or two from him...and if I still have any nüb doubters who NEED some physical sign of manliness in order to respect this chap, look no further than the cape. Capes are basically one of the baddest-ass things you can wear.

So first thing's first. Wander apparently has no fear whatsoever. If you heard that there was a twenty-story-tall giant that WOULD want to kill you if it knew you were near, what would you do? Well...maybe you would think you'd like to see such a giant but you sure as hell would keep your distance. Don't even say you wouldn't you fucking liar. Do you know what Wander thinks?



And you know what? He does. And you know what else? He does it with a fucking sword. He's not a ballistics expert and he doesn't rely on any kind of firepower. He runs straight at the colossi with nothing more than a few pointed objects and decides he can take them down. He not only scales these mountains...he slays them.

Would you believe that this isn't even what makes Wander a superb example of what a man is? You better...sonofabitch I know the way.*

Moral and existential dilemmas aside, Wander does not raze these behemoths because they are a threat or because he's a dick...rather he's doing so for a completely selfless reason. He feels that slaying the colossi is the only way to revive a dead girl, Mono.

However you slice it, it's a noble action. It's never revealed if he's doing it for love of the girl or to right what he believes a wrong...but whatever way you look at it his benevolence towards her is obvious. Even when faced with the prospect of "paying the heaviest price" for her revival or noticing his body's deterioration with every colossus that dies, he remains unwavering in his quest.

His good nature though is not only evident with his relationship to Mono, but with his horse. If anyone ever wants to know the definition of comradarie or what it means to be an unwavering friend look no further than their loyalty to one another.

The player is never given a backstory of the two but it is obvious that they have been through much together and work with an unprecedented partnership. You don't acquire a friendship like theirs by having Machiavellian ideals. There is a love there that is hard for most people to understand. (If you take that last sentence out of context just know that if I could be near you when you do I would pound you into submission with my fists)



I hope this week's lesson didn't take too somber or serious of a turn. I just wanted to make clear that just having "manly" traits does not make you a man. The often dichotomic juxtaposition of "being manly" and "being a man" might lead weaker minds to choose one over the other or viewing one as being superior to the other. A balance has to be achieved between machismo and compassion. Many men(?) have lost sight of the importance of chivalry, love, and friendship as integral elements to the masculine makeup.

Oh yeah.

One last note about Wander: he sired an entire line of horned boys. Um...manly? Absofuckinglutely.




And for the quick tip...something along the lines of Hallow's Eve and to help with inevitable zombie-apocalypse...








*Gratuitous Sublime reference.

I forgot to make my latest "Manliness" clog live this morning. Six hours later, now it's neatly tucked away a few pages back. For those that aren't 'friends' of mine, you can read it [Edit] here:

Manliness, Video Games, and You -- lv. 3

Alright mongrels. It's that time of the week again; put down your margaritas and cancel that eyebrow waxing appointment (don't worry FiXXXer667...I know you never had one). Time to dry your tears and stiffen that upper lip. DAMN IT! If you don't quit blubbering, I'll give you something to REALLY cry about. Man-class is in session.

In honor of Capcom's big announcement this week I only thought it proper to talk about the toughest and manliest Street Fighter character:



Ugly fucker isn't he? For those unfortunates that are unaware. That mean looking bastard is Sagat* from the Street Fighter series. He's such an imposing and exemplary specimen. Crazy scars, hardened visage, lack of neck, and fingers that are bigger than most dicks. He doesn't care about deception, you know this guy could kick your ass twice over just by looking at him (and he probably did your first many playthroughs of SF2).

Let's delve deeper into his past to see why this guy deserves your emulation.

You might notice that Sagat wears an eye patch. See, when Sagat was a teenager he became an Emperor/God of Muay Thai (yeah...so...what did you do when you were a teenager besides jack-off onto the shower tiles?). His first title defense was a match so epic that it cost Sagat's opponent, Go Hibiki, his life and cost Sagat his right eye. So to review a bit: Sagat becomes a champion of what is arguably the most badass striking sport while a teenager, and he kills an opponent for having the audacity to take his eye. I shouldn't hear ANYONE question his manliness...and we aren't even through yet.

Some might think that the loss of depth perception might affect the effectiveness of your skill in a sport that relies on depth perception; yeah...maybe if you aren't Sagat. This guy instead of wallowing in self-pity over the loss of one of his eyes decided instead to host the first World Warrior tournament so that he can fight the most conditioned fighter and prove how much of a bad dude he is. For the record...he didn't win and he still proved the previous claim. Let me explain: during his battle with Ryu in the finals of this tournament, Ryu unleashed a move that is powered by murderous intent. The keyword in that last sentence was "murderous". Ryu used a move meant to kill the hardest fighters, a move that is forbidden because of its insane power. Sagat survived it, and now has the most chick-wetting scar anyone has ever seen.



But you should know this about him in closing as it might be his manliest trait yet: Sagat, altough possessing a shady past, has been able to prove himself noble. He really only seeks to challenge himself for his own betterment. He knows how to show self-restraint and wants fair fights. Even when given the opportunity to destroy the man who tried to kill him and left him disfigured, he chose to help his rival so that they could later fight under clean conditions**. Sagat knows it wouldn't count if he beat Ryu while he wasn't 100%. Any person here who has ever "kicked someone when they were down" gets a long and intense "for shame"-face from me. A real man wouldn't do such a thing even to his worst enemy. When my nemesis, John Basedow, was rumored to have perished in a tsunami my first thought was how I could help find him...as I have yet to have my five minutes of cage match with him.

Look...I shouldn't really have to explain this one. Sagat is a man. A man whom, as this picture might suggest, is of convenient stature. No need for a beard if you catch my drift...

So men, boys, and (if applicable) those penilely impaired, class is over for today. Remember to keep fighting the good fight against the plague of pussyness that has overrun so much of our population. Til next week...








*If you ever try to google pictures for Sagat...for the love of God...turn "safesearch" [u]ON[/u]!!!

**Wikipedia summarizes this little storyline nicely for those not familiar with the various histories of the Street Fighter universe.

Alright mongrels. It's that time of the week again; put down your margaritas and cancel that eyebrow waxing appointment (don't worry FiXXXer667...I know you never had one). Time to dry your tears and stiffen that upper lip. DAMN IT! If you don't quit blubbering, I'll give you something to REALLY cry about. Man-class is in session.

In honor of Capcom's big announcement this week I only thought it proper to talk about the toughest and manliest Street Fighter character:



Ugly fucker isn't he? For those unfortunates that are unaware. That mean looking bastard is Sagat* from the Street Fighter series. He's such an imposing and exemplary specimen. Crazy scars, hardened visage, lack of neck, and fingers that are bigger than most dicks. He doesn't care about deception, you know this guy could kick your ass twice over just by looking at him (and he probably did your first many playthroughs of SF2).

Let's delve deeper into his past to see why this guy deserves your emulation.

You might notice that Sagat wears an eye patch. See, when Sagat was a teenager he became an Emperor/God of Muay Thai (yeah...so...what did you do when you were a teenager besides jack-off onto the shower tiles?). His first title defense was a match so epic that it cost Sagat's opponent, Go Hibiki, his life and cost Sagat his right eye. So to review a bit: Sagat becomes a champion of what is arguably the most badass striking sport while a teenager, and he kills an opponent for having the audacity to take his eye. I shouldn't hear ANYONE question his manliness...and we aren't even through yet.

Some might think that the loss of depth perception might affect the effectiveness of your skill in a sport that relies on depth perception; yeah...maybe if you aren't Sagat. This guy instead of wallowing in self-pity over the loss of one of his eyes decided instead to host the first World Warrior tournament so that he can fight the most conditioned fighter and prove how much of a bad dude he is. For the record...he didn't win and he still proved the previous claim. Let me explain: during his battle with Ryu in the finals of this tournament, Ryu unleashed a move that is powered by murderous intent. The keyword in that last sentence was "murderous". Ryu used a move meant to kill the hardest fighters, a move that is forbidden because of its insane power. Sagat survived it, and now has the most chick-wetting scar anyone has ever seen.



But you should know this about him in closing as it might be his manliest trait yet: Sagat, altough possessing a shady past, has been able to prove himself noble. He really only seeks to challenge himself for his own betterment. He knows how to show self-restraint and wants fair fights. Even when given the opportunity to destroy the man who tried to kill him and left him disfigured, he chose to help his rival so that they could later fight under clean conditions**. Sagat knows it wouldn't count if he beat Ryu while he wasn't 100%. Any person here who has ever "kicked someone when they were down" gets a long and intense "for shame"-face from me. A real man wouldn't do such a thing even to his worst enemy. When my nemesis, John Basedow, was rumored to have perished in a tsunami my first thought was how I could help find him...as I have yet to have my five minutes of cage match with him.

Look...I shouldn't really have to explain this one. Sagat is a man. A man whom, as this picture might suggest, is of convenient stature. No need for a beard if you catch my drift...

So men, boys, and (if applicable) those penilely impaired, class is over for today. Remember to keep fighting the good fight against the plague of pussyness that has overrun so much of our population. Til next week...








*If you ever try to google pictures for Sagat...for the love of God...turn "safesearch" [u]ON[/u]!!!

**Wikipedia summarizes this little storyline nicely for those not familiar with the various histories of the Street Fighter universe.

Look, I drink. And this is in response to Excremento's idea of posting drink recipes on the site. Here's mine...and it's the tastiest and my most favoritest drink I know how to make.

Here's what you'll need:

1 bottle of whiskey/bourbon/scotch (My fave is Jack Daniels)
1 dirty glass (optional)
A couple ice cubes (optional)

The finished product should look something like this:



...or this if you're awesome:



Thanks for reading. Enjoy your drink responsibly.