For the yet-to-be fathers out there, let me go ahead and shed some light on a little known fact that I’m sure most of my fellow gamer dads on here can attest to – At some point or another, you’re going to screw up. Whether or not you ruin your child’s entire life is a completely different matter, although I’ve been informed that they’re going to blame you once they hit puberty anyway. Lately, my daughter has decided that “Daddy’s wrong” is her new favorite game. I swear her mother taught her that one. So far, the only thing that I can think of doing wrong came from only the best of intentions. Having what I consider to be a typical three year old southern girl, my daughter loves animals and flowers. With this in mind, what could be better than a video game that simulates both? Enter Harvest Moon: Save the Homeland.



I’m sure at this point I’m getting more confused looks than nods of empathy, so I’ll continue. After having several instances of my daughter walking in on more mature games (see previous posts) I decided that it would be better to introduce her to a love of video games without all of the sexual innuendos and graphic violence. Planning ahead, I took off one sunny Saturday afternoon and toiled around the local GameStop looking for the perfect rainy day distraction. Not willing to invest in a new gaming system, I began looking through my options. After a good half hour, I’d narrowed it down to Viva Pinata for the 360 or Harvest Moon for the PS2. Vague fond memories of mindlessly plowing, planting, watering and harvesting for cash-money came to mind as I flipped the box over and over. I was disturbed that the main character was a boy, because I certainly didn’t see it, but Japanese art seems to be drifting that direction these days with effeminate males and girls that would only appeal to china doll collectors and pedophiles.



After a brief epiphany that talking piñatas are creepier than Richard Simmons, I purchased Harvest Moon and trotted home proudly, anxiously awaiting the next rainy day I’d take the first effective step in creating a gamer. This being Texas, it didn’t take too long for a bad weather day and I was ecstatic.

Mom had just stepped out to go grocery shopping and my daughter was staring blankly at a horrific show called The Wonder Pets. It was the perfect time to give it a try. I ran to the bedroom and pulled the box from the top of the bookshelf, walking back in with an obviously fake look of innocence smeared across my face. “I have a surprise for you,” I said, holding the game behind my back. Little eyes widened to saucer state as the magic words were heard and registered. The only thing more exciting than a surprise, is a surprise meant specifically for them. She bolted over and hopped up and down on my toes excitedly until I pulled the game out and snatched it with grabby fingers. She stared intently at the front cover for a good minute before flipping it over and staring at the back, mouth open in awe.

“Can we watch it now, daddy?”

“Even better. We can play it!” I opened it up and pulled out the disk, putting it gently inside the PS2 that we’d been using as the DVD player at the time. The screen came up and I handed her the controls, which she stared at with an overwhelmed look of excitement and confusion. Intro screens came up followed by a menu screen, and then the game could begin… Or so I thought at least.



You see, the thing that I had overlooked with the original Harvest Moon game is that there was no voice acting, just a bunch of talk-bubbles. I had hoped that feature would have changed by the time it hit the PS2, but I was horrifically wrong. It took us a good twenty minutes to get through the story/tutorial part of the game with me reading the ever-so slow moving text with only the sounds of some amateur ambient track in the background and a high-pitched beep every time a letter popped up. The same high pitched beep you hear when your keyboard locks up, which shouldn’t be that surprising because it’s exactly what it felt like. My daughter’s pretty good with her letters, but even if she could pick out a few words here and there, the idea of reading a video game is a bit archaic and while I might enjoy text adventures, there’s not a chance in hell that my CG spoiled toddler will be appreciating it anytime soon.

By the time the game actually started and she could run around, she was insanely bored and fidgety. She was also getting frustrated with the game seeing as how she couldn’t do what she wanted and couldn’t figure out what the game wanted her to do. I was even a little confused. Frustrated kids usually means grumpy kids, so I quickly distracted her from the game by picking her up and tossing her in the laundry hamper. As with other games she’s seen and hasn’t liked, she hasn’t asked for it since.

So the moral of today’s story – make sure that you buy your young kids games that don’t require reading, it’s just cruel.