Otherwise known as, "Why I shouldn't teach history."



Long before Al Gore invented the internet, humanity had a need. Nature was calling and the man who stepped up to answer was Joseph Gayetty. While the Romans were busy sharing a sponge-on-a-stick floating in a bucket of brine, Joseph came up with the idea of using soft paper to wipe and dispose of after each trip to the outhouse. He’d sell them in boxes not entirely unlike tissue paper is today and revolutionized copping a squat. A generation later, Irvin and Clarence Scott, two brothers from Philadelphia would later go on to greatness with the invention of the first toilet paper roll with perforated sheets. As a tribute, each and every Mr. and Mrs. J.R. Poopenheimer has taken a moment of silence in respect for these nameless heroes just before they use their miracle product.



There comes a time in every man’s life that he’s in dire need of a pick-me up: at last call it’s probably one more for the road, during retirement it may be a little blue pill and at your completely not-lame LAN parties, it’s our dear friend caffeine. Considering that caffeine occurs naturally, I like to thank the big man upstairs. He’s a peach when it comes to sprinkling this wide green earth with fun herbs and extracts that make living here more interesting. When it came to discovering its true potential, however, we need only thank one Friedlieb Runge. In 1819, Runge was given a box of Arabian mocha beans to analyze and he managed to isolate the world's first sample of pure caffeine. So the next time your eyes are bleeding at 3am while hacking the limbs off of pixilated bodies and you spill some soda on your lap, just nod to yourself and let everybody around you know that it was for your homie Runge.



While we’re discussing multiplayer gaming, it’s fair to mention that the tea bag was invented in 1908 by Thomas Sullivan. Given that he was the type of character who was known to hand-sew the bags before sending them off to customers, I’m pretty sure he’s the patient sort who would find the time to crouch over his latest pwnage victim for the ultimate show of male dominance.



Something that I’m sure all console gamers should appreciate is the fact that your games are linked to a remote control. Do you know what games would be like if you had no way to control the characters? That’s right, JRPGs…



Oh my… I’m sure I’ll be getting some nasty looks for that one. Regardless, while the first wired remote control came from some nobody working for the Zenith corporation, a few years later the first wireless remote was invented by a true hero to mankind, Eugene Polley. He called his remote the ‘Flashmatic’ (1950s catchy, eh?) and it used photocells instead of the infrared we’re used to today. So when you look at that lovely lump of lazy next to you on the couch, snuggle closely against their soft, squishy flesh and say a special ‘thank you’ to the ghost of Eugene Polley for making all of that possible.



Since pre-Biblical times, people have been looking for ways to enjoy the subtler pleasures of intimacy without the traditional side-effect. While many will say that the greatest enemy of birth control since its conception is the Catholic church, I personally blame Charles Goodyear for his rubber contribution to the cause. While I’ve been an avid customer in the past, it replaces a large portion of sensation with a slight edge of security. The true hero of this story would come along over a century later when Frank Colton accidentally created the Pill (although Searle, the company he worked for, was adamant that it was never created) and passed it on to George Pincus… who went on to perfect it and distribute it through Searle. One year after FDA approved the Pill, it was being used by over 1.2 million women. This suggests that at that time there were over 1.2 million happy men, give or take.



That just about does it for today, too much learning at once makes people stupid. I’d go on to mention famous bloggers, but I’m pretty sure that falls somewhere between the cracks of oxymoron and ass-kissing.