I want to play World of Goo. I want to enjoy World of Goo. I want to beat World of Goo. But I can't. Why? Let me tell you:

For those who haven't played this game, it involves connecting goo balls that stick to each other to create a bridge or tower to a tube that sucks them up.

But that dang OCD! OCD in this particular case is Obsessive Completion Disorder. It is a bonus that you get for meeting specific conditions. Conditions that are very hard; for me, at least. It often requires getting the maximum amount of goo balls to the tube. You have to use the minimum amount of goo balls for the tower or bridge. But I like how it says "Get x or more goo balls," as if it is possible to get more! You douchbag designers, giving us false hopes!

"Sure you can get more, but you only need this many! You can do it!"

And sometimes the goal is to "Complete the level in x turns or less." Arrrrrgh!

And I must get this bonus! I don't even know if it does anything except make flags appear over the level you completed. If it does anything beyond that (and yeah, even if it doesn't), than I may never be able to beat even the first world in World of Goo.

"You don't have to get the bonus, you can just beat the level normally."

Yes I do dammit! I have to! I have to! I...



Fuck this noise.

That's what happens. Whenever I try to play this game, I go for the OCD challenge every time. I act as if it is the only goal worth getting. I can't help it. I've already beaten the level. But I just do the same level over and over hoping and praying that this will be the time I get that god-forsaken bonus. But it is not to be. I eventually get fed up with the tedium of it all and I just quit. This is a phenomenon I call "Rage Quit Syndrome."

It is quite a contradiction. You'd think that the OCD would mean that I wouldn't stop until I got the bonus. Thank goodness that isn't the case, I'd be playing forever and die on the spot! But it seems that my body has come up with this defense mechanism against starvation that completely shuts off all the motivation that only moments ago consumed me.

But that's the problem! I still want to play the freaking game! I just don't want to be obsessed with getting this damn bonus! But it's either one or the other. Play until you get that bonus or don't play at all. I've gone with the latter for a while now.

"Why don't you just look up how to get the bonus on GameFAQs or something?"

Yes, that will solve the problem of completing those bonuses! But at what cost? Just following some other guy's instructions to the letter doesn't exactly give me much self-satisfaction. I'm supposed to be the one completing the game here. Not to mention it's just plain boring and tedious looking back and forth from my computer to my TV and following these instructions. And the tedium was what triggered my RQS in the first place!

The worst part is this problem has spilled over to other games. I was playing Advance Wars and I couldn't get the S Rank. I beat the mission quite handily, but I just can't move on the the next mission until I get that medal!

I think I should note that I can still play RPGs with all kinds of stuff I'll never find without worrying about this. This is probably because if I miss stuff in an RPG, I don't know that I missed it. My failure to get everything isn't all up in my face. Ignorance is bliss.

"Well, maybe these games just suck. Maybe it's not you..."

I want to believe this. I really do. But I have a problem believing it. I know that if I was playing these games without worrying about getting the best rank, I would still have fun.

My damn perfectionism has kept me from beating a game that my grandmother could probably beat. And it sits there on my Wii menu, mocking me. "Not only can you not get the OCD bonus, you can't even beat the first world! Hahahahaha! You suck!" You're right World of Goo, there is no denying it. I hope you're happy, 2d Boy. You've torn down a once proud gamer.

And I stand here a broken man, admitting to you all that I suck at games.