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It's like a monkey.

Twitter: @DtoidKyle

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Ethier is dabes <3 u dre

Having an allegiance to a sports team is stupid. I am stupid for doing it. It's like rooting for Clorox to do well on the stock exchange or something. But I grew up with a love for baseball. Not because my parents forced it on me. They were quite indifferent. I wasn't one of those babies decked out in cutesy merchandise, an unknowing billboard for a privately-owned company that's somehow allowed to appropriate my home town's name.

No, I chose this. Or at least I continue to choose it. I love baseball. I love the Dodgers. It's an irrational, one-sided relationship that consumes much of my time and energy. But, oh, that first trip to Dodger Stadium as a child. That was a magical experience. It could have easily been Candlestick Park, you know. Instead of a warm summer's day in the City of Angeles, it could have been a cold, wet, foggy night one some horrid peninsula. One unsuitably cold for penguins.

I am a Dodger fan because of proximity. Had I grown up an hour or so north of where I lived as a child, I might be wearing a black and orange San Francisco Giants ca-- Sorry, I just vomited in my mouth a little bit.

Anyway, I've been a Dodgers fan for over two decades, and it's been a generally depressing experience. Oh, sure we had Hideo Nomo. Nomo was just the best. And there are other highlights too probably. But there's so much heartache involved with loving sports. Only one team's fanbase is happy by year's end. Chances are it's not you.

The Dodgers are coming off two consecutive division titles. This should make me happy. They have a star-studded roster and a payroll higher than Mount Everest on crack cocaine. But, as Brad Pitt once said, "If you lose the last game of the season, nobody gives a shit."

The last time the Dodgers celebrated a championship, I was swimming around in a womb.

It could be worse. I could be a Cubs fan. Cubs fans have died of old age and never seen their team win a World Series. My grandmother, among them. She loved the Cubs so dang much. Come to think of it, maybe this affliction is her fault. Maybe there's baby pictures of me in a Cubs shirsey somewhere. Dear god. I can almost picture it so vividly there almost certainly probably are. Maybe. Or not.

Anyway, videogames. We're here to talk about videogames, right? (Good lord, did I ever bury this lede.) They are a good way to fantasize. I can boot up by copy of MLB The Show and construct a team of my choosing, put all the high profile players I like on one roster and pummel everyone in my path. I can set up a tournament and try my hand at the playoffs. Do what my Dodgers, in reality, couldn't. It's a nice bit of escapism. A bit hollow, but it's something. It doesn't take the sting away so much as it gives my overactive mind something else to think about while I pine away for next year. 

"Wait 'til next year!" goes the famed unofficial slogan of the erstwhile Brooklyn Dodgers.

There's a World Series going on right now. I sure hope the Royals win, too. Because the alternative would be untenable. You know, because of my irrational hatred of the Giants. (Is it irrational? They've hurt me so.) So I'll just sit here on the couch and ignore reality. The Dodgers are still hitting home runs. The Dodgers are still winning games. Andre Ethier is in the starting lineup. Nah, that would break the sense of immersion. Nobody would believe that these days.

It's on the television, you know. Just like the real baseballs. And it looks almost sort of real in sort of creepy Heavy Rain kind of way.

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Here is a list of companies that make videogames sometimes, as described by Google's autocomplete. #JOURNALISM




.

"Ubisoft is milking Assassins Creed" That picture says it all.

"Nintendo is doomed"  Naturally.

Capcom is racist," and will apparently never live those Resident Evil 5 trailers down.

"XSEED is awesome." Well, yeah. 

"Bethesda is pissing me off"

"Electronic Arts is the worst company in America," but you knew that already.

Likewise, "Activision is the devil." Oh Bobby Kotick....



"Atari is a very sad story." Yep.

"BioWare is dead to me." Harsh, but okay.

"Bungie is better than 343." 

"343 is a prime number." Take that Bungie!

"Valve is lazy." As is THQ, apparently. 

"PlayStation is [homophobic slur]" Very mature, internet. 

"Xbox is phone number" Erm. K.

"Rockstar is ruining GTA online" 

"Rareware is still around." That's about the nicest thing you could say about them.

"Atlus is pregnant."




This was totally unnecessary. But you read it. So, I think we all know who is really at blame here.



It's Obama.  Obama is to blame.
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We just doled out a mess of game of the year awards, and they're all lovely games. That said, they're not necessarily all my favorite games of 2013. So, in the interest of full disclosure or something, here were the games I voted for. 

Honorable mentions: Tomb Raider, Ridiculous Fishing, Electronic Super Joy, Killzone Shadow Fall, Pandora's Tower, Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, Project X Zone



I feel like Rain came and went without many people taking notice of it. And that's really a pity, because it's a heartwarming and enjoyable adventure. I really enjoyed the early 20th century France atmosphere, with the accordion music, and the graphical effects with all the water were just lovely. The ending made me well up a bit too, but I didn't full-on cry like I did last year with The Unfinished Swan.



Dragon's Crown got a lot of buzz for being offensive and all that, but that kind of distracted from the fact that it's kind of a great game. Say whatever you want about certain aspects of the art, on the whole it's just gorgeous. Along with the music and narration, it transports you to this world with fun brawler combat and RPG elements. I think this is a game I'll be returning to for years.



The Bit.Trip series is just all kinds of amazing. Though my love for the Wii tempered in recent years, I was quite the fanboy at one time and these games were a big reason why. Then Gaijin Games comes back with Runner2 and took the experience from the original title to a whole new level. I'm not sure auto-run platformers get much better than this.

*My review



I make no secret of my love for Japanese role-playing games (or Atlus) and Shin Megami Tensei IV is an amazing JRPG. It's oldschool, and can be pretty brutal at times, but it's all worth it. I fell in love with the game the moment a demon requested that I poop with him when I asked him to join my party. Scatalogical humor, it's the quickest way to a man's heart. 



Killzone: Mercenary is the best portable first-person shooter ever. Sure, there's not a lot of competition out there, but it looks and feels like a PS3 game. And in some ways it's kind of what I would have liked Shadow Fall (which I also enjoyed quite a bit) to be. The multiplayer is limited and the Vita doesn't have the best input for shooters, but the quality of the game itself is undeniable. Where others have failed miserably, it's amazes. Simply put, Killzone is my jam and Mercenary might be my favorite in the series.



I don't really like 3D Mario games. I don't really know what it is. I grew up with the Super Mario All-Stars and that's the Mario I like.  Super Mario 3D World, though, it's a hybrid. And it's a total nostalgia trip. It takes what I love about the New series and turns the experience on its ear, really going the extra mile to make everything loads of fun. If you removed the stupid star collection bullshit, it would be near perfect. I fucking hate that crap so hard.  

Back to the positive vibes: OMG I love all the Plessie levels. Also, Neko Mario. KITTIES!



You can read my thoughts on Tales of Xillia at length here, but you probably won't. You probably just looked at the pictures in this article and then judged me and called me a weeaboo. Really, though. Tales of Xillia is amazing. I called it a modern classic. The characters are so endearing. The battle system makes grinding fun. The music is, well, I'm listening to it right now. Seriously, just go play it.



The Legend of Zelda; A Link Between Worlds is a very long title to type out, but it's also a wonderful entry in one of my favorite series ever. This portable marvel harkens back to what I loved about the franchise in the first place. Not only that, but the game really streamlines the experience, cuts out the crap, and manages to put a new twist on the formula too. Isn't that what people have been begging for? Definitely one of my favorites, right alongside my beloved Majora's Mask.



Is Fire Emblem: Awakening the best SRPG ever or is Fire Emblem: Awakening the best SRPG ever? Dude, I could not stop playing this. It consumed my life for a little while there. Everything from the way it looks, to the way it sounds, to the gameplay, to the wonderful localization is just HNNNNNG. Ugh, I love it. I love it. I love it. Just writing this makes me want to replay it. I don't care if you hate RPGs, or strategy games, or don't have a Nintendo 3DS. Get one. Now. Play Fire Emblem



Speaking of games that I couldn't stop playing, The Last of Us has scarcely left my PS3's disc tray since the game launched. After going through the wonderful campaign, which really wowed me in ways that big budget AAA games rarely ever do, I gave multiplayer a spin and was hooked. 

I hate to use this term, but it's visceral. It's a really violent game, set in a violent world with terrible people that do horrible things, and I love it. The storytelling brings it all together. I believe in it. The quality dripping from virtually every facet of the experience gives me hope. Joel and Ellie's journey was magical -- in a horrifying sort of way. I believe in Naughty Dog now. Man, I don't even like Uncharted.

The competitive experience brings me back week after week after week. I'm still playing this game. The emphasis on collecting resources is really interesting, and I particularly like the round-based best of seven mode where you only get one life. It makes sense within that world, where you're hanging by a thread and trying to scrape things together and will do anything and use anything to survive. It's pretty much the antithesis of the Call of Duty-like multiplayer experience that I loathe. So, therefore it's amazing.
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What is up Destructiod? This blog is about The Last of Us which is a videogame you can play. It is basically like that documentary called Tekken starting Qui Gon Jinn. In it you play as a man who has a job in human trafficking named Joel. My neighbor's name is Joel. One time he invited me over for a barbecue but I could not eat anything because I am a vegetarian and everything had meat on it and I was sad. Anyway, human trafficking is bad and you should not do it. Except The Last of Us makes you do it which is actually pretty tasteless actually. Shame on you Naughty Dog. You are a bad dog. A naughty dog. 

The Last of Us also has a character that is a girl. Shocking I know. I am led to believe she is a very good character and is played by the actrice Juno from that one movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and the loud noises like those in the Tom Cruise movie War of the Worlds which I actually thought was pretty good actually. As you can see in the screenshot above, the graphics are very much photorealistic. They have advanced polytron graphics exclusive to PlayStation Three that other consoles do not have. So stop asking for a Wii U port. You cannot have my emotions.

I was very sad to hear you do not get to play as Juno. Someone on Twitter told me that this was sexist probably. Anyway, back to Joel the more important character in the game. Joel is a bad man and does bad man things. Joe hurts people. Joel also likes to steal things. Joel goes into houses that do not belong to Joel and takes things from drawers and shelves and other things that are not drawers and shelves to keep and use as if they did belong to him actually. This is wrong. And I believe it does not send a good message to the youths in America.

Speaking of this, if video games were real life Joel would go to jail and be arrested probably. That would be The Last we see of him! I am concerned The Last of Us may be too violent.  I have been watching the Fox news lately and the pretty ladies and handsome men sitting on the comfy looking couch had some words for video games. Video games have come a long way from Pac Man and Pong they said. I agree with this. Speaking of men. Where is Mega Man Legends 3, Capcom? Back on topic now. Unfortunately video games are also very violent now and games such as Pony Friends for the Nintendo DS may be making people do violent crimes. Video games should be taxed like as are cigarettes and alcohol to stop the violence. 

Another disturbing thing about The Last of Us is that it is scary like that other frightening shoot 'em up F.3.A.R or that other one which I seem to have forgotten the name of. Oh well. I do not like scary movies because they make me scared and then I have to sleep with the light on at night and my energy bill goes up and it is already summer and the air conditioning is on already and we are living in economic times. Thanks Obama. Anyway, the zombies frightened me and I had to change my pants. In conclusion, The Last of Us is not a classic of the genre like Resident Evil 6 but it can still be fun sometimes. 

I give it one and a half thumbs up.
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Update: Dragon's Crown also deserves a spot on this list. And from what I've played of Killzone Mercenary it'll be on here too.

We're a little over halfway through the year. Seems like a good time to do some reflecting or whatever. In no particular order...

My favorites...



Fire Emblem: Awakening is a modern classic. Intelligent Systems have crafted one of the finest strategy role-playing games in years. This alone is a reason to pick up a Nintendo 3DS.



I'm pretty sure The Last of Us has ruined AAA games for me. It sets such a high standard. Just about anything else pales in comparison. Naughty Dog have come as close to perfection as I've seen from a big budget release in a long, long time.



Tomb Raider is one of thsoe games that The Last of Us ruined for me. I couldn't help but constantly think about all its little flaws. Ad yet, like a summer action flick, I found it pretty entertaining. It's not great, but I couldn't put it down.



I love the Bit.Trip series. The way Gaijin Games blends facets of retro design into all-new nostalgia-laden experiences really speaks to me. Runner2 continues that trend. It's a pretty good time.



Released just a week into the New Year with little to no fanfare, Anarchy Reigns was sent out to die. And that's a real pity because this pseudo-follow-up to Madworld is one of the most entertaining multiplayer games of 2013. The murderous sport that is Deathball is well-worth the title's asking price alone.



Project X Zone is a game with little in the way of nuance. It takes characters from the vaults of Capcom, Namco, and Sega; and tosses them together into a tactical role-playinggame. It's total fan service and I love it.



Ubisoft repurposed the mechanics from one of my favorite releases of last year into a wacky new experience. Far Cry 3 is pure stupid fun. And it's great value for money to boot. More of this please.



Least favorite games...

BioShock Infinite, Time and Eternity, The Starship Damrey



Most anticipated...

Killer is Dead, Dragon's Crown, Killzone Mercenary, Zelda: A Link Between Worlds, Saints Row IV, Killzone Shadow Fall

Still in the Backlog...

Pandora' Tower, Shin Megami Tensei IV, Metal Gear Rising, Monaco, Antichamber
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Videogames probably aren't real life. Link never has to worry about smelling terrible after jogging halfway across Hyrule. Diddy Kong eats plenty of bananas, but never has any poop to throw at anybody. (Sad, I know.) I think we can all agree, unless there's a zombie hiding in the tub, bathrooms are pretty irrelevant to videogames. (Oops. Sorry! Spoilers for Resident Evil 1 on the GameCube, y'all.) This makes Mario and Luigi pretty sad. If they weren't otherwise occupied saving princesses whilst moonlighting as professional baseball players, race car drivers, golfers, etc, etc, they'd be pretty damn unemployed because nobody needs a videogame plumber. Absolutely nobody.

Videogames need to be more like real life. And real life shoulb be more like movies probably. I think I saw a man use a toilet in a movie once. Also, a lady shower scene with frosted glass below the clavicle. I broke my clavicle once while skateboarding. That is pretty irrelevant actually. Anyway, videogames should be more like real life movies probably which David Cage said is good. We need more bathroom using. Like as did Heavy Rain and Indigo Prophecy with shaving and urinals. Urinal cakes. Mmmmm cakes.

Luckily, innovation is happening in this sector. Earlier this year I did reviewed a game called Corpse Party Book of Shadows (picture aboved) which did feature some ladies doing the hygiene. There was another Corpse Party which did also did the bath time except it was brother and sister instead of friends.

Croixleur also referenced bath time between friends, which is good for the environment as it does conserve the water. This theme is also present in The Last Story, where protagonist Zael can choose to peek on his friends Syrenne and Calista while they are also conserving water. Except Syrenne and Calista did not seem to appreciate the peeking. Don't peek, you guys!

Other innovation games include Hyperdimension Neptunia Victory, God of War 2, teh Witcher 2, Persona 4 Golden, Prince of Persia Sands of Time, and Dishonored. So freinds, get INNOVATION, and scrub a dub dub in the tub.
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