I figured it’s the end of my first week writing here at Destructoid so I might as well do one of those re-introduction things. Everybody’s doing it so I’ll just jump off that bridge too. I’m a real sucker for some peer pressure -- the drug that kills.

Alright so some of you know me as ye olde community member Cadtalfryn. Others don’t, but that’s okay because I’m talking at you now regardless. I’m new contributor here. So, if you’re on the front page you might read things that I did type with my fingers onto a keyboard about real gaems what you can play. Like that Megaman game where you rescue the princess from Dr. robotnik made by Nintendo for Japan.

Anyway... If you would have told me four years ago that I’d be writing for my favorite website I’d have… not believed you, actually. But life’s funny sometimes. I was at the gym many moons ago when I received an email from Niero saying “Fuck yeah you're hired!” I almost the treadmill in surprisement. It was like there an AMAZZZZING yardsale. EKANS.

I don’t think I’d ever have had this opportunity if it weren’t for a trio of Dtoid community members I bumped into by chance one night. The night Sean Evan’s business card graced my wallet was possibly the most important night of my blogging life. But for him, it was a Friday. Albeit, the Friday after a long week at E3, the same Friday that the Lakers won at sports and set the place on fire. BTW the Dodgers are BLATANTLY better than the Lakers. LOL TROLL BIAS



So long story short I met walkyourpath, Kauza, and SilverDragon1979 at this E3 kegger thing. It was supposed to be for that Scott Pilgrim game, but a lot of Dtoiders totally crashed it. Great night. I hugged Jim. Wore this. And met Niero (he's so nice!) all for the first time. It was almost as great as finally getting to meet Jonathan Holmes at PAX after missing him at this Bit.Trip event (Screw parking meters). Also good times. I guess that wasn’t short and I never actually got to the point but STFUAJPG it’s my blog damnit. Forums are that way >

So after talking to Shawn, Sean, and Andrew (Shaauuun! Jaaason!) I ended up writing with them over at Gamer Limit. We'd all previous met for discourse via these here wonderful Cblogs -- which I joined because God told me I sucked. Anyway, I learned a lot writing at Gamer Limit. I don't think I'd ever have this opportunity or fulfilled childhood dreams of attending E3 if it weren't for meeting those guys and that site.

I really can't thank them enough and I think my life would have been really different hadn't I bumped into them. Maybe once SilverDragon1979 isn’t too busy being married to beautiful women in paradise and carrying boxes into brand new houses he’ll write another review for us to read or something.

The opportunity to write at GL is an amazing, invaluable experience. But it also tore a lot of my attention away from this community over the last year. Finishing off my degree didn't help matters either. I've missed this place and am really looking forward to jumping back in. So yeah, hi.

In concrusion...Happy Birthday Samit.



PS. Weird, obscure Japanese games are better than those AAA Western games and if you don't agree....Pancakes.

Also, Cocks.

Four times now I have made this journey. I have voyaged across a sea of glittering sand, dotted with the scattered remnants of my ancestors’ world. Here once stood a grand civilization. Now, all that remains are but ruins. Pillars line the horizon of this once great place. Between them lay the headstones and the burial mounds of my forefathers.

As I pass, I call out to them. It may seem odd, but they speak back to me. No, not in words, but I know they are there. Speaking with the spirits and seeking out the hidden treasures of the land has granted me knowledge of my ancestors' past and the uncanny ability to soar through the air. How incredibly exhilarating it is to be raised towards the heavens by a gust of desert gale, even if for a fleeting moment.

Yet, I am dissatisfied. I have heard tales of others, such as myself, making this same journey and happening upon other travelers. Here I am, nearly at fifth journeys end, by myself. I’ll stop to search the horizon once more for another soul. Yes, I am alone in this desolate place.



There is a broken bridge ahead. I know how to mend it. I need do little more than speak out to my ancestors and they will aide me in my travels. They can restore the way ahead so that I might continue on the last leg of this passage.

Falling to my knees, I collapse in the sand. I give up. This desert wasteland once had some strange beauty to it. I once walked alongside every gravestone, every piece of rubble, examining the rare magnificence of this landscape. Now, my focus is fixed on the emptiness of the desert. What good is this wondrous scene if I have no-one to enjoy it with?

Just when I am resolute to abandon this quest, I look out to see the bridge. The ancestors have begun to repair that which was previously broken! The spirits of my forefathers have begun to sew the rubble together with magical crimson cloth. That means… There is another. I climb the bridge and look out on the valley below, spotting someone, someone like me.



I run out to the person. Though we speak not the same language, we have found a way to communicate – through song. It appears as though this other wanderer is heading towards that mountain gleaming in the distance. I have found a companion for this pilgrimage.

My new acquaintance introduces me to aspects of the world previously unseen. Together we speak to every ancient in the valley, leaving no stone unturned. In return for the company they grant us abilities which we couldn’t imagine. Though we have sailed on the wind before, now we fly as though birds.

Time passes, yet my friend and I stick together. We traverse the dunes on the long road towards that shining peak. We happen to stumble across carpets that dance in the sky like kites. They will even let us soar with them for a few moments, playing in the air.

Oh no -- the last dune. Below is a valley shrouded in darkness, from which a great, ancient monument rises. This is where the journey ends. I call out to my friend in vain, in hopes that we can turn around. From the crest I watch as my comrade slides down that last dune towards the dark place. I know that our time together has come to a close.

So last night I received this text message from a good friend of mine. He asked why I gave Portal 2 an 8/10. I replied that I thought it was a great game and most of my reasoning was contained within the review, if he wanted to give it another look. He responded, telling me that the score just seemed low.

Now, when I reviewed Portal 2 I was in the midst of finishing up my senior thesis for my undergraduate degree. So I played the game, wrote the review up, sent it off to my editors, and really pay much attention to many other outlets’ reviews or the response my review received. I was more concerned with getting my diploma rather than what people on the internet thought about my opinion.

I took a look last night and I found out the review was one of the lowest scores on Metacritic and garnered a pretty negative reaction…at least from the people that commented. Funny thing is that most people didn’t seem to respond to much of anything I had to say – but the score at the end of the review.



I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. It seems as if most people really only read reviews to see if their opinions match those of the reviewer. People love both Valve and the Portal franchise and I was one of the people shitting on their new favourite game…except that I wasn’t I was saying it was a pretty damn good piece of software that could have been a tad better.

I find it incredibly interesting that people have such loyalties to companies. Unless you work for one of those companies, or own stock I don’t really get that sense of fervor. Why is it that fanboys love the PS3 and hate the Wii (or vice versa)? Is it because they think that the PS3 has all good games and the Wii doesn’t have any? Well, I doubt that. I own both consoles and have a decent number of awesome games for both. I grew up playing games on a Nintendo console but eventually broadened my horizons because you just can’t get all of the fantastic experiences the industry has to offer with a single console. I think I’d get a Xbox too if I had a little more disposable income, and didn’t have thousands of dollars of student loans hanging over my head, but I digress.



I suppose one of the only aspects of my life I can sort of relate with that mindset is in the realm of sports. I like the Dodgers because I’m from LA. I like baseball and I have some sense of civic pride for my city so that’s pretty natural I suppose. Then again, I don’t really understand it when people heckle me, or don’t want to be friends merely because they’re Giants or Angels fans. It doesn’t make sense to me, but maybe it’s comforting for people to buy into or identify with something on a really extreme level.

Another interesting thing to note is that people think 8 is a low score. There’s a full ten point scale and people seem to think 9 or 10 is good, 8 is mediocre and 7 is bad. I’m probably preaching to the choir here at Destructoid, where people are more or less reasonable, but by my way of thinking a 5 would be mediocre or middle of the road because…it’s in the fucking middle.

And come to think of it, I almost gave Portal 2 a 7. That middle bit was really shit. It was kind of like a sandwich that had really gross fillings, but this bread that was fucking awesome.

From the moment I heard about Dead Space I was in love with the concept.

My father indoctrinated me into the world of science fiction when I was a young child. Star Wars, Star Trek, Doom, Larry Niven and Robert Heinlein novels…I was exposed to it all whether I liked it or not. Similarly, I’ve been in love with survival horror since I first played Resident Evil on the Gamecube. So this whole Dead Space thing seemed like a match made in heaven – a game made just for me.

I’ve had a Wii much longer than I’ve had my PlayStation 3, so the first title in the series I managed to get my hands on was Dead Space Extraction. Despite all the hate it got for various design and platform choices I genuinely liked the game.



Extraction was perfectly digestible. I can’t remember specifically how long it took me to complete, but it couldn’t have been much longer than five or six hours. I was fine with that. I liked it so much I played it twice.

So now fast forward a year or so. Dead Space 2 is coming out soon, and I’ve had a copy of Dead Space in my possession that my friend, and now colleague over at Gamer Limit, is too scared to play. He’s leant the game to me, but now there’s a bunch of hype surrounding the franchise and he wants to give it another shot.

So I needed to play Dead Space. “Fuck all my other games, I have to play this game now” I said to myself. Sorry Medal of Honor multiplayer, so long Far Cry 2 No Death Run Attempt #4 it’s time for a game I’ve wanted to play for years but haven’t for some reason.

It’s sort of scary for the first hour or two…at least in the way that Resident Evil was the first time you saw the dog come through that window. After that it’s just more of the same really. Same old shit. The hours wear on. The game drones on. There’s nothing really to break up the “go here, do this” gameplay other than the same necromorph ambushes time and again.



I get so bored I decide to look something on the internet up. “THIS GAME HAS TWELVE FUCKING CHAPTERS?” I was barely half way through that shit and I wanted to be done. Then you get near the end and there’s the annoying “puzzles” – if you want to call them that. The people that said Dead Space is what Resident Evil 5 should have been have to be fucking kidding themselves.

I really like what EA have been doing lately. Extraction, Dante’s Inferno, Mirror’s Edge, Battlefield, Medal of Honor, in my opinion it’s all been fantastic. I went into Dead Space expecting a decent game, but now can’t for the life of me figure out why people like it so much. The most I can say for it is its mediocre, satisfactory, fair, a decent attempt at a new IP.

So I hear Dead Space 2 came out…not really that stoked anymore though. LMK when the next “shitty” rail shooter game comes out I’ll be all over that.

Oh hi I’m Kyle MacG, videogame fan and lover of fine things. I’m here to talk to you about videogames. Stay tuned for my thoughts on a game for that Nintendo Wii everyone has been talking about. This review of Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers is brought to you by Colt 45.



Colt 45. It works every time. Unfortunately, Onechanbara doesn’t.

Onechanbara’s story goes as follows: you play as a totally hot Japanese cowgirl in a bikini. She has a katana and uses it to kill zombies. The gameplay is rather simple: look at the screen, find a zombie, use the analog stick to move towards the zombie, and waggle to win. Repeat that process for about two hours and you will see the credits roll.

At least Onechanbara is short. If games are going to be this bad, the least they can do is waste as little of my time as possible. I am looking at you Final Fantasy XIII. (You PS3 breaking…time wasting…only gets good after a full day of play time SON OF A BITCH)



Anyway, I wouldn’t say Onechanbara is bad as much as it is terrible. It is pretty impressive that a game that has zombies, swords, and girls in bikinis can be this bad. I mean this game should be sure thing. Something even more impressive is that developer - Tamsoft put more effort into the protagonist’s character model than the rest of the game. To be fair, it is a pretty nice character model and one of the title’s only redeeming features. Screw the gameplay. At least they know what really sells games...masturbating teenagers. Too bad you can't play the game with one hand, kids.

Now, I don’t claim you can have a better time playing Onechanbara with Colt 45 than you can without it. But why take chances?

Sony Computer Entertainment and thatgamecompany’s Flower is a title that is considered by many to be centered on evoking positive emotions and have a soothing effect on the player. While Flower succeeds at this with its lush and vibrant visuals and a soundtrack that is both calming and captivating; I believe that Flower has a story to tell that is far more interesting than a gorgeous game about the interaction between the wind and flower petals would let on.



From the outset Flower delivers on the aesthetic that sells the game. From the first moments of gameplay the player takes away several very simple things: it is visually beautiful, calming, peaceful and liberating all at once. Flower romanticizes nature from its outset. It delivers and reinforces a common mindset amongst the world’s population today: nature is a beautiful place to go if only you can ‘get away from it all’ and find it. Nature is place in the world where the absence of other people can let the natural systems of the planet shine and show their raw beauty. It is for this very reason that places such as National Parks and media like National Geographic exist. Humans are in awe of the natural world and they long for it, but for the most part we are disconnected from it. Our planet seems to hosts two very distinct worlds: the natural world and the world of man. As far as games go, playing Flower for the first time it is not terribly difficult to understand how John Muir must have felt when he first happened upon the Yosemite Valley. It is truly a sight to behold: visually breathtaking, unique and unlike anything seen before in a videogame: clear blue sky, a sea of rolling hills covered in tall grass green as emeralds, the tranquil wind creating ripples and waves across this sea, and vibrant colourful flowers dotted across the landscape.

Later on in Flower wind turbines are introduced to these pristine landscapes. Wind turbines are a source of clean and renewable energy. As such they have found themselves being used as a symbol of the modern environmental movement that has largely focused itself on pollution, green house gas emissions, and global climate disruption. Not only are they more environmentally friendly, but many consider them to be visually pleasing or are at least more visually pleasing than say – a coal-fired power plant. When you see the sun setting behind rows of wind turbines in Flower they can be downright beautiful as their silhouettes line a sky that looks as though it were an oil painting signed by God himself. So while this addition of wind turbines may not seem like a particularly huge development for the location in terms of beauty or tranquility; it marks a distinct turning point for that place. The world of man and that of nature has begun intermix. That place is forever changed, and because the will of man differs from that of nature a conflict is born.



We are living in dark times. For the first time in man’s history our progress threatens our very existence. Since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution mankind has done amazing things that people had previously never thought possible. However, in the process we are harming the very planet that gives us life. We are destroying our only home. In the latter levels of Flower the stormy darkness, paired with eerie pylons and electrical towers is a stark contrast to the calming and aesthetically pleasing landscapes leading up to that point. This shows that no matter our intention, and no matter how separate we may consider ourselves from the natural world we do have an effect on what lies beyond our picket fences.

As it stands nature and man have a confrontational relationship. Man sees the natural world as a resource to be used for his own purposes. This exploitation of natural resources would be fine if the offenders were the only ones to feel the consequences of their individual actions. Unfortunately that is not the way the planet’s environmental systems work. Nothing we ever do is done in a vacuum. Everyone and everything on earth has an equitable share of the earth’s natural systems and resources. Everything gives and in turn everything receives, and for millions of years this closed loop system has been entirely sustainable. However, in recent history we have taken more than our fair share, whilst putting enormous strain on the world around us.



The earth once was a healthy functioning ecosystem. In many ways ecosystems function like individual organisms. If the earth were a single organism, than all life on earth would be in symbiosis with that ecosystem. Most terrestrial life has either a commensalistic or mutualistic relationship with the planet. However, in recent history the human race has become a parasite. We are a parasite that is threatening to offset of the balance of the planetary ecosystem and potentially destroy it entirely. The planet will not let us do that. If and when cataclysmic climate change happens it is not going to be the end of the world. In the long run the world will be fine. It will be different, but it will be just fine. It is probably just going to be a world without us.

It is evident that in Flower’s final level we are at a crossroads. In the conflict between man and the place we call our home, nature time and again has turned the other cheek. It has taken beatings from us, just as the electrical towers in the latter levels of Flower harm the stream of petals when the two entities come into contact, and now nature at its breaking point.



From the outset of Flower nature was romanticized to be something entirely separate from civilization. In the common view urban development encroaches on these natural spaces, taming them for our uses, but destroying their natural beauty of the area none the less. The final level of Flower tells us otherwise. Regardless of the path we take, nature is going to bring down civilization as we know it. Tired of the abuse that nature has received from man, the steam of petals brings down the pylons. However, in the wake of the destruction of our society we have an opportunity. A question is posed to us. Why must be think ourselves separate from nature? Largely what is good for us as a species is good for our environment as a whole. Why would we bite the hand that feeds us when we can coexist and have a mutually beneficial relationship? The final level of Flower sees the destruction of modern society and the birth of a new one.

When the stream of petals destroys the old society, a new one arises from its ashes. Unlike the structures from before these ones embrace the nature around them. Society and nature are no longer two separate entities but coexisting entities as once was the case. The new buildings are vibrant and colourful. This once again reminds us that nature is the source of the colour in our lives. No matter how grand the expansive metropolises are, there is something inherent in our framework as people that longs for that paradisiacal field seen in the first moments of Flower. Perhaps that is why pull the flower from the ground, pot it, and sit it in our windowsill. Even if we must live in these massive, busy and drab cities – those flowers can be our window to nature and the colour that enriches our lives.