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11:51 AM on 05.06.2010

Does Senor Destructoid have super powers?

HELL YES HE DOES!


These are a few pictures I helped my BFF4EVA, Kurt, take for part of his photography class.
I dare your genitals not to engorge in lust after viewing such lusty material!



Also, Ryu's a pussy and my beard easily overpowers Ken


Figured I'd share these with you all because 1) they're awesome 2) Kurt's pictures are awesome and 3) I'm awesome AND sexy. pfft... you know you want my hadouken all over your face.   read


10:49 AM on 03.20.2010

Happy Birfday Niero, Destructoid

So I was going to actually try and write something up that would express my thanks of being a part of an awesome community and how much fun it's been playing with you all. (Seriously if it wasn't for you cwazy ircfolk i wouldn't even have a live account)

But then real life got in the way and decided I'd have next to no free time.. and then God of War 3 came out, sooo... ^_^'

Since I'll fail horribly at trying to sum this all up I figured I'd let the soothing sounds of Louis Armstrong express my love for you all;

[embed]168396:28431[/embed]

Things sure have changed over the 3 years I've been lurking her, some for the best in my opinion, others not so much (full page flash ads on muh homepawge?! :P) but it's been a load of fun.

Dtoid is that awesome guy you always invite to the party.
Sure they get too drunk too fast and may even say something lewd about your chick's awesome rack but in the end they're the guy that'll convince the cops to leave you alone, they'll hit on 'that chick' and take one for the team, they always bring the primo topshelf shit and make the best damned waffles and bacon in the morning.

I <3 you Dtoid, even if spooning you gives me butthurt. get it? Also, (big) cocks.   read


2:38 PM on 10.28.2009

OMIGAWD FREE STUFF!

I can't think of anything witty to day here so I'll cut to the chase. When me and the wife went to pick up Fairytale Fights we gots an extra free tshirt, see?;

Since I love you all so very, very much I figured I would spread the love by taking a nice long hot shower and then using said shirt to dry my nuts off with and then offer it up to you lucky dtoid members as an oh so glorious prize.
There will also be a secret MYSTERY PRIZE!! included as well.

The contest, if you can call it that, is simple and instructions are as follows:
By the close of Friday post an image in the comments below of anything and I mean ANYTHING that would make me laugh, cry, vomit, etc.
The ONLY, and I mean ONLY requirement is this; it must be something The Gods of Metal look upon with approval

While they are more than pleased with the heart and soul behind Brutal Legend they are, alas, unsatisfied with it's gameplay and as such demand sacrifice!
So sayeth Krahshthulhu, speaker for the Gods!

So yeah, recap funny+metalish theme=free tshirt AND A MYSTERY PRRRRIIIIIZE! (seriously, totally worth your half assed efforts since it's something you can put in yer xbawcks or pstripplez)   read


10:54 AM on 06.17.2009

Lookit muh shiny helmet!

Edit: there's no real point to this blog now thanks to that fucker BattyAndroit . Stealin' muh ideaz! I keed, I keed. He's put up a real quality entry for this kickass contest.
To be perfectly blunt I'm glad it's going to somebody that had an account BEFORE Collette had posted the contest.
Here's the rest of the post :P


So I woke up a few weeks ago and after brushing the taste of whiskey out of my mouth and changing into whatever clothes I stumbled upon I did what I usually do in the mornings; microwave myself a quick snack, check my email/rss feeds, and then meander my way through what's been goin' on in the land of the rising robot.
I stumbled across the contest that Colette had posted and thought to myself;

Holy crap! lookit that schweet computer, I bet if I put on some crazy shit and glue some brass tacks to my little sister's swimming goggles I could win that! I need to make an account and post up some shit of me FAST!

Actually that's not what I thought, that's just me being an unfunny dick right there. What I DID think was, what would Mr.Destructoid look like with a steampunkish makeover. A few sketches and some pondering later I decided that regardless of who won the only thing keeping me from making something was laziness so with the wife and kiddo away visiting her family I decided to break out the hookers and blow ... I mean the toolbox.

Anyways, this is what I came up with. The pictures are shit because the only camera I had at my disposal was my friend's iPhone. (you should all check out his music btw, it's super awesome)



The overall style I was going for was going for would be if the Rocketeer lived in the 1900s and had a vagina that was ravaged by the unholy mechanizations that is Mr.Destructoid. What would their cursed offspring look like? Would he fight crime and wonder why his dad spent all that alimony cash on sweet fedoras and liqueur instead of putting food on the table?




The detail of the paint doesn't come out at all (the wife took the camera with her up visitng family -_-)
The green you see is actually a combination of gold, two different coppers, and a green color dry brushed on to make it look like tarnished brass.



The jacket is actually a coat put together for my casual Halloween costume.


The idea was a sort of steampunk mad scientist. I blame Dr.Horrible for the inspiration.


The coat is actually quite nice. It has a high, mandarin styled collar and buckles at the cuffs and in the back for cinching. The lining is a maroon colored satin



Well that's that. I tip my hat to BattyAndroit, his entry is top notch but I'd be lying if I wasn't a bit envious, havin' a rugrat limits the amount of time you can use sharp objects and spray paint, haha.

Speaking of which; My Kid is Cute(tm)
He's off to his first job interview.
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2:36 PM on 04.27.2009

I want to believe in magic.. (shortblog is all whiney and lawbstermilkshakes)

I find myself entertaining daydreams akin to plots found in some of our favorite games, movies or books.
Some part of me, buried beneath the layers of adulthood, wishes that some cataclysmic event would yank me from the comforts of my daily routine.
Don't construe this longing for adventure as a sign of dissatisfaction, in fact the opposite is quite true. At this point in my life even amidst the challenges of being a new father I've never been happier and yet I find my thoughts drifting..

I feel as if the years spent within the macrocosm of comics, gaming and music have left me with this aspiration to become something more in ways that are limited within this world.

I spend too much time indulging these reveries and suddenly I can feel this uneasy tingling in my chest.
On cloudy days it feels like I can fly.
I want to sunder the gods and topple mountains. I want to explode and watch the world burn.
I want to get lost in a story, I want to fight bloodied against hordes of formless evils, I want to save the day.
I want to believe in magic.




Also, my kid is amazingly awesome and more cool than any of us could ever hope to be, I mean look at this badass rockin' them shades!!!
  read


2:22 PM on 02.11.2009

Video Game Characters that Confused my Penis.

In what Iím sure will be only one of many, many horrible Valentineís Day related posts I offer to you a quick list of video game characters that have made my fire flower moist with the dew of gender confusion.
These are listed in no particular arrangement other than the order in which these deviants drifted into my thoughts as I stared listlessly out the window towards some unforeseen horizon where Zangief frolics and spins just for me.. *Le Sigh*



Raiden
This Bishonen-bitch made his unforgettable debut in MGS2:Sons of Liberty gripping his gonads and cart wheeling his way into my dreams. Thereís just something about the way he uses his sword..


Alucard
This half-vamp vixen has it all; style, sex appeal, a brooding, dark attitude to match his equally dramatic past and hair that would make Fabio weep with joy if his sight wasnít blinded with blood and duck feathers. Seriously what are the chances of hitting a fucking bird while riding a rollercoaster?
Women want to be him and men want to rip off that exquisitely tailored jacked and supple leather pants.


Nights
Overly expressive eyes with that come hither grin all tucked under that tasty, purple jesterís cap. Seriously, who hasnít thought of jumping behind Nights and grabbing a hold of those things like they were reins and riding this androgynous stallion off into sunset?
More like NiGHTS into WET-Dreams, Ďmirite?


Flea
Okay this one is a bit obvious but aside from the oddities like Buck Angel, how many other people were able to make the post op look so confusingly good?


Poison
Junk tucked in the Trunk, need I say more? Poison is curvy queen thatís got nice lady lumps in almost all the right places..


Quina Quen
Who else spent those long hours leveling up wondering if youíd ever see if there was a muffin to go with that hat? Seriously with a tongue that makes Gene Simmons feel inadequate itís hard to imagine thisÖthing dateless on a Saturday night.


Bridget
Yup, I had to include everybodyís favorite underage jailbait. I like to think that in a nightclub somewhere on the streets of rage, amidst flashing lights and the repetitive pounding of bass the tranny-torch was passed on to this saucy little nun.   read


3:49 PM on 02.03.2009

10 late things that's totally old about Krahshthulhu

10 things? There's only one thing you need to know;

I WILL rape you and tentacles WILL be involved.


I'm late to the game on this because I spent the majority of the weekend in a haze fueled by whiskey, rockband and ice cream cake.

Here goes;

10) Yes that IS me in the picture, and again YES tentacle sodomy is but one of the many powers I have at my disposal. It's actually from a camping trip with family and friends. We thought it'd be fun to take silly picture using flashlights and an iphone. I was only moderately tipsy so I can't really blame this on alcohol. I'm just that fucking weird.

9) I love creative writing but am too lazy to do anything with it.
Lazyness and being selfish with the small amount of free time I have are the ONLY things keeping me from blogging more often. I'll set goals only to see them shrugged off by not wanting to sit in front of the computer another hour or so when I home. That and I feel like what I'd contribute would fall under tl;dr or just plain boring.
I think it's mainly because I'm a strong believer that unless you have something nice/interesting to say than don't say anything at all. ...unless it happens to be as funny as it is cruel.

8) I consider myself a musician..
Even though I haven't preformed anything in years. I started playing music at an early age, around grade 3, and began performing a few years after. My first "real" band was a punk group that went on to play around the city, state, and all through the mid-west. It got to the point where after a long talk with my parents I was able to take leave of public school my freshman and sophomore years to focus on music. Aside from the fights I seemed to get dragged into it was some of the best years of my life.

7) I love gaming in all it's forms.
I think it has something to do with the atmosphere created when we as adults are able to tap into that feeling of unfiltered, unbridled fun we associate with being little.
The feeling of camaraderie I get when playing with my wife and friends is so tangible to me that I think it would be a viable dorm of sustenance.

6) Ever since I was a little kid I knew I wanted to be a family man.
I believe that regardless of what you achieve, great or small, some of THE most important things a man can do are what he does in the role of husband and father.
Funny thing, when I stepped into those shoes, I was as scared as happy. All you can think about is wanting to do your best without screwing up and so far I think I've done a decent job, hah. okay, on to number 5 before I get all mushy and lose my street cred with IRC :P

5) I am a complete whore for the Travel Channel and Three Sheets.
If I ever went back to school it would probably be for Anthropology. I think we live on an amazing planet and would love to see more of it. I am enamored with learning more about other cultures and I often spend more time than I care to admit pipedreaming about how I'd have my own show loosely related to gaming. I'd travel the world learning the pastimes of different cultures and how they relate to modern games/sport.

4) I FREAKING LOVE CHOCOLATE MALTS.
Whoppers, ice cream, doesn't matter. It's the best damned flavor known to man. That and Mamba. Mamba is the shit, raspberry especially. (I miss you, Arson)

3) I love anything that glows in the dark.
I mean ANYTHING. It's some sort of fetish I've had ever since I was given a pack of those glow in the dark stars you can put on your ceiling. Doesn't matter what it is, if you give me something glow in the dark you're my friend.

2) I love good tattoos
and the only reason I don't have more is I refuse to settle as far as quality goes. I've had a thing for them ever since first being exposed to them as a kid. The only reason I can give is that I vaguely remember associating the idea of a tattoo being something akin to a comic book on your arm and that struck me as the most amazing thing ever.

1) I have never beaten the original Super Mario Brothers.
I was too busy playing duckhunt to finish the game.
/me puts on the fire retardant clothing to prepare for the onslaught of flames.   read


8:45 AM on 01.09.2009

RRRAAGE! a msg from your IT staff.

A haiku inspired by true events.

"Help! I can't log in!!
Oh my gawd, i've been haxzord!!"
No...just press caps lock.



Sadly, this scenario plays out almost weekly for myself and my staff.
To any of you "non-technical" ppl out there, don't worry, the IT department is there to fix everything, that's our job BUT a calm and polite attitude is something we appreciate.
It's much better than saaaayyyy... throwing yourself into a panic, yelling at us over the phone and then acting like a complete douche when you're embarrassed because your fat, sausage like fingers plopped down over the caps-lock key when typing in your oh-so secret password "mister-tinkles."
Yes I know it's the name of your cat, and no I don't think it's cute at all. in fact... just stop talking. ..now. Please.
..I bet I could bludgeon you to death with one of the many craptastic precious moments figurines you have littered about your desk.
[embed]117392:16855[/embed]


I happen to like my job and really don't mind helping you but by the beard of Zeus! try to have some patience and understanding when describing your problem.
I don't want to be "that guy"

But if civility is something you can't grasp then perhaps I can convince you to be mindful of the fact that at any given moment it strikes my fancy I can read your email, browse your hard drive, disconnect your phone, check your voice mail and suspend your cell.
I will open the 8th gate of |-| 3 1 1 and set loose the ancient *NIX beasts whos names we dare not speak aloud and with seething hatred of your forwarded emails they will shatter the very foundation of your inbox.
May the curse of forced updates and system restarts haunt your days and plague you with dreams so perilous.

The path of the righteous Admin is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the impatient and the tyranny of Weatherbug. Blessed is he, who in the name of security and good call resolution, shepherds the weak through the valley of Vista, for he is truly his user's keeper and the finder of lost email.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my pr0n archive. And you will know my name is the All-mighty Sysadmin when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

I'm dizzy now.. and I think I smell toast.
I'm gonna go lay down.


p.s. And as always, My Kid's Cute;
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8:44 AM on 12.24.2008

A L4D Christmas! (shortblog)

Not too sure how many people read VG Cats but if you don't, shame on you! SHAAAAAME!!
Anyways, this made me laugh so hard that I coughed up something that looked like a chicken embryo (go-go ssinus infections!) and I figured I should share.

Merryhappy Kwanzmasunakah, dtoid!!

  read


6:24 PM on 12.17.2008

Sonic, is that you?! omgrapemuhface! (NVGR)

When I miss putting the trash out for pickup in the mornings i'll stash it on the back "porch" and take it to the dumpster in the evening when I get back.
Well for a few nights the wife has claimed that "there's something out there!" hiding under the grill cover perhaps.
I told her it's probably a cat.

No... no, it's NOT.





The little bastard is ballsy too, just making noise and turning the lights on wont scare his ass off. He just looked up at us like "Whatchyoo gon' doo, crackah?!"
Under the advisement of Cataract I WAS going to spray it with water in order to avoid rabid face raping since hitting it will evidently prove futile. Though, before I could act the wife had sprayed it with Windex.
If he comes back I think I'll try to tame him..

Also, my kid is cute.
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5:02 PM on 12.12.2008

A Mario Kart love song. (shortblog but catchy song!)

Well some of you might know about my affinity for MarioKart: DoubleDash some might not, either way I had to share;

yeah, it's "old" but still good so stfu and enjoy the song.
HappyFriday, Dtoid!
[/shortblog]

[embed]114554:16366[/embed]   read


11:31 AM on 10.29.2008

Mr.Sacktoid! Mr.Destructoid and the Dark Knight's Joker in LBP

This would've been another WTF Wednesday's Lunchtime Lulz but I actually have something semi-constructive to share!

I've been going through Little Big Planet's tutorials on and off since we picked it up Saturday and am still not done with them. I blame it on some sort of ADD when it comes to making outfits for sackboy.
Well since I can't announce that my "Ride the Weenkie Lollercoaster" level is complete I'll instead show you my latest distractions.
Gentlemen, BEHOLD!!



I'll admit Mr.Destructoid needs a bit of work but I put him together rather fast.

But I think I made up for it by making the Joker's jacket and vest super sweet! :P







Hope you enjoyed staring at my sackboys and as always have a happy HumpDay fellow robots.   read


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