March was supposed to be the next step in my life. My plans for the last two years were to move out and begin anew. I wasn’t worried or scared or even doubting anything. I knew I had to leave my home and get a fresh perspective on everything.

Then the inevitable realization struck me that I am a colossal failure. What did I honestly think would happen in my life? How did I expect anyone to hire me without some kind of degree? I really don’t know what to say.

Over the past three weeks, I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am (possibly indefinitely) putting my life on hold. To get a better head start on a potential move, I will be returning to school and getting a degree in a field I should have always pursued.

What does this have to do with my blog, though? Well, for starters, I realize that gaming is practically controlling me. In the last two months, I have beaten 21 different games. A few of those were epic length RPGs and I even managed to tackle five different games two or three times. I clearly am intent with wasting my life away.

I have also noticed that my viewpoint on practically everything has become cynical and twisted. My demeanor has decreased beyond reason, I have fallen to an all time low with my depression and I feel like nothing will ever be accomplished. I also happen to hate just about everything my family enjoys.

Even just yesterday, my sister made a passing comment about some idiotic song and I lashed at her. It was not a personal jab, but you wouldn’t have been able to tell from the tone in my voice. It just seems everything that the people around me enjoy is total garbage to me.

Just last week the PS4 was announced and my only thoughts were, “Wow, that sounds ridiculous.” The only positive thing I could think of was that PC ports wouldn’t be total garbage now, but that just bleeds into some elitist opinion I hold about my platform of choice.

I can read it in my comments on Destructoid, too. Almost everything is negative. I have hardly anything positive to say about modern gaming and the people who enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with people enjoying things I dislike, but for some reason my personal attitude won’t allow me to be seen as wrong.

I have always wanted to command authority through my writing. Being a critic and having final judgement in a movie or game was a dream of mine; “was” is the keyword there. From this day forward, I have officially finished with any kind of professional writing.

I just hate the prospect of journalism and everything it stands for. From seeing innocent life exploited for cheap magazine covers to gaming coverage that lacks legitimacy or integrity, I have finally figured out that I am not cut out to be a writer. I am not ruthless enough.

Maybe that’s the whole reason why I’m becoming more angry and scornful? I cannot say for certain, but I know that I am just gradually turning evil. My shallow, isolated life is getting to me and I don’t want anyone else to feel my wrath. Sadly, I can’t save my own family.

So I’ll just end this by saying goodluck to anybody who reads this. If you’re looking for a perfect example of what not to do with your own writing, just check out my past blogs. I started off with a bang and even produced some quality stuff over the years, but I’ve fallen hard. Nothing I do or say will ever mean anything again.

Sorry for wasting anyone’s time, but hopefully I was able to help you in the past.

Sexy and video games are just two things that seem to fail together. I cannot claim that I haven’t been aroused by a digital temptress, but more often than not, sexy in gaming just falls flat. For the worst possible example of it, look no further than “Heavy Rain.”

Regardless of my disdain for the aforementioned title, I find myself turned on by the ideas and thoughts present in gaming more than the physical characters. The reason for this is that I tend to shift a character’s abilities on to people I know in real life.

I recently began playing “The Last Story.” I’ll save my criticism of that for another day. Still, one character in particular has captured my interest. One of your party members is a foul mouthed, loud, angry, drunken, strong, bisexual woman by the name of Syrenne (Seiren in the original Japanese script). These traits epitomize the last girl I thought I was in love with.

As I play through the game more, I keep thinking of that girl. Syrenne comes on the screen and I’m mesmerized by the positive thoughts I had with this girl. I feel sorry for hurting her and want to reverse my misdeeds simply because I realize how wonderfully charming she is. I’m aroused by her and its all thanks to this damn game!

But the game itself is not really doing anything to be “sexy” to me. Sure, Syrenne is fairly attractive and is obviously dressed in such a manner to appeal to horny imbeciles like me, but she also has a personality that is incredibly realistic. Now if only she played video games and had brown hair, the transformation would be complete.


She's the one on the left...

Another game I finished late last year, “Lollipop Chainsaw,” starred a young, beautiful, quirky, blonde bombshell of a character that had a punk charm and some strong verbal skills. Well, I happened to work with someone like that for the better portion of two years.

Sure, I saw the short skirt, the ridiculous excuse for a bra and the vivacious and limber moveset, but I wasn’t picturing Juliet Starling. No, that wonderful girl from work was where my mind drifted. Why would I want pixels (despite how tempting they are) when the real thing was mere feet away from me?

As far as situations go, I don’t think video games have really nailed it yet. The most effecting women in games for me are the ones written with pure fantasy in mind; the romance that blossoms in a fairytale manner or where the guy gets the girl after many trials and tribulations.

Film just gives a much more realistic look at interpersonal relationships. I hate to say that, but the quality of storytelling in gaming just isn’t on the same level. To me, games are much better at tackling the atrocities of war or giving players a sense of adventure and meaning. Film and literature is better at capturing love and introspective thoughts.

My honest to goodness favorite romance in a game has to be between Link and Ilia in “Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.” Link never utters a word and Ilia is never portrayed as anything vulgar or mean. The game focuses more on her attention to Link and how his strength pulls them through. There is even a scene in the game that humanizes Link by tempting him with dark power.



It certainly isn’t as strong as the bond that “Ico” forms or even as emotional as many of the Final Fantasy relationships, but the thread between Link and Ilia is so pure and simple. It just makes me happy seeing them together.

I can’t say that video games lack the ability to be sexy. Any form of media can take a sexual idea and spin it into a sexual fantasy that tantalizes the right mind. For me, though, I want my sexual visions to be more realistic. I’m still a virgin and I’m pretty much set on the path to being alone. If I keep myself in pure fantasy land, I’m never going to switch roads into reality.

Sadly, I view almost everything through idealized lenses. I have no doubt that at one point in my life video games will be the only thing that I find sexy. It doesn’t help that more and more games are beginning to explore sex in a more realistic and mature fashion. Sure, something like “Seduce Me” may be a stupid little point and click, but it definitely doesn’t tackle sex with a pre-teen kind of view.

We’re also starting to me a surge of women in the games industry taking the reigns behind projects and lending their own voices and values to scripts. I fully believe that female characters in the not so distant future will be properly written and wholly attractive.

As gaming stands now, though, I do not find it particularly sexy. I have more respect for sexual content in gaming now than I ever used to, but I still honestly just do not get it (both literally and figuratively).

So, that “Spec Ops: The Line” was quite the game, right?........Right?.......Ugh, sometimes I hate being me.



Just the other day, I finished my journey through Dubai in what seems to be record time; 5 hours. I played on the hardest default setting, otherwise known as Suicide Mission. This game was far from that.

While I found the narrative very ambitious and intriguing, “Spec Ops: The Line” seems to run at breakneck speed through all of its high points. I mean, in the first hour alone, I conquered 5 of the games 15 chapters. They get considerably longer after that point, but I hadn’t even realized how little time I had spent.

I have no problem with games being short, but I just feel a little short changed here. This game was touted as having a very deep and complex narrative and most of the anecdotes I’ve heard from gamers are how affecting they felt the games “decision” scenes were. I saw them so close together; I don’t even know how the hell I’m supposed to think.

This contrasts with “Hotline Miami,” another game that brings up questions of violence and does so in an even shorter time span than Spec Ops. I managed to plunk through that little gem in about 3 and a half hours, but the pacing worked much better.

Some missions gave some breathing room in terms of combat and there was even a break from the constant murder for a stealth mission (even if that level was a little crappy). Hotline wasn’t a constant bloodbath and it worked to make me more interested in the combat and plotline.



Spec Ops, though, doesn’t give you a single minute to reflect on anything. Even the cutscenes aren’t that long, with the longest probably being around 6 minutes. You simply deal with a firefight, walk to the next room and repeat. When a decision comes up, you make it in a snap fashion and then proceed to shoot some more.

I can’t say I was disappointed with the game (and I got it for dirt cheap, so how could I truly be?), but I feel like it would have been a greater story if I was just given more time to explore it. Let me sink in the details of the game’s world, let me reflect on my awful actions and give me periods that help build character instead of pushing me directly into the action.

One of the best moments in “Uncharted 2” comes during chapter 16. After practically non-stop action, Drake finds himself stranded in Nepal. The only task for the chapter is to walk around and soak in the sights. This gives you ample time to think about how you arrived at this location and reflect on what Drake has gone through.

NaughtyDog understood that packing a game with minute to minute firefights would sully the experience and leave the gamer wishing for a break. While you don’t want to have too much time dedicated to simply doing nothing, even just the smallest amount of leisure or padding can create a sense of relieve and a desire to continue.

For all the flack the Zelda series may get for sidequests and lack of innovation, the padding in that series really drives home the desire to press on. The early games in the series (namely Zelda 1 and 2) suffer because there is nothing else to do. You simply proceed with quest or you don’t play the game. Without any break of alternate activity, the quest feels longwinded (even being only an hour!).


This is completely related to saving the Princess...trust me!

So honestly, while I won’t deem a game of lower quality because it’s short, some titles need extra game time to justify their existence. I can’t sit here and whole-heartedly recommend “Spec Ops: The Line” because I feel like it’s incomplete. It’s too damn short and leaves too much unexplained.

If I only simply had more time to feel the anguish that Captain Martin Walker was going through, maybe I’d be in love with the game. As it stands, it’s a very ambitious experiment, but one that ultimately doesn’t feel as impactful due to a sense of being rushed.

Inspired by Magnalon and his constant destruction of entire game series, I’ve decided to finally jump in the fray and represent a series that is often overlooked: Professor Layton. You probably wouldn’t expect someone like me to enjoy Layton games (I often go for shooters), but I’ve been smitten with the series for awhile now.

Sadly, though, I’ve only ever finished 1 game. I own all 4 DS titles and will be acquiring the 3DS sequel in short order. Still, what better way to send off the year then by beating a game that has become a Christmas tradition for me?

Why Professor Layton?

Why Layton at this point in the year? Quite honestly, I lost power a few days ago and just turned on my 3DS. I had left the games out on my desk as a reminder to eventually finish them, but nothing spurred me toward my quest.

I’ve done every Zelda last year, all three Deus Ex games, the 3 main entry Quake games with their expansions and a crap ton of Mario games this year: why was Layton eluding me? I really cannot say.

So while I don’t really have a clear motive on why Layton finally got lucky, I just know that I’m happy to be playing them after having the games hang around my house. I always felt bad since I asked my mom to get them for me and just let them sit around.

See, as I’ve become older, I’ve demanded that my mother stop lavishing me with gifts and boil it down to a single thing each year. For Christmas, since Layton happens to release later in the year, I just ask her to grab me that.

Thankfully I’ve been able to pay it forward this year as I currently have money. My mom is now the proud owner of a red 3DS XL and it’s all thanks to me! I hope that’s one of the best birthday’s she’s ever had; living with me is a nightmare unto itself.



Professor Layton And the Curious Village [Nintendo DS – Owned]

COMPLETED

I actually did manage to beat this one when it originally launched. I was studying in Florida to become a Chemist (hahahaha) and I was having troubles with my “friends” at the time. While I’ve come to miss them, they definitely weren’t offering words of advice with my depression or school work.

Regardless, I was able to shut myself away in my dorm and power through some puzzles. The first thing I remember about Layton, though, are the FMVs. I was blown away at how good looking those cutscenes were in the DS screen. How did Level-5 even manage to compress these videos down so well?

Then comes the puzzles. There are just so many of them (130 to be exact). I took this game with me everyone. In class, over to friend’s houses, out to eat; I couldn’t be separated from it. It was fun having some of my friends come up with solutions with me and us all being completely wrong.

As I replayed it, I missed a lot of that community element, but I really got sucked up in the story again. I love a good mystery and Layton certainly provides that. The characters aren’t insanely deep, but they do provide chuckles. I still laugh at how stupid Luke sounds saying Professor.

I managed to beat the game in about half of my previous time, too. I am going by the save file, but 11 hours and 30 minutes was knocked down to 6 hours flat. That’s not too bad!



Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box [Nintendo DS – Owned]

COMPLETED

I really prefer the Japanese name to this (Pandora’s Box!), but Diabolical also sounds pretty intimidating. Now, I have actually played this, but I never managed to finish it. At the time in my life when the game came out, I just couldn’t muster up the strength to sit through a DS title.

That usually happens to me at the end of a console’s life-span. When Shadow of the Colossus originally came out, I wouldn’t be caught dead playing it as I was ready to move onto the 360. PS2 was a distant memory for me.

I’ve since changed my views on that matter, but obviously not before this Layton game came out. What do I remember about the short span I played? Well…the graphics were nicer. It also took place at night!

I was having fun with it, but I think I just got stumped somewhere and turned it off. I was heading to my uncle’s house for Christmas dinner, I believe, and my aunt was terribly ill at the time. I didn’t want to waste any precious seconds playing some game when she was so close to death.

EXTENDED THOUGHTS

Just….wow. I really missed a damn good game. Strange thing is, though, my save file was actually around 70% done. I had sunk 6 hours and 48 minutes into the game with around 68 puzzles solved. Holy shit! I remembered a fair chunk of them, too.

For starters, the presentation is just ace. The cutscenes come back with a vengeance and are much better. The lip synching is tighter and the animation is just stronger. There are also some text segments that are fully voiced and it’s just much easier to get sucked into the plot.

The plot is also a bit more heartwarming. I am not afraid to admit this, but I shed a few tears at the end. I was just so overwhelmed with the realization that comes during the conclusion. Makes you think about your own life, too.

Gameplay wise, though, this one is strong and weak. For starters, there is much better variety in the puzzles. You’re almost always doing something new and exciting and most of them actually have something to do with the plot. Most, I must mention.

While the game boasts around 153 puzzles, I think that number isn’t quite right. One puzzle about mid-way through the game tasks you with moving a chess piece around a board and hitting each square once. You then do this again…and again….and again.

There also happen to be a few more puzzles that each have 4 levels. Claiming to contain over 150 puzzles is kind of false when you just come up with one idea and repeat it with variations.

Still, I actually like this one more than the first game. It’s story is stronger and the length is pretty damn good (took me about 10 and a half hours!). Just like in the first title, there are DLC puzzles and a crap ton of unlockables, so I’d recommend this to everyone.



Professor Layton and the Unwound Future [Nintendo DS – Owned]

COMPLETED

I know the name is different in Japan again…That’s honestly it. I have not the faintest idea of what this game entails. It follows Luke and Layton solving puzzles. Sounds fine to me.

I’ve heard reviews claim it’s the best of the first trilogy of titles. Apparently the puzzles really come together or something. I’m not quite sure. I just know that if it has another great story, then I’m game to waste countless hours on it.

Oh, as the box informs me, there are at least 165 puzzles. We’ve effectively added half another game on top of the original.

EXTENDED THOUGHTS

So, I’m a bit indifferent. This was a great game with a long playtime (about 12 hours!) and I was blown away at the story in parts, but there is just something off. It doesn’t feel like the soul of a Layton game is there. Everything gets so larger than life that I’m not sure what to think.

We have time travel coming into the equation (even though that later gets debunked…and then reinstated) and there are an insane amount of FMVs peppered throughout the story. The plus side is that there is also more voice acting during the text sections.

The polish is just through the roof and there are some very clever ideas that integrate puzzles directly into the story. There also happens to be crap where you’ll look at a flight of stairs and Layton will say, “This reminds me of a puzzle.”

At the same time, I was just more interested in seeing the plotline finish then actually tackling most of the puzzles. I just love the acting and writing, even if this story falters a bit, so I think that’s probably a negative to people who enjoy the puzzles more. Now I understand how a Layton movie would work out.

Regardless, this was a very good game. I’m not sorry I played it and it’s probably my favorite of the first three, but there definitely seems to be a small drop in overall cohesion. Whereas the first two games kept things quick and often made puzzles feel organic, this one just throws everything and the kitchen sink into the mix.

I mean, how many games have you played where two London’s exist at once and one gets decimated? Yeah…I can’t name a single one. I did shed tears at the end, though. So it’s definitely powerful under the right circumstances.



Professor Layton and the Last Specter [Nintendo DS – Owned]

COMPLETED

While I know nothing of the main game, I do know that this DS entry comes with an Animal Crossing style mini-game called “London Life.” That sounds pretty killer to me. I doubt it has “100 hours” of content, but I could see myself wasting time with it until “Animal Crossing: New Leaf” comes out.

Regardless, I’ve heard this entry is fairly lackluster in terms of what Layton is. There are puzzles abound, but they never push farther than the other 3 games. It’s like a retreading of ideas (something Nintendo is glorious at!).

I do know that, canonically speaking, this is a prequel to the entire series. This game details the first time that Layton met his apprentice, Luke. I suppose that makes sense as the two seem acquainted during the beginning of Curious Village. Whatever, I just want more puzzles.

EXTENDED THOUGHTS

Well, it’s not my favorite in the series, but “The Last Specter” is a very solid game. Like I mentioned with the last game, though, I’m far more interested in the plot line. This game tones down the main puzzles, though, giving you more extras instead of just bloating the campaign with needless padding.

The ending is completely amazing, though. While pretty much none of the puzzles flow directly with the plot, the ending has a series of 8 puzzles that all deal with exactly what’s going on. It’s very thrilling.

There’s even a section where you get to play as Layton’s new assistant, Emmy. I find it strange that a third character in introduced in the prequel trilogy and never mentioned in the original games, but she’s actually not so bad.

There’s almost an over abundance of cutscenes, though. I definitely love them, but considering the plot is shorter (Only 11 hours this time), it seems like practically half of it is spent watching.

Most of the puzzles are also incredibly safe. What I mean is, there aren’t a whole lot of fresh ideas presented during the course of the new mystery. Lots of slider puzzles, marble jumping and a cool little pseudo-puzzle story wrap-up thing. Still, nothing 100% fresh.

Whatever the flaws are, I did like this game. The Layton stories are very well written, even if they are completely far fetched at this point. I’m eager to see what the movie holds, since I’m far more invested in the character of Layton instead of his actual puzzles.

Oh, and London Life is boring. It’s Animal Crossing without the funny, circle shaped people.



Professor Layton and the Eternal Diva [DVD, Blu-Ray]

This is the first film in the series. While I technically can’t play it, I would like to watch it to get a full understanding of the series story. The movie is a flashback that takes place after the events of Last Specter. The flashback occurs during the downtime between Curious Village and Diabolical Box…That honestly makes no sense.

Honestly, why bother with this? Well, I love the animation in the FMVs, so I’m sure there will be something I can enjoy out of this film. I’ve heard that it’s actually quite good, so why can the harm be? I really can’t fathom how puzzle solving works as a film, though.

EXTENDED THOUGHTS

...WATCHED?..

Hm…..I don’t really know what to say. I’ve been more interested in the plot lines of Layton games for the last few and then this movie failed to produce a decent plot. Like most anime video game adaptations, the script focuses too much on including every character without actually understanding why they work.

One character from the prequel trilogy, Inspector Grosky, does absolutely nothing with the narrative other than provide his famous line, “I AM GROSKY OF THE YARD!” It’s infuriating. Emmy, too, has no relevance in this movie, despite being introduced and fleshed out fairly well in the “Last Specter.”

Even with these problems, though, the film is an okay watch. As far as game to movie adaptations, I’d say this is easily the best. The humor is lighthearted, the film has some fun action scenes and the integration of puzzles into a different medium works very well.

The animation is also exceptionally beautiful. I was awestruck at how the Layton universe looks in fullscreen HD. I really would like Level-5 to develop something for the Wii U, now!

Particular mention needs to go to the soundtrack, as well. All of the themes are done by a full orchestra and they sound wonderful. It’s great hearing the tunebox theme and even the puzzle time theme come to life. The main theme is used far too often, but it is very loud, bombastic and high octane, so I’ll let it slide.

So, would I recommend this to the casual anime fan? Eh, not really. The film, on its own merits, isn’t worth a watch. For those interested in Layton, I’d almost say to skip it, too. But, just seeing Layton in a full movie and gasping at the animation can provide some joy to viewers.

So, whatever. Take the good, take the bad, put it together…blah blah. Not too bad.



Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask [Nintendo 3DS]

COMPLETED

The first 3D entry in the series and a launch title in Japan for the 3DS, Miracle Mask is supposed to be a…fairly typical Layton game. Oh well. I’ve heard that regardless of how comfortable this title is with the series legacy, it does make for some quality entertainment.

I’m not sure how I feel about the characters finally being rendered in 3D, but I don’t really have much to complain about. If the only detractor is that the graphics look weird, then I think I’ll be okay.

I do also know that this game had a full year of DLC. That’s right, some crazy bullshit like THQ promised with Saints Row, but for free and actually decent! Since the game has only been out for a week or so, I think only 14-21 puzzles are available in the US. By the time I get to this game, hopefully there will be a sizeable amount for me to comment on.

EXTENDED THOUGHTS

I don’t know why people called this a typical Layton game. For starters, it’s the first game in the series to not focus solely on puzzles. There is an extended sequence that plays out similar to Zelda and it’s amazing.

Also, the changes made to the way one interacts with the world are incredibly welcome. While I don’t mind the old games, it was frustrating to be looking for hint coins and just tapping everything imaginable. Now you can simply scroll over items of interest and a little magnifying glass will highlight if you can click there.

Also, the graphics are incredible. With the 3D effect on, this game just pops off the screen. The colors are vibrant, the added depth makes the world feel huge and alive and the character models (now in place of the old sprites) animate like Wind Waker. It’s wonderful.

The variety in the puzzles is also stepped up, which is surprising considering there are less puzzles here than every game since the first. You do get a few repeats (I guess making cats and penguins jump is just too good to pass up), but for the most part, every puzzle is unique.

The story is also very touching, delving into a time when Layton was younger and dealing with the passing of close friends. I cried again, but considering how depressing this series tends to be getting, I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I’m really not sure why Layton hasn’t killed himself or how he remains so jovial.

So, I’d say this one is close to the top of the list. If I had to rank the games, I’d go: Unwound, Miracle, Diabolical, Spector and Curious. Funny, seeing as how the only game I’ve finished twice is Curious Village.



So while Layton isn’t exactly the biggest hitter that Nintendo has up its sleeve, I’ve been a fan of the series for years now. It’s sad that I’ve actually only completed 1 game, but that will soon change. Since no one seems to give this series any coverage, I’ll be the harbinger of progress for Destructoid!

Hopefully I’ve gotten a few of you to pick up your DS’ and get cracking on some mind benders! If not, then at least you’ve read my thoughts on this wonderful little series.

I have a problem and it all relates to achievements. See, I let achievements get the best of me. Throughout the course of my ownership of an Xbox 360, I was a slave to the achievement system. I spent countless hours driving myself insane to acquire some ridiculous feats that most people don’t even give a shit about.

But obviously that can’t be the guilt I’m admitting to. Most people would be proud to say they earned some difficult and rare achievement. Yeah, I would be a part of that club if I didn’t resort to cheating.

I hate to have to type that, but I actually became an achievement hacker around two years ago. I learned of a few programs that allowed me to manipulate my gamerscore and I went on a rampage. While I wasn’t completely stupid about the process, obviously I didn’t cover my tracks well enough.

While I should have been dismayed to learn that my account has been branded with the “cheater” label and had all the achievements removed, I’m actually relieved a bit. For a long time, I’ve been trying to get myself away from the whole achievement game. I’ve ruined some good experiences this generation simply because I needed to do “everything” in a title.

When I played the first Assassin’s Creed, I should have given up on it after a few hours. I was bored, angry and I couldn’t stand the combat. I kept going, though, just because I knew I would be able to get the full 1,000 gamerscore. It was the first game I achieved everything in.

Next would be Call of Duty 4, and that leads me to yet another sad discovery. I honestly cannot brag about some of the truly hard achievements I’ve earned. Who the hell is going to believe me, now?

That is when the realization of the gaming community turning its back to my gamertag struck me. I fucked up my connection to all of you guys. I let a stupid point system come between my connection with games and the people who play them.

How can I ever dream to become a gaming journalist if I can’t even play games? Why would anyone want to take my word on titles if I’d rather just cheat my damn way through the game? Why did I do something so stupid?

Well, the main reason I cheated the system was because of my own poor self-image. I couldn’t live with the fact that I wasn’t able to complete a game. I’m not even talking about finishing a campaign mode, because I don’t even give a shit about that. I just mean the stupid achievements!

To think that these pointless merits stopped me from enjoying games for myself boggles my mind. On PS3 and PC, I’m perfectly fine with just playing a title and putting it to rest. Hell, my favorite system is the Wii and that doesn’t even have an achievement system!

Another reason was because I simply wanted to see how far I could take this. Microsoft has been constantly disappointing me with their insistence on becoming an “entertainment” company instead of a game developer. The start of this generation had them focusing on pure games and I was in bliss.

Still, that is a sad excuse for what is ultimately all my fault. If I had better self-control or any sense of respect for myself, I wouldn’t have given into temptation so easily. There is no justification for the actions I did and I am truly regretful.

I’m not filled with remorse over the loss of my achievements, though. I’m sad because I will never be able to voice myself to you guys again. My opinions are null and void when all I would rather do is boost my gamerscore.

If you guys can find it in your hearts to forgive me, I’d be grateful, but I don’t see how that will change anything. I’m a rotten cheater and all of my previous gaming accomplishments mean nothing. I can beast a Call of Duty game on Veteran, but why should anyone believe me?

All of this reading through previous work has shown me one thing about myself: I can definitely write. I’m still suffering from a lack of inspiration, though. While I’m not particularly feeling bad about myself at the moment, I know that my emotions fleet a lot and that I’m having a tough time remaining positive about everything.

Regardless, I’m hopeful for the future and what it holds. I may not be what I wanted six years ago, but I think all of the flaws I have helped define me. I took such shitty jobs because I never wanted to feel like I was better than anyone else. I drink alcohol so that I’m not constantly acting like I’m smarter than anyone else.

I hate that my personality gives me a feeling of self-righteousness, but I do like that I’m willing to help others. Maybe that help is all for my own ego, but it still gives other people peace….I think I got off topic.

Regardless, since I started a multi-part piece, I suppose I have to finish it. This poem kind of sucks and is incredibly depressing, but I think giving the context will help flesh me out some more.

I wrote this poem around 2004, during the dark time of high school. I’ll spare you more self-pity and describe a moment that actually made me feel quite good. I volunteered at a local library practically everyday during that summer and I eventually got myself a job. While it failed, I’ve definitely become a much better worker because of that stain.

Still, the teen center at the library was holding some open mic readings for aspiring young poets. Being the headstrong fool I was, I volunteered to read this poem to a room full of people. With my hands shaking and legs getting numb, I stumbled up to the podium and read this little monster to everyone.



Alone I feel,

Pressed with fear,

Staring down demons,

Who shudder in my ear,

And all by my lonesome,

Where I can’t fight the beasts,

Do I live eternally,

Without any belief.



Each new day,

Brings another hate,

Directed towards myself,

And inward to my spirit,

Where I fear the future,

And despise the past,

Where I lose my mentality,

And ignore my flak.



How can I find my way out,

Of all this hate,

Where minds are destroyed

And creatures run irate,

Do I require more help,

From the people outside,

Or do I need myself,

To hold onto my pride?



For all the good I do,

That goes unappreciated,

I feel ambivalent,

And self deprecated,

For I never understand,

How I don’t receive thanks,

And I never understand,

How I can’t just ameliorate.



So forget my world,

For it means nothing to me,

Forget my desires,

And forget my dreams,

I can live without life,

And breathe without mean,

I can ignore myself,

And forget my self esteem.



Much to my surprise, the audience didn’t laugh at me or ridicule my work. They clapped. They were happy I was willing to share such a dark and self-loathing piece. They worried about my life and it was pretty strong to have people who never met me actually care.

I’ve forgotten that people care. While I’m constantly at work and never fulfilling any aspirations, I believe that my life has just become too common for me to really spring into action.

That is why I said I am hopeful for the future. By the end of the year, I’m planning on finally moving out of my house and to another state. I want a fresh start on life and really hope that I can discover the real me.

So was the initial goal of this series of blogs achieved? Well….no. I can’t say that re-reading my previous thoughts has inspired me to do anything new. I will say that all of this self-pity has taught me something: other people matter.

As I read through the community blogs on Screwattack and Destructoid, I notice that other aspiring writers are having the same difficulties as I am. They aren’t giving up, though. They are putting out fantastic work that deserves recognition.

I’ve had my time in the spotlight on both sites. I’ve been featured on the front page numerous times and gotten people to realize I exist. I just never thanked them for doing that.

So instead of wallowing in hatred and misery, I’m going to help bring attention to the blogs I like. There is nothing that would bring warmth to my heart more than having other aspiring writers get noticed.

From here on out, until I can come up with something truly unique and creative, I’m going to highlight the blogs that really make me think/laugh/smile/cry/boil with anger. Anything written well or with mind-boggling ideas will get my attention.

Be that attention on Twitter, Facebook or even in these community blogs is of no concern to me. As long as people are reading and I’m allowing others to garner attention, I will feel accomplished.