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E for Effort: Kotaku - Destructoid

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Kibs
12:14 AM on 04.24.2010



I'm aware this isn't a game, but fuck if I care.

For some time now I've been a member of the d-toid community, not a very active one, but an avid fan of the site. It wasn't always like that, back around a year ago I tried to ease my way into the Kotaku (that will hereby be referred to as "those motherfuckers") community. I tried my best to write well-formed, intelligent comments. The only problem I had with the commenting system was that my comments always needed to be approved by someone. This wasn't a big problem, I figured "they're a big site, they probably get a lot of spam", but the more and more I tried to comment, the more and more I realized the underlying problem. I simply wasn't commenting "right".

Before we get into the really bad stuff, let's talk about the normally bad stuff:
For the longest time I'd been trying to do that "audition" thing those motherfuckers say you have to do to be able to comment, the only problem is that it's never made clear what that was, and how you go about it. From what I understand at this point it involves removing the part of your brain that disagrees with those motherfuckers and something about drinking the blood of a goat.



Now Here's where things get sticky. I eventually got fed up with trying to audition for those motherfuckers (those goats run fast), and I tried my hand at IMing their Japanese Correspondent, Brian Ashcraft (hereby referred to as "Douchey McFaggerson"). I contacted Mr. McFaggerson asking him about the lobotomy and goats blood, he asked me to see a comment of mine, so I pointed him to one, unfortunately in that comment I made a small point that he had misspelled something, or something of that nature, it's too long ago, and carving the upside-down cross into my chest that night caused me to pass out from blood loss, so I'm hazy on the details. He gave me a bit of a reassuring answer, telling me he'd get on the case, but a few weeks passed and after the local farm had started questioning me about their missing goats I felt it was best to try and contact him again.

After explaining to Douchey the case (again) he gave no reply to me, I would have pushed a little, but I had noticed that one of the candles had lit the altar to satan I'd built in honor of those motherfuckers on fire, so I had to deal with that, and explaining the dried goat corpses to the firemen took a while.

Eventually they began a contest that I was interested in, the deadline of that contest being the upcoming Saturday at Midnight, I remember this explicitly, as I had learned that one's experience on those motherfuckers could be enhanced by, and was intended for, you to be on illegal drugs that suspend your disbelief and open your mind to all types of suggestion. I had to get things set up for my entry, and everything was going smoothly, until Saturday rolls around, apparently, to those motherfuckers, "Saturday at midnight" means "Friday at midnight", I was flabbergasted, I quickly went to the original post to see the contest rules, but it had craftily been edited, normally I would have simply accepted this without giving it a second though, but the child I'd taken into slavery (after killing his parents) wasn't back from the drug run.

Come to think of it he never did come back, and the police started coming around my house more often..

But I digress. I logged back on the next morning to see that my account had been banned, as I read the words my eyes truly opened and I felt a heavy burden lift off of my back. It turns out that that was merely the effect of the drugs wearing off, and the crows that were picking away at the hole in the back of my head where I'd cut out part of my grey matter got bored and flew away.



Why do those motherfuckers deserve their E for their effort? Because as much as I hate them, they were at one point a fairly decent news source, even if all of their news came 4 days late. Even now, if you dig deep enough into the pointless posts about "how Utada Hikaru plays tetris", or "how one editor took 5 or 6 pictures at a convention, fapped to them in his hotel room, then posted them up" you can still find one or two posts that actually contain news, and maybe, once in a blue moon, one of them will be just facts, and not "the facts as the editor sees them".

All in all, those motherfuckers, as a website, seem to not enjoy people disagreeing with them, so I will honor their wishes, and henceforth not visit their site.
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