It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Apple Juice, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling really displeased, Apple Juice hit a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved Cock was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Cool Ranch. Apple Juice had known Cool Ranch for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Cool Ranch was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... insensitive. Apple Juice called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Cool Ranch picked up to a very ecstatic Apple Juice. Cool Ranch calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths sigh before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually explosively sigh *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Apple Juice. Why was Cool Ranch trying to distract Apple Juice? Because he had snuck out from Apple Juice's with the Cock only eight days prior. It was a saucy little Cock... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Apple Juice got back to the subject at hand: his Cock. Cool Ranch grimaced. Reluctantly, Cool Ranch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Cock. Apple Juice grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Cool Ranch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Cock and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Apple Juice took the spaceship, he had take at least nine minutes before Apple Juice would get there. But if he took the Black people? Then Cool Ranch would be abundantly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Cool Ranch was interrupted by eight pestering Spongebob s that were lured by his Cock. Cool Ranch sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he aggressively reached for his ripened avocado and skillfully groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Black people rolling up. It was Apple Juice.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Apple Juice was out of the Black people and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Cool Ranch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Cool Ranch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Cock into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his time machine. Cool Ranch was exasperated but at least the Cock was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Cool Ranch sassily purred. With a heroic push, Apple Juice opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted beer-sloshed tool in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' Cool Ranch assured him. Apple Juice took a seat uncomfortably close to where Cool Ranch had hidden the Cock. Cool Ranch yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Apple Juice was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Cool Ranch noticed a clueless look on Apple Juice's face. Apple Juice slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Cool Ranch felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Apple Juice asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Cock right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Apple Juice's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Apple Juice nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Cool Ranch could react, Apple Juice thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Cock was plainly in view.
Apple Juice stared at Cool Ranch for what what must've been seven nanoseconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Cool Ranch groped flamboyantly in Apple Juice's direction, clearly desperate. Apple Juice grabbed the Cock and bolted for the door. It was locked. Cool Ranch let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Apple Juice,' he rebuked. Cool Ranch always had been a little clueless, so Apple Juice knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Cool Ranch did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his Cock tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Cool Ranch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Apple Juice. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Apple Juice. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Cool Ranch walked over to the window and looked down. Apple Juice was gone.
Just yonder, Apple Juice was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Cool Ranch's place. Apple Juice had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Spongebob s suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Cock. One by one they latched on to Apple Juice. Already weakened from his injury, Apple Juice yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Spongebob s running off with his Cock.
About five hours later, Apple Juice awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Apple Juice did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious haunted thicket, Apple Juice was excessively lost. Giggling like schoolgirl, he remembered that his Cock was taken by the Spongebob s. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken Spongebob emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha Spongebob . Apple Juice opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Spongebob sunk its teeth into Apple Juice's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Apple Juice's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than three miles away, Cool Ranch was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Cock. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a hasty thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Apple Juice... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Cock that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Spongebob s, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
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