Okay everyone, this has been a long time coming. I'm sure I've written my real name here somewhere, and probably disclosed some aspect of my relative location before, but that's not really important. This isn't an anti-Gamestop rant. This is a rant against the gamers who slam it. If you don't like GameStop, this will not change your mind. In fact, you might just get angry. Go ahead, I'm not here to pick a fight nor will I uphold one. I'm just here to say that this is the way it is, and you aren't going to change anything.

I've worked at Gamestop for almost 4 years, since I was in high school, and it's a great job to have while I whittle away at college. I began my employment when it was EB Games, before Gamestop bought us and changed our signs.

I consider myself a gamer; I've been a memer of Dtoid since 2007 or so, and I've been around other, crappier sites long before that. I understand that many like me who call themselves gamers are at odds with my employers. That's all well and good; I don't really give a shit. Many articles that crop up on Dtoid and Kotaku against Gamestop (Herein, GS) usually focus on some specific premise, one iota of the machine's structure, and declare jihad on the store where everyone -consistently- buys their fucking games. It's like biting the hand that's feeding you, except the hand doesn't notice because it's busy feeding millions of others, and it doesn't care whether or not you eat anyway.

Am I making sense so far?

GS is not a place for gamers to come and share in the communal enjoyment of electronic entertainment. Yes, people like me do work there, but that does not mean we are "on your side." There are times when I'll be more than happy to shoot the shit about the next Square-Enix game that hasn't even been announced stateside yet or talk about the finer intricacies of MGS's plot like I wrote it myself with a customer, but that doesn't mean I won't ask this customer for a preorder, or if he has an Edge Card, or if he'd like a warranty with his game/system, or if he brought it any games to trade.

GS is a business, and it's a rather fruitful one at the ground level. Is it the best job in the world? Hell no, but I enjoy it. What I'm going to do with this entry is level with everyone on many of the complaints that are shot my way, or at our community in general. I'll provide article links when I can find them, but this is pretty much going off memory and common opinion.

Also, I'm not using pictures besides the one at the top.

Storage space in the bathroom

This old article is what got this whole entry going in the first place. It got me thinking- people didn't realize this was true. At my GS, and at every other local GS, and indeed every one I've been to on my various travels around this fat little country. Why? Simple. Our stores are fucking tiny. We have so little space at my store that not only do we use the backroom, the bathroom, and the desks for storage, we actually pull out some of the ceiling tiles in the back and put light things up there. Here's the caveat, though: Nobody actually uses the bathroom. Yes, there is a toilet. No, nobody pees in it. A customer walks in and asks to use the bathroom. We tell them we don't have one. He argues that any location of business must have one. Yes, we do, but it's not a bathroom. It's a storage room, and that's why he can't use it. He goes and pisses at the pizza place next door. Honestly, if you're worried about sanitation, don't touch any games on the wall and don't touch our demo systems. You have any idea how many different hands touch them each day? How many fat fucks wander out of Pizza Hut or Quiznos or whatever with grease all over their hands and they molest all the boxes of Killzone? You ever watch a kid pick his nose while playing the PS3 in the store?
Nick, in writing that article, demonstrates a largely respectable amount of objectivity. One of the comments read, "They make so much money from used games why not buy bigger stores?" You know what we do with that money? We keep it. Then we spend it on ads.

Check-out policy

I can't find the article, but it's fairly recent. Lately, the employee check-out policy has come into question. Yes, everything you've read is true: Employees can check out one game for 4 days (including the check-out day), and must buy it if they damage it. Is this rule adhered to to a T? Depends on your store. My boss reccomends we rent used copies of games, so we do. If we don't have a used copy, we check out a new one. Typically, we're really good about taking care of our shit, but I cannot vouch for other stores. Yes, when we sell those copies, we give the "display copy" excuse, but 9/10 times the one we checked out /is/ the display copy. This can usually be true, as lately we have to "gut" (empty) multiple copies of hot games for display so people see them. Don't like it? Don't buy it. Somebody else will. Most of our customers are not gamers. They honestly don't even give a shit if a game is missing the box and instructions, which happens when little kids think they're suddenly master thieves and dash out the door with an empty case. Ever been to a car dealership? The salesman wants to show you some late great model of some car that he's dying to sell? What does he do? He test-drives it. With you in it, no less. Maybe you won't buy that car. Okay, he'll show you another one. Is the car still new? Yep. Games, understandably, are different. Technically, no, the games are no longer new once they've been played, so we keep them in as good of a shape as possible so you can't tell the difference. Moreover, we give you this same excuse when you try to return a new game and we tell you it's against the policy, because we can no longer sell the game as 'new.'

Trade values



As of this writing, GTAIV trades in for $14 on the 360. Fallout 3 trades in for roughly $20 or $22, and Madden 2008 on every system is about $2. Here is a major distinction between gamers and our casual lifeblood. Regular people are done playing games and decide they'll never pick them up again. They bring them to us, get something for them, and get something new. Gamers, on the other hand, appreciate the true artistry of a wonderful game. They'll play a game, savor it, enjoy it, and on the rare occasion they decide to purge it from their shelves, they are slapped in the face (usually with a dick) by the realization that their game trades in for less than 1/4th of what they bought it for. Yes, a used copy of Fallout 3 still retails for $54.99, and new ones are $60. Why do you only get $20 to trade it in? Profit, people. We make so much money from used games it's sick. "That's it? That's all I get for it?" Yep.

Look at it this way, girls and boys: This is a service, not a favor. We aren't pandering to your desires and expressing a game's true value. Don't like it? Keep the fucking game. Enjoy it. Play it 100 times over. If you really don't want it? We'll give you something for it. Not much, no, but something to inch you on towards the purchase of something worth far more. My coworkers and I never trade games ever. Why? Well for one, we check reviews and budget ourselves accordingly, and two, we know we'll get jackall for our stuff. So we keep it. My prized copy of Ninja Gaiden 2 is worth $8. I wouldn't let go of it for $100. That's just me. Maybe somebody else hated that game so much (and fuck that whiny bitch!) that the game is worthless to them. We'll give them $8.

Pre-orders, bonuses

Why don't people pre-order things? This consistently blows our minds. Follow me on this: You fully intend to pay for X game on such a date. You have the money in your possession, or will by that time, and we don't even want all of it- just a little bit. When you pay us this small amount, which is a part of the purchase price anyway, meaning you don't pay anything extra, we hold your copy for you, and even call you to remind you it exists. And if we're giving away free shit, you get some of that. You can do this all the way up until the game releases.

Instead, people bitch and whine about things like, "Fucking Gamestop is making me preorder to get this cool shit I want." God forbid we try and give you somehting you want, conceptually for free, and do you the service of reserving your fucking game.

You know what happens when you don't preorder? When you walk away from the counter, telling us, "Nah, I'll just come by tomorrow and get it." You know what happens? We remember you. Sometimes we'll go as far as to write down your description. And then you'll come back the next day, seeing the dozens of availible copies on the shelf behind our fucking heads, and not one of them can be yours. And the other stores? They're magically sold out as well. Dick move? Jesus fucking christ, you bet it is. We love it. It's a procedure that makes so little sense not to do that we go well out of our way to be world-class douchebags to you. You want a game that comes out in a week, but you're in uncertain financial situations? That's cool, we understand. You can cancel your preorders anytime. Why? Because shit happens. But if you just cancel it because you're an ass? You're getting the shit end of whatever we can give you. We can't drop your food on the floor like the burger place down the mall, but we can tell you we're sold out of something, or just give you a broken copy.

And why is it that people whine about preorder bonuses? In the case of inFamous, I can understand the argument of, "It's like they're holding back a part of the game." Yeah, kinda. So preorder it. Sucker Punch wants sales. They're a company too. Help them, and us. It's not like you're throwing your money away if you buy the game anyway.

Warranties, and why we sell them

So these two kids came in the other day, I'd guess college freshmen, and one of them sells something for cash, which not every state allows, and the other wants to buy a DS. Cash trades are a pain in the fucking ass because the states that allow it usually require a second-hand dealer's form to be filled out, like at a pawn shop. These are complete bullshit and a waste of time. If you ever make us fill one of these out, don't ask for an application, you won't get hired. More on that later. Anyway, the kid not selling anything wants to buy a DS, and he's debating with his friend between a DS Lite and the new DSi. DSi's are all well and good if you don't care about the GBA slot or if you're into the DSi shop and cameras and shit, but if you just want to play some fucking games, we'll unanimously reccomend a DS Lite in a heartbeat. So we do. His friend heeps telling him, "No man, with the DSi you can do homebrew like there's no tomorrow, man." On another note, talking about modding your systems and shit does not make you cool. We don't care than you can play your imported fansub of Earthbound 3 or whatever. We convince him to save the $40 and get a Lite. While we're ringing him up, he comments that his last DS broke and that's why he needs a new one. He gets the DS, I reccomend GTA, but he doesn't go for it, and just goes with the system.

I tell him, "Out of the box, Nintendo has a one-year warranty that they offer; the information for that is inside the box. For an extra $19.99, we offer an extended warranty that picks up for an additional year after Nintendo's ends, in which any problems you have you bring the system to us." His friend turns to him and says, "Don't do it man, that's how they get ya."
I tell him, "Yep, that's how we get ya. That's how when his last DS broke and he didn't have a warranty, he was shit out of luck. If his system breaks a year and a half from now, he's going to be mad at you, not us."

The guy bought the warranty.

Rather silly if you ask me- the DS Lite is extremely durable and efficient, and the only real way to fuck them up is to damage them, but of course our warranty doesn't cover physical damage. We made $20 on something he'll probably never use. It was the profits from things like this that gave birth to the stroke of genius we call the "Gameplay Guarantee," in which for an extra $2-$3+tax, we'll cover an individual game for a whole year. How many of these have we sold? Countless numbers. How many people use them? Virtually no one.

If someone brings back a warranty-covered system or game, they are handled with the utmost respect and care, and offered the choice of purchasing a new warranty, because they're self-terminating after one use. 99% of the time, they buy a new one. I've sold more than 5 Xbox 360's to a single customer in the span of a year because of shit like this, and my employers just smile. That's exactly what should be happening.

GSTV, and our general misuse of our egregious amount of money

This is not how my store looks. It'd be nice, but things just aren't that way. My store is the equivalent of a walk-in closet, except you have to pay for things before you leave, there are people inside, and there are windows. The "Prototype stores" as they are called are a bit ridiculous- there's basically an extra register exclusively for processing trades. Wheeh.

And who remembers this wonderful commemorative item? Made from real... plastic or something, it's shitty. I know, I handed one to the winner of our SSBB contest, who happened to be my cousin. He also won the following tournament, in which only 3 people showed up. Real pieces of shit, right? For the record, no, I did not help him win, cheat, or do anything unusual in any way, he just won. There's a really funny story behind that tournament, but that's for another day.

Anywho, this is how little our company really cares about shit like this. Most of the money goes into our retarded ads. You don't like them; I don't like them. At least you don't have to suffer them for many hours straight. Yes, I know that tarty bitch on Gamestop TV changes her hair every month, and I know she constantly makes a depressing mockery of her skinny whitekid cohost, and points out that he's a gamer like it's a bad thing. I know, I know. Shut up. It sucks, ignore it. You come into the store, you know what you want, you get it, you move on with your life. Everybody else... they're stupid. They are sheep without a shepherd. They do not know what they want. It's my job, and GSTV's job, to tell them. How do they know what hot new music game to buy their retarded 14-year-old who's obsessed with Metallica? They know because the magic box tells them Guitar Hero: Metallica is the hottest thing ever, and something about two bass drum pedals and rocking guitar lyrics or bass solos or something. They buy it. They leave.

Yes, I know Big Bang Theory is the worst portrayal of nerds since Revenge of the Nerds. I feel your pain. The thing is, these unwashed masses know nothing of our subculture; let's keep it that way. Let them consume the stupid shit they do and you can go on in the shadows and brood, because that's all that ever seems to happen.

GameStop only acknowledges that you exist so long as there is money in your pockets, but they also know that advertising to you is pointless. They know that you can, each and every one of you, name more Japanese developers and composers and Western voice actors than they even know exist. Doing ads for you guys isn't preaching to the choir, it's holding up a banana to a man who is very clearly eating and enjoying an apple, and only wants another goddamn apple. The last thing they want is an explosion of the hardcore gamers onto the scene. You'll scare away our regulars, who themselves and generally casuals.

Stop complaining about the ads. They suck; ignore them,

"Maybe you guys have heard of it..." Gamer games vs. Casual games, and why GTA: Chinatown Wars isn't doing so hot

So this guy came in last week. He walks in, looks confused, and stares at some wall. I have to move fast lest he forget where he is and start to masturbate like many of our customers, so I ask him from behind the counter, "Is there anything I can help you find today, buddy?" "Uh... yeah... I'm look for this game, you probably haven't heard of it, it's called ICO. I-C-O." Of course I've heard of Ico. My copy sits next to Shadow of the Colossus on my shelf, near Okami and Odin Sphere. Ico. My boss, who is into games to the extent that he plays games casualy with his wife but doesn't care that much, knows Ico. My district manager who doesn't play games at all knows about Ico. Why? Mostly because A. it's rare, and B. hardcore gamers want it and we never have it, so we get asked a lot. Of course I know this game.

What struck me was the preface- "you probably haven't heard of it." I decided to fuck with this guy. "Ico? Huh. You mean God of War?" "No, it's a PS2 game where you like... go on an adventure..." "Oh, so like God of War. We have a ton of those." "It's kindof related to Shadow of the Colossus." "We also have Shadow the Hedgehog, yeah." "No, man, the game is called Ico. I knew you guys wouldn't know anything." "Well, yeah, sorry we couldn't help you, but if you want to play Grand Theft Auto or Madden, or buy an Xbox and play Halo, we've got you covered." "Uh, no thanks."

He leaves. An hour later, a shorter, fat guy comes in, panting. "You guys have Ico?" "Let me check." I check. "Yup." "Sweet, my friend and I have been looking for it." "Is your friend a tall guy with a hat?" "And dark hair?" "Yeah." "Yeah, that's my friend Mitch." "Does he realize we're not retarded?" "Why?" "He assumed I had never heard of the game." "Heh, yeah, he's not a fan of this place." "It's all good." I scramble around for the game. We have it, but it's missing the original case and manual, so it's the disc with our REALLY SHITTY generic box-art. I tell the guy, "It doesn't have the box or instructions, is that cool?" "Oh, that's no problem, as long as the game is fine." Miraculously, it is. I grab an empty DVD case and go to print out a label for the game, when I decided to be an asshole one more time. I printed out a label reading, "God of War." We got a laugh out of it and the dude went on his way.

What happened here was an example of an elite gamer being too elite. Yes, we work here. Yes, Call of Duty is going to sell more than whatever random fanfuck RPG is coming out next. No, we are not stupid. The lesson is simple: Don't assume we are, even if some of us are. They are exceptions and they're pathetic but that's the way it is. Game experience is not at all a prerequisite for employment.

When people come up to the counter, we try and fit them with games that suit them. 9/10 times they want Call of Duty, GTA, Halo, Madden, NBA, etc. When someone comes in shopping for DS games, they're usually not shopping for themselves, it's usually for their young child. I don't sell them GTA:DS, as much as I'd love to. When an attractive girl walks in alone, she's almost never buying games for herself- she's been sent by her boyfriend, husband, brother, son, etc. Not everybody wants whatever obscure title just came out. The gay kid that buys all the Digimon games for DS once overheard me remark to a coworker, "I wish a I brought my DS." He asked, "What game?" "GTA." "Oh. I thought you'd play a good game." "You buy every Digimon game that shows up on the system- Go fuck yourself."

We don't like your elitism, and have no problem not selling you anything. The game store is not some holy rite to all gamers, it's a place where everyone, not just the elect, come to waste money. So buy something or shut up.

Hiring

In a word, no. You're not getting hired. Getting a job at GS is like getting a job just about anywhere else- know people, be cool, and take it slow. In this economy it's a shiit time to look for a job anyway, but still. We have people who come in regularly, shop, act cool, and have a genuine interest in games. If they ask for an application, we'll give them one, maybe even sign off on a reccomendation. Some randy jolly fucktard runs in and asks for an app? We'll give him one too, but we won't look at it. If he fills it out in the store? We'll move it to the bottom of the pile. If it's total crap? We'll probably lose it. If someone does something really shitty like sells something for cashs and asks for one? We're out.

I got my job because I knew the manager, and I worked at the movie theater down the mall. All of my former bosses were gamers, and it was a smooth transition. Out of the blue would have been a lot harder. You can honestly find a better place to work, and you'll make more money elsewhere. There's virtually no prestige to working here other than our paltry discount. If you really want to be "in," work somewhere close to one, especially food, and be able to bring the people at GS free stuff. They'll love you no matter what after that. Just don't be a dick.

Ratings and Kids

Stuff like this is funny. It's seldom the gamer community pointing fingers at us and usually Cooper Lawrence and her dried-up vagina full of lackies, but we take flak from it. Selling games to minors is bad. Somewhere, Jim Sterling had an article about blaming the parents, because the parents are the true fuckups here. We can't sell M-rated games to minors without their parents' consent. Some employees half-assedly say, "This game is rated M for Mature, is it okay if your little 6-year-old ex-fetus plays this?" "Sure yeah whatever I'm on the phone."

The rest of us take pride in our work. I'll never forget the first time some little kid triumphantly made his way up to the counter with God of War in his hands, ready for his parents to drop the cash, and my boss whispered to me, "Crush his dreams." The family approached the counter. "Hi, folks. Your son picked this game out today. BEfore I sell this to you, I must inform you that this game is rated M for Mature, which is the equivalent of an R-rated movie. It features copious amounts of sex, nudity, and tons and tons of violence. I can honestly say it's among the most violent games in the system." The parents, shocked at what little Jimmy Timmy whatever had discovered, grabbed him by the arms and stormed out, but not without thanking me for my advice. This is awesome. Let me tell you, one of the best parts of the job is being an asshole to annoying kids and their parents thank us for it. Another story to save for another day is a tale of two young kids whose mother bought them something very different from Grand Theft Auto. It's fun, it's satisfying, and it's an enlightening experience. People assume we're retarded and hand kids copies of GTA of GoW without thinking. They don't realize that some twisted and probably sick/depraved form of satisfaction arises out of making kids cry.

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So there you have it. A portal to the inner-workings of GameStop and why you truly don't really belong there any more than anywhere else. We are a business like any other, and we're trying to make money however we damn well please. If it's not your money, it's somebody else's.

-JS