Hey all, the name’s Justin and I’ve been hanging around Destructoid since late 2006. It’s okay if you don’t recognize me from way back when, as I was originally known as TheGoldenDonut (and still am in the forums). I joined the staff in 2007 as a News Contributor after flooding the tip line on a daily basis, and then I got to write stuff on the front page. Now I mostly just bum around while doing grad school stuff. I'm also learning to code a bit.
Willem Dapho: We Bought a Vietnamese Restaurant but It Blew up on Accident, So We Had to Build a New One, and We'll Call It Willem Dapho
Writer: Justin Villasenor
Director: Jim Sterling
Executive Producer: Conrad Zimmerman
Associate Producer: Jonathan Holmes
Asian Consultant: Colette Bennett
[The scene opens inside Le Château Exclusivité.]
Famed Hollywood actor Willem Dafoe and his best buddy Brendan Fraser (played by Brendan Fraser) are unable to get a table at Le Château Exclusivité, the
finest french restaurant in all of the Hollywood Hills.
"Yoiu av'e become a vahsed uhp azz'bin," the Rude French Host (played by William Shatner) tells famed Hollywood actor Willem Dafoe. "Naow goh eh'vay!"
"A has been?" famed Hollywood actor Willem Dafoe responds. "How can you call me that when William Shatner is over there eating a plate full of juicy snails?!"
[Camera pans to table where William Shatner (played by Danny DeVito) is eating a plate heaped full of dead french snails.]
William Shatner waves at Dafoe and Fraser. "Hey, famed Hollywood actor Will'am Dafoe! It's me! William Shatner played by Danny DeVito! Damn, these snails are good and juicy!” William Shatner picks up handfuls of snails and shoves them into his eager mouth. He doesn't chew. The slurping sound of cooked invertebrates echoes throughout the restaurant.
[Camera pans back to Willem Dafoe, Brendan Fraser, and the Rude French Host.]
Willem Dafoe shakes his fist in anger. “I'll get revenge against all of yah! Against you, Rude French Waiter,” Dafoe points accusingly at the waiter (still played by William Shatner) who cowers in fear, “fer trying to exclude the biggest star in Hollywood when all he wants is a plate of goddamn snails fer lunch. And you, William Shatner,” Dafoe adds as he moves the vengeful gaze of his index finger to William Shatner played by Danny DaVito, “fer not offering to share any of your snails with me and my best pal Brendan Fraser. You've got more snails than any man has a right to!”
“Thank you for asking in your usual Scottish accent,” Willem Dafoe says. “I have a plan, but first we need to get something to eat. The lunch hour's almost over!”
[Cut to interior of Vietnamese restaurant.]
“I have no idea what kind of place this is,” Willem Dafoe grumbles. “They better have some food though, because I'm starving. Why don't you order for us Brendan Fraser?”
Brendan Fraser pounds his fist on the table and then sweeps it across the flat surface, knocking their menus to the floor. “Oi! Whaitar! Brhing uhs yur fhin'est haggis, or, fhail'n tha't, yur bhest newdle soop sherved with e'ither beef or chick'n ahnd the newdles should be mhade with rhice flour apparent'ly!”
The Waiter (played by Jim Carrey) approaches the table immediately. He sets down large, steaming bowls in front of both Fraser and Dafoe. They each take a bite.
“Blimey!” exclaims Brendan Fraser.
“Blimey!” exclaims Willem Dafoe. “This is the best pho I've ever had in my life, even though I didn't even know what it was until just now for some reason.” Dafoe gives the Waiter a check for $50,000 as his tip. The Waiter looks at it, confused, and then hands Dafoe a piece of paper. “Is this fer tax purposes or something?” Dafoe asks as he signs the paper. The Waiter, silent, walks out the back door with only the check in hand. He and the Chef (played by Conan O'Brien) leave the restaurant forever, although Dafoe and Fraser have not realized the significance of this yet.
“Hey, bald Waiter guy!” Dafoe calls after the Waiter (played by Jim Carrey who was wearing a bald cap by the way) “You fergot yer receipt or whatever this paper I haven't even looked at yet is!”
“Cor blimey!” says Brendan Fraser. “Willhem, tha's no receipt, tha's a deed. You jus' bought this Vietnamese restaurant!”
“So I did, Brendan Fraser,” says Dafoe. “And now that I have this Vietnamese restaurant, I can finally put my plan of revenge against Shatner and Shater played by Danny DaVito into action.”
“Uh oh,” says Fraser. “I smell trou'ble.”
[Violin plays a comic refrain to emphasis the crazy antics of Brendan Fraser.]
“That's not trouble you smell,” says Willem Dafoe. “It's gas! That clutz Conan O'Brien forgot to turn both the stove and the oven off and he left a lit cigar on the counter even though he doesn't smoke!”
[Montage begins to play. It starts with a still of Dafoe and Fraser jumping out of the exploding restaurant, and shows them rebuilding it with their own two hands.]
[Five years later....]
“Ok, that should do it.” Willem Dafoe says as he pounds in the last nail. “It took us a while to get a building that didn't fall over, Brendan Fraser, but now we finally have the perfect tool of revenge: the best new Vietnamese restaurant in the state of California: Willem Dapho.”
Brendan Fraser applauds. Too moved for words.
[As applause starts the camera pans back to show a building that looks exactly the same as the one five years ago, except the sign now reads Willem Dapho, instead of whatever it said before.]
“Ih's bee'utiful,” Fraser finally manages.
“It sure is buddy,” Dafoe says. “The most beautiful means of revenge I ever did see. AH HAHAHAHAHA!”
“Cant you jus' giv' uhp on yur rhevenge, Willhem? Think a' how good tha' bowl a' pho made you feel fahve years ahgo. I dun whant our food ta' be tainted with nehgative emotions. I want it ta' mahke people 'appy and smilin' an whatnot.”
“That's a good point Brendan Fraser, but my need for revenge has yet to cool over these five long years. I even turned down that key role in Star Wars Episode VIII as the new Sith Lord just so I could devote all my time and energy to get this place completed. And now I'm going to use it.”
“Ach, no,” Brenda Fraser says.
[Violin plays a sad refrain to emphasis how uncertain Fraser is over this continued path of revenge.]
Willem Dafoe holds up a newspaper. The headline reads: “Vietnamese Ambassador Comes to Hollywood. Definitely Going to Eat at Le Château Exclusivité First. Can Any Other Restaurant Top His Meal There? That Restaurant Would Surely be Proclaimed the Best Restaurant in All of California if It Did.”
[The camera stays focused on him for 15 minutes. Then it pans over to show Fraser's shocked expression. It stays focused on him for 15 more minutes.]
“Well, that's 30 minutes down,” Willem Dafoe says. “Now it's time to cook up some revenge.”
[Cut to the interior of Willem Dapho, some hours later.]
Every chair is filled by excited observers. The Vietnamese Ambassador (played by Mitt Romney) sits at a table with William Shatner (played by Danny DeVito) and William Shatner (playing the Rude French Host). The flashbulbs of vintage, 1920s cameras create bursts of light as the press attempts to capture this historic moment.
“Well here you go your highness.” Willem Dafoe nonchalantly plops down a bowl of pho in front of the Vietnamese Ambassador. The Ambassador takes a long sip.
[40 seconds later.]
Dafoe asks “So how's the soup Mitt Romney, who was definitely robbed in the 2012 presidential election am I right folks?”
The Ambassador shrugs. “It's okay.”
“Ha! In your face William Shatner played by Danny DaVito and also in your face William Shatner playing the Rude French Host!” Willem Dafoe jumps onto a table, knocking plates, bowls, and silverware to the floor. “I've finally gotten my revenge!” He throws his arms into the air to emphasize the revenge that he just got.
Both William Shatners leave in shame. Willem Dafoe continues to stand upon the table, arms held aloft.
[45 minutes later.]
Everyone in the restaurant has left. Willem Dafoe lowers his arms. “That's right,” he says, “I still have to tell my best buddy Brendan Fraser about how successful I was at getting my revenge.” He jumps off the table and bounds into the kitchen.
“Hey Brendan Fraser, you'll never guess what good thing happened to me exactly 45 minutes ago...!”
[Violin plays a dissonant chord.]
Willem Dafoe stares in horror at Brendan Fraser's mangled body, which is writhing in pain on the kitchen floor. “Brendan Fraser!” Dafoe shouts. “No! Who or what did this to you?!”
Brendan Fraser beckons him closer. When his ear is directly inside Brendan Fraser's mouth, he can just make out a whispered “Revenge.”
Willem Dafoe screams a scream of rage and pain even more intense than that time someone else did it in another movie. He falls to his knees and slams his fists into the tiled floor. “How could I have let revenge get in the way of our friendship which eventually ended in your death for some reason? Well, I've definitely learned my lesson now: no more revenge for me. Also, I'm closing Willem Dapho. The memories here are much too painful.”
Willem Dafoe stands. He gazes at Brendan Fraser's shredded limbs with nostalgia. “But before I can start my life over, I have to tell the world about the way you lived yours. If I didn't do that much, your lovely wife Debra Messing played by herself would never forgive me.” Dafoe bends over to pick up Fraser's severed hand off the ground. He clasps it firmly in his own. “I swear on this handshake that I'll make a movie so great that no one will ever forget the man you once were.”
[Cut to a dark room.]
Willem Dafoe sits, with his back to the camera. In front of him is a typewriter. He slowly lifts his hands and types.
[As he begins to type, the camera moves closer and looks over his shoulder.]
The freshly typed words “Willem Dapho” are visible on the paper fed into the typewriter.
Willem Dafoe awkwardly twists his neck around to look up at the camera. “What?” he says with a smile and a wink. “Hadn't you figured it out yet? This is that movie to honor my best dead friend Brendan Fraser.”
[The camera shoots up into the air. The city of Hollywood is visible, then California, then the Earth and moon. It stops once the entire solar system is in view.]
The storms on Jupiter warp into the face of none other than Brendan Fraser. He laughs heartily.
[Violin plays a jaunty folk tune to emphasis a hope for the future and Brendan Fraser's humble, rural upbringing.]
“Tha's a good un, Willhem,” he says in his deep Scottish voice.