JoyfulSanity 's blog
About
I'm a guy who likes to write about videogames. Sometimes in funny ways and sometimes in artsy ways. You'll just have to read my blogs to find out the difference between the two!

I'm in my mid 20s, I'm from the United States, and this is currently the most productive thing I'm doing with my B.A. in English. I also tend to write really long comments in response to people that start to read like mini-blogs. I apologize in advance for the walls of text.

Also, I like to have fun. I write about controversies sometimes because I get compelled, but I much prefer using caps lock to convey my love for quality RPGs.

I'm currently playing the following:

Final Fantasy XIV
Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel
Final Fantasy XIV
Final Fantasy XIV
Final Fantasy XIV

I've been featured on the front page! Check it out!

The Ys Buyers Guide
I Love Final Fantasy: All The Bravest
Videogames don't let me think about the awful things I do in them
My fondest videogame memories involve breaking them

My blogs are like my childrens and I love them all. Having said that...

The following are my personal favorite blogs among what I've written here:

Why I Love Your Blog
A 100% Objective Review of the Ys Series
Sexualized is a lazy term
Klonoa 2 is awesome and you should play it
Boobs

If you want to get in touch with me, send me a message here:

joyfulsanity@gmail.com
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It's time to join the club

 

When I first heard about Bacon Club Cheeseburger, I was skeptical to say the least. Developer McDonald's is no stranger to anti-consumer practices, and the critically panned Black Halloween Cheeseburger convinced me that my days of being invested in the Cheeseburger canon were over.

Yet as new information about Bacon Club was released in the days prior to release, it started to look too good to be true. A return to form that we haven't seen since Double Cheeseburger? More meaty content not locked behind a paywall? It seemed as if it was an elaborate hoax, or the precursor to a cruel punchline intended to crush the spirits of Cheeseburger fans.

Yet now that I've experienced Bacon Club Cheeseburger in all its entirety, I can confirm that it delivers on all that it promised, and even a little more too.

Bacon Club Cheeseburger
Developer: McDonalds Corporation
Publisher: [I think it's some guy named John? - JS] [You expect me to look that up for you? - Ed]
Released: [Can someone look this up for me? Thx. -JS] [This isn't highschool, do your own work. - Ed] [Wow, passive aggressive much? - JS] [Meet me in my office. -Ed]
MSRP: $5.49 (standalone), $7.79 (combo preorder)

The first thing you're going to notice about Bacon Club is how minimalistic its narrative is. It opens up with the text "satisfy your craving," and the player is left with no clear indication of story or character development for the rest of the adventure. Tried as I might, I scoured the meat of the game thoroughly and couldn't find any other story clues, though I was surprised that there was actually a bit of hidden narrative content that can be found by searching the box.

This unorthodox approach to storytelling may seem asinine, but it lends itself well to the overarching thesis that Bacon Club seems to send: the player is the top priority, and you should have it your way. While AAA titles have been struggling to find ways to blend gameplay and story elements without alienating those who are playing strictly for one or the other, Bacon Club leaves the story as an unspoken sidequest that can be pursued by those who are actually interested in unraveling it. In truth, the Bacon Club community has already made great strides in unraveling the many mysteries of the narrative, and those who are intrigued by meta story driven games will likely remember this one alongside titles like Dear Esther and The Uncle Who Works For Nintendo.

This would be meaningless if the core of Bacon Club was not entertaining, but fortunately McDonalds has proven that they are masters of their craft when it comes to Cheeseburger gameplay. Instead of wrapping all the content together in a tightly linear fashion like previous Cheeseburger games, Bacon Club utilizes a sandbox style approach to gameplay by setting the game in an actual box. This may seem bit jarring at first, but this small change gives players freedom in choosing what content they'd like to experience while simultaneously providing a convenient venue to save other pieces of content for later. Some gamers will inevitably complain that this shift in design is an effect of videogame homogenization perpetuated by the likes of Ubisoft and E.A, but those who approach the game with an open mind will be pleasantly surprised by all that Bacon Club has to offer.

And my oh my, does Bacon Club deliver on content. Gamers have long decried McDonalds for withholding the popular Bacon expansion pack behind a paywall in previous Cheeseburger games, but true to its title, Bacon Club ships with both a full featured Cheeseburger and Bacon without needing to shell out any extra cash. Though reviewers are usually not asked to take price into account when reviewing a videogame, I'm going to do it anyway and state that $5.49 for all the content Bacon Club packs is a great deal. The Bacon expansion virtually doubles the amount of meat contained within the game, which is saying a lot given how much content is there to begin with. Though Bacon Club's content may not reach the euphoric heights of other Cheeseburger style games from other developers, there's still an impressive amount of quality for players to sink their teeth into.

That said, Bacon Club still has an edge over the before mentioned competitors by being equally as viable to enjoy both portably and in a home environment. The bite sized nature of the gameplay in Cheeseburger games has always lent itself to excel in this area, and despite all its changes Bacon Club is no different. In fact, a gamer could in theory enjoy Bacon Club while playing another videogame altogether, so gamers can experience the thrill of purchasing a new product while simultaneously working to minimizing their gaming backlog.

As a videogame reviewer, I'm always looking for a paradoxical combination of videogames being an entirely new experience while being something I'm familiar with so I can play and review it quickly, and in this regard Bacon Club met my expectations in spades. Some gamers will inevitably argue whether Cheeseburger games can adequately count as videogames to begin with, but the reality is that Bacon Club is an enjoyable package filled to the brim with content that should appeal to anyone who owns an Xbox or a Nintendo Playstation. To be concise, it's like what would happen if Mass Effect and Skyrim had a illegitimate child with Assassin's Creed and Final Fantasy with slight influences from Braid and Thomas Was Alone also God of War Dark Souls Super Mario Bros Dragonball Z badass shooter FPS shoot 'em up Candy Crush only with epic robots and zombies and crafting. Also it's a Cheeseburger.

8 /10 Great: Impressive efforts with a few noticeable problems holding it back. Won't astound everyone, but is worth your time and cash.

[The Search Engine Optimization in your last paragraph is still inadequate. Please resubmit this review to me after revising and don't do something stupid like post it with all my comments included. -Ed]

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Confession: I wrote the title of this blog as a silly excuse to jump on the anti-badger bandwagon after the not-quite-stellar Q&A session that recently happened. However, after rereading all the badger-related posts and perhaps realizing that a blog with just a title would probably get fail-blogged, I realized an important question needed to be answered.

Who the hell is The Badger?

I don't mean that in a literal sense. There's a few intriguing clues in The Badger's words that might lead an internet sleuth in one or many directions, but that's the opposite of the point I'm trying to make here. Rather, I think we're seeing a kind of fascinating phenomenon unfolding that may or may not be what has been intended from the start.

I had zero idea of what I wanted to do for a picture here but here's the source at least

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I think there's at least some merit to some of what The Badger has said thus far on Destructoid, even if it hasn't been elegantly conveyed. We can also ascertain that The Badger probably is at least a little privy to what he/she/it/they are talking about thus far, even without any clarified credentials. Yet beyond that, this persona that has taken on a public stage on Destructoid technically isn't inherently different than you, me, or any random commenter talking about videogame culture in a way that anyone outside of videogame culture wouldn't care about. The Badger is, by their own admittance, "shit posting" under the mask of anonymity that technically doesn't give them any more credit than a 4channer who claims his uncle works at Nintendo. Technically speaking, The Badger is nobody.

Yet even if The Badger was someone, would it even matter? Check this out; some of you may know this already, but I'm actually a game designer. Look at all these videogames I've designed using the highly advanced RPG Maker engine:

So tack that onto all of my blogs. Don't agree with my views on Final Fantasy? Well sorry son, I'm a game designer, and I'm a front page Destructoid writer, so I guess that makes my opinions more valuable than yours. Obviously that's not how conversations work, because otherwise Phil Fish wouldn't get even a 10th of the hate that he does now. A person's alleged background is only a framework for what's truly important: the quality of that person's words. No amount of expertise in a subject qualifies you to be a dick unless specifically being a dick is going to accomplish something that couldn't be done without being a dick, and that's something that's rather hard to quantifiably prove.

What's interesting here is that The Badger seems to show contempt for everyone. Commenters are nerds, Journalists are nerds, everyone's a "garbage fucker." If The Badger had even a little concern for what any of us thought of The Badger, they probably would not have made blatant jabs at community fan favorite Brittany Vincent. The Badger is the anti-Destructoid; In a tight-nit community that values an intimate staff and jokes about sexing each other just about every other hour, The Badger is an anonymous and strange mass of negativity that will speak to us but will under no circumstances want to be among us. To The Badger, the world is shit, and The Badger seems to believe their posts will perhaps make it less shit. Or something.

To an extent, there is value of a voice that runs as a counterpoint to the culture of Destructoid's Gardevoir fantasies and shutting up in order to just play videogames. Perhaps the plan from the start was to create a character that everyone would find reason to hate, regardless of ideology. As ShadeOfLight has observed, it's entirely possible that The Badger could just be a staff member screwing with us and we'd be none the wiser. I don't neccesarily believe that's the case, but obviously it's been effective, considering that the page views are allegedly higher than normal and all this nonsense has propelled me to write a dissertation on the subject. But in the end, the internet doesn't need another "shit poster." In case it hasn't been obvious, the internet is full of shit posters, and the last thing we need is another one. Until I see the snitnami dowse the shit flames in its shitiness, I will stand opposed. We need more people who can clean up the shit, not make more of it.

That said, ask me anything. I'm just another community member in the grand scheme of things, but at least some of you know my name and have chatted with me before. If The Badger is both anybody and nobody, then take heart that I'm at least somebody and will at some point remember you are a human being when I respond to you. Perhaps the world is shit, and perhaps I'm just an idiot among idiots acting like an idiot so some other idiots can feel less like an idiot.

But at the very least, I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not acting like an awful person.

So ask me anything.

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How does one write an intro for a blog about something as shameful and private as their fetishes?

Seriously, someone tell me please.

1: Elizabeth

When it comes to Persona girls, some guys like Chie for her legs, Yukiko for her laughing fits, Yukari for her OUTSTANDING B-B-B-BOOOOOW AND ARROW, etc. Then there are some people who like Persona girls who look like they might kill them in their sleep. I belong to neither of these groups but I like Elizabeth anyway.

Elizabeth's theme song in Persona 4 Arena is a final boss song from Persona 3, also she wants to turn the Velvet Room into a nightclub. Best girl.

2: Humans

Out of all the people that I have felt attraction towards over the course of my lifetime, 100% of them have been human. I've talked with my doctor about this, asking questions like why I was never confused by the likes of Knuckles the Echidna or Rainbow Dash, but he just told me that he wasn't my doctor and asked if I'd like to pay for my groceries with cash or credit.

Someday, I will find the reason why I have this shameful orientation.

3: Hitting the damage cap

The most exciting part of hitting the damage cap in an RPG isn't the moment of climax, but rather, the anticipation leading up to it. All the careful preparation, shouting buffs and debuffs when necessary, trying not to unleash too early while surviving a passionate onslaught, all leading to that one incredible moment that leaves me breathlessly whispering one phrase:

"Ninety-Nine-Thousand-Nine Hundred-Ninety-Nine"

4: Using Jigglypuff in Smash Bros.

Jifflypuff is a joke character who traditionally hangs around the bottom tier of any given Smash Bros. game, but you know what they say about tiers: tiers are for quetotal amateurs.

It's one thing for someone to lose a game in Smash Bros., but losing to someone playing as Jigglypuff results in a loss of self worth, the questioning of the existence of God, and an erection that lasts longer than four hours. I actually didn't know what to put for that last point so I just drew a Cards Against Humanities card and tossed it in.

5: Seeing Occams and Wrenchfarm some guy named Nic Rowen on the front page of Destructoid

I've been tempted to try to word some heartfelt congratulations to these two for their newfound promotions on Destructoid, but I said to myself "How can I intensify this sentiment and also make it kind of creepy at the same time?"

Nailed it.

6: Battle themes

The battle theme is the quintessential genre of music. In fact, some people don't know this, but all music is secretly a battle theme. Don't believe me? Well, J-Pop is a battle theme, American Pop is a battle theme, Classical Music is a battle theme, Jazz is a battle theme, and even Deep Purple's Ian Gillian is a battle theme.

Yes, Ian Gillian is a battle theme. I used all of those words exactly the way I meant to.

Oh, and even that super sad song used as Aeris' theme is a battle theme after she gets a sword through the back. Warning: This article contains spoilers.

7: Receiving death threats for my controversial views on Final Fantasy XIII

Warning: Graphic Violence, Strong Language, and Excessive Stupidity

I have to admit, I totally baited people on this one by not only occasionally criticizing Final Fantasy XIII, but also saying things like "I think it's bad but I enjoy it anyway," "I can see why people like it," and writing a blog that says lots of good things about Final Fantasy XIII. It's good to see that this hard work has paid off, as one look at my blog history shows that my main motivation for writing blogs is to intentionally make people upset.

8: Jokes that I get but feel kind of ashamed to admit I get so I just kind of chuckle to myself but try not to draw too much attention to it

Believe it or not, this list has taken a while to write. In fact, as I wrote the above, two years worth of thoughts made a glopping noise as my words flowed endlessly onto the page.

9: Key changes

This actually wasn't my original pick for number 9, but while writing this I was listening to the theme song from Persona 4 Arena Ultimax and the key change near the end happened so suddenly that it scared the shit out of me. Perfectly valid reason to add it to my fetishes list.

Never mind that I apparently just claimed that key changes to me are like Slender Man to creepy pasta fans.

10: Pretending to have poor knowledge of what a fetish is as a thinly veiled excuse to participate in a meme and make a list about arbitrary bullshit

This is what happens when I keep trying to break my blogging hiatus and I can only ever write up to the intro.

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Image Source: Kotaku


If you ask just about anyone what they hate the most about old school style jRPGs, there's a very high chance they'll say "random battles."

It's an idea that has been parodied to death and has been the subject of ridicule among gamers for years now, which is why many gamers consider random battles to be an "outdated" game mechanic. And the fact of the matter is, developers seem to agree. This is why we're starting to see "touch encounters" in once random battle laden series like Final Fantasy and Persona, and gamers everywhere have been showering praise on Bravely Default for including an option to reduce or even turn off random encounters at will. As I recall one person saying back in my days as a regular of the RPG Maker community, "random battles are like watching a movie and having it be interrupted every two minutes with someone bashing pots and pans together."

Yet the worst thing about random battles is that there is actually nothing wrong with them: it's actually everything around them that's flawed.



I'll always remember the dungeons in the original Final Fantasy as some of the most tense experiences I ever had as a young gamer. If I was entering a dungeon for my first time, I would never consider traversing all the way to the end in one go. Trying to do that would be foolhardy and stupid. Instead, the objective would be to explore the first floor or two, open as many treasure chests as I could, and then make a run for the exit to recover my resources and perhaps upgrade my gear if I hadn't done so already. If I got cocky and went too far in over my head, then I ran a very high risk of getting ambushed by some powerful monster and being stuck in the middle of a monster laden maze with my team either badly wounded or majorly compromised. If I didn't have enough potions or just got really unlucky with the run command, then I was looking at a bad end.

Final Fantasy I is far from the paradigm of excellent game design, but it is an excellent demonstration of what random battles can add to an RPG. Dungeons were tense because battles were unforgiving and inevitable, not little glowing orbs on the map that I could either fight or pass by if I felt like it. Although old RPGs ran wild with random encounters to pad out the playtime with grinding, random encounters were one of the main challenges to overcome in these older RPGs.



The problems with random battles really started in the SNES/PSX era of RPGs, when the RPG genre was moving to be more user friendly but retained old mechanics that were no longer being used properly. Since developers likely figured that most gamers didn't want to dedicate the better part of their week to finishing a single dungeon, the difficulty of RPGs started to drop and once scarce resources - like gold and recovery items - were given more frequently to the player. While there was nothing inherently wrong with these decisions, they made large strides in nullifying the tension that random encounters once brought to RPGs. Your heroes would be able to overcome the average group of enemies handily, and even if significant damage was dealt to the party, it was easy to buy 99 potions and just dump them on your heroes until you reached the end of the dungeon.

When random encounters don't actually threaten the player, their significance as an actual game mechanic is reduced to little more than a monotonous war of attrition that the player probably was never in danger of losing to begin with. It's not that the concept is fundamentally flawed, it's just that many games weren't well designed around the concept of random battles. It would be like if you played first person shooter games where your enemies either rarely shot back at you or were virtually incapable of actually causing you to lose the game (insert your Call of Duty joke here), and thus proclaimed that the FPS is an old and outdated genre.



For a perfect example of everything wrong with the design around random encounters, let's consider the recent remakes of Final Fantasy I, particularly the PSP version (the same could probably be said for the GBA version, but the PSP version is the one I most recently played). Square Enix changed the fundamental rules of the game to allow for a traditional magic point system and a save-anywhere feature, which are both convenient features that totally conflict with the way Final Fantasy I was designed. Enemies give the player so much EXP and gold that it's more of a challenge not to become completely overpowered, and even if a rough enemy group does appear to crush the player, it's only a few button presses away to either use some of your many healing items or reload a save point from only a few steps earlier. With a White Mage in tow, you might not even need to buy items, as it would be entirely possible for some regular cure spell spamming to keep your party healthy for an entire dungeon. 

All of these changes to the foundation actually nullify the game that was designed to be played in Final Fantasy I, and the experience of playing it becomes little more than just something you kind of keep playing and eventually win at. It's sad really, especially when considering how Final Fantasy Origin introduced many excellent tweaks to make the game more player friendly without compromising its essence. The Final Fantasy I PSP remake indicates to me that the developers did not have a firm understanding of what random battles were intended to actually add to the game, and with that in mind, it doesn't surprise me that Square Enix would design Final Fantasy XIII to be completely without the random encounters and resource management that was so prevalent in the series' roots. 

For the record, just to offer some contrast, I personally found the SNES and GBC remakes of Dragon Quest I to be wonderfully more accessible versions of the game while still keeping random encounters relevant threatening.



Fortunately, many RPGs in recent years have been either using random battles correctly or opting to not use them at all. Series like Etrian Odyssey and Shin Megami Tensei have made great strides in utilizing random battles for the benefit of the game and not just for the sake of bloat, which makes it no surprise that these games have found their own niche audiences so easily. Despite all the clichés about jRPGs and anime tropes, the genre has become diverse enough to appeal to many different types of gamers, and it's only good for the industry that there are plenty of jRPGs out there to appeal to people who vehemently hate random battles no matter how well they're used.

But at the same time, while I eagerly await Bravely Default and welcome its various difficulty settings, let's not pretend that this is some kind of cure-all for the problems with random battles. If we are so eager to suggest how to wholesale fix a classic convention of the jRPG genre, it would be best to understand what is actually broken in the first place.
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Ever since I started blogging here around the beginning of the year, I've been thinking I should keep away from talking about personal drama or struggles for the sake of my own (joyful)sanity. For this month, I think it's for the best that should change.

Keep in mind that this blog is not actually where I'll go into detail. I just wanted to give a casual "catching up with JoyfulSanity" since I frankly burnt myself out with my Ys Buyer's Guide last week. I mean, I'm happy I've written it to refer to when I don't feel like repeating myself when people ask about the series, but that damn thing wound up being over 3,500 words, man. That's more words than four Top Ten Sexiest Dtoiders right there. So yeah, I wanted to do something a little more low-key just so no one will think I've fallen off the earth.



Anyway, last December, a lot of small things happened to be me that, individually, would have been bearable, but all together they broke me and my usually cheerful demeanor like you wouldn't believe. As much as I hate to admit it, these things still affect me a full year later, so I guess what I thought were flesh wounds have turned into full blown scars. I don't want to build this up as a tale of unprecedented misfortune, because in the grand scheme of things, what I've gone through is relatively trivial and perhaps even common. Yet with the anniversary of all this personal baggage looming closer, it has been all I've thought about.

I've actually become so caught up in my angst that I've been having trouble keeping my wit sharp enough to post comments on blogs and news stories around here. I don't know if that sounds conceited, but I actually can't bring myself to post something if I feel a mental fog is keeping my words from being as funny or informative as they should be. I guess there are benefits to having a perfectionist approach to even little things like internet comments and blog posts, but it is kind of crummy from the perspective of being an active member of a community. I apologize to any peeps who have written stellar blogs that should have gotten a fap and a comment from me, and I hope to make up for the lack of ego stroking at some point in the future. 

So basically, I figured that, instead of falling off Dtoid until my funk passes, I should instead at least attempt to do something about it just to see where it takes me. To be more specific, I hope to deviate from my regularly scheduled programming and write two or three blogs about stuff that's been happening in my life and how videogames and even Destructoid have kept me from descending too far into madness. I want to clarify that I'm not in trouble or anything, as there are plenty of others on this site that are in much more need of prayers and support than I am. But at best, I do hope to at least clear my head and ideally give a forum for some people who might be having a hard time with these trivial-except-secretly-not things that I've been dealing with. I know that feelings of isolation and solitude have been the biggest culprits of what has gotten me down all this time, so seeing even a random stranger go "hey, me too!" can be strangely comforting. Hell, even reading this Onion article made me feel better about a lot of things.



Of course, on top of all of this is the Christmas season, which really has no right to be as stressful as it is. I mean, it's easy to do holiday shopping for friends and family who are gamers, since I basically live and breathe game sale prices on the daily. But otherwise, figuring out what's useful and in a budget to give someone can occasionally be like finding a needle in a haystack that's also on top of an erupting volcano. This also is probably another symptom of me putting way too much thought into little things, so I should get that checked out or something.

While I'm writing about miscellaneous things, I'd like to give a heartfelt, long overdue thanks to all you guys who have been reading the things I write and leaving nice, intelligent comments. I still feel like a newbie around here just because of my relative time being active, but at the same time I've always felt part of the proverbial family and I'll eventually go into detail about how amazing that's been for me. I'd also like to give a shout to 4th sexiest Dtoider Mr. Andy Dixon for putting my glitches blog on the front page. Seeing my words all dolled up and edited under the Destructoid banner  was incredible, and knowing that my silly thoughts might have brought some form of joy to a wide audience was just incredible. Really, I've been in and out of many communities in my time, and while there are always some guys who make me shake my head, most of y'all are the nicest people I've ever talked to. 



That's it from me. If you've been following my work, I hope my change in tone won't be too alarming or anything, and I promise that I'm okay and probably much better off than I might have sounded. If you haven't been following my work, well... like, comment, and subscribe? Or don't. That's like, your opinion man.

Until next time,

Joyful "My momma called me Joyful and married into an excellent last name" Sanity
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If you asked me to fill out a list of ten reasons why I come to Destructoid, numbers one through nine would probably be a picture of Marlon Brando riding a polar bear which is wearing a jetpack made of shotguns. But at number ten, I'd probably write "mad sex appeal yo" in very tiny letters.

Destructoid may like to keep Quiet about the sheer attractiveness of its staff and regulars, but I'm here to balance the scale by showcasing some of the community's finest eye candy. Since I'm a 100% objective journalist, you can rest easy knowing that the following opinions stick strictly to the facts. Break out the smooth jams and get ready to be seduced.


10: Jonathan Holmes

Jonathan Holmes made videogame history with his breakout appearance in Wario Ware Dance Dance Man (see above) by showing that men in gaming can be sexy without being sexualized. Although his videogame appearances since then have been mild, he more than makes up for it by occasionally stripping inside peoples' mouths. It is said that women can't resist talking to him about videogames.


9: Benny Disco

Benny Disco is a frog. In fact, some might go as far as to say that he's an amazing frog. And as you may know, frogs turn into handsome princes after being kissed by princesses. In other words, if you even try to argue that Benny Disco isn't sexy, you're objectively wrong, so suck on that.

Having said that, considering that Benny Disco is still a frog, he is both handsome and available. Singles, where you at?


8: Hamza Aziz

No description available. Or possible.


7: ShadeOfLight

Dark. Menacing. Mysterious. Could potentially kill me on contact. There are all phrases that might go through one's head when gazing upon ShadeOfLight. But once you break through his rugged exterior, you will be surprised to find that he enjoys cute Nintendo games and Eevees. More like TsundereOfLight, mirite? (That was funny because it rhymed)


6.5: Chris Carter

Chris Carter is Destructoid's irresistible bad boy. He doesn't care what the other critics think; he'll give games low scores just to fight the system, man. I mean, just look at these controversial review scores. Clickbait? More like CHRISbait, because we all know the real reason people keep coming back to comment on his reviews. And that is because he's sexy. And bad. Those were the things I assumed you would have guessed.


5: JoyfulSanity

I swear I don't know how this got here.


4: Mr. Andy Dixon

What can one say about Mr. Andy Dixon? Well, first of all, he's got Mr. in his name, which implies that he's a grown man, and grown-ups are sexy. Also, Dixon could be shortened to Dix, which sounds like Dicks, which is code for penis. And... umm... something about a bathrobe? I don't know, all I know is that this guy is definitely sexy, and his place on this list has nothing to do with me trying to win favor with the Community Director. 


3: Script

Whoa. Whoa. 18+ warning up in here guys. Look at Script, just standing on a pedestal, flaunting his body shamelessly for all to see. His figure is so in-your-face that you might not notice his subtle curves or his seductive smile, which are all vital details when considering why he is Destructoid's third sexiest member. I'd recommend approaching Script with a canvas and paintbrush, because you will undoubtedly want to make art when in his presence.


2: Dale North

Dale North is an actual dog that works for Destructoid. At least, I think he is, since all his articles contain photos of him and the other dogs he interviews for exclusive videogame coverage. Dale North manages to play and review jRPGs despite lacking opposable thumbs, and that is the very definition of sexy. Actually, that doesn't sound right at all. What is this a top ten list of again?

--

... Okay, so, I need to figure out a number one spot that won't cause controversy and will still be satisfying to everyone who reads it. Umm... 

... well... okay I got it!


1: Everyone Else

That's right, if your name hasn't been mentioned so far, that is because you are tied for the dubious honor of being the sexiest member of Destructoid! There is just so much sexiness and so little time to bask in it all, so just know that, if you're reading this, then you are undoubtedly among the elite in sexiness and you should be proud of yourself.

"But wait JoyfulSanity, if everyone else constitutes Destructoid's sexiest members, wouldn't that make the previous entries on the list the least sexy Dtoiders?"

Excellent question, and my response is... well...

...

SHIT.
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