Here's a another Halo 3 article I just wrote, at 3 in the morning, for one of the longest-running college newspapers in the country, the Sewanee Purple. The assignment was to be "over the top" and "funny" which translates into "blatantly rip-off The Onion." My mom was right -- I am a no-talent hack!

A little background -- I go to Sewanee, The University of the South (yes, that's it's real name; no, it's not a joke; yes, there are black people here). It's on top of a plateau in the Cumberland Mountains -- pretty isolated. Hence, the Bubble. The Vice-Chancellor's a twat, but that's not really relevant. Here's the article:

Those of you with girlfriends may not know this, but Halo 3, the testerone-fueled love child of Microsoft Game Studios and it’s subsidiary, Bungie Studios, came out last week. It was kind of a big deal.

How big of a deal, you ask? Well, it grossed $170 million within the first 24 hours of its release. I don’t know much about math, but I do know that 170 million is way higher than I can count, even if use my fingers and toes.

Furthermore, the release of Halo 3 caused massive damage at the offices of competitor Sony Computer Entertainment: Chairman Kaz Hirai spontaneously combusted and President Jack Tretton chewed his legs off. Both were immediately stricken with impotency.

But the throngs of fuzzy-knuckled Halotards™ already knew this. More interestingly, though, is just how far Halo fever has spread, and the resulting social implications.

Dr. Celeste Ray, chair of the Anthrolpology department weighs in: “The social structures and customs that have been built up by Halo 3 are really interesting. Halo “culture” seems to consist mostly of energy drinks, nicotine, and the ability to be horribly rude behind an internet identity. Homophobia and racism abound.”.

Another defining aspect of the Haloverse™ is the act of “teabagging” the still-warm, bullet-ridden corpses of one’s opponents as a means of humiliation. Teabagging someone involves squatting over their dead body and bouncing up and down as fast as possible, like the first, tiny delirium tremors of a four-month-old fetal alcohol victim.

“It is, essentially, the mortification of Hector by Achilles for geeked-out white kids, a way to braggadociously compensate for daddy issues ” says Ray. “I think there may be lewder connotations, but the jury’s still out.”

Nevertheless, Vice-Chancellor Joel Cunningham has entered the fray. “I’ve been playing Halo for years,” says Cunningham. “Up until the release of Halo 3, I use to hold regular Halo 2 tourneys. It was a great way to meet people. I’ve been teabagging Sewanee students for years.”

The irrational dedication routinely displayed by fans of the series is another interesting phenomenon, explains Ray. “You wouldn’t believe how upset Joel got when he found out that Master Chief dies at the end. Geez, you would’ve thought that Bill Gates personally came over and killed his pets or something.”

Vice-Chancellor Cunningham has won a total of six Halos during his long, illustrious career. He can be found winning the Halos on Xbox Live under the alias “Roncore.”

Colette may have beaten me to the punch, but a slipshod gallery photo doesn't do this lovely creation justice. This hot piece comes courtesy of Craftster, and was made by some girl with too much time on her hands for some very lucky dude. While she maintains that it took her several hours, my friend Andrea assures me that she's just being a whiny cunt. Either way, this thing is fucking awesome.

Like an anthropomorphic seahorse, I will bear the first child of anyone who makes me one of these.

Nick has graciously set up an appointment at with the guys at Insomniac for me to interview this Saturday at PAX. Obviously, the interview will only be as good as its interviewer and the questions he brings.

So don't expect much.

In any case, what do you guys want to hear from Insomniac? There's no point in us flying ourselves all over the country if you readers don't care about the information we bring back. So, what do YOU want to know? Tell me, and I'll try to find out.

That’s right, they can suck it long and hard because I just beat Minesweeper on Expert for the first time in my life. No, there were no fireworks, no champagne, and I didn’t instantly orgasm, but I did feel a sense of accomplishment.

But who cares, it’s just Minesweeper, right? WRONG! Minesweeper is a sadistic creature, the kind of guy that leaves wads of money on the ground and then, as you stoop to pick them up, jumps out of the bushes screaming, “AHA! Gotcha, motherfucker!”

Then, of course, he explodes, killing you and half a dozen innocent bystanders, leading me to conclude that the only way to really beat the unholy creation that is Minesweeper is to never play it. Because as soon as I try to beat my score, he’ll just trap me again, killing more innocents in the process. Maybe even my dog.

Minesweeper may be the physical manifestation of Satan’s pubes, essence of newt, and Bananaphone all mixed into one cursed being, but I have vanquished it, and I’m never looking back.

Since Final Fantasy IV DS was announced back in May, we've only seen pretty pictures of it, with very little actual news. Well, today's no different, as a new Shonen Jump scan only teases but doesn't enlighten.

However, as bonus, the lovable chaps over at SiliconEra have whipped a few comparison photos for our enjoyment and wonderment. The CGI renditions of Cecil, Rosa, Kain stay true to the original SNES concept art, and the in-game, 3D graphics look even better than those in Final Fantasy III DS. Also, just to clear the air: Rosa is a hottie.

A refresher for those who may've missed it:

Matrix Software (the studio that did FFIII) will be in charge of the re-make, and the same graphics engine will be used.

The original game only included about 25% of the intended script, but the DS version will include it in its entirety.

As much as I complain about it, I love Final Fantasy III DS, and I'm confident that Matrix will do another fine job with IV. The extra content sounds nice, too.

So, what do you guys think? Are you down with replaying FFIV? Or, if you missed the first time around (like me), will you be watching out for this?

Against my better judgment, I'm going to jump the hoops necessary to gain access to that last dungeon and secret job class, even though I know full well that the Mognet system was shoehorned into an otherwise well-designed game at the last moment. Who wants to help me perpetuate horrible industry behavior in the name of perfectionism?

Anybody? You there! I know you have this game, so tell me your friend code so that I can send you dirty messages.

Mine happens to be 399536588015, which is Klingon "enormous fuck-all wanker."

No, but seriously, post your friend code in the comments, and we can all pretend like Nintendo has a firm grasp on how to run an online system.