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Jon Hartley avatar 7:29 PM on 06.25.2009  (server time)
Games and Crap (inFAMOUS edition)

So, as an underachieving blogger here at Dtoid, I’ve decided to find some of the barriers that keep me from blogging more often, and systematically eliminate them like some sort of genocidal dictator. Only, instead of leaving death and destruction in my wake, I will hopefully leave smiles and heaps upon heaps of comments from adoring readers. Or at least a half-dozen comments from really bored people who just feel bad that I’m not getting any comments. Whatever.

Most of the time, I don’t blog because when I do blog, I spend a couple of hours really thinking everything through, writing my post, etc. Sometimes, I just want to spew out some random thoughts like so much bile into the vomit receptacle that is the internet. In those cases, I’ll write an installment of “Games and Crap”. This way, I can write about a few different things, be more active in the Destructoid community, and maybe one day reach my ultimate goal of joining the ranks of Jim Sterling and Samit “the other guy here who likes sports games” Sarkar as an editor of this fine place. But enough about me…let’s get on to my biased opinions that I will oh-so-boldly state as fact:

inFAMOUS Doesn’t Suck, Other Than the Caps in the Title

Perhaps you were under the impression that inFAMOUS was an overrated piece of trash. Maybe you thought that it was just another AAA title gone wrong; yet another big game that doesn’t meet expectations. It could be that you thought that the formatting of the title was stupid, too.

Well, you’re wrong. Er…except about that last thing.

I picked up inFAMOUS as part of a sweet “buy 2 PS3 games, get 1 free” sale. I wasn’t even that interested in it, actually. However, given my fairly-strict policy of not picking up anything but exclusives for the PS3, I gave it a chance.

And guess what, you jerks? It’s fun. That’s right. The game that you mocked, slighted, insulted, persecuted and then forced to carry a cross before torturing it to death is FUN. No matter how badly you ridiculously biased haters wanted me to rip this game out of my system, break it into a zillion pieces and give it a “burial at sea” courtesy of my toilet, I overcame the odds.

But, this isn’t about me or my triumphant story of perseverance and bravery. This is about inFAMOUS, and how there is a lot of fun to be had zapping the shit out of bad guys and innocents alike, blowing crap up, gliding along power lines and somehow floating around in the fucking air occasionally, and pissing off Cole’s wet blanket girlfriend. If you had previously written off this game, give it a chance, with these caveats:

1. Play as an evil duder. Don’t mess around with trying to save all the idiot NPCs writhing around in pain and otherwise acting like despicable human turds. Instead, fry them! Fry them all!

2. Give it a try on “normal” difficulty. I’m not that great at shooters, and I rarely die playing as an evil Cole on normal. I heard a lot of complaints about the enemies being too accurate or Cole feeling underpowered, and I have to wonder if those fine folks were playing on a harder difficulty level, or whether they have opposable thumbs, for that matter.

I make no guarantees about the quality of the Sesame Street morality system, or that there will be no repetition in the types of side quests you’ll encounter. But, unlike Assassin’s Creed, most of the repetition involves fun things to do. Like frying the crap out of people.

Confession: I Never Beat Mike Tyson

I have a lot of skeletons in my gamer closet. For one, for many years I was more of a casual gamer. Not in respect to the games that I play, mind you. More in the respect of the amount of time I played games, which was somewhere between “zero” and “not nearly as much as now”. I never owned an SNES, never was a big fan of JRPGs (so I missed out on many games that most of you known inside and out), and generally played sports games. I think it’s a good idea to get it all out in the open, you know? Cleanse myself of gaming sins, if you will. So, every now and then, I’ll make a confession. Here goes.

I never beat Mike Tyson. In fact, I never even really got to him when I was a kid and Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out was actually a new game. Years later I made it to him, but I could never get past the opening uppercuts. Maybe once I did, but I didn’t last much longer than that.

I know, I know: when he flashes, dodge! Dodge! DODGE! But I can’t. I’m too twitchy. I get jumpy, and I’m dodging when he’s not doing anything in anticipation of him knocking my head off, and then he actually does punch, and I’m at the end of a dodge and get floored by a huge uppercut.

I like Punch-Out. I actually love it, it’s one of my favorite games of all time. That’s why my inability to beat Iron Mike stands out as such a glaring flaw on my already very flawed gaming resume. I enjoy beating Glass Joe’s ass, and beating the crap out of Von Kaiser, and knocking Bald Bull’s dick in the dirt, but the fun all comes to a halt when I face Tyson. Now, when I do play it, I feel like a man who is living a lie.

RIP Michael Jackson, Leave Your Molester Jokes in the Comments (le sigh)

Thanks for “Thriller”. Well, thanks for pretty much everything previous to “Bad”. You guys can rant all you want about molestation allegations and a crazy white dude with a skinny Skeletor nose and pet giraffe. Black Michael Jackson was the man, and he was somewhere inside that husk that passed away today. I would ask for a seven-day amnesty and ceasefire from little boy molesting jokes, but I know that’s not realistic.

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