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Johnny Luchador avatar 10:38 AM on 05.04.2011  (server time)
The Anatomy of A Jar of Pickles: Written by Johnny Best Selling Author x 4

A little different than a normal Johnny Luchador Lunch Time Review Special for $4.99, but since its been a dry week for "stellar" games to review, we're gonna change things up a little bit. Today I review those who Judge a Game by its Cover.
People don't know how to have fun with games anymore. It's sad, I mean, really sad. Today everyone will look at a picture or a video of a game, and immediately throw a brick through a window to voice their opinion negatively on something they haven't yet to experience. Honestly, it pisses me off. It's like a sports fan saying someones team sucks before a season even starts, then that team that supposedly sucks ends up winning the championship. You've all heard the spill about walking in 10 foot of snow in your underwear to catch a school bus that your grandpa tells you when you bitch and whine, well here's a reality check, I've climbed that mountain. Call me old school, or just old, but when I grew up we had Atari, Nes, Genesis, Sega CD, 32X, SNES, Neo Geo, Jaguar, and so on. I didn't wake up one day to have my first system be a Playstation or a Xbox 360. Hell nah, when we wanted to play something that had "next gen" graphics, we had to walk our happy asses to an Arcade (remember those?) and spend quarters to play about 2 minutes before we had to insert more coins.

Games have improved over the years, there's been some bad ones, there's been some alright ones, there's been some fantastic ones. But the 1 thing I've learned over the years is to keep my mouth shut until I've actually experienced the game. Then, and only then can I have the right to give an opinion that amounts to anything.

I think my fondest memory of a bad game was this title called S.O.S, I think thats what it was titles, it was for SNES.

confimed, gonna take ya to da mooobies

As a child, anything that kept my attention span active was a successful game. However, It's really the first game that I started to play and went, "seriously, what the holy hell is this?" You basically were on a boat/cruise ship/noah's ark, that was sinking. I think you were suppose to save people, or get off the boat. Anywho, long story short, as bad as this title was, I can't tell you how much fun my friends and I had, taking the character we were given, climbing to this tall ladder up the very side of the inside of the vessel, up onto a ledge about 100 stories high it seemed, then leaping to our deaths shouting things like "holy shit this is totally rad" or " bitchin camero!". We must have killed that poor bastard over 800 times.

"you speak the r-truth brotha!"

I believe that was the point in my life, where I realized, you don't have to play a game and follow the rules of it to have fun, you can totally go within your own little world, and have some of the most memorable experiences ever in gaming.

My life completely changed from this moment forth. Every game was now a target. It didn't matter what other people thought about it, because 99% of the comments people made hadn't even played it, and were just voicing opinions that were about as credible as Sasquatch trying to use a debit card. -Authors side note: Sorry, that would just be incredibly rad if I saw Sasquatch trying to buy jeans at the GAP. I asked myself then, as I ask myself now, "what can I do to make this hilarious and memorable?" Being from the south, we had a Nascar game (note: we didnt' install it, it came on the computer) on the PC we owned at the time.

Oops is not what this guy wanted to hear

Green Light went off, my car stood still while the other cars drove around me, then I hit it in reverse, did a 180, and started driving the wrong direction. The poor leader of the pack #24 a fresh new comer at the time, didn't know what hit him at 200 mph as he flipped and knocked out around 15 more drivers. I basically made the game demolition derby before it was even thought about on PS1. Doom deathmatch now became see how long I can follow behind a guy punching him in the head before he starts typing hateful things at me (editors note: There use to not be a thing called a headset that you could shout into, you had to type your anger in CAPS). Now I know, you're gonna say, "Johnny, you're a griefer" and my response, "I'm like David Blaine, make this shit all disappear", only for you to be confused and me to steal your wallet and pour the contents over your head.

I get my powers from double A batteries

But that's not the point. The point is, you can take any game, be it the graphics are bad, the frame rate is bad, the sound is bad, the milks gone bad, the grandma kicked the bucket put her in the freezer bad, or even the mechanics are bad, and you can make it worth your time. After you get your kicks and laughter, then you can tell people, this game was terrible. But make sure you share your funny moments of altering the main goal. I review a lot of titles, but I make a point to have good humor with my thoughts and not try to bury something. As a wise musician who now has really big britches and never calls me anymore once told me about a bus full of groupies, "you can't hate on it, til you hit it". I take this to heart, and I think more people in society should give up on being ignorant and look at the big picture, especially in the gaming industry.

I had to put a family friendly picture here, cause I can't post pictures of girls doing immoral things on a bus

I was playing Gears of War 3 beta last night, when someone started talking trash about Brink. It's not even out yet. But he felt that his ability to see the future better than a Jamaican fortune teller really meant he could persuade people not to play it. So after listening to his rant, I proceeded to follow him, and only him, rev'n up my chainsaw gun. Finally, after 10 minutes of him hearing chainsaw in his ear, he stopped moving, asked me, "what the hell is your problem?!", which I told him, "my problem is that you have been ranting for 10 minutes only for everyone on your team to abandon you and I felt that I should contribute noise in your ear for your rambling" Then he yelled at me, and I blew up frag grenades around him, and told him until he starts having fun he's in time out. He either went to bed cause his mom was mad, or he just realized he was a dipshit, and left the match. Everyone in the session, was so happy that I had gotten rid of this guy (who had been talking trash about the game and other titles not even out yet for the past 8 matches) that the next match we stood around in a circle on Murderball and let the sign fall on us. Cause that's Teamwork, and that's what fun is all about.

To Conclude I'm saying this: You bunch of Hipster Hippie Scenester Jock Wieners; (insert other uncool thing) can sit down and stop acting like elitist Assholes. Just keep your negative nancyness to yourself until you have some credibility or have experienced the title in full. There's already too many opinions out there as is, but all you're doing is making yourself look like a jackass without any credibility, so would you like Paper or Plastic with that?

I give those people:

Rem Lezar singing so society can be a better place.

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