So you may be wondering, just where the hell has Johnny Luchador been? Where have the posts vanished off to? Well I've been busy being a Grown Ass Man, busy Streaming on the Destructoid Twitch channel, and well, wrestling small mammals. Anywho, I figured the best way to return to the world of internet literature is to give you guys a Lucha review. Let's just start this post out with the following.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no legs.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no arms.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman who was blind.
I didn't have sex with a burn victim, thats actually a lie
and I had sex with a mute.
Now you may be asking, "what in the holy hotdog hell are you babbling about?!"
That's right folks, I just got finished playing...er clicking through Katawa Shoujo
. Now you're saying, "is that the game where you try to date/sex Handi-capped Animes?" Which my response is, "unfortunately, yes it is. I had no clue what this game even was and was told it was actually the sequel to Demolition Man with Wesley Snipes."
To my dismay, Wesley Snipes is not in this game, nor is Hans Gruber, Simon Gruber, Randy Savage, Mr Belvedere, or Jackie Chan. But Harry Potter is in this game.
So what would possess a man to download this Free game about hooking up with women with disabilities? The answer is simple and in two parts. The first reason is because it's free and who couldn't pass up a free game. The second is, well, I honestly don't know how to say it in a way without pissing off someone so I'll just review it and you make your own damn decisions.
From what I understand, you're this dude named Jamal Jeffries. You somehow have a heart attack under a tree because you're a ding dong who probably eats fast food for every meal. The next thing you know you're in this school/hospital thing run by none other than Dr Gregory House. I guess because you have heart problems or you're actually the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. So things pan into a classroom where you meet, Anime 1 and Anime 2. They talk alot, you click alot, and then you begin to wonder, "this game would be so much cooler with less talking and more people getting scissor kicked while an animated version of Carl Weathers arm wrestles anime bears or squids."
After clicking about 15 minutes straight, I get knocked down by some chick in the hall. To my amazement...the girl...was no other than Lieutenant Dan's daughter. We'll call her Sprinkles the Kid. Anywho, yadda yadda, next thing I know, she is best friends with Girl with No Arms....Then I stopped. I wondered to myself what it would be like if this was a sitcom because it would be the number 1 watched show on TV. More clicking...then you're at a track meet. Sprinkles the Kid is there.
She Literally Runs Track Meet with the Flippy Floppy Leggy Things.
She beats Ghost Rider in a race, and you end up telling her how Radical she is.
Things get hot and heavy, and now I'm having intercourse with a legless Sprinkles the Kid in a woodshed.
Mentally disturbed, I decided to backtrack I didn't understand how or what in Gods name just occurred.
Luckily, there's a Save feature where you can save the "choose your own adventure" directives.
So we go back in time without Marty and Doc, and I start frantically clicking again. Now, my goal here is figure out how to prevent "hooking" up with Animes, and instead finish my schooling to become Ruler of the Moon. The Hardy Boys and Nacy Drew will never solve the mystery of Old Man McGreggor and the Abandoned Coal Mine.
So to let you waste some thinking about the complexity of it all, here is a picture of more stumps and not the Zombie.
I stumbled on some more, but...I clicked the wrong things...and I ended up with the Dark Knight with no Arms.
The Story goes on, and on, and on. I maybe read 4 words. I learned that
YOU SLEEP ALOT. LIKE YOU'RE A NARCOLEPTIC INSOMNIAC.
Did I mention there's a girl with no arms?
I could go on more explaining the horrors of this abomination, but here in the South,
I can only describe my experience with this game like so.
I'm too old for this shit.
*note Katawa Shoujo translates roughly to Mexican Tortilla Soldier.