Review: Deadly Towers, the game that no Towers were Harmed in the making

Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I didn't really see anything worth playing and reviewing this week that was of our current Generation. At first I dug around my collection of Tiger Hand Held games. After hours of trying to get batteries to get any of them to work, only to fail because I didn't have a screw driver, then to dust off the old NES only because there's a bagillion games that never get reviewed or never got the justice they truly deserved.

At first I though this was Rambo, then Swamp Thing, then I realized it wasn't Platoon, but Bayoo Billy.
Well after talking to the brotheren of the Chillbros, a Poll was taken, lots of requests for all sorts of reviews including for me to review Billy Crystal in City Slickers 2 the search for Curlys Gold

it was decided that I play a game that I've never heard of in my entire span of gaming...3 weeks.
The game...Deadly Towers. Yea, sounds really spooky and deadly and shit.

Move the fuck over, this game just totally ran up and took 18 lbs of apples from the Grocery Store, swung them around its head in the eco friendly tote bag, and tossed them at the Tenis Ball Gun with American Gladiator Malibu manning it, exploding the Target behind him, leaving him in smoke.

I'm so Handsome you're gonna wanna smang me til 4 in da mornin
And I'll be honest, When I played this game, I use to imagine our main hero was Malibu, because it gave the poor bastard a little bit of credit from his poor decision to be every contestants bitch.
Here's what this game is about.
On a Tuesday Night out in East Compton at a coronation ceremony, a master magician Prince Myer(Malibu) sits at the corner booth of a Dennys to ponder the future of the kingdom(i.e. the Burger King Play Pit) Suddenly, this guy rises from the lake looking like William Defoe. Although he doesn't identify himself, it's clear as hell he was the Green Goblin and a gay guy in Boondock Saints. He tells Malibu that Ruben Studdard is preparing to overtake Willner Kingdom by using seven magic bells capable of summoning an army of monsters(people who have no taste in good music)

Remember me? Deez b my 4 Bells, I still need 3 more

Blah blah blah, skip some storyline, you basically have to burn down a bunch of Bell towers because Arson is cool in the olden days before it was a crime.
But onto what I thought about this adventure in the womens restroom at Red Lobster.

Graphics: Simple, amazing, simple, so much color sprites that I had to put my Tom Selleck Blue Blockers on. Makes me want to curl up with Wendy Cooper and listen to Saxaphone.
This game gets
5.7 Dinosaucers


Mechanics: Move, with dpad, a button, b button, select and start. Thats all you need. I didn't have 1 glitch the entire adventure, I was able to burn down the towers, celebrate with my kingdom of West Virginia, vote for some Prop # that let people live in Tree Houses with tire swings and a sign that says no girls/boys aloud. Which my ideal house would be a Couch Pillow Fortress with a sign that says only Cool Dudes and Awesome Babes aloud.
The Mechanics get Kofi Kingstons Theme song redone to say, "S.O.S. Gonna take you to da Mooooveeeeeys"


ACTUAL GAME FOOTAGE!!! WOWOW


Music: Beep boop Beep beep boooooooooooooooppppp, widdly widdly wooooooooooooo
Thats basically it, it's like listening to a nokia cell phone default ring over and over.
57930 copies of Dick Tracy the Movie Soundtrack.


Final Verdict: One day, we will all have to choose...Let our Kingdom be over thrown, or burn down a bunch of towers with the power of love and Huey Lewis and the News.
I chose Hip to Be Square x 44


I played this game for a total of 33 minutes 15 seconds before my nintendo. grew legs and walked away, so I decided to watch my favorite movie of all time