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Johnny Luchador avatar 7:20 PM on 03.22.2011  (server time)
Review: Crysis 2 "the Syfy Channel Original Movie game"

Hi my name is Crysis, I was this PC game that you had to spend like a bagillion Chuck E Cheese tokens, to get enough tickets to buy a PC to run it. But then the gods of Showbiz Pizza

decided to give the middle man a break and say, "Kazaam" faster than Shaq, and throw this game onto our Consoles. Well, part two at least.

When I first saw this game, I was like, wait one second here, I know this game is visually good looking, but why do I keep thinking I'm sitting on my couch on a Sunday afternoon watching this on SyFy channel.

Guy in Robosuit thingy from Space: Check
African American friend who will die at some point in this experience: Check
The first game you're Nomad, the game took place in like the Jungle of South America or maybe in one of the backyards of somewhere in Eastern Kentucky. This game takes place in a broken down exploded New York.

You're in a Nanosuit. Is it just me or do all Nanosuits look uncomfortable? I bet those things feel like when you put on a pair of pants with pleats in them.There's nothing more sucky than getting stuck wearing a pair of pants your mom bought you for christmas that has pleats and you look like you have a boner every time you sit down. Alcatraz (the protagonist) seems lost and wondering why the hell he's in this nanosuit. I would feel the same way if I woke up and someone put my shirt on backwards, one shoe missing, and being told get out there and survive. [Side Note: who names their kid Alcatraz?] Either way you fight Robots and Aliens called CHUDS or something of that nature in really neat looking environments, lots of crumbling things, explosions, wild fires that Smokey the bear is nowhere to be seen. The AI is impressive with the dodging and running and I had to stop a few times to grab a drink of water cause I got out of breath from the gigantic combat environments. There's not alot of park benches you can actually sit on and take a break either, not even at the bus stop. I wont spoil the game for ya, so lets break it down.

Mechanics: like every other shooter, you use triggers to fire, bumpers for your super powers (no even though you have a nanosuit you can't microwave a burrito in it), analogs to move, buttons to kill things and pick up items like guns and stamps from the post office. I liked the snap aim on the analog. It handles similar to C.O.D's. I really didn't have any part of playing where I felt uncomfortable so I give this a rating of getting your tires stolen in broad daylight

"man dat Jamal done stole my tires from my off road vehicle"

Graphics: Well you know the graphics are great. Lighting effects are one thing I noticed. The cool thing is the lighting is so well developed I stopped using lamps and ceiling fixtures in my home, I just used my TV to give the effect of sunlight coming into my basement that has no windows.I got annoyed with my guy blocking the light, so I kept cloaking him. And back to serenity now.
I give it 6 Frank Costanzas

MUSIC: Hans Zimmer. What more can I say. You could have a game where it's just a pixel on a black screen moving left and right, but throwing the musical stylings of Hans Zimmer makes it Oscar worthy.
I enjoyed the original score. However, Crysis 2 does not feature any of his past works, its all his new stuff, so don't get upset when you don't hear the soundtrack to the Lion King.

you can print this picture out and color it for your grandma, or impress your friends with your mad skills.

or get mad that Nicolas Cage dressed as a wizard fighting convicts and punching women dressed as a bear with Sean Connery isn't included in this game.

"ey, check this out, I'm a wizard, this water gives me more needed Mana and hit points"
I will say, as much as I enjoy Hans Zimmer, holy crap, think about if the Rock-aFire Explosion played the soundtrack. Fatz Geronimo and Beach Bear giving a thumbs up at the end of the credits would have made me feel a little more fulfilled in life.

the music gets a random heavy set african american sitting on a bench near a rundown airport hanger playing a harmonica

MULTIPLAYER: I died alot, 1 hit kills with melee is a turn off. The ranking upgrades is cool, but again, I died alot because I was too focused on super moon jumping and running around screaming lines from Starship Troopers.

Nothing out of the ordinary for me though. It gets a sadistic kid playing with a modded easy bake oven

batteries not included

Final Verdict: As much as I enjoyed playing through a SyFy mini series movie thing, can we really just have something new? This game is pretty cool, but I didn't see anything about it that stood above and beyond all the other first person shooters I've been playing. I swear, the dude has a nanosuit. This game needs the option where you can grab hold of an enemy and swing them around like a ball bat or Toss them into outer space or through the window of a rental car. That my friends is innovative.Ultimate Warrior Promos are also innovative.

The person who invented the Pop Tart with frosting and sprinkles, now that person is innovative.
This game gets 36 foot dive into a 12" kiddie pool

NOTE: *I only played like 2 hours of this game.Then stopped to kill this spider that was on the ground, which I totally think I got him cause I rolled around on the ground like I was on fire and pretty much solved the problem. I think at the end you all go out for ice cream. I'd like to imagine that's what happens.

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