So you may be wondering, just where the hell has Johnny Luchador been? Where have the posts vanished off to? Well I've been busy being a Grown Ass Man, busy Streaming on the Destructoid Twitch channel, and well, wrestling small mammals. Anywho, I figured the best way to return to the world of internet literature is to give you guys a Lucha review. Let's just start this post out with the following.

I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no legs.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no arms.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman who was blind.
I didn't have sex with a burn victim, thats actually a lie
and I had sex with a mute.


Now you may be asking, "what in the holy hotdog hell are you babbling about?!"
That's right folks, I just got finished playing...er clicking through Katawa Shoujo. Now you're saying, "is that the game where you try to date/sex Handi-capped Animes?" Which my response is, "unfortunately, yes it is. I had no clue what this game even was and was told it was actually the sequel to Demolition Man with Wesley Snipes."
To my dismay, Wesley Snipes is not in this game, nor is Hans Gruber, Simon Gruber, Randy Savage, Mr Belvedere, or Jackie Chan. But Harry Potter is in this game.


So what would possess a man to download this Free game about hooking up with women with disabilities? The answer is simple and in two parts. The first reason is because it's free and who couldn't pass up a free game. The second is, well, I honestly don't know how to say it in a way without pissing off someone so I'll just review it and you make your own damn decisions.


From what I understand, you're this dude named Jamal Jeffries. You somehow have a heart attack under a tree because you're a ding dong who probably eats fast food for every meal. The next thing you know you're in this school/hospital thing run by none other than Dr Gregory House. I guess because you have heart problems or you're actually the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. So things pan into a classroom where you meet, Anime 1 and Anime 2. They talk alot, you click alot, and then you begin to wonder, "this game would be so much cooler with less talking and more people getting scissor kicked while an animated version of Carl Weathers arm wrestles anime bears or squids."

After clicking about 15 minutes straight, I get knocked down by some chick in the hall. To my amazement...the girl...was no other than Lieutenant Dan's daughter. We'll call her Sprinkles the Kid. Anywho, yadda yadda, next thing I know, she is best friends with Girl with No Arms....Then I stopped. I wondered to myself what it would be like if this was a sitcom because it would be the number 1 watched show on TV. More clicking...then you're at a track meet. Sprinkles the Kid is there.
She Literally Runs Track Meet with the Flippy Floppy Leggy Things.
See

She beats Ghost Rider in a race, and you end up telling her how Radical she is.
Things get hot and heavy, and now I'm having intercourse with a legless Sprinkles the Kid in a woodshed.

Mentally disturbed, I decided to backtrack I didn't understand how or what in Gods name just occurred.
Luckily, there's a Save feature where you can save the "choose your own adventure" directives.
So we go back in time without Marty and Doc, and I start frantically clicking again. Now, my goal here is figure out how to prevent "hooking" up with Animes, and instead finish my schooling to become Ruler of the Moon. The Hardy Boys and Nacy Drew will never solve the mystery of Old Man McGreggor and the Abandoned Coal Mine.
So to let you waste some thinking about the complexity of it all, here is a picture of more stumps and not the Zombie.
[/img]

I stumbled on some more, but...I clicked the wrong things...and I ended up with the Dark Knight with no Arms.


The Story goes on, and on, and on. I maybe read 4 words. I learned that
YOU SLEEP ALOT. LIKE YOU'RE A NARCOLEPTIC INSOMNIAC.


Did I mention there's a girl with no arms?


I could go on more explaining the horrors of this abomination, but here in the South,
I can only describe my experience with this game like so.



THE END


I'm too old for this shit.

*note Katawa Shoujo translates roughly to Mexican Tortilla Soldier.

UPDATE:

35,397,784 views

that is all.

As creative as an imagination as I've had for years, I always tend to say, I'm so gonna do this, but then I get side tracked and end up not doing something and then some jackass goes and does what I said I was gonna do before I ever get around to it. So let me be the first to throw out to the gaming community my ideas, please build on these so I can share the royalties with you.

6 Games that don't exist but should

6) Old Man On The Porch: The Game

"When I grow old, I can't wait to sit on a porch all day long and yell at people walking by." I've said this for years, before Gran Torino, before being old was cool. It's basically how it sounds. You play as an elderly man that you create: who doesn't like making old people with pants up to their belly buttons? From there you set up a metal folding chair (more chairs unlocked as you progress), and yell at people as the day passes by, occasionally getting up to throw something at someone, tell someone how the old days were, drink a beer, get up to piss unless you just want to pee yourself cause peeing your pants is da coolest, and occasional nap time. I really don't know how to explain what game it would play like, I guess it could be a Kinect Title or Move title, hell it just sounds like a drunken rampage of fun times.

If Peeing your pants is cool, just call me Miles Davis

5) Heads Up Seven Up/Red Rover Reloaded

This game was played in School for a teacher to have time to grade papers or just for filler cause they ran out of things to talk about in a subject. There was no lesson from Heads Up 7 Up, just trying to guess who tapped you on the back of the head. Now that I think about it, man I could have gotten lice from some of the kids hair I was touching. Anywho, most the time kids cheated cause we were all cheating little shits peaking at peoples shoes or faking a sneeze to get our heads up to see who was the one who thought they'd be sneaky enough to try to pull a fast one on us. I threw in Red Rover because some people have no clue what head up seven up is, so its a combo game. That's right, two effin games for your mind to go boom. The game would pretty much play like your Splinter Cells and Metal Gears, just sneak around tapping people who have their heads down on a desk in the head. But don't use too much force or you'll get suspended for busting Brian Andersons nose because he was a jerk anyways and no one liked him. Red Rover is how it sounds, run like a bastard and try to break through the line of arms, or run and do a flying clothesline or flying elbow to the nearest kids face to break through, except you get suspended because you're not suppose to be that aggressive. Then pick up Matt McDonaldson and give him a german suplex for being a stupid mark. True Story.

4) Ragin Cajun: The sequel to Bayou Billy

Not much more to say, just buy it because its Bayou Billys Sequel. You will probably get frustrated, another gaming site will give it a "9.5" because they are morons, but we all know it's worthy of a 7.5 but we'll secretly in our hearts believe it to be the greatest thing to ever grace the face of the planet. So awesome that we'll miss the second coming of Christ because we'll be too busy trying to figure out just what the hell we're doing in this game.

this could happen....

3) Couch Cushion Fort Building Championship Edition

I would play the holy shit outta this game. Seriously, Minecraft...pshhh you for babies. The real deal is Couch Fort Building. I don't need a pick axe, I got hands, hands that build fortresses of awesome. Now while some of you built your little fortresses outta pillows and blankets, you'd get to rest assured that after you were done, it was still looking good until you dismantled it...well not in Lucha's house. When my friends and I built our forts we had to stay up all night and defend it from my dad, who was a ruthless warlord throwing Encyclopedia Britannica's at our build/our faces and dumping a bucket of water on us. Yea, welcome to the Real World of Warcraft(I've never played it, but I'm sure its weak compared to getting a face full of history from a heavy book hitting you). So we'd set up trip lines and tin can alarms and prepared for the worst. That is until my little sister ran into one of our trip wires with her forehead and now has a scar from it, sorry sis. This element has to be part of the game, kind of like Clock Tower where you're just waiting for the attack.

2) Kinect Burly Man/Lumber Jack Contest

Man have I always watched those on TV and gone, holy shit this is hardcore man stuff I really want to carve a can of PBR out of a 60 lb Log and then drink motor oil out of it. It takes a true man of man to compete in these outdoor Chest Hair fests, and what better way to become a man than to stand in front of your TV wielding an imaginary Axe as you chop through firetrucks and spit grizzly bear blood onto a spectating crowd. There could be Log chucking competitions, mud bog running, log river rolling, and an arm wrestling tough man contest straight outta Over The Top! They have all these work out games on Kinect that totally do not appeal to me because they are all weightloss games. Screw that I wanna be Cut. I want to be able to pick up the back of a semi truck and flip it on its tail end because I now go by Paul Bunyan.

Oh and because a certain Dtoider wants to Karaoke really bad, we're throwing in the After the Contest Drink Mead outta things you've carved and Karaoke Contest to finish the night of festivities. I think this game just gave me a hard on.

HOT DAMN MAN STUFF!!!

1) Grave Diggers Monster Truck Sandbox Adventure
As a child I had this dream where I'd be sitting somewhere or being stuck doing some chore that I did not want to do, when all of the sudden the sound of a large engine revs and Grave Digger plows through the grocery store doing 360's crushing aisles 8-15, or Grave Digger driving through the high school gym slam dunking a basketball while on 1 tire. This is the game dreams are made of. An open world Sandbox of Destruction with a Monster Truck. It would be that game where you just can ramp over whatever or crush whatever (school buses included). I guess you could throw in a story line where you're trying to better society by bringing pure Muscle Power to society, but in the end you get the girl/guy you've been trying to impress with your awesome skills while playing a amazing keytar solo out the driver side window while fireworks shoot out the tailpipes. It doesn't have to be a giant $60 game. Just a few bucks on one of the Marketplaces. I just request that there's a bitchin rad southern rock music going on and a few Pepsi sponsor things hanging out on banners and ponys, lots of ponys.

A little different than a normal Johnny Luchador Lunch Time Review Special for $4.99, but since its been a dry week for "stellar" games to review, we're gonna change things up a little bit. Today I review those who Judge a Game by its Cover.
People don't know how to have fun with games anymore. It's sad, I mean, really sad. Today everyone will look at a picture or a video of a game, and immediately throw a brick through a window to voice their opinion negatively on something they haven't yet to experience. Honestly, it pisses me off. It's like a sports fan saying someones team sucks before a season even starts, then that team that supposedly sucks ends up winning the championship. You've all heard the spill about walking in 10 foot of snow in your underwear to catch a school bus that your grandpa tells you when you bitch and whine, well here's a reality check, I've climbed that mountain. Call me old school, or just old, but when I grew up we had Atari, Nes, Genesis, Sega CD, 32X, SNES, Neo Geo, Jaguar, and so on. I didn't wake up one day to have my first system be a Playstation or a Xbox 360. Hell nah, when we wanted to play something that had "next gen" graphics, we had to walk our happy asses to an Arcade (remember those?) and spend quarters to play about 2 minutes before we had to insert more coins.

Games have improved over the years, there's been some bad ones, there's been some alright ones, there's been some fantastic ones. But the 1 thing I've learned over the years is to keep my mouth shut until I've actually experienced the game. Then, and only then can I have the right to give an opinion that amounts to anything.

I think my fondest memory of a bad game was this title called S.O.S, I think thats what it was titles, it was for SNES.

confimed, gonna take ya to da mooobies

As a child, anything that kept my attention span active was a successful game. However, It's really the first game that I started to play and went, "seriously, what the holy hell is this?" You basically were on a boat/cruise ship/noah's ark, that was sinking. I think you were suppose to save people, or get off the boat. Anywho, long story short, as bad as this title was, I can't tell you how much fun my friends and I had, taking the character we were given, climbing to this tall ladder up the very side of the inside of the vessel, up onto a ledge about 100 stories high it seemed, then leaping to our deaths shouting things like "holy shit this is totally rad" or " bitchin camero!". We must have killed that poor bastard over 800 times.

"you speak the r-truth brotha!"

I believe that was the point in my life, where I realized, you don't have to play a game and follow the rules of it to have fun, you can totally go within your own little world, and have some of the most memorable experiences ever in gaming.

My life completely changed from this moment forth. Every game was now a target. It didn't matter what other people thought about it, because 99% of the comments people made hadn't even played it, and were just voicing opinions that were about as credible as Sasquatch trying to use a debit card. -Authors side note: Sorry, that would just be incredibly rad if I saw Sasquatch trying to buy jeans at the GAP. I asked myself then, as I ask myself now, "what can I do to make this hilarious and memorable?" Being from the south, we had a Nascar game (note: we didnt' install it, it came on the computer) on the PC we owned at the time.

Oops is not what this guy wanted to hear

Green Light went off, my car stood still while the other cars drove around me, then I hit it in reverse, did a 180, and started driving the wrong direction. The poor leader of the pack #24 a fresh new comer at the time, didn't know what hit him at 200 mph as he flipped and knocked out around 15 more drivers. I basically made the game demolition derby before it was even thought about on PS1. Doom deathmatch now became see how long I can follow behind a guy punching him in the head before he starts typing hateful things at me (editors note: There use to not be a thing called a headset that you could shout into, you had to type your anger in CAPS). Now I know, you're gonna say, "Johnny, you're a griefer" and my response, "I'm like David Blaine, make this shit all disappear", only for you to be confused and me to steal your wallet and pour the contents over your head.

I get my powers from double A batteries

But that's not the point. The point is, you can take any game, be it the graphics are bad, the frame rate is bad, the sound is bad, the milks gone bad, the grandma kicked the bucket put her in the freezer bad, or even the mechanics are bad, and you can make it worth your time. After you get your kicks and laughter, then you can tell people, this game was terrible. But make sure you share your funny moments of altering the main goal. I review a lot of titles, but I make a point to have good humor with my thoughts and not try to bury something. As a wise musician who now has really big britches and never calls me anymore once told me about a bus full of groupies, "you can't hate on it, til you hit it". I take this to heart, and I think more people in society should give up on being ignorant and look at the big picture, especially in the gaming industry.

I had to put a family friendly picture here, cause I can't post pictures of girls doing immoral things on a bus

I was playing Gears of War 3 beta last night, when someone started talking trash about Brink. It's not even out yet. But he felt that his ability to see the future better than a Jamaican fortune teller really meant he could persuade people not to play it. So after listening to his rant, I proceeded to follow him, and only him, rev'n up my chainsaw gun. Finally, after 10 minutes of him hearing chainsaw in his ear, he stopped moving, asked me, "what the hell is your problem?!", which I told him, "my problem is that you have been ranting for 10 minutes only for everyone on your team to abandon you and I felt that I should contribute noise in your ear for your rambling" Then he yelled at me, and I blew up frag grenades around him, and told him until he starts having fun he's in time out. He either went to bed cause his mom was mad, or he just realized he was a dipshit, and left the match. Everyone in the session, was so happy that I had gotten rid of this guy (who had been talking trash about the game and other titles not even out yet for the past 8 matches) that the next match we stood around in a circle on Murderball and let the sign fall on us. Cause that's Teamwork, and that's what fun is all about.

To Conclude I'm saying this: You bunch of Hipster Hippie Scenester Jock Wieners; (insert other uncool thing) can sit down and stop acting like elitist Assholes. Just keep your negative nancyness to yourself until you have some credibility or have experienced the title in full. There's already too many opinions out there as is, but all you're doing is making yourself look like a jackass without any credibility, so would you like Paper or Plastic with that?

I give those people:

Rem Lezar singing so society can be a better place.

As soon as I got my hands on this, the amazingly bad theme song from Mortal Kombat the movie began playing in my head. It brought back memories of my youth when I'd be drug to Walmart with my mother, as I would break free as soon as I got there to run to the arcade to play this game that had people fighting to the death. Then as years went by, more of the series was released, I finally said, man, this game is boring and I hate that I have to have to remember directions to pull off moves.

At first I was skeptical because after playing games like Street Fighter, Marvel Vs Capcom, Soul Caliber, etc, I had gotten use to the rolling to execute things on the d-pad. But as soon as I put this game in to my console and began the Arcade Ladder, choosing an old favorite Noob Saibot, it was a breath of fresh air. I had no clue what I was doing because I didn't have a booklet, but when I paused the game a glorious "moves list" showed up. Yes folks, you can pause at any point in the game, look up moves, fatalities, etc with this menu.



thank you moves set menu, for now I can pull people apart like tearing paper

Literally, I had no clue how to do anything, and within like 2 minutes, I was knocking the crap out of everyone who stood in my way. It was like I was possessed by the spirits of Roddy Piper and Billy Blanks.

yep, this movie DID happen
Either that or it could be that Noob Saibot is an extremely badass character, or I just got really good from actually having something show me the moves in an easy to pull off manner. I like to credit Piper and Blanks though because that is just awesome.

Mekhaniks: Warner Brothers and NetherRealms have raised the bar with this title. Everything runs very fluidly like a fine oiled machine on your grandpas cattle ranch where Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing is Produced and all the kids run around dipping celery sticks in all your hard work.
All the finishers are fantastic and surprisingly easy to pull off. The Combo system is rad, giving you some great chain moves, combo breakers and the "meter" at the bottom letting you pull off more powerful signature moves and the X-ray bone breaking moves - which can be executed by pressing the back two triggers once the bar is full. Which you can watch in this video I did - like 4 fatality spoilers here.

Awesome GAMEPLAY footage from me yea!

I only had 1 small glitch in the game while I was doing a Challenge Tower where I was Sub Zero and I was fighting Scorpion where after so many hits that you take you lose your arms, the game froze. It was probably the fact that I'd been playing this for 30 hours and Sub Zero froze the game so he could get a smoothie or call his mom and check in on her.
Test your Might, Sight, Strike, and Luck are in this game, all very fun minigames. The Test your Luck is pretty funny, I can't tell you how many times I'd have to battle with the screen upside down, no Jumping, missing my arms, and having Super Strength. But the best way to solve that is stand on your head and play that way. Thats how I did it...until I got a headache, and I realized you could press replay, and it would give you different outcomes.

But as we mentioned before the Challenge Tower is one of the more exciting features of this game. With 300 challenges, you'll have your hands full.


Okay, this is getting a little out of hand don't you think?
I give the Mekhaniks:
11 Dio's tryin to look like the Fonze


Graphiks: Beautiful is all I can say. Its so clean and the actions going on in the background can sometimes distract you from your fight because you're looking for "hidden" gems or waiting for Santa Claus to fly across the moon on the night time version of the Pit. One stage you're fighting in the streets and Cars are flying by on fire driving off cliffs and there's Dinosaurs shooting fire and Explosions.

I lost feeling in my eyes because it was totally uncanny with awesome. The Story mode is another thing that is not lacking on graphics and cut scenes. Trust Me, you'll think you've beaten it, then you realize you didn't, but you can stop playing it because it Auto Saves without telling you. - I did not know this and played it for about 6-8 hours straight. But because of my loyalty to marathon gaming and drinking a case of Little Rainbows

THE TRUE ENERGY DRINK
it kept me interested to finish it.
Dan "Toasty" Forden also makes his return after some successful uppercuts. I laughed as he's holding a piece of Toast with butter on it.



I give the Graphiks:

59712 TOASTY!!!!

Musik: I didn't pay much attention honestly, I heard a few ambient technoish songs, some orchestrated tracks, and the audio itself/voice overs were done well. However, not once did I hear

Mooooooooooooooooooortalll Kombat!!!
either way I'm sure the musik is good...I give the musik a

9.736 Babalities to the Future of Physical Challenges

Final Verdikt: There's a ton of content to this game, I spent well over 30 hours in it. With a Story Mode that will take you at least 6 hours to complete, Individual Arcade Ladders, Tag Ladders, Mini Games, Challenge Tower, and tons of unlocks, you definately get your moneys worth. Not to mention the Klassic hidden fights, including original Classic Reptile,
Noob Saibot,Smoke, and two others I didn't find. I won't tell ya how here, you'll have to figure out on your own...

Spoiler: Fine...my arm got twisted. To fight Noob Siabot, if you see him hanging out in the background of a stage, win your match without using a single block. For Classic Reptile, at the Pit Stage at Night, get two flawless victories and do your pit finisher.(Santa Claus has to fly across the moon or you wont get to fight him). Smoke, in the hidden forest, If you see Smoke peak from behind the tree, hit Down and Back Button (or Select). Blammo Now you get to fight him.

So I say to anyone who either is on the fence, or wants a fun fighting game, go out and pick this up. You'll enjoy it.
I give this game

10 Cyrax's Break Dancing in a Subway Station

here's few more screens for shits and giggles

Baraka didn't catch the train in time

This time MK developers totally Killed It

As once a person who was in the spotlight on stages across the US, after being off the music circuit for over a year, you miss the "performance" more than anything. It's an addiction like no other. So for some odd Reason, I decided to acquire a copy of Yoostar 2.
For I would take my creativity from the music world, and go into Acting. Hell there's not much of a difference, basically you just say a bunch of words, prance around doing various actions, and then show it off to random people viewing the attraction.

this game will not get you on a Late Night show

This post is more or less going to be an overall review. We'll just get to the point:
Kinect controls are annoying as hell, with the game not giving you the option to just use the controller to scroll through the menus. This makes you not enjoy the game very much because you're too busy flailing your arms like some elderly lady without a med alert bracelet on who has fallen and cannot get up.

where's the beef?

As far as the sound goes, its pretty spot on with recording your levels and maximizing them to be around the same level as the games. But, you'll have a hell of a time trying to get the lighting just right so you look decent in the camera and the image you'll be basically green screened onto. After about 30 minutes of adjusting lamps, adding spotlights, putting on strobes, using a 6 foot tall robot we used to shoot lasers at kids during shows, and throwing up a lighter as if the game was playing Freebirds solo, I said screw it and just dealt with the cards Kenny Rogers gave me.

you gotta know when to hold em...know when to fold em

I started figuring out what movie I wanted to be a part of. Which, there's a good selection...but its missing great movies like Pulsebeat, Samurai Cop, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Secret of the Ooz, The Never Ending Story 3, any Channing Tatum dance movies, or adult movies. So I decided to test my whits at Beverly Hills Cop.

oh snap Judge Reinhold!

But......you dont get to be Judge Reinhold...no, you get to do 1 scene from the movie where you pick either Eddie Murphy or some Host at some fancy place. Anywho, I did my spill, looking mighty awesome I did, and I was ready to post this for all my friends to watch. Which is not as easy as it sounds. You follow the directions it gives you, which are the wrong directions.

Not even trained Actors can understand what the hell is happening

So after hours of trying to figure out how to link the stupid facebook/twitter horseshit that you have to find a magical compass that unlocks the Davinci Code, you can upload your masterpiece. However....there is a catch. Even though the game lets you chose to read the script, or improv, when you change the script there can be some complications.There's some sort of Filter, that wont let you upload videos if you say certain words because I assume only children play Yoostar and no adults can use their vast language skills within this title. Every piece of slang word, or words used in our awful english language pretty much are thrown out the window.
Here are a few words and phrases(with visuals) in my original recordings that were flagged "we're not going to let you upload this because you're an asshole and you can't say that in a video"
1) Black People


2) Hookers
sorry this is a site where kids read this stuff

3) Herpes(even though Eddie Murphy can say it in the game)


4) Giant Cock


5) Yoostar developers can go f*ck themselves for this shotty bullshit

6) Kevin Arnold in the Wonder Years never once took a shit in his parents oven.


sidenote: Folks, I'll be honest here, there's a reason I was a guitarist and remembered only certain singing parts to songs for harmonies because my mind is too out there to remember stories in full and I can only do 1.5 things at a time. I'm an improv guy. I can wing about anything and make it either sound good or bullshit my way though almost any situation.

I now present you my debut acting moment:

someone give this kid an Oscar Grammy Moon Man Emmy Choice Award thing

After such a "fun" time I had exploring the could be possibilities of this title, I jumped up, gave it a spin kick straight out the non-windows that are in my basement. Then promptly told my wife to take it back to where she got it.
Overall I give this game:


two oldschool memes because its the only thing that made this game enjoyable.