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10:06 PM on 03.13.2013

Review: Arma III from the Heart of a Luchador

To start, this is all Spencer Hayes' Fault.

He was all like," y0 lucha,when you gonna do another review?" and I was like, "shit son, I've been busy twerkin dem mean streets of East Compton KY, but shit since you're so badly wanting a review, you get one"

This game isn't even finished, but Fuck yeah its radical as hell. I don't even care. You run around all combat, diving to the ground rolling around like it's nobodies business. I've never played Arma Uno, or Arma Twice. I was like shit here's 33 bucks for Arma III because Uncle Sam gave me money for being so extreme dollar bills shot out his ass and I grabbed them like the money machine at Shoe Carnival.

You can drive things

You can shoot things

you can drive on basketball courts

you can ramp over things

You can even Scuba dive and explore the wonderful world of Russian Oceans or maybe it's the Ohio River. Either way, I had fun adventuring in the water shooting fish.


This Silly Bear found me a Helicopter

Things got HAIRY up in the sky

But the adventure didn't end here.

actually, it did.

Anyways, This game is pretty magical. I ramped over cliffs, scuba dived, killed terrorist, listened to people on mic shout bravo alpha 30 clicks, and things like, "fuckin Johnny Luchador is driving the 4 wheelers into the ocean" and other great lines like, "someone kill that Johnny Luchador guy, he just took the chopper full of our squad and flew it head first into a group of enemies"

The graphics are top notch.
The sound is loud, and their's alot of military dramatic music that sounds like a Denzel Washington movie.
The gameplay is complicated because it's so real with a million damn buttons to do different things.

over all
I give this game

11.7 shirtless Men in a mountain area holding a sword and +45 Mana Points for the bitchin Mustache   read

7:02 PM on 06.29.2012

Dtoid Live on WWE Smackdown Son. Ooo Wee

Hey Peeps, Johnny Luchador of here. So I had the opportunity to head to WWE Smackdown in Evansville on Syfy.
To live up to the previous invasion by community member Suff0cat back in 2008, I made it a goal that at one point during my many visits to WWE events, I would represent Destructoid. So, dressed in Destructador/Luchatoid gear from head to toe, I ventured with my best buds to WWE Smackdown with ringside/announcer side seats. Now, being a streamer on of the Super Fantastic Video Game Rad Show: Get There, I decided to make a Hey Dtoid Niero sign to flash as much as possible because hell, why make a Destructoid sign when I basically embodied our robot overlord every time they panned a camera. Here's an awesome video of it I just made.Yeah the Youtube link.

Before the show, no, I am not at a strip club with a Referee in the background.
Here's some pictures from the Superstars Taping

A Wild Lucha appears! Totally an effin 2 Count.

This punk don't know the power of Luchamania.

The First spotting of the Niero sign.

Yes, we are the official fan club of WWE Ref John Cone

more Niero

Daniel Bryan is a Vegan, Brushing with CREST! CREST! CREST! keeps that smile perfect.

Keep on Brushin Dem Teef

Zackkriderrswooo woo wooos

I think this is Justin TV guy.

Happy Birthday Ref Charles Robinson

MUSCLE CAKE. It's the RAd Show: Get There Mascot. The sign says "I'm Here for Muscle Cake Dtoid.TV"

more MUSCLE from wwe,com

Dtoid Niero sign during the main event.

Booker T's Yard Sale ----> was a total success, King Booker, loved the sign and kept laughing at my ability to be a total assclown.
So yeah, if you watched, you most likely saw me a blue million times. If you missed it, you can check it out on wwe dot com or just get on your cable dvr box and watch it on demand or that youtubes. ooo weee.   read

9:41 AM on 01.06.2012

review: Katawa Shoujo..its not Gojo and my hands are still dirty

So you may be wondering, just where the hell has Johnny Luchador been? Where have the posts vanished off to? Well I've been busy being a Grown Ass Man, busy Streaming on the Destructoid Twitch channel, and well, wrestling small mammals. Anywho, I figured the best way to return to the world of internet literature is to give you guys a Lucha review. Let's just start this post out with the following.

I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no legs.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no arms.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman who was blind.
I didn't have sex with a burn victim, thats actually a lie
and I had sex with a mute.

Now you may be asking, "what in the holy hotdog hell are you babbling about?!"
That's right folks, I just got finished clicking through Katawa Shoujo. Now you're saying, "is that the game where you try to date/sex Handi-capped Animes?" Which my response is, "unfortunately, yes it is. I had no clue what this game even was and was told it was actually the sequel to Demolition Man with Wesley Snipes."
To my dismay, Wesley Snipes is not in this game, nor is Hans Gruber, Simon Gruber, Randy Savage, Mr Belvedere, or Jackie Chan. But Harry Potter is in this game.

So what would possess a man to download this Free game about hooking up with women with disabilities? The answer is simple and in two parts. The first reason is because it's free and who couldn't pass up a free game. The second is, well, I honestly don't know how to say it in a way without pissing off someone so I'll just review it and you make your own damn decisions.

From what I understand, you're this dude named Jamal Jeffries. You somehow have a heart attack under a tree because you're a ding dong who probably eats fast food for every meal. The next thing you know you're in this school/hospital thing run by none other than Dr Gregory House. I guess because you have heart problems or you're actually the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. So things pan into a classroom where you meet, Anime 1 and Anime 2. They talk alot, you click alot, and then you begin to wonder, "this game would be so much cooler with less talking and more people getting scissor kicked while an animated version of Carl Weathers arm wrestles anime bears or squids."

After clicking about 15 minutes straight, I get knocked down by some chick in the hall. To my amazement...the girl...was no other than Lieutenant Dan's daughter. We'll call her Sprinkles the Kid. Anywho, yadda yadda, next thing I know, she is best friends with Girl with No Arms....Then I stopped. I wondered to myself what it would be like if this was a sitcom because it would be the number 1 watched show on TV. More clicking...then you're at a track meet. Sprinkles the Kid is there.
She Literally Runs Track Meet with the Flippy Floppy Leggy Things.

She beats Ghost Rider in a race, and you end up telling her how Radical she is.
Things get hot and heavy, and now I'm having intercourse with a legless Sprinkles the Kid in a woodshed.

Mentally disturbed, I decided to backtrack I didn't understand how or what in Gods name just occurred.
Luckily, there's a Save feature where you can save the "choose your own adventure" directives.
So we go back in time without Marty and Doc, and I start frantically clicking again. Now, my goal here is figure out how to prevent "hooking" up with Animes, and instead finish my schooling to become Ruler of the Moon. The Hardy Boys and Nacy Drew will never solve the mystery of Old Man McGreggor and the Abandoned Coal Mine.
So to let you waste some thinking about the complexity of it all, here is a picture of more stumps and not the Zombie.

I stumbled on some more, but...I clicked the wrong things...and I ended up with the Dark Knight with no Arms.

The Story goes on, and on, and on. I maybe read 4 words. I learned that

Did I mention there's a girl with no arms?

I could go on more explaining the horrors of this abomination, but here in the South,
I can only describe my experience with this game like so.


I'm too old for this shit.

*note Katawa Shoujo translates roughly to Mexican Tortilla Soldier.


10:23 PM on 08.29.2011



that is all.   read

5:25 PM on 05.16.2011

Don't Steal My Ideas..okay you can but just give me a few dollars

As creative as an imagination as I've had for years, I always tend to say, I'm so gonna do this, but then I get side tracked and end up not doing something and then some jackass goes and does what I said I was gonna do before I ever get around to it. So let me be the first to throw out to the gaming community my ideas, please build on these so I can share the royalties with you.

6 Games that don't exist but should

6) Old Man On The Porch: The Game

"When I grow old, I can't wait to sit on a porch all day long and yell at people walking by." I've said this for years, before Gran Torino, before being old was cool. It's basically how it sounds. You play as an elderly man that you create: who doesn't like making old people with pants up to their belly buttons? From there you set up a metal folding chair (more chairs unlocked as you progress), and yell at people as the day passes by, occasionally getting up to throw something at someone, tell someone how the old days were, drink a beer, get up to piss unless you just want to pee yourself cause peeing your pants is da coolest, and occasional nap time. I really don't know how to explain what game it would play like, I guess it could be a Kinect Title or Move title, hell it just sounds like a drunken rampage of fun times.

If Peeing your pants is cool, just call me Miles Davis

5) Heads Up Seven Up/Red Rover Reloaded

This game was played in School for a teacher to have time to grade papers or just for filler cause they ran out of things to talk about in a subject. There was no lesson from Heads Up 7 Up, just trying to guess who tapped you on the back of the head. Now that I think about it, man I could have gotten lice from some of the kids hair I was touching. Anywho, most the time kids cheated cause we were all cheating little shits peaking at peoples shoes or faking a sneeze to get our heads up to see who was the one who thought they'd be sneaky enough to try to pull a fast one on us. I threw in Red Rover because some people have no clue what head up seven up is, so its a combo game. That's right, two effin games for your mind to go boom. The game would pretty much play like your Splinter Cells and Metal Gears, just sneak around tapping people who have their heads down on a desk in the head. But don't use too much force or you'll get suspended for busting Brian Andersons nose because he was a jerk anyways and no one liked him. Red Rover is how it sounds, run like a bastard and try to break through the line of arms, or run and do a flying clothesline or flying elbow to the nearest kids face to break through, except you get suspended because you're not suppose to be that aggressive. Then pick up Matt McDonaldson and give him a german suplex for being a stupid mark. True Story.

4) Ragin Cajun: The sequel to Bayou Billy

Not much more to say, just buy it because its Bayou Billys Sequel. You will probably get frustrated, another gaming site will give it a "9.5" because they are morons, but we all know it's worthy of a 7.5 but we'll secretly in our hearts believe it to be the greatest thing to ever grace the face of the planet. So awesome that we'll miss the second coming of Christ because we'll be too busy trying to figure out just what the hell we're doing in this game.

this could happen....

3) Couch Cushion Fort Building Championship Edition

I would play the holy shit outta this game. Seriously, Minecraft...pshhh you for babies. The real deal is Couch Fort Building. I don't need a pick axe, I got hands, hands that build fortresses of awesome. Now while some of you built your little fortresses outta pillows and blankets, you'd get to rest assured that after you were done, it was still looking good until you dismantled it...well not in Lucha's house. When my friends and I built our forts we had to stay up all night and defend it from my dad, who was a ruthless warlord throwing Encyclopedia Britannica's at our build/our faces and dumping a bucket of water on us. Yea, welcome to the Real World of Warcraft(I've never played it, but I'm sure its weak compared to getting a face full of history from a heavy book hitting you). So we'd set up trip lines and tin can alarms and prepared for the worst. That is until my little sister ran into one of our trip wires with her forehead and now has a scar from it, sorry sis. This element has to be part of the game, kind of like Clock Tower where you're just waiting for the attack.

2) Kinect Burly Man/Lumber Jack Contest

Man have I always watched those on TV and gone, holy shit this is hardcore man stuff I really want to carve a can of PBR out of a 60 lb Log and then drink motor oil out of it. It takes a true man of man to compete in these outdoor Chest Hair fests, and what better way to become a man than to stand in front of your TV wielding an imaginary Axe as you chop through firetrucks and spit grizzly bear blood onto a spectating crowd. There could be Log chucking competitions, mud bog running, log river rolling, and an arm wrestling tough man contest straight outta Over The Top! They have all these work out games on Kinect that totally do not appeal to me because they are all weightloss games. Screw that I wanna be Cut. I want to be able to pick up the back of a semi truck and flip it on its tail end because I now go by Paul Bunyan.

Oh and because a certain Dtoider wants to Karaoke really bad, we're throwing in the After the Contest Drink Mead outta things you've carved and Karaoke Contest to finish the night of festivities. I think this game just gave me a hard on.


1) Grave Diggers Monster Truck Sandbox Adventure
As a child I had this dream where I'd be sitting somewhere or being stuck doing some chore that I did not want to do, when all of the sudden the sound of a large engine revs and Grave Digger plows through the grocery store doing 360's crushing aisles 8-15, or Grave Digger driving through the high school gym slam dunking a basketball while on 1 tire. This is the game dreams are made of. An open world Sandbox of Destruction with a Monster Truck. It would be that game where you just can ramp over whatever or crush whatever (school buses included). I guess you could throw in a story line where you're trying to better society by bringing pure Muscle Power to society, but in the end you get the girl/guy you've been trying to impress with your awesome skills while playing a amazing keytar solo out the driver side window while fireworks shoot out the tailpipes. It doesn't have to be a giant $60 game. Just a few bucks on one of the Marketplaces. I just request that there's a bitchin rad southern rock music going on and a few Pepsi sponsor things hanging out on banners and ponys, lots of ponys.

[embed]197299:38528[/embed]   read

10:38 AM on 05.04.2011

The Anatomy of A Jar of Pickles: Written by Johnny Best Selling Author x 4

A little different than a normal Johnny Luchador Lunch Time Review Special for $4.99, but since its been a dry week for "stellar" games to review, we're gonna change things up a little bit. Today I review those who Judge a Game by its Cover.
People don't know how to have fun with games anymore. It's sad, I mean, really sad. Today everyone will look at a picture or a video of a game, and immediately throw a brick through a window to voice their opinion negatively on something they haven't yet to experience. Honestly, it pisses me off. It's like a sports fan saying someones team sucks before a season even starts, then that team that supposedly sucks ends up winning the championship. You've all heard the spill about walking in 10 foot of snow in your underwear to catch a school bus that your grandpa tells you when you bitch and whine, well here's a reality check, I've climbed that mountain. Call me old school, or just old, but when I grew up we had Atari, Nes, Genesis, Sega CD, 32X, SNES, Neo Geo, Jaguar, and so on. I didn't wake up one day to have my first system be a Playstation or a Xbox 360. Hell nah, when we wanted to play something that had "next gen" graphics, we had to walk our happy asses to an Arcade (remember those?) and spend quarters to play about 2 minutes before we had to insert more coins.

Games have improved over the years, there's been some bad ones, there's been some alright ones, there's been some fantastic ones. But the 1 thing I've learned over the years is to keep my mouth shut until I've actually experienced the game. Then, and only then can I have the right to give an opinion that amounts to anything.

I think my fondest memory of a bad game was this title called S.O.S, I think thats what it was titles, it was for SNES.

confimed, gonna take ya to da mooobies

As a child, anything that kept my attention span active was a successful game. However, It's really the first game that I started to play and went, "seriously, what the holy hell is this?" You basically were on a boat/cruise ship/noah's ark, that was sinking. I think you were suppose to save people, or get off the boat. Anywho, long story short, as bad as this title was, I can't tell you how much fun my friends and I had, taking the character we were given, climbing to this tall ladder up the very side of the inside of the vessel, up onto a ledge about 100 stories high it seemed, then leaping to our deaths shouting things like "holy shit this is totally rad" or " bitchin camero!". We must have killed that poor bastard over 800 times.

"you speak the r-truth brotha!"

I believe that was the point in my life, where I realized, you don't have to play a game and follow the rules of it to have fun, you can totally go within your own little world, and have some of the most memorable experiences ever in gaming.

My life completely changed from this moment forth. Every game was now a target. It didn't matter what other people thought about it, because 99% of the comments people made hadn't even played it, and were just voicing opinions that were about as credible as Sasquatch trying to use a debit card. -Authors side note: Sorry, that would just be incredibly rad if I saw Sasquatch trying to buy jeans at the GAP. I asked myself then, as I ask myself now, "what can I do to make this hilarious and memorable?" Being from the south, we had a Nascar game (note: we didnt' install it, it came on the computer) on the PC we owned at the time.

Oops is not what this guy wanted to hear

Green Light went off, my car stood still while the other cars drove around me, then I hit it in reverse, did a 180, and started driving the wrong direction. The poor leader of the pack #24 a fresh new comer at the time, didn't know what hit him at 200 mph as he flipped and knocked out around 15 more drivers. I basically made the game demolition derby before it was even thought about on PS1. Doom deathmatch now became see how long I can follow behind a guy punching him in the head before he starts typing hateful things at me (editors note: There use to not be a thing called a headset that you could shout into, you had to type your anger in CAPS). Now I know, you're gonna say, "Johnny, you're a griefer" and my response, "I'm like David Blaine, make this shit all disappear", only for you to be confused and me to steal your wallet and pour the contents over your head.

I get my powers from double A batteries

But that's not the point. The point is, you can take any game, be it the graphics are bad, the frame rate is bad, the sound is bad, the milks gone bad, the grandma kicked the bucket put her in the freezer bad, or even the mechanics are bad, and you can make it worth your time. After you get your kicks and laughter, then you can tell people, this game was terrible. But make sure you share your funny moments of altering the main goal. I review a lot of titles, but I make a point to have good humor with my thoughts and not try to bury something. As a wise musician who now has really big britches and never calls me anymore once told me about a bus full of groupies, "you can't hate on it, til you hit it". I take this to heart, and I think more people in society should give up on being ignorant and look at the big picture, especially in the gaming industry.

I had to put a family friendly picture here, cause I can't post pictures of girls doing immoral things on a bus

I was playing Gears of War 3 beta last night, when someone started talking trash about Brink. It's not even out yet. But he felt that his ability to see the future better than a Jamaican fortune teller really meant he could persuade people not to play it. So after listening to his rant, I proceeded to follow him, and only him, rev'n up my chainsaw gun. Finally, after 10 minutes of him hearing chainsaw in his ear, he stopped moving, asked me, "what the hell is your problem?!", which I told him, "my problem is that you have been ranting for 10 minutes only for everyone on your team to abandon you and I felt that I should contribute noise in your ear for your rambling" Then he yelled at me, and I blew up frag grenades around him, and told him until he starts having fun he's in time out. He either went to bed cause his mom was mad, or he just realized he was a dipshit, and left the match. Everyone in the session, was so happy that I had gotten rid of this guy (who had been talking trash about the game and other titles not even out yet for the past 8 matches) that the next match we stood around in a circle on Murderball and let the sign fall on us. Cause that's Teamwork, and that's what fun is all about.

To Conclude I'm saying this: You bunch of Hipster Hippie Scenester Jock Wieners; (insert other uncool thing) can sit down and stop acting like elitist Assholes. Just keep your negative nancyness to yourself until you have some credibility or have experienced the title in full. There's already too many opinions out there as is, but all you're doing is making yourself look like a jackass without any credibility, so would you like Paper or Plastic with that?

I give those people:
Rem Lezar singing so society can be a better place.   read

8:03 AM on 04.19.2011

Review: Mortal Kombat, Test your Might Edition

As soon as I got my hands on this, the amazingly bad theme song from Mortal Kombat the movie began playing in my head. It brought back memories of my youth when I'd be drug to Walmart with my mother, as I would break free as soon as I got there to run to the arcade to play this game that had people fighting to the death. Then as years went by, more of the series was released, I finally said, man, this game is boring and I hate that I have to have to remember directions to pull off moves.

At first I was skeptical because after playing games like Street Fighter, Marvel Vs Capcom, Soul Caliber, etc, I had gotten use to the rolling to execute things on the d-pad. But as soon as I put this game in to my console and began the Arcade Ladder, choosing an old favorite Noob Saibot, it was a breath of fresh air. I had no clue what I was doing because I didn't have a booklet, but when I paused the game a glorious "moves list" showed up. Yes folks, you can pause at any point in the game, look up moves, fatalities, etc with this menu.

thank you moves set menu, for now I can pull people apart like tearing paper

Literally, I had no clue how to do anything, and within like 2 minutes, I was knocking the crap out of everyone who stood in my way. It was like I was possessed by the spirits of Roddy Piper and Billy Blanks.

yep, this movie DID happen
Either that or it could be that Noob Saibot is an extremely badass character, or I just got really good from actually having something show me the moves in an easy to pull off manner. I like to credit Piper and Blanks though because that is just awesome.

Mekhaniks: Warner Brothers and NetherRealms have raised the bar with this title. Everything runs very fluidly like a fine oiled machine on your grandpas cattle ranch where Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing is Produced and all the kids run around dipping celery sticks in all your hard work.
All the finishers are fantastic and surprisingly easy to pull off. The Combo system is rad, giving you some great chain moves, combo breakers and the "meter" at the bottom letting you pull off more powerful signature moves and the X-ray bone breaking moves - which can be executed by pressing the back two triggers once the bar is full. Which you can watch in this video I did - like 4 fatality spoilers here.
Awesome GAMEPLAY footage from me yea!

I only had 1 small glitch in the game while I was doing a Challenge Tower where I was Sub Zero and I was fighting Scorpion where after so many hits that you take you lose your arms, the game froze. It was probably the fact that I'd been playing this for 30 hours and Sub Zero froze the game so he could get a smoothie or call his mom and check in on her.
Test your Might, Sight, Strike, and Luck are in this game, all very fun minigames. The Test your Luck is pretty funny, I can't tell you how many times I'd have to battle with the screen upside down, no Jumping, missing my arms, and having Super Strength. But the best way to solve that is stand on your head and play that way. Thats how I did it...until I got a headache, and I realized you could press replay, and it would give you different outcomes.

But as we mentioned before the Challenge Tower is one of the more exciting features of this game. With 300 challenges, you'll have your hands full.

Okay, this is getting a little out of hand don't you think?
I give the Mekhaniks:
11 Dio's tryin to look like the Fonze

Graphiks: Beautiful is all I can say. Its so clean and the actions going on in the background can sometimes distract you from your fight because you're looking for "hidden" gems or waiting for Santa Claus to fly across the moon on the night time version of the Pit. One stage you're fighting in the streets and Cars are flying by on fire driving off cliffs and there's Dinosaurs shooting fire and Explosions.

I lost feeling in my eyes because it was totally uncanny with awesome. The Story mode is another thing that is not lacking on graphics and cut scenes. Trust Me, you'll think you've beaten it, then you realize you didn't, but you can stop playing it because it Auto Saves without telling you. - I did not know this and played it for about 6-8 hours straight. But because of my loyalty to marathon gaming and drinking a case of Little Rainbows

it kept me interested to finish it.
Dan "Toasty" Forden also makes his return after some successful uppercuts. I laughed as he's holding a piece of Toast with butter on it.

I give the Graphiks:

59712 TOASTY!!!!

Musik: I didn't pay much attention honestly, I heard a few ambient technoish songs, some orchestrated tracks, and the audio itself/voice overs were done well. However, not once did I hear
Mooooooooooooooooooortalll Kombat!!!
either way I'm sure the musik is good...I give the musik a

9.736 Babalities to the Future of Physical Challenges

Final Verdikt: There's a ton of content to this game, I spent well over 30 hours in it. With a Story Mode that will take you at least 6 hours to complete, Individual Arcade Ladders, Tag Ladders, Mini Games, Challenge Tower, and tons of unlocks, you definately get your moneys worth. Not to mention the Klassic hidden fights, including original Classic Reptile,
Noob Saibot,Smoke, and two others I didn't find. I won't tell ya how here, you'll have to figure out on your own...

Spoiler: arm got twisted. To fight Noob Siabot, if you see him hanging out in the background of a stage, win your match without using a single block. For Classic Reptile, at the Pit Stage at Night, get two flawless victories and do your pit finisher.(Santa Claus has to fly across the moon or you wont get to fight him). Smoke, in the hidden forest, If you see Smoke peak from behind the tree, hit Down and Back Button (or Select). Blammo Now you get to fight him.

So I say to anyone who either is on the fence, or wants a fun fighting game, go out and pick this up. You'll enjoy it.
I give this game

10 Cyrax's Break Dancing in a Subway Station

here's few more screens for shits and giggles

Baraka didn't catch the train in time

This time MK developers totally Killed It   read

3:12 PM on 04.15.2011

Review: Yoostar 2, the game that doesn't let you be creative

As once a person who was in the spotlight on stages across the US, after being off the music circuit for over a year, you miss the "performance" more than anything. It's an addiction like no other. So for some odd Reason, I decided to acquire a copy of Yoostar 2.
For I would take my creativity from the music world, and go into Acting. Hell there's not much of a difference, basically you just say a bunch of words, prance around doing various actions, and then show it off to random people viewing the attraction.

this game will not get you on a Late Night show

This post is more or less going to be an overall review. We'll just get to the point:
Kinect controls are annoying as hell, with the game not giving you the option to just use the controller to scroll through the menus. This makes you not enjoy the game very much because you're too busy flailing your arms like some elderly lady without a med alert bracelet on who has fallen and cannot get up.

where's the beef?

As far as the sound goes, its pretty spot on with recording your levels and maximizing them to be around the same level as the games. But, you'll have a hell of a time trying to get the lighting just right so you look decent in the camera and the image you'll be basically green screened onto. After about 30 minutes of adjusting lamps, adding spotlights, putting on strobes, using a 6 foot tall robot we used to shoot lasers at kids during shows, and throwing up a lighter as if the game was playing Freebirds solo, I said screw it and just dealt with the cards Kenny Rogers gave me.

you gotta know when to hold em...know when to fold em

I started figuring out what movie I wanted to be a part of. Which, there's a good selection...but its missing great movies like Pulsebeat, Samurai Cop, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Secret of the Ooz, The Never Ending Story 3, any Channing Tatum dance movies, or adult movies. So I decided to test my whits at Beverly Hills Cop.

oh snap Judge Reinhold! dont get to be Judge, you get to do 1 scene from the movie where you pick either Eddie Murphy or some Host at some fancy place. Anywho, I did my spill, looking mighty awesome I did, and I was ready to post this for all my friends to watch. Which is not as easy as it sounds. You follow the directions it gives you, which are the wrong directions.

Not even trained Actors can understand what the hell is happening

So after hours of trying to figure out how to link the stupid facebook/twitter horseshit that you have to find a magical compass that unlocks the Davinci Code, you can upload your masterpiece. However....there is a catch. Even though the game lets you chose to read the script, or improv, when you change the script there can be some complications.There's some sort of Filter, that wont let you upload videos if you say certain words because I assume only children play Yoostar and no adults can use their vast language skills within this title. Every piece of slang word, or words used in our awful english language pretty much are thrown out the window.
Here are a few words and phrases(with visuals) in my original recordings that were flagged "we're not going to let you upload this because you're an asshole and you can't say that in a video"
1) Black People

2) Hookers
sorry this is a site where kids read this stuff

3) Herpes(even though Eddie Murphy can say it in the game)

4) Giant Cock

5) Yoostar developers can go f*ck themselves for this shotty bullshit

6) Kevin Arnold in the Wonder Years never once took a shit in his parents oven.

sidenote: Folks, I'll be honest here, there's a reason I was a guitarist and remembered only certain singing parts to songs for harmonies because my mind is too out there to remember stories in full and I can only do 1.5 things at a time. I'm an improv guy. I can wing about anything and make it either sound good or bullshit my way though almost any situation.

I now present you my debut acting moment:
someone give this kid an Oscar Grammy Moon Man Emmy Choice Award thing

After such a "fun" time I had exploring the could be possibilities of this title, I jumped up, gave it a spin kick straight out the non-windows that are in my basement. Then promptly told my wife to take it back to where she got it.
Overall I give this game:

two oldschool memes because its the only thing that made this game enjoyable.   read

10:05 PM on 04.07.2011

Review: Deadly Towers, the game that no Towers were Harmed in the making

Maybe I'm out of the loop, but I didn't really see anything worth playing and reviewing this week that was of our current Generation. At first I dug around my collection of Tiger Hand Held games. After hours of trying to get batteries to get any of them to work, only to fail because I didn't have a screw driver, then to dust off the old NES only because there's a bagillion games that never get reviewed or never got the justice they truly deserved.

At first I though this was Rambo, then Swamp Thing, then I realized it wasn't Platoon, but Bayoo Billy.
Well after talking to the brotheren of the Chillbros, a Poll was taken, lots of requests for all sorts of reviews including for me to review Billy Crystal in City Slickers 2 the search for Curlys Gold

it was decided that I play a game that I've never heard of in my entire span of gaming...3 weeks.
The game...Deadly Towers. Yea, sounds really spooky and deadly and shit.

Move the fuck over, this game just totally ran up and took 18 lbs of apples from the Grocery Store, swung them around its head in the eco friendly tote bag, and tossed them at the Tenis Ball Gun with American Gladiator Malibu manning it, exploding the Target behind him, leaving him in smoke.

I'm so Handsome you're gonna wanna smang me til 4 in da mornin
And I'll be honest, When I played this game, I use to imagine our main hero was Malibu, because it gave the poor bastard a little bit of credit from his poor decision to be every contestants bitch.
Here's what this game is about.
On a Tuesday Night out in East Compton at a coronation ceremony, a master magician Prince Myer(Malibu) sits at the corner booth of a Dennys to ponder the future of the kingdom(i.e. the Burger King Play Pit) Suddenly, this guy rises from the lake looking like William Defoe. Although he doesn't identify himself, it's clear as hell he was the Green Goblin and a gay guy in Boondock Saints. He tells Malibu that Ruben Studdard is preparing to overtake Willner Kingdom by using seven magic bells capable of summoning an army of monsters(people who have no taste in good music)

Remember me? Deez b my 4 Bells, I still need 3 more

Blah blah blah, skip some storyline, you basically have to burn down a bunch of Bell towers because Arson is cool in the olden days before it was a crime.
But onto what I thought about this adventure in the womens restroom at Red Lobster.

Graphics: Simple, amazing, simple, so much color sprites that I had to put my Tom Selleck Blue Blockers on. Makes me want to curl up with Wendy Cooper and listen to Saxaphone.
This game gets
5.7 Dinosaucers

Mechanics: Move, with dpad, a button, b button, select and start. Thats all you need. I didn't have 1 glitch the entire adventure, I was able to burn down the towers, celebrate with my kingdom of West Virginia, vote for some Prop # that let people live in Tree Houses with tire swings and a sign that says no girls/boys aloud. Which my ideal house would be a Couch Pillow Fortress with a sign that says only Cool Dudes and Awesome Babes aloud.
The Mechanics get Kofi Kingstons Theme song redone to say, "S.O.S. Gonna take you to da Mooooveeeeeys"


Music: Beep boop Beep beep boooooooooooooooppppp, widdly widdly wooooooooooooo
Thats basically it, it's like listening to a nokia cell phone default ring over and over.
57930 copies of Dick Tracy the Movie Soundtrack.

Final Verdict: One day, we will all have to choose...Let our Kingdom be over thrown, or burn down a bunch of towers with the power of love and Huey Lewis and the News.
I chose Hip to Be Square x 44

I played this game for a total of 33 minutes 15 seconds before my nintendo. grew legs and walked away, so I decided to watch my favorite movie of all time

6:38 PM on 03.29.2011

Review: WWE All Stars, Tony Schiavone edition

I have to say, before you play this game you need to do this step by step procedure
1) go rent The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior and view it
2) Eat your Vitamins, say your prayers, stay in school, don't do drugs (all at the same time)
3) Grab an American Flag or 2X4 and Wave it in your neighbors yard, hopefully of a foreign ethnicity or at the Drive thru at McDonalds shouting "USA USA"
4) Get on the edge of your couch/loveseat/folding chair, and do a flying elbow drop onto a angry wild horse, rabid homeless man/mailman/milkman/door to door salesman, or real doll that looks like Missy Elliot in her Garbage Bag outfit

"stole dis from Mark Henrys closet"
5) take all your other wrestling games(except Fire Pro Wrestling and N64 WWF games), shine those puppies up real nice, turn that son bitch sideways, and STICK IT STRAIGHT UP the Trade them ins Candy ASS!
if you don't have time to rent step 1 or run around like an idiot like I do, just watch this clip from it and then play the game.

When I first saw this game, it brought back memories of Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling cartoon

The glorious Saturday Morning adventure where the faces and heels (good guys and bad guys)...hell I never understood what was going on, it just had the Hulkster with a bad voice over

[sidenote: he was voiced by Brad Garrett, everyone loves raymond, but not your Hulk Hogan Voice]
and Roddy Piper sounding nothing like Piper, and some now deceased wrestlers in the cast. But I was a kid and looked up to wrestlers as heros so I watched it with a smile on my face, while playing with my large collection of WWF figures, beating the snot out of the random barn cats and wilderness creatures. Spring Action Ricky Steamboat is still champion of the Tobacco Field. But enough about me, on to the game.

Short Review right here with this video:
For those who care to read further into the dephs of detail of things about this title continue on.

The best way to describe this game is take NBA Jam + WWF No Mercy ( I so was saying this before Nick Chester), put them in Bed Together, after an hour of cuddling, then some foreplay, then 3 minutes of intercourse with no protection, an awkward pregnancy call, 2 months of waiting to see if its actually yours, then 7 months of labor, you get WWE Allstars.

This game is a great breath of Fresh Air from the current uphill battle that the Smackdown Series has been having over the past few years. I felt as if I were back in the arcade playing WWF Wrestlefest.
I dumped tons of quarters into that game, and I have to say I've spent hours into this and will continue to do so.

There are a variety of matches you can participate in, as well as modes. Now, it's not like going to Sams Club, it's more like shopping at K-Mart. I was a little upset that there isn't a royal rumble (there is an 4 way elimination mode) but I'm still upset you can't climb out yet and eliminate yourself like in Royal Rumble on SNES. The Cage match is rad, as well as no tagging, just Tornado Tag.
Fantasy Warfare is cool, lots of what if you put this guy against this guy situations.
Path of Champions is your typical Ladder to the championship mode like in previous wrestling titles.
But the best part about this is you have 3 different options, Legends Path where you go after the (old)Taker who is the title holder, the WWE Championship (held by Orton), and the Tag Team Championship path - where DX hold it...or did until the MEGA POWERS ran wild on them.

Mechanics: Stays a little true to the way we typically see our wrestling games, with grapples, punch, reversals, etc. However, it uses a que from fighters, giving you Strong Grapple, Quick Grapple Buttons, as well as strikes. This game is fast paced, you gotta go go go! If you try to play it slow, you'll be done quicker than Jake the Snake can snort a line of cocaine. The various classes give a new spin on things since now you have to actually play with your skill set. High Flyers are going to have trouble with Brawlers if they try to face them head on, Technicians are going to have a better reversal and submission ratio, etc. It felt totally different using Slaughter and Mr Perfect after previously flying around with Randy Savage and John Morrison. But this was all in a good way. It's like using Ryu, then switching to Zangief in the original SF2. The controls really are not hard to learn, after a few plays you'll be juggling bitches like Eddie Gordo in Tekken or Charlie Sheen with his porn star girlfriends. It plays like having Sylvester Stallone from Cobra kick down your ex's front door and punch them in the kidney.
I give the Mechanics:

Holy Shit Battle Kat..RIP Dean Peters

Graphics: Big Over the Top Cartoony, awesome. People were complaining saying, this isn't realistic enough, why are they all looking like they are on steroids? RAWRRR I'm mad. Lets be honest here, who cares. How many games do people buy with cartoon characters or animes(is that what you call that stuff or is that hentai, hell I miss Thundaar the Barbarian.) Think of it this way, be happy that we have a more light hearted approach towards these performers of Sports Entertainment. I do have to say this game could use more Ric Flair blading himself bleeding all over the place like a scene from a B Horror Flick.I felt the flashy animations and streams of light from Owen Hart in heaven give the game a much needed facelift it needed in the final build. You'll notice some imperfections here and there, but it's only because you can only tan so much and use so much baby oil to cover up the fact that you're a 40 year old man in spandex.
I give the Graphics:

ooooooooooooooh yeaaaaaaaaaaah 34 Slim Jims.

Music: All your classic WWF Themes being blasted through the sound machine. The first chord of "Real American" makes you jump out of your chair and tear your shirt in half, only to then get yelled at by your significant other that you just ruined a shirt she bought you. But it's okay, it makes a better headband anyways. But even if you're not into hearing such brilliantly composed tracks like Jake the Snake Roberts, you can just make up your own song and play it over your boom box because the bastards at THQ decided in this game not to let you use your users playlist. Possibly due to the short intros your guy gets, but come on, even 10 seconds of Phil Collins Easy Lover or Rebecca Black Friday is enough to strike fear into my soon to be face down on the mat opposition.

I give the Music:

Multiplayer: Sorry I haven't played online, due to none of my friends currently own it. But We'll go out on a limb and say, connectivity is going to suck.
I give the Multiplayer:

1 Dungeon of Doom Kevin Sullivan...

Creation: Seriously, why in the hell are the Hair Selections always terrible. I have been making the same character for the past 8 years, and not once have they included Salt and Pepper textured hair. Just how in the holy hell can I make an accurate Steve Keaton(Michael Gross) from Family Ties if I'm not given the proper materials. But this game actually lets you blend the color to make the hair color I want...without the hair style. can now adjust the width/length of your mustache and beards. That's right Conrad....Staches so amazing it looks like you have wings growing from your face.

Conrads Stache, not pictured Conrad
Creation is alot smaller than previous WWE creation modes, but hell this game is mainly about wrestling with the Legends. I wish you could edit your whole move set as well, but it's all good I enjoy the preset move sets. Either way I give the creation:

6 Bottles of Kaboom Bitch

Final Verdict: If you like fast action, over the top, and a feel of old coin up arcade machines, get this. It'll bring you back to your youth with its pure funability - yea I made a word up. Go to your nearest gaming facility, run through the front door, grab the counter and shake it like you have the power of the Warrior in your veins, pick up the attendant, press slam him/her, grab the game, throw money on the counter, and run out. Then and only then can you be the WWE Champion.
This game gets:

9 Hacksaw Jim Duggins in a bathtub giving thumbs up shouting Yard Sale

note: I actually played this game...all the way through.. Yeah, like holy crap totally did it. And then I took a break to play some stupid Golf Masters Demo, where I got so upset with the controls that I threw the control and hit a man that was blind in the face only to make him unblind and go blind again by the abortion of a boring golf simulation.

"imma totally healed now and can reprogram your VCR"   read

7:20 PM on 03.22.2011

Review: Crysis 2 "the Syfy Channel Original Movie game"

Hi my name is Crysis, I was this PC game that you had to spend like a bagillion Chuck E Cheese tokens, to get enough tickets to buy a PC to run it. But then the gods of Showbiz Pizza

decided to give the middle man a break and say, "Kazaam" faster than Shaq, and throw this game onto our Consoles. Well, part two at least.

When I first saw this game, I was like, wait one second here, I know this game is visually good looking, but why do I keep thinking I'm sitting on my couch on a Sunday afternoon watching this on SyFy channel.

Guy in Robosuit thingy from Space: Check
African American friend who will die at some point in this experience: Check
The first game you're Nomad, the game took place in like the Jungle of South America or maybe in one of the backyards of somewhere in Eastern Kentucky. This game takes place in a broken down exploded New York.

You're in a Nanosuit. Is it just me or do all Nanosuits look uncomfortable? I bet those things feel like when you put on a pair of pants with pleats in them.There's nothing more sucky than getting stuck wearing a pair of pants your mom bought you for christmas that has pleats and you look like you have a boner every time you sit down. Alcatraz (the protagonist) seems lost and wondering why the hell he's in this nanosuit. I would feel the same way if I woke up and someone put my shirt on backwards, one shoe missing, and being told get out there and survive. [Side Note: who names their kid Alcatraz?] Either way you fight Robots and Aliens called CHUDS or something of that nature in really neat looking environments, lots of crumbling things, explosions, wild fires that Smokey the bear is nowhere to be seen. The AI is impressive with the dodging and running and I had to stop a few times to grab a drink of water cause I got out of breath from the gigantic combat environments. There's not alot of park benches you can actually sit on and take a break either, not even at the bus stop. I wont spoil the game for ya, so lets break it down.

Mechanics: like every other shooter, you use triggers to fire, bumpers for your super powers (no even though you have a nanosuit you can't microwave a burrito in it), analogs to move, buttons to kill things and pick up items like guns and stamps from the post office. I liked the snap aim on the analog. It handles similar to C.O.D's. I really didn't have any part of playing where I felt uncomfortable so I give this a rating of getting your tires stolen in broad daylight

"man dat Jamal done stole my tires from my off road vehicle"

Graphics: Well you know the graphics are great. Lighting effects are one thing I noticed. The cool thing is the lighting is so well developed I stopped using lamps and ceiling fixtures in my home, I just used my TV to give the effect of sunlight coming into my basement that has no windows.I got annoyed with my guy blocking the light, so I kept cloaking him. And back to serenity now.
I give it 6 Frank Costanzas

MUSIC: Hans Zimmer. What more can I say. You could have a game where it's just a pixel on a black screen moving left and right, but throwing the musical stylings of Hans Zimmer makes it Oscar worthy.
I enjoyed the original score. However, Crysis 2 does not feature any of his past works, its all his new stuff, so don't get upset when you don't hear the soundtrack to the Lion King.

you can print this picture out and color it for your grandma, or impress your friends with your mad skills.

or get mad that Nicolas Cage dressed as a wizard fighting convicts and punching women dressed as a bear with Sean Connery isn't included in this game.

"ey, check this out, I'm a wizard, this water gives me more needed Mana and hit points"
I will say, as much as I enjoy Hans Zimmer, holy crap, think about if the Rock-aFire Explosion played the soundtrack. Fatz Geronimo and Beach Bear giving a thumbs up at the end of the credits would have made me feel a little more fulfilled in life.
the music gets a random heavy set african american sitting on a bench near a rundown airport hanger playing a harmonica

MULTIPLAYER: I died alot, 1 hit kills with melee is a turn off. The ranking upgrades is cool, but again, I died alot because I was too focused on super moon jumping and running around screaming lines from Starship Troopers.

Nothing out of the ordinary for me though. It gets a sadistic kid playing with a modded easy bake oven

batteries not included

Final Verdict: As much as I enjoyed playing through a SyFy mini series movie thing, can we really just have something new? This game is pretty cool, but I didn't see anything about it that stood above and beyond all the other first person shooters I've been playing. I swear, the dude has a nanosuit. This game needs the option where you can grab hold of an enemy and swing them around like a ball bat or Toss them into outer space or through the window of a rental car. That my friends is innovative.Ultimate Warrior Promos are also innovative.

The person who invented the Pop Tart with frosting and sprinkles, now that person is innovative.
This game gets 36 foot dive into a 12" kiddie pool

NOTE: *I only played like 2 hours of this game.Then stopped to kill this spider that was on the ground, which I totally think I got him cause I rolled around on the ground like I was on fire and pretty much solved the problem. I think at the end you all go out for ice cream. I'd like to imagine that's what happens.   read

11:45 AM on 03.17.2011

Review : Homefront the Awesome Review yeah.

So I just got done with my adventure with Homefront not to be confused with Homeward Bound: The incredible Journey, which I thought this was what this game was based off of, but there were no dogs or cats trying to find their way home, instead I got a bunch of angry people and prison camps.

This is not a game about Michael Vicks Animal Shelter.

For those of you who don't know or have never heard of this game, and want to know about it, you can go to your local library and check out a book about America's Bad Economy and then check out another book about Korea being all Korea, and in the end, you get this

Lots of Noodles...

To Sum up what is happening, Americas economy is broke, like always cause we don't have awesome presidents like Teddy Roosevelt riding buffalo's or WIliam Taft punching through walls like the kool-aid man. Well, Korea gets wind of this, decides "ey, what the hell, lets all join as one nation, and go attack America." Which they do, and thats when shit hits the fan.

You basically play as this group of rag tag people, really wanting to be the A-Team, but not really, instead they turn out to be like the Biker Mice from Mars mixed with the fun antics of the Harlem Globetrotters, trying to save America. Plot of the game now understood, on to mechanics, graphics, music, other thoughts.

Mechanics: I could move around and shoot things, but no where in this game could I grab a bicycle and do a sweet backflip off a Tank into a swimming pool. It controls pretty much like every other shooter if thats what you want to hear.
Grade: Super bitchin 360

oh and this guy

Graphics: pshhh, good enough to keep me interested, but not once in this game did I see someone who had a third nipple. That should be required in every game as an easter egg or at least a sub character that runs around with your rag tag group of survivalist renegades. This one time I threw a grenade and it landed in a chimney, and this old chinese lady came out and was like "Ey, why did you blow up my fireplace?!" So as the kind character I was I went to her, gave her 200 lbs of meat (cause that's all I could carry on my adventure), and she gave me this bitchin Bay City High Tigers Class ring. It didn't really do anything, wasn't even a power up or ammo, it just was rad, and that's that.
Grade: Half a Captain Planet Kwami

Music: I really didnt hear alot of it, I heard screaming, bullets flying, explosions, but not once...NOT ONCE did the game pause to play Lou Bega - Mambo No. 5
This game could have gotten like Game of the Year if they just looped that song in there during an action scene or maybe whenever some sort of hilarious hijinks were going down.
MAMBO No 5 vid (stupid youtube wont let me embed this amazing music that makes Whoopie Goldberg do that breakdancing spinny thing on her head.
Then again maybe I didn't hear any music cause I was rockin out to George Michaels Greatest Hits the whole time through. Sweet Saxaphone jams man.
Grade: Steve Grimmett Grim Reaper Grimace

Overall, after 7 hours of play, a nap, going to grab some pizza, coming home, playing again, running around in the game of someones backyard trying to operate their lawn mower and grill to no success, shooting a bunch of bad guys, saving someone that looked like Pauly Shore,

this game was alright. Its a great game for kids to learn about US History without having to go to school and hear about it.

Final Verdict:
Jon Carnage informed me I forgot to put this lol, such a good guy. I loved this game, sure it had its weird vibes in it that when I went to sleep I'd wake up in cold sweats thinking the Vietkong were stealing my toilet paper, but once you get over that, it's a good experience.
Well I have to say, that this game greatly deserves
4.5 Homeless Shopping Carts being pushed by a bearded William H Macy.

Update: I was told I needed a little clean up.
So here

Shits all clean now.
I also did this post from a cell phone.

(note: I've never played this game but I've seen pictures and videos of it so really this is what I think it would be like to play it.)   read

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