The most ELECTRIFYING Man in Gaming Entertainment. The Innovator of Random, taking you to the Top of Space Mountain, and crashing down on you for the 1, 2,3. Host of the Rad Show: Get There!
I have worked in the music industry, the radio industry, the engineering industry, and the wrestling industry. I represent Dtoid Western Kentucky Division 404. I like to make video games more entertaining. I also like riding ponies while eating bags of gummy bears. I also assist with various other Programs on the Streams. You can find me weekdays assisting with Mash Tactics or generally throwing randomness.
I plan on entertaining, or at least trying to entertain as much as I can until I forget to post, which happens when you're a busy person who is busy.
So basically I'm gonna try, until I need a day off and forget to post, and then someone is like man that guy was really cool, I think he died or something like the ultimate warrior, cause that's what happens when someone disappears, everyone assumes they're dead...or well at least I do. I swear that I thought Danny Glover died like 3 years ago. But when he sent me a message on twitter after I commented about him dying in a river rafting fruit collecting contest in Utah, I was like, "holy crap, he's not dead."
He was all like," y0 lucha,when you gonna do another review?" and I was like, "shit son, I've been busy twerkin dem mean streets of East Compton KY, but shit since you're so badly wanting a review, you get one"
This game isn't even finished, but Fuck yeah its radical as hell. I don't even care. You run around all combat, diving to the ground rolling around like it's nobodies business. I've never played Arma Uno, or Arma Twice. I was like shit here's 33 bucks for Arma III because Uncle Sam gave me money for being so extreme dollar bills shot out his ass and I grabbed them like the money machine at Shoe Carnival.
You can drive things
You can shoot things
you can drive on basketball courts
you can ramp over things
You can even Scuba dive and explore the wonderful world of Russian Oceans or maybe it's the Ohio River. Either way, I had fun adventuring in the water shooting fish.
I even MADE FRIENDS
This Silly Bear found me a Helicopter
Things got HAIRY up in the sky
But the adventure didn't end here.
actually, it did.
Anyways, This game is pretty magical. I ramped over cliffs, scuba dived, killed terrorist, listened to people on mic shout bravo alpha 30 clicks, and things like, "fuckin Johnny Luchador is driving the 4 wheelers into the ocean" and other great lines like, "someone kill that Johnny Luchador guy, he just took the chopper full of our squad and flew it head first into a group of enemies"
The graphics are top notch.
The sound is loud, and their's alot of military dramatic music that sounds like a Denzel Washington movie.
The gameplay is complicated because it's so real with a million damn buttons to do different things.
I give this game
11.7 shirtless Men in a mountain area holding a sword and +45 Mana Points for the bitchin Mustache
Hey Peeps, Johnny Luchador of Dtoid.tv here. So I had the opportunity to head to WWE Smackdown in Evansville on Syfy.
To live up to the previous invasion by community member Suff0cat back in 2008, I made it a goal that at one point during my many visits to WWE events, I would represent Destructoid. So, dressed in Destructador/Luchatoid gear from head to toe, I ventured with my best buds to WWE Smackdown with ringside/announcer side seats. Now, being a streamer on Dtoid.tv of the Super Fantastic Video Game Rad Show: Get There, I decided to make a Hey Dtoid Niero sign to flash as much as possible because hell, why make a Destructoid sign when I basically embodied our robot overlord every time they panned a camera. Here's an awesome video of it I just made.Yeah the Youtube link.
Before the show, no, I am not at a strip club with a Referee in the background.
Here's some pictures from the Superstars Taping
A Wild Lucha appears! Totally an effin 2 Count.
This punk don't know the power of Luchamania.
The First spotting of the Niero sign.
Yes, we are the official fan club of WWE Ref John Cone
Daniel Bryan is a Vegan, Brushing with CREST! CREST! CREST! keeps that smile perfect.
Keep on Brushin Dem Teef
Zackkriderrswooo woo wooos
I think this is Justin TV guy.
Happy Birthday Ref Charles Robinson
MUSCLE CAKE. It's the RAd Show: Get There Mascot. The sign says "I'm Here for Muscle Cake Dtoid.TV"
more MUSCLE from wwe,com
Dtoid Niero sign during the main event.
Booker T's Yard Sale ----> was a total success, King Booker, loved the sign and kept laughing at my ability to be a total assclown.
So yeah, if you watched, you most likely saw me a blue million times. If you missed it, you can check it out on wwe dot com or just get on your cable dvr box and watch it on demand or that youtubes. ooo weee.
So you may be wondering, just where the hell has Johnny Luchador been? Where have the posts vanished off to? Well I've been busy being a Grown Ass Man, busy Streaming on the Destructoid Twitch channel, and well, wrestling small mammals. Anywho, I figured the best way to return to the world of internet literature is to give you guys a Lucha review. Let's just start this post out with the following.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no legs.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no arms.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman who was blind.
I didn't have sex with a burn victim, thats actually a lie
and I had sex with a mute.
Now you may be asking, "what in the holy hotdog hell are you babbling about?!"
That's right folks, I just got finished playing...er clicking through Katawa Shoujo. Now you're saying, "is that the game where you try to date/sex Handi-capped Animes?" Which my response is, "unfortunately, yes it is. I had no clue what this game even was and was told it was actually the sequel to Demolition Man with Wesley Snipes."
To my dismay, Wesley Snipes is not in this game, nor is Hans Gruber, Simon Gruber, Randy Savage, Mr Belvedere, or Jackie Chan. But Harry Potter is in this game.
So what would possess a man to download this Free game about hooking up with women with disabilities? The answer is simple and in two parts. The first reason is because it's free and who couldn't pass up a free game. The second is, well, I honestly don't know how to say it in a way without pissing off someone so I'll just review it and you make your own damn decisions.
From what I understand, you're this dude named Jamal Jeffries. You somehow have a heart attack under a tree because you're a ding dong who probably eats fast food for every meal. The next thing you know you're in this school/hospital thing run by none other than Dr Gregory House. I guess because you have heart problems or you're actually the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. So things pan into a classroom where you meet, Anime 1 and Anime 2. They talk alot, you click alot, and then you begin to wonder, "this game would be so much cooler with less talking and more people getting scissor kicked while an animated version of Carl Weathers arm wrestles anime bears or squids."
After clicking about 15 minutes straight, I get knocked down by some chick in the hall. To my amazement...the girl...was no other than Lieutenant Dan's daughter. We'll call her Sprinkles the Kid. Anywho, yadda yadda, next thing I know, she is best friends with Girl with No Arms....Then I stopped. I wondered to myself what it would be like if this was a sitcom because it would be the number 1 watched show on TV. More clicking...then you're at a track meet. Sprinkles the Kid is there.
She Literally Runs Track Meet with the Flippy Floppy Leggy Things.
She beats Ghost Rider in a race, and you end up telling her how Radical she is.
Things get hot and heavy, and now I'm having intercourse with a legless Sprinkles the Kid in a woodshed.
Mentally disturbed, I decided to backtrack I didn't understand how or what in Gods name just occurred.
Luckily, there's a Save feature where you can save the "choose your own adventure" directives.
So we go back in time without Marty and Doc, and I start frantically clicking again. Now, my goal here is figure out how to prevent "hooking" up with Animes, and instead finish my schooling to become Ruler of the Moon. The Hardy Boys and Nacy Drew will never solve the mystery of Old Man McGreggor and the Abandoned Coal Mine.
So to let you waste some thinking about the complexity of it all, here is a picture of more stumps and not the Zombie.
I stumbled on some more, but...I clicked the wrong things...and I ended up with the Dark Knight with no Arms.
The Story goes on, and on, and on. I maybe read 4 words. I learned that
YOU SLEEP ALOT. LIKE YOU'RE A NARCOLEPTIC INSOMNIAC.
Did I mention there's a girl with no arms?
I could go on more explaining the horrors of this abomination, but here in the South,
I can only describe my experience with this game like so.
I'm too old for this shit.
*note Katawa Shoujo translates roughly to Mexican Tortilla Soldier.
As creative as an imagination as I've had for years, I always tend to say, I'm so gonna do this, but then I get side tracked and end up not doing something and then some jackass goes and does what I said I was gonna do before I ever get around to it. So let me be the first to throw out to the gaming community my ideas, please build on these so I can share the royalties with you.
6 Games that don't exist but should
6) Old Man On The Porch: The Game
"When I grow old, I can't wait to sit on a porch all day long and yell at people walking by." I've said this for years, before Gran Torino, before being old was cool. It's basically how it sounds. You play as an elderly man that you create: who doesn't like making old people with pants up to their belly buttons? From there you set up a metal folding chair (more chairs unlocked as you progress), and yell at people as the day passes by, occasionally getting up to throw something at someone, tell someone how the old days were, drink a beer, get up to piss unless you just want to pee yourself cause peeing your pants is da coolest, and occasional nap time. I really don't know how to explain what game it would play like, I guess it could be a Kinect Title or Move title, hell it just sounds like a drunken rampage of fun times.
If Peeing your pants is cool, just call me Miles Davis
5) Heads Up Seven Up/Red Rover Reloaded
This game was played in School for a teacher to have time to grade papers or just for filler cause they ran out of things to talk about in a subject. There was no lesson from Heads Up 7 Up, just trying to guess who tapped you on the back of the head. Now that I think about it, man I could have gotten lice from some of the kids hair I was touching. Anywho, most the time kids cheated cause we were all cheating little shits peaking at peoples shoes or faking a sneeze to get our heads up to see who was the one who thought they'd be sneaky enough to try to pull a fast one on us. I threw in Red Rover because some people have no clue what head up seven up is, so its a combo game. That's right, two effin games for your mind to go boom. The game would pretty much play like your Splinter Cells and Metal Gears, just sneak around tapping people who have their heads down on a desk in the head. But don't use too much force or you'll get suspended for busting Brian Andersons nose because he was a jerk anyways and no one liked him. Red Rover is how it sounds, run like a bastard and try to break through the line of arms, or run and do a flying clothesline or flying elbow to the nearest kids face to break through, except you get suspended because you're not suppose to be that aggressive. Then pick up Matt McDonaldson and give him a german suplex for being a stupid mark. True Story.
4) Ragin Cajun: The sequel to Bayou Billy
Not much more to say, just buy it because its Bayou Billys Sequel. You will probably get frustrated, another gaming site will give it a "9.5" because they are morons, but we all know it's worthy of a 7.5 but we'll secretly in our hearts believe it to be the greatest thing to ever grace the face of the planet. So awesome that we'll miss the second coming of Christ because we'll be too busy trying to figure out just what the hell we're doing in this game.
this could happen....
3) Couch Cushion Fort Building Championship Edition
I would play the holy shit outta this game. Seriously, Minecraft...pshhh you for babies. The real deal is Couch Fort Building. I don't need a pick axe, I got hands, hands that build fortresses of awesome. Now while some of you built your little fortresses outta pillows and blankets, you'd get to rest assured that after you were done, it was still looking good until you dismantled it...well not in Lucha's house. When my friends and I built our forts we had to stay up all night and defend it from my dad, who was a ruthless warlord throwing Encyclopedia Britannica's at our build/our faces and dumping a bucket of water on us. Yea, welcome to the Real World of Warcraft(I've never played it, but I'm sure its weak compared to getting a face full of history from a heavy book hitting you). So we'd set up trip lines and tin can alarms and prepared for the worst. That is until my little sister ran into one of our trip wires with her forehead and now has a scar from it, sorry sis. This element has to be part of the game, kind of like Clock Tower where you're just waiting for the attack.
2) Kinect Burly Man/Lumber Jack Contest
Man have I always watched those on TV and gone, holy shit this is hardcore man stuff I really want to carve a can of PBR out of a 60 lb Log and then drink motor oil out of it. It takes a true man of man to compete in these outdoor Chest Hair fests, and what better way to become a man than to stand in front of your TV wielding an imaginary Axe as you chop through firetrucks and spit grizzly bear blood onto a spectating crowd. There could be Log chucking competitions, mud bog running, log river rolling, and an arm wrestling tough man contest straight outta Over The Top! They have all these work out games on Kinect that totally do not appeal to me because they are all weightloss games. Screw that I wanna be Cut. I want to be able to pick up the back of a semi truck and flip it on its tail end because I now go by Paul Bunyan.
Oh and because a certain Dtoider wants to Karaoke really bad, we're throwing in the After the Contest Drink Mead outta things you've carved and Karaoke Contest to finish the night of festivities. I think this game just gave me a hard on.
HOT DAMN MAN STUFF!!!
1) Grave Diggers Monster Truck Sandbox Adventure As a child I had this dream where I'd be sitting somewhere or being stuck doing some chore that I did not want to do, when all of the sudden the sound of a large engine revs and Grave Digger plows through the grocery store doing 360's crushing aisles 8-15, or Grave Digger driving through the high school gym slam dunking a basketball while on 1 tire. This is the game dreams are made of. An open world Sandbox of Destruction with a Monster Truck. It would be that game where you just can ramp over whatever or crush whatever (school buses included). I guess you could throw in a story line where you're trying to better society by bringing pure Muscle Power to society, but in the end you get the girl/guy you've been trying to impress with your awesome skills while playing a amazing keytar solo out the driver side window while fireworks shoot out the tailpipes. It doesn't have to be a giant $60 game. Just a few bucks on one of the Marketplaces. I just request that there's a bitchin rad southern rock music going on and a few Pepsi sponsor things hanging out on banners and ponys, lots of ponys.
A little different than a normal Johnny Luchador Lunch Time Review Special for $4.99, but since its been a dry week for "stellar" games to review, we're gonna change things up a little bit. Today I review those who Judge a Game by its Cover.
People don't know how to have fun with games anymore. It's sad, I mean, really sad. Today everyone will look at a picture or a video of a game, and immediately throw a brick through a window to voice their opinion negatively on something they haven't yet to experience. Honestly, it pisses me off. It's like a sports fan saying someones team sucks before a season even starts, then that team that supposedly sucks ends up winning the championship. You've all heard the spill about walking in 10 foot of snow in your underwear to catch a school bus that your grandpa tells you when you bitch and whine, well here's a reality check, I've climbed that mountain. Call me old school, or just old, but when I grew up we had Atari, Nes, Genesis, Sega CD, 32X, SNES, Neo Geo, Jaguar, and so on. I didn't wake up one day to have my first system be a Playstation or a Xbox 360. Hell nah, when we wanted to play something that had "next gen" graphics, we had to walk our happy asses to an Arcade (remember those?) and spend quarters to play about 2 minutes before we had to insert more coins.
Games have improved over the years, there's been some bad ones, there's been some alright ones, there's been some fantastic ones. But the 1 thing I've learned over the years is to keep my mouth shut until I've actually experienced the game. Then, and only then can I have the right to give an opinion that amounts to anything.
I think my fondest memory of a bad game was this title called S.O.S, I think thats what it was titles, it was for SNES.
confimed, gonna take ya to da mooobies
As a child, anything that kept my attention span active was a successful game. However, It's really the first game that I started to play and went, "seriously, what the holy hell is this?" You basically were on a boat/cruise ship/noah's ark, that was sinking. I think you were suppose to save people, or get off the boat. Anywho, long story short, as bad as this title was, I can't tell you how much fun my friends and I had, taking the character we were given, climbing to this tall ladder up the very side of the inside of the vessel, up onto a ledge about 100 stories high it seemed, then leaping to our deaths shouting things like "holy shit this is totally rad" or " bitchin camero!". We must have killed that poor bastard over 800 times.
"you speak the r-truth brotha!"
I believe that was the point in my life, where I realized, you don't have to play a game and follow the rules of it to have fun, you can totally go within your own little world, and have some of the most memorable experiences ever in gaming.
My life completely changed from this moment forth. Every game was now a target. It didn't matter what other people thought about it, because 99% of the comments people made hadn't even played it, and were just voicing opinions that were about as credible as Sasquatch trying to use a debit card. -Authors side note: Sorry, that would just be incredibly rad if I saw Sasquatch trying to buy jeans at the GAP. I asked myself then, as I ask myself now, "what can I do to make this hilarious and memorable?" Being from the south, we had a Nascar game (note: we didnt' install it, it came on the computer) on the PC we owned at the time.
Oops is not what this guy wanted to hear
Green Light went off, my car stood still while the other cars drove around me, then I hit it in reverse, did a 180, and started driving the wrong direction. The poor leader of the pack #24 a fresh new comer at the time, didn't know what hit him at 200 mph as he flipped and knocked out around 15 more drivers. I basically made the game demolition derby before it was even thought about on PS1. Doom deathmatch now became see how long I can follow behind a guy punching him in the head before he starts typing hateful things at me (editors note: There use to not be a thing called a headset that you could shout into, you had to type your anger in CAPS). Now I know, you're gonna say, "Johnny, you're a griefer" and my response, "I'm like David Blaine, make this shit all disappear", only for you to be confused and me to steal your wallet and pour the contents over your head.
I get my powers from double A batteries
But that's not the point. The point is, you can take any game, be it the graphics are bad, the frame rate is bad, the sound is bad, the milks gone bad, the grandma kicked the bucket put her in the freezer bad, or even the mechanics are bad, and you can make it worth your time. After you get your kicks and laughter, then you can tell people, this game was terrible. But make sure you share your funny moments of altering the main goal. I review a lot of titles, but I make a point to have good humor with my thoughts and not try to bury something. As a wise musician who now has really big britches and never calls me anymore once told me about a bus full of groupies, "you can't hate on it, til you hit it". I take this to heart, and I think more people in society should give up on being ignorant and look at the big picture, especially in the gaming industry.
I had to put a family friendly picture here, cause I can't post pictures of girls doing immoral things on a bus
I was playing Gears of War 3 beta last night, when someone started talking trash about Brink. It's not even out yet. But he felt that his ability to see the future better than a Jamaican fortune teller really meant he could persuade people not to play it. So after listening to his rant, I proceeded to follow him, and only him, rev'n up my chainsaw gun. Finally, after 10 minutes of him hearing chainsaw in his ear, he stopped moving, asked me, "what the hell is your problem?!", which I told him, "my problem is that you have been ranting for 10 minutes only for everyone on your team to abandon you and I felt that I should contribute noise in your ear for your rambling" Then he yelled at me, and I blew up frag grenades around him, and told him until he starts having fun he's in time out. He either went to bed cause his mom was mad, or he just realized he was a dipshit, and left the match. Everyone in the session, was so happy that I had gotten rid of this guy (who had been talking trash about the game and other titles not even out yet for the past 8 matches) that the next match we stood around in a circle on Murderball and let the sign fall on us. Cause that's Teamwork, and that's what fun is all about.
To Conclude I'm saying this: You bunch of Hipster Hippie Scenester Jock Wieners; (insert other uncool thing) can sit down and stop acting like elitist Assholes. Just keep your negative nancyness to yourself until you have some credibility or have experienced the title in full. There's already too many opinions out there as is, but all you're doing is making yourself look like a jackass without any credibility, so would you like Paper or Plastic with that?
I give those people:
Rem Lezar singing so society can be a better place.