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Johnny Luchador's blog
destructoid  Video Luchador

6:05 PM on 08.26.2013

Pax Avatar: Adopt Me Please n shit rad.

Here is a VIDEO PLEAING to ADOPT ME, I hope you guys enjoy it.

Hi, I'm Johnny Luchador, Destructoids resident Luchador and's son of Jon Carnage and Rick Fuller.
I'm not going to PAX. Why am I not going to PAX? Hell if I know, but I'm not going. Probably because I'm a grown up who has a wife and responsibilities yada yada old person talk. So I figure that with the good will and fighting spirit you bastards have, someone could adopt my sorry ass at at least take a photo or two of you doing something completely dumb with my picture in tow. After said photo is taken, you can dump me like a cheap hooker. I mean like you can staple my picture to a bathroom stall or just toss it in a dumpster behind a Dennys. My feelings will not be hurt one bit.  
Here is an example of something stupid you can do with my picture

With such a factor, you will be presented as Grand Marshall of Rad Show for a cast and uh, I'll repay you by doing something dumb on the show like usual, but in your honor. I'm all about a true Gentlemanly Gesture from one of you the magical people here.
Amuse me. Also if you take my picture to Niero and say Lucha sent you at the Bar he'll buy you a Large Glass of Milk. Who doesn't like milk?
Anywho, That's my plea. If you want to adopt me, you can take this picture along with you on your journey. Try not to get too many autographs because when you walk around with this a bunch of loose women will try to "show you a good time". Don't be pulled in by their snake venom ways, for you don't need to get any sort of sexual disease while you're having fun at PAX.

I have a gigantic like bigger picture of this if you need a bigger picture. Or I can just mail the one I have of this framed in my bathroom that I look vainly at myself when I take a shower.
It's probably a good idea to Adopt me.


3:02 PM on 07.30.2013

TO San Francisco...with Johnny Luchador. A Picture Journey

I went to San Fransisco the other day. You may be asking, "why did you go to such a place?" Honestly, I have no clue, I just wanted to run around like an idiot, and I accomplished this. For a full catalog of the adventure you'd have to be my facepage friend, but I decided to size down some of this adventure for you guys to see. Lots of Dtoid, lots of hilarity.
So lets begin this journey.

I arrive in Spencer Hayes's Car. It's small, but gets us around. Spencer is a example of video games making people good drivers.... He must have played alot of Twisted Metal

These two Gentleman are rather Comfy riding the scooter together. At least if I need a taxi the number is easy to remember.

In the South these are called Hardee's. California is full of hippy shit.

In my Hotel Room was a caster Phil and resident awesome chatter/dtoid commenter Skateallday

We found a radiopools as well.

Spencer is Straight out of Compton, or he likes to believe.

We went to go visit our friends over at Jon Carnage was really happy to see me.

Jamie, Jon's fiance, decided to put him in a drop toe hold.

That night we decided to get Burritos

This Mariachi loved us so much he played us Mexican love songs til we fell asleep on the street in the Mission. Zoeker had a Burrito

This is what San Franciscoites eat for explains alot.

They are some weird people. I mean just what the hell is this?

I finally found a friend who could understand me

But he made me a fool...he too was a San Franciscoite...cold and evil

I felt defeat...for I was all alone.

I consoled with Nelson Mandela. He was no help, he just stood there like some wax figure.

I looked at myself in the mirror to reflect on my future plans on what i needed to do to get out of this funk.

I asked our President for help..but he was too busy giving the San Fran homeless Cell I went to another group of friends.

After discussing with Slick Willy, and the Bush Twins, we came to agreement, that more Fun needed to be had.

For the Power of Moses was blessed on me for a unholy union of awesome.

He showed us the truth that Steve Erwin was actually killed by Rambo.

Our Tour guide Skateallday managed to sneak us on a Battleship.

Man ye Battlestations, for I just drove this bitch into the Pier.

For some reason I sang Perfect Strangers Theme song the whole time here.

We can do it people, we really can. The lady next to me agree'd.

That night, we went to Spencer, Phil, and Kenny's house to do the Gentlemans/RadShow on this is Marcus, he is their Swaggy Neighbor, he can twerk like no other.

Phil and Spencer love one another very much.

We sang the night away. You should check out that show, it was effin awesome.

We went to Dennys for Conrad/Jim/Holmes/Samit/Brett/Max/AliD/Steven's birthday...they were not there. But Spencer ate pancakes.

I played the Claw Machine with Scottie Pippin. We won all the prizes.

Zoltar told me my future that I would finally meet Niero and Hamza that day. After I met 6'10 Ben Pack.

This is Ben, he stands on top of the Hill looking over SAn Fran. He's tall, something something Rev 3.

I walked into the Niero's neighborhood, I admired his street art that he does when he's not keeping your website alive.

Niero gave us an address...but didnt tell us there was a door around the side. So if you ever go visit Niero, do not, DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR. IT's broke, it's held by a Rubberband. The lady who lives there doesn't speak english and swings a broom at you. She is not pictured in this adventure. But she has fire in her eyes.


I found this old thing inside.

Then I found this thing. Note: Hamza is just as sexy in person as he is on the internet. Just look at that seduction in his eyes.

Niero and I have the same watch, he has the biggest guns on the planet. 24 inch Hulk Hogan Pythons. Just look at that muscle. I also passed the torch of the old green luchador mask to him. He now can sit in his living room suplexing things.

Niero blurred this picture with his magic. Thanks bud.

When I go places, I go with a Posse so I look like some sort of Rapper. I brought many friends like Jon Carnage

Even Pico Mause showed up.

And Even more friends. Alot more not pictured.

We got Taco's at Nieros local taco mart thing, then we took a train with Niero to parties.

To the BAR!

The Bar wouldnt let me have a mask on/hat on. So after breaking kayfabe, having a drink, we went to the giant donut place to compete for Giant Donut wall of fame. Spencer has won 4 times. Phil has too.

The next day was Lucha/Mrs. Lucha time, no pictures here.

The day after we went to Japantown, and saw Animes.

Phil Approves

Spencer was so looking at Anime Porn.

We found Stella Wong in the Japan Town! She was the best.

Anywho, it was a rad trip, I'm tired. And I missed my ol Kentucky Home, but I believe I at least left my mark on San Fran. And I'm glad they accepted me as their Luchador King. Thanks to Phil, Spencer, Zoeker, Skate, Niero, Hamza, Niero's friend Rey Mysterio, Stella, Jon Carnage, Jamie, Pico, and the homeless guy who tried to rob me but only got punked out by me.

I'll leave you guys with this.

9:45 PM on 05.23.2013

Lucha's Thoughts: Xbox One/Ps4

Greetings shitbirds,
So all I've heard this week is, XBOX One, Xbox One, no Games, yadda yadda, It looks like a VCR, omg, I don't like TV, PS4 is better, PS4 gets my money, bitch bitch bitch. So Papa Lucha decided to educate the people with some gifs.
first off.
If you bitched, complained, said PC is better, PS4 is Better, Xbox One is better. Guess what.

You're totally falling into the frenzy/hype/disappointment/love/hate. You pull the trigger early and you act as if nothing is staged. This is all staged. Xbox One has been trending on twitter all damn week. It's a brilliant marketing ploy. And you fell for it.
Just remember folks, Any press is good press. The same thing happened with PS4. But instead we get, "but they showed games!". That's great and all, but you've got plenty of great games already, not to mention we've basically already seen these games at other events. So your argument here is best told with this.

I'll end up buying both systems because I'm your typical tech junkie who has to have the newest and coolest gadgets. I'll play my ps4 and be happy. I'll play my xbox one and be happy. I'll continue to play on my PC and be happy. It's not about systems, it's about entertainment and having a good time. Both next gen systems will provide that. Each will have their frills, each will have their frustrations.
I'm just as guilty as the rest of you guys. Society in this day and age is spoiled.

I truly realized this the other day when my father was forced into getting a Smart Phone. He calls me after supposedly walking around my house, looking through windows because he decided not to knock on my front door or ring my doorbell. "Guess no one lives at your house?" he states. I respond, "what the holy hell are you talking about?"
"No Lights on, windows are closed, it's like you live in an abandoned house" - he continues. "Dad, we were in the living room, I watched you walk by, and you looked blankly right at me" I inform him. "Well, I'm out front, I've got this new phone, I have no clue how to use it" he pleas. "yeah, mom told me they made you get rid of the flip phone" I continue. So I go outside to a man looking frazzled pushing the screen of his new phone. I hop in his truck and ask him what he needs to know. Which he responds, "how do I get voicemail?" From there I show him. Then I get the next following questions which I answer.
"Where is my clock?", "where is my calculator", " how to I make the phone vibrate so I'll know someone is calling when I'm on a tractor", "how do I check the weather", " whats text messaging", "why does the battery die so quickly", "the lady at the store said something about gps"
If you look at the beginning questions, they are all simple things that have always been on our phones. He could care less about fancy things, he just wants the things that get him through the day. This is the same man who has Andy Griffith as his ring tone, and has never changed it. The same man who I watched the show with as a kid, and I realized watching it that the world we live in is awful. People were kind, people were content.

So then I decided to show him all the neat things you can do. I showed him how to get on the internet. Now, he gets on my mothers macbook and checks the weather, looks at classic cars, searches for equipment, etc. But showing him he could do this on the phone was mind blowing. He complained about the size of the touch screen keyboard, which I agree'd because I get my big thumbs from him. So I said, "dad, you see that little microphone there? you can press it and say what you want to search for". He responds, "no shit?"  I press the button and say, "antique cars". 2 seconds later he has images and content from the web. He was speechless, until he presses the button and says , "Big Titties".

I love my father, and he raised me to be a hard worker, a person with a fire always lit in them, and an entertainer. He also showed me, yet again, that new technology is not bad. It's exciting. So if you're one of those people who are posting concerns and omg's and bitching and complaining about a new product before you've even test drove it, just stop. Sit down, and please, would you SHUT...The Hell...UP.

You're already writing a comment or downvoting. Congrats. I did my job.
Because in the end.

The More you Know.
Reading Rainbow.
Wu Tang 5 Ever.

10:35 PM on 05.02.2013

Contest: Internets Next Top Streamer, Boglin King Edition

Hi, I'm Johnny Luchador, Host of the Super Fantastic Video Game Rad Show: Get THere!
I've been a caster on for like god, since the beginning. I was forged from the Mysterious Jon Carnages' gooch. Never the less, I've been casting for viewers for about 2.5 years bringing you guys the strangest if not craziest things I could come up with every Sunday at 6pm (Gods Time Zone Central) 4pm (Hippy Time Zone PST)
If you've never seen my show, well, sorry because you've missed all sorts of crazy, like psycho ex girlfriend getting a tattoo of the grimace on her inner thigh because you had that one moment in the McDonalds Play Place.
I made it a point to go above and beyond with content every show. I even brought in my best friend Jason so the show could be even awesomer. Anywho, I would love to be your King of the Stream or Winner of the 2013 Streamer Royal Rumble. Honestly I've been reading Dtoid since year 1 and I've never won a contest. So I figured, what the hell, might as well showcase what you beautiful bastards have been missing. So here are some Highlights, over the past 2.5 years and also a full episode of SFVGRS:GET THERE with Jumpin Jason and myself playing Harry Potter on Kinect.

Horse Stacking Championships in Red Dead

We Found Manny Mouse. He needed Friends

So this is what Doors are used for.

This is why you don't let me play Wrestling Games.

This is why you don't let me play any game.

My First act of pure insanity on our very first series: Also Talks. Macbook Pro goes Kaboom with a Pick Axe.

The Very First Rad Show Get There, the start of the Destruction of video games.

We get Festive on Holidays.

Sometimes we don't even play games, we read books.

Two Best Friends, breaking games like normal

So I hope I have enlightened you guys, and I hope you appreciate what I do for
Thank you beautiful bastards for being a great audience, and I hope to see new faces around

Did I win the capture device?

Update you shitbirds: MORE VIDEOS!!!

Europe loves George Michaels

We make popcorn for Jamals Kids for Christmas

How to start your Cast

Oregon Trail with LT3

Batman Works at Starbucks

Mama Moses abandons her baby for French Bread

Update Update: Even more Videos you Silly Bastards!

Slenderman and George Michaels, the perfect mix.

Ever see a 11'11 guy play Basketball? Well on rad show you do. JJ Justice makes it to the NBA DRAFT!

36/m/Top Bear

Mexico Drift son, learned from Vin Diesel n shit

if you ask me to fill in for you, you might just get this for 2 hours.
or this

3:56 PM on 04.01.2013

Merican Dream

Dtoid makin dat wheel barrels of money son.

Twerk on wit y0 crazy selves.   read

2:04 PM on 04.01.2013

Review: GTA V

I got my hands on a copy of GTA V from my friend of a friend of a friends dad who works at Rockstar.
So as your favorite Luchador, I decided to review it for you guys.

This game follows the mishaps and adventures of three bachelors as they attempt to adapt their lives to pseudo-fatherhood with the arrival of one of the men's love child.
Architect Peter Mitchell (Tom Selleck) Sexy

cartoonist Michael Kellam (Steve Guttenberg)Sexy Sexy

and actor Jack Holden (Ted Danson) Sexy Sexy Sexy

are happy living their lives as bachelors in their lofty New York City apartment. Their lives are disrupted when a baby arrives on their doorstep one day.
the Baby looks like this

A note with the child, Mary, indicates that it is Jack's or Michaels, or maybe Peter's I dont know, the result of an affair with a recent co-star. The baby arrives in Jack's absence – he is in Turkey shooting a B movie, I think it was that one episode of Friends actually, leaving Peter and Michael to fend for themselves in taking care of the child, something in which their lack of experience befuddles them. They meet up with Tyler Perry.

who teaches them a life of crime.

At one point, Peter and Michael are mistakenly led to believe that they are to deliver Mary to two men who arrive at their door asking for "the package". They discover moments before their departure that the men are drug dealers who were actually seeking a package of heroin. They retrieve the infant, leaving the men with a can of powdered milk. Dogs licking babies n shit.

What results is a major change to the men's lives as they try to adjust to surrogate fatherhood—balancing the demands of work and the rearing of a child. Soon their paternal instincts take hold, and they grow attached to the child. Eventually, when Jack returns, Peter and Michael do not hesitate in taking their revenge and passing all responsibility of looking after Mary to Jack, but Jack quickly grows to love his daughter, the Wendys Hot Chick.

The drug dealers, demanding payment, eventually ransack the men's apartment looking for their drugs and by ransack they throw a bitchin party with 2 Pac, Kid n Play, and half of the American Gladiators, excluding Malibu cause he's a bitch. The men formulate a plan to trap the dealers when they negotiate a deal to deliver the illicit goods. With a recording of the conversation, the men prove their innocence to the police and the dealers are arrested.

The three men then fully embrace their new role as Mary's guardians, however one day the baby's mother, an English woman named Sylvia (Nancy Travis), arrives, asking for Mary back intending to take her to England to live with her family. Handing her over, the three quickly find themselves miserable and desperately missing Mary. Deciding to stop Sylvia and Mary from leaving, they rush to the airport to try and persuade Sylvia to stay however they arrive just as her plane leaves. Defeated, the men return to their apartment, where they find both Sylvia and Mary. Jokes on them fuckers, now they have to deal with a bunch of women all being womany. Sylvia explains she doesn't want to give up her career but can't do this if she has to raise Mary alone, so Peter quickly invites her and Mary to move into their apartment with them with Jack and Michael's agreement kicking those shitbirds out on the streets to sling more rocks, and she agrees. And they all eat Spaghetti Baskets (UPDATED for DLC ENDING)


13 Distorted Brett Zoodler Faces

10:06 PM on 03.13.2013

Review: Arma III from the Heart of a Luchador

To start, this is all Spencer Hayes' Fault.

He was all like," y0 lucha,when you gonna do another review?" and I was like, "shit son, I've been busy twerkin dem mean streets of East Compton KY, but shit since you're so badly wanting a review, you get one"

This game isn't even finished, but Fuck yeah its radical as hell. I don't even care. You run around all combat, diving to the ground rolling around like it's nobodies business. I've never played Arma Uno, or Arma Twice. I was like shit here's 33 bucks for Arma III because Uncle Sam gave me money for being so extreme dollar bills shot out his ass and I grabbed them like the money machine at Shoe Carnival.

You can drive things

You can shoot things

you can drive on basketball courts

you can ramp over things

You can even Scuba dive and explore the wonderful world of Russian Oceans or maybe it's the Ohio River. Either way, I had fun adventuring in the water shooting fish.


This Silly Bear found me a Helicopter

Things got HAIRY up in the sky

But the adventure didn't end here.

actually, it did.

Anyways, This game is pretty magical. I ramped over cliffs, scuba dived, killed terrorist, listened to people on mic shout bravo alpha 30 clicks, and things like, "fuckin Johnny Luchador is driving the 4 wheelers into the ocean" and other great lines like, "someone kill that Johnny Luchador guy, he just took the chopper full of our squad and flew it head first into a group of enemies"

The graphics are top notch.
The sound is loud, and their's alot of military dramatic music that sounds like a Denzel Washington movie.
The gameplay is complicated because it's so real with a million damn buttons to do different things.

over all
I give this game

11.7 shirtless Men in a mountain area holding a sword and +45 Mana Points for the bitchin Mustache   read

7:02 PM on 06.29.2012

Dtoid Live on WWE Smackdown Son. Ooo Wee

Hey Peeps, Johnny Luchador of here. So I had the opportunity to head to WWE Smackdown in Evansville on Syfy.
To live up to the previous invasion by community member Suff0cat back in 2008, I made it a goal that at one point during my many visits to WWE events, I would represent Destructoid. So, dressed in Destructador/Luchatoid gear from head to toe, I ventured with my best buds to WWE Smackdown with ringside/announcer side seats. Now, being a streamer on of the Super Fantastic Video Game Rad Show: Get There, I decided to make a Hey Dtoid Niero sign to flash as much as possible because hell, why make a Destructoid sign when I basically embodied our robot overlord every time they panned a camera. Here's an awesome video of it I just made.Yeah the Youtube link.

Before the show, no, I am not at a strip club with a Referee in the background.
Here's some pictures from the Superstars Taping

A Wild Lucha appears! Totally an effin 2 Count.

This punk don't know the power of Luchamania.

The First spotting of the Niero sign.

Yes, we are the official fan club of WWE Ref John Cone

more Niero

Daniel Bryan is a Vegan, Brushing with CREST! CREST! CREST! keeps that smile perfect.

Keep on Brushin Dem Teef

Zackkriderrswooo woo wooos

I think this is Justin TV guy.

Happy Birthday Ref Charles Robinson

MUSCLE CAKE. It's the RAd Show: Get There Mascot. The sign says "I'm Here for Muscle Cake Dtoid.TV"

more MUSCLE from wwe,com

Dtoid Niero sign during the main event.

Booker T's Yard Sale ----> was a total success, King Booker, loved the sign and kept laughing at my ability to be a total assclown.
So yeah, if you watched, you most likely saw me a blue million times. If you missed it, you can check it out on wwe dot com or just get on your cable dvr box and watch it on demand or that youtubes. ooo weee.   read

9:41 AM on 01.06.2012

review: Katawa Shoujo..its not Gojo and my hands are still dirty

So you may be wondering, just where the hell has Johnny Luchador been? Where have the posts vanished off to? Well I've been busy being a Grown Ass Man, busy Streaming on the Destructoid Twitch channel, and well, wrestling small mammals. Anywho, I figured the best way to return to the world of internet literature is to give you guys a Lucha review. Let's just start this post out with the following.

I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no legs.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman with no arms.
I totally just had sexual relations with a woman who was blind.
I didn't have sex with a burn victim, thats actually a lie
and I had sex with a mute.

Now you may be asking, "what in the holy hotdog hell are you babbling about?!"
That's right folks, I just got finished clicking through Katawa Shoujo. Now you're saying, "is that the game where you try to date/sex Handi-capped Animes?" Which my response is, "unfortunately, yes it is. I had no clue what this game even was and was told it was actually the sequel to Demolition Man with Wesley Snipes."
To my dismay, Wesley Snipes is not in this game, nor is Hans Gruber, Simon Gruber, Randy Savage, Mr Belvedere, or Jackie Chan. But Harry Potter is in this game.

So what would possess a man to download this Free game about hooking up with women with disabilities? The answer is simple and in two parts. The first reason is because it's free and who couldn't pass up a free game. The second is, well, I honestly don't know how to say it in a way without pissing off someone so I'll just review it and you make your own damn decisions.

From what I understand, you're this dude named Jamal Jeffries. You somehow have a heart attack under a tree because you're a ding dong who probably eats fast food for every meal. The next thing you know you're in this school/hospital thing run by none other than Dr Gregory House. I guess because you have heart problems or you're actually the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. So things pan into a classroom where you meet, Anime 1 and Anime 2. They talk alot, you click alot, and then you begin to wonder, "this game would be so much cooler with less talking and more people getting scissor kicked while an animated version of Carl Weathers arm wrestles anime bears or squids."

After clicking about 15 minutes straight, I get knocked down by some chick in the hall. To my amazement...the girl...was no other than Lieutenant Dan's daughter. We'll call her Sprinkles the Kid. Anywho, yadda yadda, next thing I know, she is best friends with Girl with No Arms....Then I stopped. I wondered to myself what it would be like if this was a sitcom because it would be the number 1 watched show on TV. More clicking...then you're at a track meet. Sprinkles the Kid is there.
She Literally Runs Track Meet with the Flippy Floppy Leggy Things.

She beats Ghost Rider in a race, and you end up telling her how Radical she is.
Things get hot and heavy, and now I'm having intercourse with a legless Sprinkles the Kid in a woodshed.

Mentally disturbed, I decided to backtrack I didn't understand how or what in Gods name just occurred.
Luckily, there's a Save feature where you can save the "choose your own adventure" directives.
So we go back in time without Marty and Doc, and I start frantically clicking again. Now, my goal here is figure out how to prevent "hooking" up with Animes, and instead finish my schooling to become Ruler of the Moon. The Hardy Boys and Nacy Drew will never solve the mystery of Old Man McGreggor and the Abandoned Coal Mine.
So to let you waste some thinking about the complexity of it all, here is a picture of more stumps and not the Zombie.

I stumbled on some more, but...I clicked the wrong things...and I ended up with the Dark Knight with no Arms.

The Story goes on, and on, and on. I maybe read 4 words. I learned that

Did I mention there's a girl with no arms?

I could go on more explaining the horrors of this abomination, but here in the South,
I can only describe my experience with this game like so.


I'm too old for this shit.

*note Katawa Shoujo translates roughly to Mexican Tortilla Soldier.


10:23 PM on 08.29.2011



that is all.   read

5:25 PM on 05.16.2011

Don't Steal My Ideas..okay you can but just give me a few dollars

As creative as an imagination as I've had for years, I always tend to say, I'm so gonna do this, but then I get side tracked and end up not doing something and then some jackass goes and does what I said I was gonna do before I ever get around to it. So let me be the first to throw out to the gaming community my ideas, please build on these so I can share the royalties with you.

6 Games that don't exist but should

6) Old Man On The Porch: The Game

"When I grow old, I can't wait to sit on a porch all day long and yell at people walking by." I've said this for years, before Gran Torino, before being old was cool. It's basically how it sounds. You play as an elderly man that you create: who doesn't like making old people with pants up to their belly buttons? From there you set up a metal folding chair (more chairs unlocked as you progress), and yell at people as the day passes by, occasionally getting up to throw something at someone, tell someone how the old days were, drink a beer, get up to piss unless you just want to pee yourself cause peeing your pants is da coolest, and occasional nap time. I really don't know how to explain what game it would play like, I guess it could be a Kinect Title or Move title, hell it just sounds like a drunken rampage of fun times.

If Peeing your pants is cool, just call me Miles Davis

5) Heads Up Seven Up/Red Rover Reloaded

This game was played in School for a teacher to have time to grade papers or just for filler cause they ran out of things to talk about in a subject. There was no lesson from Heads Up 7 Up, just trying to guess who tapped you on the back of the head. Now that I think about it, man I could have gotten lice from some of the kids hair I was touching. Anywho, most the time kids cheated cause we were all cheating little shits peaking at peoples shoes or faking a sneeze to get our heads up to see who was the one who thought they'd be sneaky enough to try to pull a fast one on us. I threw in Red Rover because some people have no clue what head up seven up is, so its a combo game. That's right, two effin games for your mind to go boom. The game would pretty much play like your Splinter Cells and Metal Gears, just sneak around tapping people who have their heads down on a desk in the head. But don't use too much force or you'll get suspended for busting Brian Andersons nose because he was a jerk anyways and no one liked him. Red Rover is how it sounds, run like a bastard and try to break through the line of arms, or run and do a flying clothesline or flying elbow to the nearest kids face to break through, except you get suspended because you're not suppose to be that aggressive. Then pick up Matt McDonaldson and give him a german suplex for being a stupid mark. True Story.

4) Ragin Cajun: The sequel to Bayou Billy

Not much more to say, just buy it because its Bayou Billys Sequel. You will probably get frustrated, another gaming site will give it a "9.5" because they are morons, but we all know it's worthy of a 7.5 but we'll secretly in our hearts believe it to be the greatest thing to ever grace the face of the planet. So awesome that we'll miss the second coming of Christ because we'll be too busy trying to figure out just what the hell we're doing in this game.

this could happen....

3) Couch Cushion Fort Building Championship Edition

I would play the holy shit outta this game. Seriously, Minecraft...pshhh you for babies. The real deal is Couch Fort Building. I don't need a pick axe, I got hands, hands that build fortresses of awesome. Now while some of you built your little fortresses outta pillows and blankets, you'd get to rest assured that after you were done, it was still looking good until you dismantled it...well not in Lucha's house. When my friends and I built our forts we had to stay up all night and defend it from my dad, who was a ruthless warlord throwing Encyclopedia Britannica's at our build/our faces and dumping a bucket of water on us. Yea, welcome to the Real World of Warcraft(I've never played it, but I'm sure its weak compared to getting a face full of history from a heavy book hitting you). So we'd set up trip lines and tin can alarms and prepared for the worst. That is until my little sister ran into one of our trip wires with her forehead and now has a scar from it, sorry sis. This element has to be part of the game, kind of like Clock Tower where you're just waiting for the attack.

2) Kinect Burly Man/Lumber Jack Contest

Man have I always watched those on TV and gone, holy shit this is hardcore man stuff I really want to carve a can of PBR out of a 60 lb Log and then drink motor oil out of it. It takes a true man of man to compete in these outdoor Chest Hair fests, and what better way to become a man than to stand in front of your TV wielding an imaginary Axe as you chop through firetrucks and spit grizzly bear blood onto a spectating crowd. There could be Log chucking competitions, mud bog running, log river rolling, and an arm wrestling tough man contest straight outta Over The Top! They have all these work out games on Kinect that totally do not appeal to me because they are all weightloss games. Screw that I wanna be Cut. I want to be able to pick up the back of a semi truck and flip it on its tail end because I now go by Paul Bunyan.

Oh and because a certain Dtoider wants to Karaoke really bad, we're throwing in the After the Contest Drink Mead outta things you've carved and Karaoke Contest to finish the night of festivities. I think this game just gave me a hard on.


1) Grave Diggers Monster Truck Sandbox Adventure
As a child I had this dream where I'd be sitting somewhere or being stuck doing some chore that I did not want to do, when all of the sudden the sound of a large engine revs and Grave Digger plows through the grocery store doing 360's crushing aisles 8-15, or Grave Digger driving through the high school gym slam dunking a basketball while on 1 tire. This is the game dreams are made of. An open world Sandbox of Destruction with a Monster Truck. It would be that game where you just can ramp over whatever or crush whatever (school buses included). I guess you could throw in a story line where you're trying to better society by bringing pure Muscle Power to society, but in the end you get the girl/guy you've been trying to impress with your awesome skills while playing a amazing keytar solo out the driver side window while fireworks shoot out the tailpipes. It doesn't have to be a giant $60 game. Just a few bucks on one of the Marketplaces. I just request that there's a bitchin rad southern rock music going on and a few Pepsi sponsor things hanging out on banners and ponys, lots of ponys.

[embed]197299:38528[/embed]   read

10:38 AM on 05.04.2011

The Anatomy of A Jar of Pickles: Written by Johnny Best Selling Author x 4

A little different than a normal Johnny Luchador Lunch Time Review Special for $4.99, but since its been a dry week for "stellar" games to review, we're gonna change things up a little bit. Today I review those who Judge a Game by its Cover.
People don't know how to have fun with games anymore. It's sad, I mean, really sad. Today everyone will look at a picture or a video of a game, and immediately throw a brick through a window to voice their opinion negatively on something they haven't yet to experience. Honestly, it pisses me off. It's like a sports fan saying someones team sucks before a season even starts, then that team that supposedly sucks ends up winning the championship. You've all heard the spill about walking in 10 foot of snow in your underwear to catch a school bus that your grandpa tells you when you bitch and whine, well here's a reality check, I've climbed that mountain. Call me old school, or just old, but when I grew up we had Atari, Nes, Genesis, Sega CD, 32X, SNES, Neo Geo, Jaguar, and so on. I didn't wake up one day to have my first system be a Playstation or a Xbox 360. Hell nah, when we wanted to play something that had "next gen" graphics, we had to walk our happy asses to an Arcade (remember those?) and spend quarters to play about 2 minutes before we had to insert more coins.

Games have improved over the years, there's been some bad ones, there's been some alright ones, there's been some fantastic ones. But the 1 thing I've learned over the years is to keep my mouth shut until I've actually experienced the game. Then, and only then can I have the right to give an opinion that amounts to anything.

I think my fondest memory of a bad game was this title called S.O.S, I think thats what it was titles, it was for SNES.

confimed, gonna take ya to da mooobies

As a child, anything that kept my attention span active was a successful game. However, It's really the first game that I started to play and went, "seriously, what the holy hell is this?" You basically were on a boat/cruise ship/noah's ark, that was sinking. I think you were suppose to save people, or get off the boat. Anywho, long story short, as bad as this title was, I can't tell you how much fun my friends and I had, taking the character we were given, climbing to this tall ladder up the very side of the inside of the vessel, up onto a ledge about 100 stories high it seemed, then leaping to our deaths shouting things like "holy shit this is totally rad" or " bitchin camero!". We must have killed that poor bastard over 800 times.

"you speak the r-truth brotha!"

I believe that was the point in my life, where I realized, you don't have to play a game and follow the rules of it to have fun, you can totally go within your own little world, and have some of the most memorable experiences ever in gaming.

My life completely changed from this moment forth. Every game was now a target. It didn't matter what other people thought about it, because 99% of the comments people made hadn't even played it, and were just voicing opinions that were about as credible as Sasquatch trying to use a debit card. -Authors side note: Sorry, that would just be incredibly rad if I saw Sasquatch trying to buy jeans at the GAP. I asked myself then, as I ask myself now, "what can I do to make this hilarious and memorable?" Being from the south, we had a Nascar game (note: we didnt' install it, it came on the computer) on the PC we owned at the time.

Oops is not what this guy wanted to hear

Green Light went off, my car stood still while the other cars drove around me, then I hit it in reverse, did a 180, and started driving the wrong direction. The poor leader of the pack #24 a fresh new comer at the time, didn't know what hit him at 200 mph as he flipped and knocked out around 15 more drivers. I basically made the game demolition derby before it was even thought about on PS1. Doom deathmatch now became see how long I can follow behind a guy punching him in the head before he starts typing hateful things at me (editors note: There use to not be a thing called a headset that you could shout into, you had to type your anger in CAPS). Now I know, you're gonna say, "Johnny, you're a griefer" and my response, "I'm like David Blaine, make this shit all disappear", only for you to be confused and me to steal your wallet and pour the contents over your head.

I get my powers from double A batteries

But that's not the point. The point is, you can take any game, be it the graphics are bad, the frame rate is bad, the sound is bad, the milks gone bad, the grandma kicked the bucket put her in the freezer bad, or even the mechanics are bad, and you can make it worth your time. After you get your kicks and laughter, then you can tell people, this game was terrible. But make sure you share your funny moments of altering the main goal. I review a lot of titles, but I make a point to have good humor with my thoughts and not try to bury something. As a wise musician who now has really big britches and never calls me anymore once told me about a bus full of groupies, "you can't hate on it, til you hit it". I take this to heart, and I think more people in society should give up on being ignorant and look at the big picture, especially in the gaming industry.

I had to put a family friendly picture here, cause I can't post pictures of girls doing immoral things on a bus

I was playing Gears of War 3 beta last night, when someone started talking trash about Brink. It's not even out yet. But he felt that his ability to see the future better than a Jamaican fortune teller really meant he could persuade people not to play it. So after listening to his rant, I proceeded to follow him, and only him, rev'n up my chainsaw gun. Finally, after 10 minutes of him hearing chainsaw in his ear, he stopped moving, asked me, "what the hell is your problem?!", which I told him, "my problem is that you have been ranting for 10 minutes only for everyone on your team to abandon you and I felt that I should contribute noise in your ear for your rambling" Then he yelled at me, and I blew up frag grenades around him, and told him until he starts having fun he's in time out. He either went to bed cause his mom was mad, or he just realized he was a dipshit, and left the match. Everyone in the session, was so happy that I had gotten rid of this guy (who had been talking trash about the game and other titles not even out yet for the past 8 matches) that the next match we stood around in a circle on Murderball and let the sign fall on us. Cause that's Teamwork, and that's what fun is all about.

To Conclude I'm saying this: You bunch of Hipster Hippie Scenester Jock Wieners; (insert other uncool thing) can sit down and stop acting like elitist Assholes. Just keep your negative nancyness to yourself until you have some credibility or have experienced the title in full. There's already too many opinions out there as is, but all you're doing is making yourself look like a jackass without any credibility, so would you like Paper or Plastic with that?

I give those people:
Rem Lezar singing so society can be a better place.   read

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