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Joe Burling's blog

1:45 PM on 04.05.2008

MUST READ: Destructoid Reaches Out to the Deaf Community

We don't discriminate here at Destructoid... ever. That is why I've decided to reach out to the deaf community with this video.

[embed]79968:10015[/embed]   read

8:20 PM on 04.03.2008

I'm the #3 Rick Roll on the Internets

Ron Workman informed me today that I'm the #3 Rick Roll on the innertrons.

See for yourself

I Rick Rolled Cliffy B with that video.

In case you didn't know, I like to Rick Roll (I'm assuming it's no surprise at this point so I'm putting my penis and testicles on the table)...





I also was the brains behind the Rick Roll in the Dtoid Rap song, but the head community members like Snaileb and Tazar convinced me to "Chocolate Rain" them instead...



2:43 PM on 02.28.2008

Throat Singtoid

When I heard that Charlie Suh was an accomplished throat singer, I became awfully excited because I, too, dabble in some throat singing myself.

Please listen to one of my more recent songs and let me know if I have a future in this or not.

[embed]72775:8569[/embed]   read

9:27 AM on 12.25.2007

Destructoid Exclusive: Phoenix Wright Promotes Sex With Children!

Nintendo DS and Capcom teamed up to promote pedophilia when Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations was released.

This discovery was made by Joe Burling on Christmas morning. While trouncing through the trial of Luke Atmey, a mysterious voice accused the judge of sticking his penis in young child.

Nintendo and Capcom declined to comment on the story. Now, only one question remains...

WHY PENIS WHY?!?!   read

8:34 AM on 12.08.2007



10:10 PM on 12.03.2007

Ron Workman gets 38.7 out of 10?

OK, so I am browsing and I see Ron's Kain and Lynch review as one of the featured vids. Now, we all (most of us) knew that Ron's vid was a featured vid and linked on the front page, but what took me by surprise was that the video is currently rated a 38.7 out of 10.

I'm not the only one who found this strange (or ironic). Just check out the comments on his video.

Is this a clever ploy that Ron thought up and is giggling about at his computer now? Did the terrorists finally break through the firewalls? Did Snaileb divide by zero? Is this the result of NamelessTed's worthlessness? Only Justin Timberlake knows for sure.   read

1:52 AM on 11.22.2007

Temple of the Ocean King sucks balls

I'm really loving Zelda Phantom Hourglass... all except for the Temple of the Ocean King.

OK, first let me rewind a bit. I hate time limits in games. It's not that I suck at games with time limits, I just don't enjoy them. I understand it's another tool developers use to challenge us but I... I guess I compare them to unions. At one time we needed unions. They supported the workers when no one else would and helped America mature. But now we have employment laws and the EEOC and OSHA and all of these other government-run groups protecting workers. We've evolved. At one time we needed time limits as another means of challenging us in games. This was early on when hardware limited us in the ways we could be challenged. Are they really necessary anymore?

It's not just time limits I hate about the Temple of the Ocean King; it's also the fact that you must go through the stupid temple over and over and over again. I hated it enough the first time! Why are you making me go through it again? I hate repetition in games. Yes, I know shooters are repetitious, too, but at least I'm always moving forward instead of backtracking. This pattern of backtracking exists in almost all of Nintendo's games and it has really turned me off to what was once my favorite developer.

Zelda Phantom Hourglass is like a really hot chick who has herpes. Sure, she's gorgeous and sex-with-faceable, but the experience has been flawed. I know some of you won't agree with me, but this is my opinion and I stand by it.   read

2:05 PM on 11.14.2007

Assassin's Creed 360 vs PS3: blogger sets it straight

What is going on with Assassin's Creed? Is it gimped on the PS3 version or the 360 version? Is the game worth caring about anyways?

We've all seen what's been going on with IGN's review of the game. First, they say that the framerate is so bad on the PS3 that it's nearly unplayable at times. Then they change their review and say the framerate issue is noticable, but not the end of the world. GameSpot says the framerate is slightly better on the PS3 version.

So which is it?

While browsing for tips, I ran across this blog from a guy who put Assassin's Creed on the PS3 and 360 side by side and played through both, paying close attention to the differences. The only real issue I see with his review is that he was using standard def TVs instead of HDTVs.

Here is what he had to say about Assassin's Creed:

1. The frame rate
Frame rate was a bit of an issue on the ps3 version. Although in some areas (and this is all from guessing) i would imagine the ps3s frame rate surpassed the 360s, some of the more open areas, or when you were spinning the camera quickly the ps3s frame rate dropped considerably. Not quite jerking terribly but almost. This made the fluidity of the whole game lose its edge as when you were just about to jump for that ledge a drop in frame rate affects all your time resulting in an early death. Although the frame rate was still playable i found it to be really annoying. Compared also to the 360s very consistent, never ever dropping rate of frames. lol

2. Lighting and Shadows
Now, as the Nvidia Radeon battle rages on, it is quite clear when looking at the two versions next to each other that they are both using different cards. Firstly the 360 version. It is very contrasty. all the lighting and shadows are very bi-polar. Now depending on the person you may love or hate this. You will either think it detracts from the detail, which to an extent it does, as everything is almost over and under exposed. This however does give the game more of a cartoony, graphic novel style look, which, depending on whether you want uber realism or additional atmosphere, could detract or enhance your experience. The ps3 version seems to be more realistic. The lighting seems more real, more like a real world. The edges of the shadows are slightly softer. Slightly more guassian blurred sometimes. Nothing is quite so in your face, its all very subtle. Smoke and haze seemed a little different on the ps3 version, slighty more realistic. I imagine the ps3 version would also look better on a HD tv (we had to test on non-hd)

3. Textures
Now i know that some people are saying the 360 version has had its textures dropped although personally i couldnt see this. There did seem to be a difference in the textures, although when we lined them both up it was more due to the lighting making the textures actually look different as oppose to there being a difference. The high contrast makes the 360 textures look sharper, but they lose that 3d, realistic edge.

4. Load times
At the beginning of the game the ps3 does one massive dump onto your hard disk (not literally), saving on load times throughout. The 360 doesnt meaning longer load times in game. Thats it. One catergory the ps3 definately wins in id say

He concluded by saying:

To conclude, the frame rate really bugged me about the ps3 version, clearly, the more complicated console to code for has been neglected. A next gen console should NOT be experiencing frame rate drops that affect your gameplay. Even if very minor. The difference in shadows and lighting is negligable and is simply a personal preference. Add to that the achievements 360 owners get to play with i would definately say the 360 version is the better of the two.

What do you guys and gals think?   read

12:48 PM on 11.13.2007

Bestest Greeting Card(s) Eva! Must See!

Here at Destructoid, we get A LOT of emails. BlindsideDork, GoldenDonut, and the rest of the staff can confirm this speculative statement. The emails consist mostly of tips, but we also get our fair share of spam, naked pics of Cowzilla, and complaints about Snaileb. Not too often do we get thanked for our stories, though. Imagine my joy when I opened an email from BS Angel and found her thanking us for our coverage of the RRoD Condolence Card. BS Angel is the brains and operations behind, quite possibly, the greatest and most appropriate greeting card that ever existed.

BS Angel explained how she is a hardcore gamer and made the card as a joke while waiting for her 360 to be returned to her. (Little did she know her card would turn out to be an internet hit. You can purchase these cards here.) I was quick to respond letting her know how much we appreciated the email and her contribution to 360 owners everywhere. A couple of back-and-forth replies later, she informed me that she was sending me my very own RRoD condolence card along with a "little something special".

Not long after, I found my card (with signature) in my little metal mailbox.

What about my "little something special", you may ask?

Imagine my surprise when I found another greeting card, a custom greeting card, in the package as well. THIS is the greatest greeting card ever made. The quality is unparalleled. The eyes are even made out of the same red sequins that the RRoD is made out of.

BS Angel, I am forever in your debt. The other fangirls can take a hike because they'll never be able to match this. Thank you!


1:40 PM on 11.10.2007

I <3 K-Mart; aka. Mass Effect is MINE!

I signed into Xbox Live this morning to find two of my friends (PonyBones and ETron) playing Mass Effect. Etron, a staff member over at, told me that K-Mart broke street date. PonyBones told me the same. I was out the door on my way to K-Mart faster than Puppet could say "fag".

When I arrived at K-Mart, I couldn't find it at first. I had to look at the stickers to locate it. Sure enough, they it was.

Get over to K-Mart ASAP. There may still be time for you, too. Good luck, my friends!

I <3 K-Mart.

Edit: I slacked this morning and didn't realize Jim Sterling posted about this, so I thought I'd show him love and try to hook him up with some hits.   read

2:57 PM on 11.02.2007

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Muhammad Al-'Arifi, Saudi marriage expert, isn't into video games but he does believe in violence. During a Saudi and Kuwaiti television broadcast in September, he teaches young men how to beat their wives. Some of his suggestions include...

"Admonish them once, twice, three times, four times, ten times," he advised. "If this doesn't help, refuse to share their beds." And if that doesn't work? "Beat them."

"Beating in the face is forbidden, even when it comes to animals," he explained. "Even if you want your camel or donkey to start walking, you are not allowed to beat it in the face. If this is true for animals, it is all the more true when it comes to humans. So beatings should be light and not in the face."

"Woman, it has gone too far. I can't bear it anymore" he tells the men to tell their wives, "If he beats her, the beatings must be light and must not make her face ugly.

"He must beat her where it will not leave marks. He should not beat her on the hand... He should beat her in some places where it will not cause any damage. He should not beat her like he would beat an animal or a child -- slapping them right and left."

"Unfortunately, many husbands beat their wives only when they get mad, and when they start beating, it as if they are punching a wall they beat with their hands, right and left, and sometimes use their feet. Brother, it is a human being you are beating. This is forbidden. He must not do this."

Jack Thompson needs to quit wasting his time with video games and start focusing on some of the real causes of violence in the world.   read

12:25 PM on 10.29.2007

Better sexual performance thanks to the PS3

Destructoid readers may have the biggest cocks on the internet but all of us struggle with the ladies from time to time. For those of you who aren't performing as well as Gameboi or any other top-notch porn star, trying giving this new move a try. It's called the PS3 Push.

The PS3 Push begins by yelling "Talladega Nights". Then if things don't go so well, halfway through the act pull out a vibrator, announce that you've added rumble, and hope for a strong finish.


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