Last night, a bunch of idiot kids decided to keep phoning the office to prank call us, giving us such delightful and well-thought out witticisms as "you're a nigger," "You're all sluts" and "I'm going to stab you." Well, while my colleagues kept having to hang up on them, I can now claim to be so annoying, that prank callers hang up on me.
Taking charge of the conversation, after I noted I was impressed they took the cock out of their mouths long enough to keep calling and applauded their ability to say a word with three syllables in it, I asked what they thought of the American recession and then refused to talk to them about anything other than the Democratic presidential candidates, forcing them to choose between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama. Eventually they chose Hilary and when I asked why they liked her policies all they could struggle to say was "It is nice."
As I continued talking about American politics they eventually lost their temper and started demanding I shut up so they could call me gay, and got so angry they hung up. I am quite proud of myself.
Of course, as luck would have it, they got through to me a second time so I said "I'm afraid you're through to me, the one you had to hang up on. So, let's kick off where we left off -- 70's prog rock, who's your favorite?" I can confirm I have never said "What's your favorite Jethro Tull album?" so many times and in such quick succession to any other stranger on the phone.
On the one hand, you have people bagging on Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts because it's a totally different approach to the formula and completely shakes up the original gameplay.
On the other hand, you have people bagging on Gears of War 2 because it's not taking a totally different approach to the formula and gives us more of the original gameplay.
I have run these findings through my scientific test-o-meter robot (built out of science):
Here are the results, which I think you will agree are dramatic findings indeed:
I hope this has been informative. Thank you very much.
The recording for the Sterling/Thompson debate is done. I decided to let him say a lot of stuff, but although he likes to interrupt, he doesn't like being interrupted. Keeping him on for nearly an hour was very difficult, and eventually he did hang up on us, but I gave him more leeway than I feel I should have.
Still, I think I made some pretty good points and highlighted his rudeness. I dunno. We'll see how it sounds.
I mentioned I may do a second Jimpressions, because let's face it, the biggest release of the year kind of deserves it. I've put a few hours in now, and have felt my way around, plus the initial bitter disappointment I felt has subdued and I am also not pushed for time and writing on a shitty laptop.
SO, Grand Theft Auto IV. I want to mention the good things, because believe it or not, I don't actually enjoy trashing a videogame, especially when I had to spend money on it. Okay, so the good:
First off, Niko is an amazingly likable main character. He has a softness not present in the psychotic Tommy Vercetti, and a depth that CJ lacked. He is very well realized, and his past, however brutal, is sympathetic.
The humor is spot on. A lot has happened since the last console GTA, and they've really nailed some of the trademark satire which happens to be my favorite thing about the franchise. Watching the TV is a lot of fun, especially the Weasel network -- a rather awesome spoof of FOX.
The gunplay is improved. I actually think the cover system isn't too bad. At least when dealing with shotgunners, it's a handy tool. It still feels very clunky and there was one situation where I was being stabbed and it wouldn't draw, but overall, it feels better, and the way the camera spins and blurs when you switch targets is very sleek.
Unfortunately, bad stuff lingers. The hand to hand combat is fucking awful and Niko can't hit for shit. Even on a grounded opponent, with target locking, the man's just punching the pavement next to the opponent. The buttons aren't responsive.
I am slowly getting the hang of whatever they did to the cars. I still don't like it. The older games had imperfect yet enjoyably arcadey handling. Just driving casually around town is fine, but for missions where you have to chase other cars, it's really annoying. I know turning is easier if going slow, but you can't go slow when pursuing. Luckily, Samit wrote me a ridiculously lengthy tutorial on car turning, so hopefully once I've mastered that, it'll be gravy. Ultimately, that is the only thing seriously hampering my enjoyment of the game. The bugs and combat are irritating, but the driving is crucial and right now it doesn't feel as natural as once it did. We shall see, once I've had even more time with it.
I honestly feel reviewers would have done gamers and themselves a greater service by not glossing over the flaws in this series. Things are clunky and loose. It's certainly starting to grow on me, and I think before long I'll feel a lot more comfortable with it, but it is not the gaming perfection that reviews would lead you to believe.
That is pretty much all I can think of to explain how a game with nightmarish combat and some of the worst handling cars in all creation got close to perfect scores. Oh fucking dear. With Saint's Row on the horizon, I really thought Rockstar would tighten stuff up, but it looks looser than ever.
The fighting is shockingly poor. It was better when it was just a standard button mashing affair -- vulgar, but it got the job done. Now it's a button mashing affair pretending not to be, and it's terrible. The targetting is shockingy poor, with Niko hitting thin air, and missing 50% of the time when the opponent is downed. Frankly, I'd have been embarrassed to release a game with a fighting engine that feels ripped out of the PlayStation era.
As for the cars, I don't know what Rockstar did, but they handle like spunk on soapy water. I was trying to do Bleed Out but couldn't catch the car because Roman's car just slides all over the fucking place. When I finally managed to do it without totalling the glorified sled, the awful fighting provided little catharsis when I finally got the kill the worthless cunt.
Maybe I'm doing something wrong, maybe it gets better. Right now though, color me fucking unimpressed. Whatever way you slice it, there are some elements of undeniably bad design in that thing. No wonder that without the open world sandbox, Manhunt was a piece of shit.
Edit: Samit just told me an ELO song is in it. SLIGHT REDEMPTION!
Includes for your pleasure: Emma Watson vadge discussion intermission, and outing my ladytype as a terrorist.
[15:34] jimothy_sterling: I still want a Mac Book when I move
[15:34] jimothy_sterling: I am tempted to see this stable system that "just works", plus I would love one of those super light, thin ones that I can easily carry around
[15:36] bioautographical: I hope you're not talking about an Air, because those things are ridiculously expensive.
[15:36] bioautographical: And if anything ever happens to it, I certainly won't be able to fix it.
[15:36] bioautographical: I know absolutely nothing about Macs.
[15:36] jimothy_sterling: I know those things are expensive, we looked at them. But something else they do. Mac things are all light n' shit
[15:37] jimothy_sterling: .... I would SO love to be able to afford an Air though
[15:37] bioautographical: Meh
[15:37] bioautographical: Macs are stupid
[15:38] jimothy_sterling: *You* gave me the idea in the first place
[15:38] jimothy_sterling: You were all "hay look at dis Air" and I was all o wow and we were like so much money and then I thought I WILL GET A MAC!
[15:38] jimothy_sterling: Topher has one
[15:38] jimothy_sterling: And Topher is cool I want to be exactly like Topher.
[15:39] jimothy_sterling: mrsatsu: I see Emma Watson upped her popularity
me: Who did what with her thing now?
mrsatsu: mag vag flash
me: The fuck is Emma Watson?
mrsatsu: who is it?
it's the chick from harry potter
hermione
hermoine?
something like that
me: Isn't she like, eight years old?
mrsatsu: lol, she just dinged 18 like a week ago or w/e
besides, I thought 8 was legal over there
me: Wow, a week beyond 18 and already the cunt's out. Classy bird.
mrsatsu: lol
I haven't actually seen the pics myself
it popped up on my google reader
didn't feel like clicking a nsfw at work
I guess they're panty-clad at least
just see through or some shit
me: Ludicrous
Harry Potter and the Glimpse of Snatch
[15:39] bioautographical: All I said was, woah, that's pretty thin, but that says nothing of their actual hardware and software and just blugh. Overall, you'll be paying for advertising and zero customization ability. For half what you'd pay for a Mac these days, you could get a pretty damned good PC laptop.
[15:40] jimothy_sterling: It's just I've never had much luck with PCs
[15:40] bioautographical: Yeah, but you've always gotten secondhand ones from people who don't know how to treat them.
[15:40] jimothy_sterling: My Grandad knows how to treat a PC
[15:41] jimothy_sterling: He's a computer consultant
[15:41] bioautographical: I've had the same computer for three years and, saving a hard drive crash, have had hardly any problems.
[15:41] bioautographical: Well, then, you don't. Probably partially because of the porn. That'll ruin anything.
[15:41] jimothy_sterling: Lies
[15:41] jimothy_sterling: Porn actually makes computers run better [15:41] jimothy_sterling: Everyone knows that
[15:41] bioautographical: So do the tears of murdered children. [15:41] jimothy_sterling: I bet Macs can weather porn
[15:42] jimothy_sterling: Dude, imagine me with a Mac, though. How sneering and irritating I would become
[15:42] bioautographical: I don't think anything can weather tons of spyware and crap. I just don't buy this "Macs r easier than Windowz!" crap a single bit.
[15:42] jimothy_sterling: I could become ten times more infuriating
[15:42] bioautographical: Yes, you would.
[15:42] jimothy_sterling: My sense of superiority would skyrocket
[15:42] jimothy_sterling: THAT is what you're paying for.
[15:43] jimothy_sterling: The ability to feel better than everyone else in the whole world without doing anything to justify it.
[15:43] jimothy_sterling: The American Dream
[15:43] jimothy_sterling: The Steve Jobs Experience.
[15:43] bioautographical: Well, I'd rather feel less superior and pocket the extra money for burgers and TVs.
[15:43] jimothy_sterling: Then you are clearly not American
[15:43] jimothy_sterling: So *fuck off* back to Iraq
[15:43] bioautographical: No one can make me feel inferior when I've got a burger.
[15:43] jimothy_sterling: And BRING THE TROOPS HOME!
[15:44] jimothy_sterling: Yeah, a burger made of NOT PORK BECAUSE IRAQ TERRORIST!
That's how you have clever technology discussions.
With Niero announcing that he wants Destructoid community members to design T-shirts, I figured I'd put my legendary artistic skills to use to design a shirt for us that is both edgy, informative and above all, stylish. Be the envy of your friends with this new official Destructoid shirt:
Also Cocks? Now try Also, Great Shirt, I Really Must Buy One!
This is a game you actually play! It is called Spot The Homie and it is a game of dexterity and observation for all the family. In the following pictures, I have cleverly and sneakily hidden a "homie" among the scenery, and it's up to YOU to find them.
Ready? Let's play SPOT THE HOMIE!
Episode One - Where All The Homies At?:
Episode Two - Homie Alone:
Episode Three - Merry Homie To All, And To All A Good Homie:
Episode Four - Homiesexual:
How many homies did YOU spot in these fiendish brain teasers!?
Attached photos:
Who the fuck is Jim Sterling?
It's simple. I'm an angry little man with far too much to say and not enough space to say it in. That's why I make a lot of posts on Destructoid and struggle not to swear a whole bunch. When I post, you should read, because I need someone to help shoulder the burden of all this sh*t that gets on my nerves. I enjoy my job as a Destructoid editor because we don't take ourselves seriously, and not taking things seriously is something I take very seriously indeed.
I'm from England and I have a monocle. A really cheap, crappy one that I bought. You should all buy me a nice antique one. I like Metal Gear Solid, Silent Hill and Dynasty Warriors. I mainly cover gaming politics and the industry's negative press. I despise Jack Thompson, but appreciate him as a journalistic tool to be used just as much as he uses us. I run my own Web site, Morphine Nation, a social commentary and politically incorrect humor site currently being updated and turned into a blog.
Videogames are art because art is subjective and I have decided that videogames are art. This cannot be debated, as one cannot debate the validity of something made valid only by one's individual perception. Videogames are not killers, they do not train, nor do they cause, any form of real world violence. Videogames are a magnificent form of storytelling, just as capable of emotion and depth as any motion picture. Videogames are, in a word, wonderful.
Look, gamertag! Add me and let's play some bloody games, eh wot pip pip:
