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10:51 AM on 12.06.2009  

My review of all the reviews of my review of thing with the thing


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1:28 PM on 09.26.2009  

So guess what was in my closet ...



Seriously.

That was in the closet in our apartment. I've been here almost a year and I did not know there was a Dreamcast just lying around in a closet. This is both amazing and ludicrous. I think it belonged to my stepson, hence why I can see horrible dirty fingerprints on it, but it has been successfully commandeered and shall be lovingly restored. Now I just need to find an AV cable and some good games for it. Capcom vs. SNK was in the machine, but that's about it.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

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4:40 PM on 09.16.2009  

Everything on Wikipedia is literally true

For some reason, I have a Wikipedia page. Despite the fact it has numerous issues and has been vandalized countless times, it's managed to stay up for about a year. I do not know why. Anyway, people who think about me and my life more than even I do tend to go on it regularly and write things. Usually they're very boring, very unimaginative insults, but someone has truly outdone themselves today.

The Dtoid tips line got sent a link to the latest edits, and they are truly brilliant. Since Wikipedia will probably take them down before the day is out, I have decided to post them here for posterity and the hope that you will find these literally true facts as entertaining as I found them. Remember, every single one of these is a real fact!

Racism

It is also well know that he is massive racist lying Nazi and many websites on the internet have proof of this activity. (http://digg.com/gaming_news/Could_Destructoid_s_staff_be_racist)

The proof take many forms here is a short list of just some of the things he has done.

FACT: He has stated "Mexicans always ruin everything"

FACT: None of the relatively low amount of money raised went to Mexican children

FACT: None of the money went to children who wanted to play a PC game of there choice so he is racist to any one who touches a PC.

FACT: Jim sterling could not operate a PC with a mouse to save his life making him extremely jealous of all PC game players and there skills he also cant sing so he hates everybody on American idol or anybody with real talent.

FACT: Jim sterling is not funny so he hates anybody who can accomplish humor.

FACT: Jim sterling is dumb enough to by maps on console ports of PC games for much money when then original PC games give them to users for free with many other features

FACT: Jim sterling does tons of things only a stupid console living boy would do it is a lifetime of this activity that lead him to the life of a Nazi and saying “Nein” to many PC gaming children when asked for his charity.

FACT : Jim sterling will play $60 USA currency for games he can get on PC for $30 to $40 us currency

FACT: Jim sterling has never been with in 99 miles of a real PC capable of playing PC games at decent quality so he would not know how horrible looking and playing the console ports of games he is playing are. This makes any review of them he publishes irrelevant useless.

FACT: Jim sterling is homophobic and loves the video games such as shadow complex that support anti homosexual values.

FACT: He played the horrible PAL versions of video console games most of his life and is unable to tell what games look like running correct on NTSC Televisions.

FACT: at the destructoid trip to Cancun he had sexual relation ships for one night with most of the destructoid staff in a hot tub including Chad Concelmo a known homosexual possibly half Asian male. He was so stoned on drugs and alcoholic beverages and remembers nothing .

FACT like all destruction staff he hates everybody especially there readers.

FACT: Jim sterling Idol is Hitler and in the early 1990’s he played wolfenstein 3d on his PC thinking it was a game where Hitler kills all and rises to power by slaughtering millions with his own hands. How ever he was horrified you kill Hitler and Nazi’s in it thus from that day forward he hates PC’s tat run games and any form of technology…. Also bionic commando.

FACT: Jim sterling is not really married to a woman he is living with his sexual partner Chad Concelmo trying to pass “prop 8” and he still hates homosexuals this creates his inner torment deep in his soul.

FACT: Jim sterling is the most hated destructoid staff member and many people public ridicule him on the website.

FACT: Jim sterling was once replaced for a week by a fat monkey in a banana costume and nobody noticed except Chad Concelmo who wondered where his xbox 360 noob buddy went.

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10:33 PM on 08.24.2009  

Why I Love Destructoid

1: Any other Web site would have fired me by now. Seriously. The amount of times my long-suffering Editor-in-Chief Nick Chester has to talk to me about the latest ruckus I've caused and the latest phone call he's received about something terrible I've done should be enough to make me a liability in anybody's eyes. Fortunately, I have bosses that have always been willing to take a risk and let me do what I need to do in order to bring home the cheese.

2: The community. Sounds cheesy to say, but the community at Dtoid really does make a difference. I've always said that other blogs have readers, but Destructoid has fans. I've never felt that the spirit of the community decreased as the site got bigger. It's always been here, and when you see CBlogs embracing a ridiculous meme like this one or the top ten phenomenon Randombullseye started the other day (yes random, I got the message!), you know that like-minded people have gathered and are always on-hand to help each other drive a joke in the ground. That's just the way things should be.

3: It's not pretentious. There's no "HEY LOOK AT ME I AM IN JAPAN" stuff, no "I MUST BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AT ALL TIMES" bullshit and no "I REALLY WANT TO WRITE ABOUT MOVIES BUT I'LL WRITE ABOUT GAMES AS A STOPGAP AND HOPE FOR AN EXCUSE TO DO *REAL* MEDIA JOURNALISM LATER" fuckcrap. It's people who love games, get excited about games, and don't care if they look like total nerds when they freak out about something.

4: The interesting debates. The Shadow Complex post we had this weekend was amazing fun for me. I am never short of a good debate here, once the trolls have been sidestepped and I get to engage the intelligent people with real things to say. There's always a fascinating conversation to be had, whether it's in a thread, via email, or even with Dtoiders on Twitter. People here want to talk about games, and wider issues involving games. You compare the level of discourse here to something like N4G and NeoGAF and the difference is clear. And yet WE'RE the guys with the immature reputation!?

5: Niero. Truly a fascinating, life-changing man. Trudat. His secret machinations terrify me sometimes, but he's never steered me wrong yet, and his calm, quiet charisma seems to always make one feel at ease. He also knows how to throw a motherfucker of a party.

6: Rutger Hauer loves it.


... Probably.

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7:46 AM on 04.02.2009  

Samit is the movies!

From the people who brought you Samitsu and Samit the Hedgehog, we now have a Hollywood blockbuster to rival the most dark and macabre horrors on Earth. I give you:


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7:11 PM on 02.24.2009  

First Jimpressions: Killzone 2

After much patient waiting, Killzone 2 finally arrived this afternoon and I have been spending the afternoon wallowing in its gray space fascism. We'll be bringing you a review as soon as we're able, but I thought I thought I'd share some initial Jimpressions from the game.

I can only describe it so far as a ten-layered FPS chocolate cake. Not because it's rich and deep, more because it's full of calories, thoroughly indulgent and stuffs you to the gills until you feel slightly queasy. Ultimately, I predict that many of you will start your Killzone 2 experience in FPS gluttony, step away, and feel like vomiting, while also being quite satisfied indeed. It's filling, despite the lack of nutritional value. I have hereby destroyed the metaphor.

Anyway, my initial thoughts are that this game is great, un-pretentious, intense fun. If the game maintains what I've seen in the early goings, we'll be looking at a pretty damn good review score, methinks. There are a few issues, mostly with the controls and the gimmicky Sixaxis crap, but it's more a case of adjustments than insurmountable problems. Also, the production values are, needless to say, fucking epic.

Oh, and the Helghast are hilarious. "I'LL TAKE YOU AS A TROPHY!"

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9:27 AM on 02.01.2009  

10 things you might not know (and don't care to know) about Jim Stoilin'

This seems to be today's CBlog activity, and since I'm as self-interested as the rest of you, I shall join in!

1: I grew up with bikers and a bearded alcoholic called The Preacher

I don't go into a great deal of detail about my childhood, save for the occasional joke on Podcastle, but if I've ever jokingly referenced a childhood surrounded by Hell's Angel Outcasts, I'm actually not joking. A lot of my childhood was spent in transit and among my earliest memories there are recollections of sleeping on people's floors because of homelessness, and people called Plek and Animal and tattooed people pissing in our wardrobe. My stepfather was a psychopath known to his friends and enemies as The Preacher. He had very few teeth.

2: I was an unsuccessful comedian:

Going as far back as secondary school, I wanted to be a comedian. In college I met my best friend and the man I thought I'd have a career with, Leo VK. Together we formed a group with another friend of mine called The New Associates, then The Associates, then The Morphine Associates. Funnily enough we had no actual success to go along with these name changes. We did a few sketch shows in and around London and I think we had a lot of good ideas, but we lacked the zeal to really make a career out of it. Before giving up and deciding I was a writer and not a comic, I tried a tiny handful of stand-up comedy gigs in music venues. I miss the stage terribly, but you have to admit to yourself where your strengths lie and do not lie.

3: Writing a satirical article sometimes terrifies me:

While I think there's a prevailing attitude that I don't give a shit what people think of my work, that's not entirely true. I certainly don't care if you disagree with my opinions or think I'm a shit human being, but if I write a comedic article, I really get worried that it's not funny and people will hate it. It's weird -- I can insult Sony/MS/Nintendo and revel in the backlash from people all day long, but if just one person thinks a humorous article of mine wasn't funny, I get very worked up. I think it ties in with the ex-comedian in me.

Getting a good reaction to a comedy article can only be described as a relief.

4: Withnail & I is a very important film to me:

As if it's a surprise that I love a film about drug-addled, swearing actors, Withnail & I is a very important film. It's the one film I can count on when life is shit to remind me that it could be shitter. Plus, having lived in similar squalor-filled situations, I can sympathize with the movie entirely.

5: I am compulsively honest:

Have you ever seen As Good As It Gets? There's a scene where Jack Nicholson keeps overexplaining everything because he doesn't feel like he's being precise enough. It's something like, "I'd spent all night out in the cold just to see you. Actually that's an overstatement, I'd rather be indoors ..." and he continues like this, exacting his thoughts out so he's not overstating or underexplaining. That's pretty much what I can be like at my worst. Especially with friends and loved ones, I have a problem with anything I perceived as dishonesty. Integrity is important to me and if I feel like I've lied, I will obsess over it for a long time. I can't even claim it's particular noble -- it's more a complex than a sincere form of honesty. It's strange. My wife at least says she knows I'd never be able to cheat on her.

OR COULD I!?

6: The first game I remember buying was Dizzy: Prince of the Yolk Folk

... and by "buying" I mean "having been bought for me." Being a 25-year-old isn't exactly old, yet I still feel pretty fucking old for remembering a time when I could walk into WH Smith and actually buy a videogame on a cassette. They were on the way out then, sure, but they could still be bought brand new while I was a kid. I remember my grandparents getting it for me, or my brother. Either way we played together. He did the controls, I did the hard stuff like working out what the fuck to do.

7: I wish I had some videogame design talent:

Unlike many of my industry peers, I'm not an aspiring game designer and I don't wish to move on from writing to a games industry job as a permanent career move. However, I am not bereft of videogame ideas, and one in particular I'd love to see become a reality. Sadly, I have no talent whatsoever in that department. Maybe one day I'll found my own studio and hire boffins to do the work for me. I have a number of concepts I'd love to have brought to life.

8: I'd like to do videogame voiceovers:

Again with the faded dreams of performance. I want to voice at least one game, and would love to have a secondary career as a vocal talent. I strongly believe that we need more recognizable voice actors in games that are actually known for that and not something else. David Hayter is someone I admire as the first rung on the ladder of videogame voice actors getting respect. Fuck, I'd even voice games for free, I don't need the money. I just want more people with a passion for the craft in the industry.

9: I learned to roller blade by walking up a hill with the blades on:

I consider this a defining moment of my life, where I decided that the best way to do something was to make it as hard as possible for you, then hoping for the best. An extreme crash course, if you will. I was only about fourteen or fifteen and scored a role as Ariel in Return to the Forbidden Planet, that year's school play. It was a singing robot who rollerbladed onstage. So, I learned to do it by walking up and down the hill that separated my house from my grandparents' house. It was fucking difficult, I feel over, and it hurt. But after that, you bet your cunt that rollerblading was easy as shit.

10: My grandparents are the reason I'm here today:

My family is as English as you can get, which means we don't show our emotions and never say "I love you." However, despite the awkwardness of expressing one's feelings, I have never doubted that my grandparents love me. They practically are my parents, and kept me going when I was wasting my life. The reason I'm where I am today -- with a career and a family of my own -- is because they were there when all I had was another overdraft debt on my bank account. Saying goodbye to them was one of the hardest parts of moving to America. They drove me to the hotel the night before my flight, and were the last people I saw. Watching them as they walked to the car still cuts me up.

If I ever win a Pulitzer for writing about Princess Peach and I don't thank my grandparents, you all have full rights to slap me in the fucking face.

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12:44 PM on 01.20.2009  

I don't often post "hot" pictures, but this was too saucy to pass up



Hot diggity dawg!

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2:46 PM on 01.19.2009  

Help me get X-Blades swag for utter bullsh*t



If you have a Twitter account, I hereby request that you help me screw up a voting system just for the simple pleasure of having something utterly terrible win a prize it doesn't deserve. Southpeak is offering X-Blades swag for the lucky pervert who can come up with the best pick-up line for main character Ayumi.

I decided to enter the competition for a laugh, picking the most retarded and awful pick up line in existence: "Have I shown you my X-rated blades?"

At the very least, it's somewhat topical.

Anyway, I am in the running for stuff. I can't even remember what the stuff is, but I want to win because it would validate my existence as a person, plus I get off on the idea of screwing the voting system to get ahead. If you have a Twitter, merely send a Direct Message to Southpeak Games and tell them that Number 19 is the best pick up line and that I am also rather sexy.

If I win, I will share the love by using my well documented digital art skills to draw Ayumi being buggered by the male of your choice! That's an offer you can't refuse!

I might just do that anyway, actually.

The full list of terrible pick up lines are here.

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7:20 AM on 01.12.2009  

Sour Wine

I have concluded that if I take these sour grapes and use those to make the wine that you will ask me if I would like cheese to go with, I can actually make sour wine, the most powerful metaphor for complaints ever concocted.

Or, I could apologize to a number of upset individuals who were offended by the brashness of my comments yesterday. While I stand by my suggestion that some people unhappy with the state of Destructoid need to come back and take part rather than be unhappy on the sidelines, being combative is the last thing that will see that happen.

There are a few untrue things floating around, such as I hate the community or whatever, and I doubt I can convince you otherwise considering it's something a number of you seem to have believed for a long time. All I'll say is that I'm in IRC more and more every day, I came up with the idea of a live podcast which included as many community members as we could cram in, and my Xbox Live games with guys from Dtoid are some of the most fun gaming times I ever have. A huge part of what makes Dtoid what it is, is the community.

The post yesterday is something I should have handled waaaaay better. My intent wasn't to upset anyone, but sometimes I type faster than my brain processes, and saying things like "I won't consider them the community" is not only unwise, but it also tars a lot of people with one brush and makes them feel persecuted.

I was never hired to interact with the Dtoid community, and I do in fact consider my job and the community two separate entities. My job is to help ensure the growth and the personality of Dtoid. My spare time is where I fuck around in IRC and Xbox Live and meet people and all that stuff. I'm not paid to make nice with anybody here, I do it because I have found some amazingly funny people here and because I even consider some of you friends. Some friends were pissed off yesterday, and that's fucking rubbish.

I'm sorry for coming off like a grade-A douche and I hope that the people who took what I said personally can draw a line under this. There were some pretty vicious and nasty things said about me, from my porky fatness to my worth as a Destructoid editor. Personally, I'd like to pretend such things were never said, because just as what I said yesterday was unbecoming of site staff, I think those comments were unbecoming of a Dtoider. On my end of things, I'm just gonna draw a line under the whole thing and move on, if you will permit to do so.

I didn't mean to upset the apple cart and I apologize for doing so. I hope we can all move forward a better community after this.

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12:59 PM on 01.06.2009  

Jesus Christ, it IS Tyra Tuesday!!!



It's Tyra Tuesday everybody! I'm not even sure wtf a Tyra Banks is, but I do know it's TYRA TUESDAY and that means that anybody who doesn't celebrate Tyra Banks gets BANNED! You surely read Kotaku's very informative "how not to get banned you dribbling retards" post today. Well, imagine if that post was actually about Tyra Banks, and you get how IMPORTANT this is!

It's Tyra Tuesday. Here's a video where she talks about pissing.

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10:03 AM on 01.05.2009  

Samit Sarkar does it again!



Hot off the heels of taking Japan by storm with SAMITSU, our lovable Sports Games Editor is at it again with yet another triumph over popular culture.

This man's profile is shooting into the stratosphere. There's not telling how high he will go!

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