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JihadJoe's blog

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JihadJoe avatar 1:35 AM on 06.05.2007  (server time)
Save your penis with the sawstop!

Note: This is direct copy-paste from the writing of my own site. It was fun to write and I hope you enjoy it.

First of all, watch this video of the sawstop!

The video above shows the direct torture of an innocent hotdog. Luckily, the sawstop comes into play, causing the table saw used for the torture to completely self destruct! Thank Jesus!

The whole idea behind this dick saving contraption is pretty damn cool. It works by charging the blade with a lite dosage of electricity. When flesh comes into range with the blade, an electric current is passed between the finger and blade, triggering a bad ass disc brake, which promptly stops the saw in under a millisecond. It's a rudimentary concept, but an ingenious one at that.

So why is the Sawstop not implemented on every saw? Aside for a whopping $100 bucks added to the cost, my guess is simply liability. You see, if a guy legitimately [meaning there was no previous flaw to the saw] cuts his dick off using a regular table saw, he can't sue, because, well it was his own damn stupid ass fault.

Now have a gander at this scenario. Young Cortez and Lupe Diego are playing with their dad's brand new Table saw, which was promptly implemented with safesaw. Lupe-Diego says, "Cortez, let me test this sawstop thingy on you k? It works liek ahunderd percent of the time k?"

After a mild altercation, Cortez agrees with the test. He takes off his shirt and has Lupe-Diego draw a dotted line across his neck. "Don't worry, brother Cortez. This won't hurt a bit!"

Lupe-Diego fires up the table saw, and cautiously drags his brother across the wooden platform towards his impending doom. The electric shock zaps Cortez, triggering the disc brake to fire. The saw immediately stops and the two brothers cheer! "YAAAAAA- FWINK - SNAP!"

The disc brake snaps off, effortlessly ruptured by the insurmountable pressure of the spinning blade. Lupe-Diego's throat is sliced open; his jugular is a shower as the bleak basement walls are painted with the youthful blood of an innocent. The saw then catches on to his spine, which promptly yanks the rest of his body through the spinning blade. He is reduced into a mortified pulp. His brother tries to flee in a hysterical fear, but is quickly obstructed as Cortez's stomach acids spew onto Lupe-Diego's face, completely melting it off. In a blind stupor, a rouge piece of saute'd liver flys into his mouth, instantly choking the youth as he submerges into a red abyss of his brothers blood...

The father of Lupe-Diego and Cortez sues the manufacturer of Sawstop for 7.5 million dollars because the "fail safe" product failed to keep two boys safe. The wife of the creator of sawstop can no longer afford his wife's treatment for leukemia and she dies in two months. Bathed in despair, he consumes copious amounts of alcohol and... yea, you know were this is going.

But really, who needs this damn contraption anyways? I mean, it totally kills the erotic thrill of woodcutting class. Wait, where are you going? Come back!

Engadget keeps it real.

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