I've been gaming for literally longer than I can remember, and in all this time there has not been one game that I can truly say I've mastered. I've gotten decent at a few, sure. I beat all but General RAAM by myself on Hardcore difficulty in Gears of War. I can 95% or more most any Guitar Hero/ Rock Band song you throw at me on Hard. I can beat Super Mario World in less than a half hour. I have most all the pokemans.

So when I say "I suck at video games," I'm not including myself amongst the general population of gamers who don't look to video games for a good old fashioned rape. No, for some depraved, masochistic reason, I count myself amongst the hardcore.


Jesus H Christ [BL] vs. Your paraplegic, amputee grandmother [DA]

Here I'm defining "hardcore" as the type of gamer who seeks out the toughest challenges. Those who attempt perfect runs of Mega Man 9, those who compete in Street Fighter tournaments, those who strive to be at the top of leader boards in Call of Duty, Halo, et al. I am one of these people. Notice the verbs I used two sentences ago. "Attempt" "compete," and "strive to be." Not "complete" perfect runs of Mega Man 9, not "win" Street Fighter tournaments, and not "reside" at the top of leader boards.

Because I suck. Hard. Golf ball through a garden hose kind of hard. Light itself cannot escape my gravitational pull kind of hard.

•My kill-to-death ratio in most shooters usually gravitates to about 0.7. For some it's much lower. The best I ever did was in Call of Duty 4, where it was about a 0.95.

•I always play shooters on the easiest difficulty setting the first time through

•My win ratio in Street Fighter 4 is about 28%. I watch pros play, analyze their styles, and try to take note of the mistakes I make when I play. Yet I will still jump into a standing shoto just waiting to shoryuken me in the balls

•I play Persona 4 on beginner. By the time I had gotten to the second dungeon boss I had already used three of the instant resurrection items

•To this day I have not beat Mega Man 9, even when I buy nine energy tanks and nine lives before I go to Wily's Castle

•I think I am the only person in the world who actually sucks at Tetris



But lest you get the wrong idea from this blog, I am not complaining. I do not lament my poor reflexes and hand-eye coordination. I love playing games, no matter how bad I am at them. Finally getting through a game after what feels like the millionth try is extremely satisfying. And being the eternal optimist, I can always just look at the silver lining and say that because I have to restart so much, I get more time out of my games, and thus more value, right? Right? Guys?