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Jesus H Christ's blog

5:56 PM on 05.03.2010

And now, for no reason, Dinosaurs fan fiction

Warning: If you didn't listen to the last episode of Podtoid, this won't make a bit of sense to you. It may not anyway. Be sure to watch the video I linked below if you haven't seen it already.

[Set several months after Earl Sinclair doomed all dinosaur life to extinction, what follows is the brutal tale of one megalosaurus's struggle after all compasion, love, and hope have gone away, and only the desperate instinct to survive remains.]

He couldn't remember doing it. Perhaps that was a mercy. The last thing he could recall was pushing Robert to the ground after his eldest son grabbed his shoulder in an effort to calm him. That, and the incessant shriek of "Gotta love me! Gotta love me!" in his stunted ears. Consciousness came flooding back to Earl Sinclair in a sudden and painful pulse. He found himself sitting on a fallen, half-rotted tree trunk across from a horrified Robert. A small fire pit lay between them, the embers slowly dying. It was cold out.

Earl's mood wasn't helped by the bitter wind blowing through the ever expanding holes in his tattered red and black flannel shirt, but at least the shrieking was gone. Winds like these cut to the bone. Earl mentally steeled himself against the weather as he took another bite of the raw flank of meat in his bloodied hands. A sickened, weak moan came from across the fire. Their eyes met; Earl's filled with a hard scorn, Robert's wet and full of disbelief. He buried his face in his hands. Robbie doesn't have what it takes, Earl thought. It's been four months since the sun died, and still he weeps. Robert retched, made more painful by his empty stomach.

Earl might have retched too, but not for something as cloyingly emotional as the death of an infant. The meat was sickeningly sweet, like the stench of burning garbage. It filled his nostrils and nearly gagged him, but he knew he had to eat. He had to survive.

"He was your son."

The voice was whisper weak, and utterly devoid of confidence, but the anger was there. That surprised Earl. His son had never spoken to him this way before.

"He would have never made it. I did him a mercy. It's better this way. Eat."

"How can you eat that!? It's barbaric! Your own flesh and b-"

In the span of a heartbeat Robert found himself on the ground, his back against the frosted earth, jaw throbbing. His father stood over him, clenched fist cocked before him. It's ironic, Robert thought. He spent his whole life in the warm-time a fat sloth. The scarcity of food has slimmed his waist and the constant need to be on the move has made him agile and strong. He's in the best shape of his life.

It had suddenly gotten darker. Earl must have accidentally kicked dirt over the fire in his haste to strike his only remaining son. Through the ringing in his ears Robert could hear the sound of wood clattering together, too thin and hollow of a sound to be the firewood. Earl must have knocked over their hunting spears as well.

"Don't presume to speak to me that way." Earl's voice was quiet, but full of a controlled fury. He had the same look in his eyes as when he put an end to Baby's shrieking. Robert lost control of his bladder. "All plant life is gone. Most animal life went with it. The few species still clinging on survive by feeding on each other. Your grandmother killed herself with a bottle of rum and a fistful of pills. Your sister and mother were lost to a roving band of rapist, thieving utahraptors. I do what I need to to survive. The world has gone cold. Adapt, or die like the others. I'll not carry your weight any longer. Stop acting like a fucking herbivore."

At that word, Roberts eyes narrowed. In the warm-time, being called a herbivore was enough to send him over the edge. Ironic then, that in these bleak, fridged end times, it's what finally gave him the courage to stand up to his father.

"The worlds gone cold, father? And you with it."

"Perhaps, but I'm still here, when so many others aren't."

"But at what cost? You've abandoned everything that makes you a dinosaur, and for nothing. Look above you. The sun is returning."

Three days prior Robert had noticed a tiny spec of light in the night sky, where no light had appeared for nearly four months. "The gods have not forsaken us," he had said. "A new sun comes! We're to be given a second chance!"

Earl was not so sure. When he looked up at the flaming orb just over the tree tops, he saw an ill-omen. "It's much bigger than it was just three days ago," he said.

"Our salvation comes swiftly," Robert answered in that happy and confident voice that used to so endear him to Earl, but only served to annoy him now. Or perhaps our doom, Earl thought.

The elder Sinclair stalked off a few paces and grabbed the spears. "Come, we need to hunt," he said as he tossed a spear to Robert, still lying on the ground.

"I don't think I'm fit to move just yet."

"Then stay here and rot. To stagnate means death. I told you I'll carry your weight no longer."

Robert had had it. The man he once knew as his father - the man he once loved - was no longer the shell of the dinosaur that stood before him. He had been replaced with the most cold-hearted, evil dinosaur to ever walk the earth. Muster your courage, Robbie. Do this for Baby.

One moment Earl was walking away from the campsite, spear over his shoulder to go claim the life of the next living thing with flesh on its bones to be used for sustenance. The next, he couldn't breath. A terrible pain radiated from his abdomen. He looked down to see the tip of a hunting spear lodged through his chest. His strained breathing coupled with a gurgling sound told him his lung had been pierced. With every effort he looked back to see Robert staring at him with the same hardened gaze Earl had given him moments ago from across the fire.

Earl collapsed. His breathing slowed and became more strained. The gurgle made Robert wince. Earl turned his glassy eyes from the sky towards Robert and tried one last sentence before the life drained from him.

" ...sun," and he was gone.

Robert stared at his former father's unblinking eyes. "No son." We lived under the same roof for my whole life - 15 years - and in the span of four months everything that I knew turned upside down. I've lost everything that ever meant anything to me. He looked to the sky. But salvation comes.

As two generations of Sinclairs lay with their backs to the dying earth - one living, one perished - Robert looked up at his supposed salvation. The New Sun has gotten bigger even since I've been lying here... Strange. It looks to be a plummeting rock, bathed in flame, rapidly approaching the earth...   read

5:48 PM on 02.24.2010

The top Dtoid SF4 players (360), and some thoughts on the Dtoid SF community

To see the bracket full size, follow this link.

For those of you who don't know, over the last couple of weeks the Street Fighter 4 Dtoid community has been holding a ranbat. Ranbat stands for ranking battle; it's pretty much just a tournament where points are assigned to winners based on placement. These points are then used in subsequent tournaments to determine how best to match opponents up and set the brackets. Plus over multiple tournaments it becomes easy to see who is stepping their game up.

Anyway, here is some detailed information on how the tournament went down, match by match:


Jesus H Christ
KD Alpha
Char Aznable
Buster Slash
mourning orange
crazy beethoven

First Round:

Jesus H Christ (Ryu) vs mourning orange (Ryu)
2 - 0

KD Alpha (Rose) vs ZServ (Balrog)
2 - 0

Senisan (Balrog) vs madfigs (Sakura)
2 - 0

de BLOO (?) vs Buster Slash (?)
2 - 1

Cataract (Honda) vs Danro (Ken)
2 - 0

Solgrim (Honda) vs. Crazy Beethoven (Cammy)
2 - 0

VashTS (Cammy) vs. Char Aznable (Akuma / Fei Long)
2 - 0

Wedge (Dan) vs. ScottyG (Sakura)
2 - 0

Losers Round 2:

Danro (Ken) vs Buster Slash (Abel, Dan) - BusterSlash is eliminated
2 - 0

ZServ (Balrog) vs madfigs (Sakura) - madfigs is eliminated
2 - 0

ScottyG (Sakura) - crazy beethoven (Cammy) - ScottyG is eliminated
0 - 2

Char Aznable (M. Bison) vs mourning orange (Dan, Ryu) - mourning orange is eliminated
2 - 0

Winners Quarter-final:

de BLOO (Ken/Akuma) vs Cataract (Honda)
2 - 1

KD Alpha (Rose) vs Senisan (Balrog)
2 - 1

Jesus H Christ (Ryu) vs VashTS (Sakura)
0 - 2

Solgrim (Honda) vs Wedge (Dan)
2 - 0

Losers Round 3:

Char Aznable vs Senisan - Senisan is eliminated
Senisan forfeits :(

Jesus H Christ (Ryu) vs ZServ (Balrog) - ZServ is eliminated
2 - 0

Cataract (Honda) vs Crazy Beethoven (Cammy) - Crazy Beethoven is eliminated
2 - 0

Danro (Ken) vs Wedge (Dan) - Wedge is eliminated
2 - 0

Winners Semi-final:

Solgrim (Honda) vs VashTS (Sakura)
0 - 2

KD Alpha (M. Bison) vs de BLOO (Akuma)
2 - 1

Losers Round 4:

Cataract (Honda) - Char Aznable (Bison , Zangief) - Char Aznable is eliminated
2 - 1

Jesus H Christ (Ryu) - Danro (Ken) - Jesus H Christ is eliminated
0 - 2

Winners Final:

KD Alpha (Zangief) vs VashTS (Sakura)
2 - 0

Losers Quarter-final:

Cataract (Honda) vs Solgrim (Honda) - Solgrim is eliminated
2 - 0

de BLOO (Akuma) vs Danro (Ken) - de BLOO is eliminated
0 - 2

Losers Semi-final:

Cataract (Honda) vs Danro (Ken) - Danro is eliminated
2 - 1

Losers Final:

Cataract (Honda) vs VashTS (Sakura) - VashTS is eliminated
2 - 1

Grand Finals:

KD Alpha (Dan) vs Cataract (Dan)
2 - 0


13th, earning 4 points in the ranbat: madfigs, BusterSlash, ScottyG, mourning orange

9th, earning 8 points in the ranbat: ZServ, Wedge, crazy beethoven, Senisan82

7th, earning 10 points in the ranbat: Jesus H Christ, Char Aznable

5th, earning 12 points in the ranbat: de BLOO, Solgrim

4th, earning 13 points in the ranbat: Danro

3rd, earning 14 points in the ranbat: VashTS

2nd, earning 15 points in the ranbat: Cataract

Grand Champion, earning 16 points in the ranbat: KD Alpha

A few pretty interesting things happened in this tournament.

Unfortunately, Senisan82 had to forfeit fairly early in the tournament due going on vacation. He and Char are on similar levels of skill, so it would have been interesting to see how things might have gone differently.

As you can see above, the Grand Finals match was a Dan mirror match. Cataract and KD agreed on the forums to test their Dans against each other. As Danro pointed out, Cataract had no idea that KD is a Dan Grandmaster.

VashTS considerably stepped his game up for this tournament. Maining Sakura of all characters, he made it all the way to the Winners Finals. Vash has Sakura's mix up game down to a tee, and took me out of the tournament with a perfect round in our last match.

The Danro vs Cataract match up turned out to be one of the marquee matches. Facing each other in the very first round, they met again in the Losers Semi-finals. Both matches were very close, and we were lucky enough to get the second one on video.


A big thanks to everyone who participated. We'll be doing these regularly once SOUPA DOUPA comes out in two months!

Now I'd like to share some thoughts on the Street Fighter Dtoid community. There are about 10 of us or so who constantly talk about SF in the forums. Go to the games forum and you'll see the proof of how nuts we are about it. As of this writing, the top three most active threads in the games forum are Mass Effect 2 at 742 posts, Demon's Souls at 904 posts, and Super Street Figher 4 at 3,041 posts. Most of those are made by the same ten or so people.

Super is coming out soon, and we want you to join us.

If you're worried about not being good at the game, don't be. WE WILL HELP YOU. You can only get better by playing, and most of us are willing to offer advice as we play. I have been helped in this same way by our top players, and it has stepped my game up considerably. I am a far better player since I started playing regularly with KD Alpha and de BLOO.

Once Super comes out, there will probably be a grace period where we're all fooling with the game and doing the new challenges and learning the new characters, but it won't be very long before we start getting more serious about these ranbats. I personally want it to be a regular thing, and I'm inviting everyone reading this to be a part of them.

So keep your eyes peeled on the forums and c-blogs, and start practicing. Also, feel free to hit me up for some matches in the mean time!   read

5:04 PM on 12.15.2009

Every game I played in 2009 reviewd in haiku form

This went over pretty well last year, so using my patented Three Blogs A Year™ technology, here is the 2009 edition of Every Game I Played This Year Reviewed in Haiku Form. Enjoy!

Borderlands - 8/10
Terrible story
Amazing everything else
No replay value

Street Fighter IV - 10/10
I've no doubts saying
The best fighter ever made
Taiguhw Uppahcawt!

Halo 3: ODST - 7/10
Don't care for multi
Best Halo campaign so far
Bad animation

Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 - 5/10
I thought they told us
They're no longer making shit
Sub-standard brawler

Brütal Legend - 7/10
Shows great potential
Nick Chester sucks at this game
Fuck yeah, Motörhead

Red Faction: Guerrilla - 6/10
Hammer Smash... Building
A very fun mechanic
But not much to do

Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts - 7/10
Smart innovation
Sadly marred by poor controls
Have patience, it's fun

Shadow Complex - 10/10
Perfect except for
Its laughably bad writing
I hate teh gayz now

XMen Origins Wolverine - 8/10
Lunge, combo, repeat
Logan has not a conscience
Good on you, Marvel

Ghostbusters - 8/10
As far as "Gears clones"
I have to rank this the best
Bill fuckin' Murray

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand - 7/10
Why are you laughing?
It was actually fun
Don't judge me, okay

[Prototype] - 7/10
Blatently better
Than its weaker counter part
So suck it, fanboys

Star Ocean: The Last Hope - 7/10
Edge Maverick? Really?
Redeemed by battle system
Stop saying "'kay?" whore

Tomb Raider Underworld - 4/10
Only insane English girls
Buy this kind of crap

Infinite Undiscovery - 1/10
This game makes me think
I was too harsh on Ms. Croft
Worst game ever made

Afro Samurai - 6/10
A standard brawler
Not enough to hold interest
Nice art style though

Pure - 7/10
Fun, brief destraction
I'm not much for racing games
A steal at ten bucks

Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard - 5/10
It was a nice thought
But the execution sucked
It's not Hazard time

Lord of the Rings: Conquest - 6/10
It may not be great
But it's better than you'd think
Needs better check points

Lost Planet - 6/10
Why theres a sequel
Is beyond my reckoning
Hey, you kill bugs good

Prince of Persia - 8/10
Easy and gorgeous
Reminds me of your mother
Worst ending ever

Dead Space - 9/10
One of my favorites
Asimov and Arthur C
Would have been honored

Saint's Row 2 - 8/10
Doesn't get dumber
Also doesn't get more fun
You've been sprayed with shit

Call of Duty: World at War - 6/10
Level design blows
I also hit a few bugs
Go away Treyarch

Dash of Destruction - 3/10
Yes, I am a whore
But for roughly three minutes
It really was fun

Grand Theft Auto: Episodes from Liberty City (TLAD and TBoGT) - 5/10
Start making movies
Stop making video games
Your stories are great

Red Star - 8/10
Very punishing
Great mash of shmup and shooter
Thanks again, Topher

Arkham Asylum - 9/10
One serious flaw
To have been game of the year
Bale should have voiced him

Punch-Out!! - 8/10
I do believe that
African American
has procured my bike

Little King's Story - 8/10
There's city building?
Run around, kill shit, upgrade?

Muramasa: The Demon Blade - 8/10
I sincerely feel
Prettiest game ever made
And it's on the Wii!

Killer 7 - 3/10
As a game, it's shit
Maybe better on YouTube
Nerd rage incoming

Folklore - 5/10
I expected more
What's "bored to tears" in Gaelic?
Less cut scenes, more game

King of Fighters XII - 5/10
I played it pre-patch
It's broken ugly garbage
Street Fighter fanboy

Madworld - 8/10
If it weren't on Wii
No one would give a god damn
Not to say it's bad

Henry Hatsworth & The Puzzling Adventure - 6/10
Funny characters
But sub standard platforming
Layton not amused

Professor Heinz Wolff's Gravity - 6/10
Fun and challenging
But too much like a Flash game
The Wii remote sucks

Retro Game Challenge - 7/10
It's eight games in one
Star Prince is the best

Animal Crossing: City Folk - 2/10
Only pedos play?
That's insulting to pedos
Debt and mortgage sim

Grand Theft Auto: China Town Wars - 4/10
As a left-hander
This game was unplayable
I felt handicapped

Drawn Together - 4/10
Shitty platformer
Useless gimmick on the side
Try harder, 5th Cell

Lock's Quest - 6/10
Like all tower games
It wears out its welcome quick
Keep trying, 5th Cell

Scribblenauts - 7/10
Congrats, you've done it!
You made a game worth playing!
Still room to improve

Far Cry 2 - 7/10
There's a lot to hate
Jamming guns and worthless friends
Fresh and unique, though

Resistance 2 - 5/10
You mean I shoot guns
At enemy aliens!?

Moon - 4/10
All fun to be had
Taken away by one thing
Piss-poor control scheme

Valkyria Chronicles - 9/10
Reason to own PS3
Fairly difficult

Uncharted 2 - 9/10
It should get a 1
For making the mistake of
Not starring Sully

A Boy and His Blob - 8/10
Reminds me of Braid
Not as pretty or clever
Great in its own right

Persona 4 - 9/10
Hour 53
I can't remember my name
Game has absorbed me

Katamari Forever - 7/10
NA NAAAAAAAAA ...yeah, it's good

BlazBlue - 6/10
Perfectly gorgeous
Inpenetrable systems
Hi, Boobie-lady

Fat Princess - 8/10
Chubby-chasing dwarfs
Maim and slaughter each other
Big is beautiful

Flower - 7/10
Zen, and relaxing
It's become Operation?
Way to kill the mood

Noby Noby Boy - 7/10
I just ate my ass
What is this I don't even

Dragon Age: Origins - 10/10
Rich lore and setting
Great writing, naked witch-babes

Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time - 9/10
Clank's levels are great
Improvement upon the last
Qwarks the true hero

Assassin's Creed II - 4.5/10
lol   read

8:51 PM on 07.17.2009

DToid Confessions: I suck at video games

I've been gaming for literally longer than I can remember, and in all this time there has not been one game that I can truly say I've mastered. I've gotten decent at a few, sure. I beat all but General RAAM by myself on Hardcore difficulty in Gears of War. I can 95% or more most any Guitar Hero/ Rock Band song you throw at me on Hard. I can beat Super Mario World in less than a half hour. I have most all the pokemans.

So when I say "I suck at video games," I'm not including myself amongst the general population of gamers who don't look to video games for a good old fashioned rape. No, for some depraved, masochistic reason, I count myself amongst the hardcore.

Jesus H Christ [BL] vs. Your paraplegic, amputee grandmother [DA]

Here I'm defining "hardcore" as the type of gamer who seeks out the toughest challenges. Those who attempt perfect runs of Mega Man 9, those who compete in Street Fighter tournaments, those who strive to be at the top of leader boards in Call of Duty, Halo, et al. I am one of these people. Notice the verbs I used two sentences ago. "Attempt" "compete," and "strive to be." Not "complete" perfect runs of Mega Man 9, not "win" Street Fighter tournaments, and not "reside" at the top of leader boards.

Because I suck. Hard. Golf ball through a garden hose kind of hard. Light itself cannot escape my gravitational pull kind of hard.

•My kill-to-death ratio in most shooters usually gravitates to about 0.7. For some it's much lower. The best I ever did was in Call of Duty 4, where it was about a 0.95.

•I always play shooters on the easiest difficulty setting the first time through

•My win ratio in Street Fighter 4 is about 28%. I watch pros play, analyze their styles, and try to take note of the mistakes I make when I play. Yet I will still jump into a standing shoto just waiting to shoryuken me in the balls

•I play Persona 4 on beginner. By the time I had gotten to the second dungeon boss I had already used three of the instant resurrection items

•To this day I have not beat Mega Man 9, even when I buy nine energy tanks and nine lives before I go to Wily's Castle

•I think I am the only person in the world who actually sucks at Tetris

But lest you get the wrong idea from this blog, I am not complaining. I do not lament my poor reflexes and hand-eye coordination. I love playing games, no matter how bad I am at them. Finally getting through a game after what feels like the millionth try is extremely satisfying. And being the eternal optimist, I can always just look at the silver lining and say that because I have to restart so much, I get more time out of my games, and thus more value, right? Right? Guys?


5:12 PM on 01.30.2009

10 Things You Don't Know About Jesuses

"Jesuses" is indeed the plural of "Jesus." I looked it up.

I've been browsing Destructoid for almost two years now. In that time I feel like I've gotten to know a lot of you on an almost personal level. Not only do I recognize you from your avatars and usernames, but through your comments and blogs I've gotten a feel for your personalities, tastes, interests, and senses of humor. I feel like I know a lot of you. If we were to meet in person, I feel there would practically be no need for an introduction.

However, this account has only been active for about five months. I comment a fair amount, but I rarely blog, and I never go into IRC or the forums. You probably don't know shit about me. So, inspired (read: ripped off from) Silver Draagon's awesome blog from yesterday, here are ten things you may not know about me.

1) I'm grateful for all the drama that went down a few weeks ago. Sorry to bring this up as I'm sure we're all pretty sick of hearing about it and don't particularly care to remember it, but have you noticed anything different about Destructoid since it happened? Nick posting about Nintendo cereal, spontaneous hugging, Tyra Tuesday, BioToid? Destructoid has grown even more personal than it was before, somewhat in thanks to the "growing pain" of the last couple weeks.

2) I've only been a "hardcore" gamer for about two years. I don't mean I switched from nothing but browser-based flash games to the PS3. I've been gaming since I was about three years old, but it's only been in the last two that I've kept up with the industry, gotten into more indie titles, and generally had games be a bigger part of my life. Before I would play your Final Fantasies, Grand Theft Autos, the occasional Tony Hawk game, but now I play any triple A and not so triple A title I can get my hands on.

3) I regret getting rid of my old systems so much! This kind of ties into #2. Whenever a new system would come out I figured the logical thing to do would be to trade up for it, and this was before the days of backwards compatibility of course. I disparately wish I still had my NES, SNES, Genesis, Game Gear, Game Boy, Saturn, and Dreamcast. Alas, I was a tard.

4) As I've gotten older I have a lower tolerance for jRPGs. The games that originally turned gaming into more than just a hobby and into an obsession for me were jRPGs; Final Fantasy 7 and Super Mario RPG. I think the last jRPG I truly enjoyed was Final Fantasy X. I gave Lost Odyssey a fair shot and it just failed to resonate with me. I'm not sure what it is. Is it the grinding, the long cutscenes, the recycled stories, my lack of time now that I have to be an adult? Yes to all four. But with my recent rediscovery of my love of tacticals I'm hopeful that there is a jRPG out there somewhere to wean me back onto them. Thanks to DiscounToid, Persona 3: FES arrived in the mail today. Fingers crossed.

5) World of Warcraft can go fuck the Devil in Hell. I have some weird need to level. Watching my undead priest go from a level one wimp in rags to a level 60 healing machine was a pure joy for me. I played for a little over a year, and quit about two months after the first expansion came out. I had a total playtime between my characters of about two months. I tried playing again about a year ago and it made me sick. Running from enemy to enemy, simply right clicking and waiting for it to die. It was awful. But I love leveling up and the Warcraft universe so much, it makes me mad how little respect for my time that game has. Fuck it.

6) What my username says about me In a word; nothing. I'm not religious or anti-religious. I'm not fond of labels but if I had to choose a religious doctrine I'd call myself an agnostic. It's not that I'm on the fence or that I'm being non-committal. I feel that an absolute belief without proof in the existence of God is just as silly and irrational as an absolute belief with no proof in the absence of a god. Cthulhu fhtagn.

7) I'm learning Japanese. I've been learning for about three weeks now. There's a series of YouTube videos a drunk American English teacher living in Japan makes that I've been watching. I can say "Where is the toilet?" and "That guy is a motherfucker."

8) I've been making music since I was 15. I started learning guitar at 13 and joined a band a few years later. We sucked. Bad. I've mostly played in shitty grind/metal bands because it seems like everyone in South Carolina either wants to play that or Hot Topic music. A few years ago I decided to just start writing music on my own and making MIDI files out of what I wrote. There's a link to the Myspace page of a few of my songs in my side bar if you want to listen.

9) Here are some additional facts about me. I'm 23. I live in Columbia, South Carolina. I went to school for technical drafting (drawing blueprints) but I don't use my degree for my job. I work for a company called CSI that makes construction materials for buildings and bridges. Most drunk bimbos at bars think I do forensics when I tell them where I work. I have a cat named Mellow who recently scratched the paint off my wall in the shape of a cock. I just got done reading Y: The Last man.

10) I'm going to put a baby in each and every one of you.   read

1:14 PM on 12.23.2008

Every game I played in 2008 reviewed in haiku form

Some of these games are way more than a year old, but I just got around to playing them because I signed up for GameFly in March, or they were re-released on XBLA/PSN. Hope you enjoy!

No More Heroes - 7/10
The open world sucked
The dialogue was cheesy
But the game still ruled

The Orange Box - 10/10
Four best games ever
TF2 can fuck off though
Sorry, BlindsideDork

Psychonauts - 10/10
Late to the party
But glad I finally came
Thank you, Tim Schafer

Burnout Paradise - 8/10
This was a surprise
A racing game that was good
No auto-retry!?

Fable - 6/10
I was late once more
But this party kinda sucked
Sequel is good though

Myst DS - 2/10
I can't click on shit
Oh, here's yet another bug
Yawned myself to death

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption - 7/10
Wow, a good Wii game
My arm is getting tired
Eat shit, Wii remote

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates - 3/10
Everytime you're bored
Take a shot of Maker's Mark
Your liver will die

Ace Attorney: Apollo Justice - 6/10
Great presentation
But is it even a game?
I say 'objection'

Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Vegas 2 - 6/10
A test of patience
How many times can you die?
Lots, apparently

Bully: Scholarship Edition - 7/10
Didn't finish it
Rockstar should just make movies
That's what their games are

Frontlines: Fuel of War - 6/10
As far as story
How generic can you get?
Game play was decent

Okami - 8/10
Defines adventure
Under appreciated
Wolf-god wants some love

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem - 6/10
Look who's late again
Horror games are not my thing
Is my TV fucked?

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune - 8/10
Nate is a huge dick
But his game is amazing
Sullys my hero

LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga - 5/10
My first LEGO game
It will also be my last
People play this crap?

Dark Sector - 6/10
It's Gears minus fun
Made me want to watch Krull though
So plus one for that

New Super Mario Bros. - 8/10
It's an old classic
Now with added bonuses
Nothing not to like

Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure - 6/10
Oh boy here we go
I know this game is adored
But I fell asleep

Luigi's Mansion - 7/10
A haunted mansion
That just needs to be vacuumed
It makes perfect sense

The World Ends With You - 9/10
A pleasant surprise
Unique game play and story
More like this please, Square

Beyond Good and Evil - 8/10
You must have patience
Smart and brilliant narrative
Marred by poor controls

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - 6/10
Platforming was meh
Why even have enemies?
The fighting was bad

SoulCalibur IV - 7/10
Slow and cumbersome
Par for the course with 3D
I suck at fighters

Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice - 6/10
Don't have the patience
To sit through this crap again
Tacticals are slow

Boom Blox - 7/10
Podtoid summed it up
It's action Jenga with bombs
Uses Wiimote well

Mario Kart Wii - 8/10
Looks great and plays great
Classic controller is best
But fuck those blue shells!

Trauma Center: Under the Knife 2 - 8/10
Can be frustrating
Intense and satisfying
Controls help immerse

ICO - 10/10
Absolute must play
I payed 25 dollars
For no case or book

Sam & Max: Season 1 - 7/10
I need to realize
Point and click is not for me
Hilarious though

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed - 7/10
A great Star Wars game
By general standards though
Felt like pulling teeth

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood - 5/10
Overrated dev
Takes overrated franchise
Results not shocking

Chrono Trigger DS - 9/10
A timeless classic
Do you see what I did there?
God damn I'm funny

Super Mario Sunshine - _/10
Not rated because
The formula fits just fine
I'm just bored with it

Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction - 8/10
It's great mindless fun
Difficulty curve is shit
Games cute and funny

Mirror's Edge - 7/10
Sad when a good thought
Is poorly executed
Missed another jump

Left 4 Dead - 9/10
Best co-op ever
In memory: JohnTheCrow
God dammit, Francis

Gears of War 2 - 8/10
Bro, it's the sequel
Bigger, better, more bad ass
That's about it, bro

Fable 2 - 9/10
A perfect mixture
Humor and seriousness
Hammers got man-legs

Grand Theft Auto 4 - 8/10
No doubt that it's good
Game of the year it is not
REAL cars drive better

Fallout 3 - 10/10
Oblivion. Guns.
Great tastes together at last
It's not a bad thing

Lost Odyssey - 7/10
Emotional plot
Trapped in JRPG frame
Too hard in places

Civilization Revolution - 7/10
Great execution
I wish I played this game more
Up for a match, guys?

Metal Gear Solid 2 - 9/10
People hate Raiden
I really don't understand
Uh, the plot I mean

Metal Gear Solid 3 - 9/10
Ruined my vision
Big Boss is tougher than that
The End is the best

Metal Gear Solid 4 - 8/10
Combat was the best
Is this scene still not over?
More movie than game

Little Big Planet - 8/10
Muslims should be mad
Not at music, but controls
Check out "What goes up..."

Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift - 8/10
A good tactical
Ranks with Big Foot for rareness
Hear that Disgaea?!

Super Smash Bros. Brawl - 8/10
Mario hits Peach
We've all dreamed about that, right?
Maybe I'm just weird.

A Kingdom for Keflings - 7/10
Not much to do here
Run around, place blocks, build stuff
Why is it so fun?

Castle Crashers - 9/10
Co-op worked for me
Forever replayable
Best ending ever

Ikaruga - 10/10
I can't beat stage 4
I owe RetroForce a debt
Thanks Topher Cantler

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2 - 8/10
It's the first, times six
I am no good at this game
Graphics hurt my eyes

Penny Arcade Adventures: OTRSPOD: Episode 1 & 2 - 9/10
Point and click made fun
Mike and Jerry are like Gods
Lovecraft would be proud

Braid - 10/10
Pretentious art crap
Sounds like something I would like
Rewind is so fun

Metal Slug 3 - 8/10
You are a zombie
You can barf to clear a screen
Enough said I think

Undertow - 3/10
Free for a reason
An apology worth shit
MS still owes us   read

8:15 PM on 10.18.2008

Early 90s comic ads (pics within, VGR)

I grew tired of comics around '96, age 11 or so. But before that I was the most rabid collector of anyone I knew. I took it to the extreme. I'm sorry, make that X-tremeee.

Not too long ago, inspired by an epic flame war in the comments of a HAWP episode, I was inspired to pick up Watchmen. I absolutely loved it, so just this morning I decided to dig out my old comics.

To be frank, none of them looked particularly appealing to me. There were a few covers with some amazing art on them, but the archetypal super-hero versus super-villain model just doesn't register with me.

What really hit the nostalgia bulls eye for me were the adds for Super Nintendo games.

Who could forget this classic? Me, for one.

Eight fighters, mother fucker. That's one more than seven.

I thought the general consensus was that we didn't like earmarks.

And my absolute favorite...

I always played as the green alien. Boomshakalaka!

Bonus "you'll-never-be-this-cool" X-Men ad:

5:05 PM on 09.23.2008

"We recommend the new Barbie game." Thanks, Amazon!

The first thing I do when I get home from work every day is check my e-mail. Amongst the usual offers to enlarge my penis, pleadings from the disposed Nigerian monarchy, and the infinitely worse GameFly newsletter, today I see this brilliant subject line:

Order now: "Barbie Horse AdventuresTM: Riding Camp" on PlayStation2 at

Thanks, Amazon! I'll take eight!

The text within:

First of all, how many people are buying the original Kingdom Hearts, which came out over six years ago, and following that up with pre-ordering Barbie Horse Adventures: Riding Camp, a game which hasn't come out yet?

Second, I've never purchased or rated Kingdom Hearts!

Despite Amazon's retardation I do have to admit that playing as Barbie as I train, ride, and jump while participating in challenges that will help me perfect the skills of owning and caring for my horse does sound pretty god damn magical.


8:03 AM on 09.18.2008

Hello, Destructoid!

I'm on the left :)

I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning.

My parents tell me they bought me an Atari when I was three (thanks for being badass parents, guys!) and an NES not long after. I have no memories that go back that far, so I've been gaming for literally as long as I can remember. My first recollection of playing a video game is from around '88 or '89 I believe; I would sit in front of the TV and play Super Mario/ Duck Hunt all day long. The games have changed but the habits remain the same!

From those beginnings I grew as the technology did. Next came the SNES and a Sega. I don't think I even knew what a "console war" was back then. I just loved playing games. Again, not much has changed. Back then I wasn't what you would call a "hardcore gamer" (in the parlance of our times). Dad and I would take turns playing Sonic The Hedgehog stages or playing a few rounds of Mortal Kombat. I'd play maybe an hour or two at a time, tops. Then the game I consider to be the catalyst that changed video games from a simple pastime to a full-blown obsession for me came along.

Super Mario RPG! This was the first game I sat and played for six hours straight. I turned down offers from friends to hang out outside so I could play this game. Thankfully, those habbits have changed. Looking back, I have to admit I was pretty much a nerd from birth, but Super Mario RPG sealed the deal. When this game came out I didn't even know what an RPG was. I think the only reasons I wanted to play it were: one, because it was Mario; and two, because I undoubtedly bought into the hype-machine that was Nintendo Power.

In 1996 when the N64 was released my mom got up extra early with me so we could be first in line to buy one (once again, thanks mom!). My next big milestone in gaming would come not much later when a certain well known RPG was released.

Yes, that one. It was the first game that made me buy a system just for it. My friends Adam, Bryan, and I would stay up until four in the morning playing this game. Final Fantasy 7 was the first game that made me care about its characters. No, I didn't cry when Aeris died (spoiler warning by the way), but it did make me very sad. I had never thought about things like character death or the emotions characters themselves were going through before. I know for a 23 year old gamer nerd, loving Final Fantasy 7 to death is completely cliché, but I ask for no acceptance and I offer no excuses.

From there my story is most likely similar to yours. Playstation to Dreamcast to Playstation 2 to Xbox 360, Wii, and PS3. Over the years I've also owned a Gameboy (original giant brick, pocket, and color versions), Gamegear, Saturn, Virtual Boy, and DS. Sadly all the amazing games and systems I've collected over the years were gradually traded in for newer and not necessarily better stuff. I distinctly remember trading in my Dreamcast, two controllers, two memory cards, and about six games for 30 bucks. I could kick myself.

Someone write some God of War meets Shaun of the Dead fanfic STAT.

I'd also like to add that I've been lurking DToid for a little over a year now, I listen to Podtoid, and absolutely love RFGO! Some hobbies/ interests outside of video games include tattoos (I have seven), music (check out some MIDI stuff I do here), and books (just finished Atlas Shrugged and 100 Years of Solitude, currently reading Invisible Cities).

Finally, I won't suck, and I love you. :)   read

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