I've been gaming for literally longer than I can remember, and in all this time there has not been one game that I can truly say I've mastered. I've gotten decent at a few, sure. I beat all but General RAAM by myself on Hardcore difficulty in Gears of War. I can 95% or more most any Guitar Hero/ Rock Band song you throw at me on Hard. I can beat Super Mario World in less than a half hour. I have most all the pokemans.

So when I say "I suck at video games," I'm not including myself amongst the general population of gamers who don't look to video games for a good old fashioned rape. No, for some depraved, masochistic reason, I count myself amongst the hardcore.


Jesus H Christ [BL] vs. Your paraplegic, amputee grandmother [DA]

Here I'm defining "hardcore" as the type of gamer who seeks out the toughest challenges. Those who attempt perfect runs of Mega Man 9, those who compete in Street Fighter tournaments, those who strive to be at the top of leader boards in Call of Duty, Halo, et al. I am one of these people. Notice the verbs I used two sentences ago. "Attempt" "compete," and "strive to be." Not "complete" perfect runs of Mega Man 9, not "win" Street Fighter tournaments, and not "reside" at the top of leader boards.

Because I suck. Hard. Golf ball through a garden hose kind of hard. Light itself cannot escape my gravitational pull kind of hard.

•My kill-to-death ratio in most shooters usually gravitates to about 0.7. For some it's much lower. The best I ever did was in Call of Duty 4, where it was about a 0.95.

•I always play shooters on the easiest difficulty setting the first time through

•My win ratio in Street Fighter 4 is about 28%. I watch pros play, analyze their styles, and try to take note of the mistakes I make when I play. Yet I will still jump into a standing shoto just waiting to shoryuken me in the balls

•I play Persona 4 on beginner. By the time I had gotten to the second dungeon boss I had already used three of the instant resurrection items

•To this day I have not beat Mega Man 9, even when I buy nine energy tanks and nine lives before I go to Wily's Castle

•I think I am the only person in the world who actually sucks at Tetris



But lest you get the wrong idea from this blog, I am not complaining. I do not lament my poor reflexes and hand-eye coordination. I love playing games, no matter how bad I am at them. Finally getting through a game after what feels like the millionth try is extremely satisfying. And being the eternal optimist, I can always just look at the silver lining and say that because I have to restart so much, I get more time out of my games, and thus more value, right? Right? Guys?

"Jesuses" is indeed the plural of "Jesus." I looked it up.

I've been browsing Destructoid for almost two years now. In that time I feel like I've gotten to know a lot of you on an almost personal level. Not only do I recognize you from your avatars and usernames, but through your comments and blogs I've gotten a feel for your personalities, tastes, interests, and senses of humor. I feel like I know a lot of you. If we were to meet in person, I feel there would practically be no need for an introduction.

However, this account has only been active for about five months. I comment a fair amount, but I rarely blog, and I never go into IRC or the forums. You probably don't know shit about me. So, inspired (read: ripped off from) Silver Draagon's awesome blog from yesterday, here are ten things you may not know about me.

1) I'm grateful for all the drama that went down a few weeks ago. Sorry to bring this up as I'm sure we're all pretty sick of hearing about it and don't particularly care to remember it, but have you noticed anything different about Destructoid since it happened? Nick posting about Nintendo cereal, spontaneous hugging, Tyra Tuesday, BioToid? Destructoid has grown even more personal than it was before, somewhat in thanks to the "growing pain" of the last couple weeks.

2) I've only been a "hardcore" gamer for about two years. I don't mean I switched from nothing but browser-based flash games to the PS3. I've been gaming since I was about three years old, but it's only been in the last two that I've kept up with the industry, gotten into more indie titles, and generally had games be a bigger part of my life. Before I would play your Final Fantasies, Grand Theft Autos, the occasional Tony Hawk game, but now I play any triple A and not so triple A title I can get my hands on.

3) I regret getting rid of my old systems so much! This kind of ties into #2. Whenever a new system would come out I figured the logical thing to do would be to trade up for it, and this was before the days of backwards compatibility of course. I disparately wish I still had my NES, SNES, Genesis, Game Gear, Game Boy, Saturn, and Dreamcast. Alas, I was a tard.



4) As I've gotten older I have a lower tolerance for jRPGs. The games that originally turned gaming into more than just a hobby and into an obsession for me were jRPGs; Final Fantasy 7 and Super Mario RPG. I think the last jRPG I truly enjoyed was Final Fantasy X. I gave Lost Odyssey a fair shot and it just failed to resonate with me. I'm not sure what it is. Is it the grinding, the long cutscenes, the recycled stories, my lack of time now that I have to be an adult? Yes to all four. But with my recent rediscovery of my love of tacticals I'm hopeful that there is a jRPG out there somewhere to wean me back onto them. Thanks to DiscounToid, Persona 3: FES arrived in the mail today. Fingers crossed.

5) World of Warcraft can go fuck the Devil in Hell. I have some weird need to level. Watching my undead priest go from a level one wimp in rags to a level 60 healing machine was a pure joy for me. I played for a little over a year, and quit about two months after the first expansion came out. I had a total playtime between my characters of about two months. I tried playing again about a year ago and it made me sick. Running from enemy to enemy, simply right clicking and waiting for it to die. It was awful. But I love leveling up and the Warcraft universe so much, it makes me mad how little respect for my time that game has. Fuck it.



6) What my username says about me In a word; nothing. I'm not religious or anti-religious. I'm not fond of labels but if I had to choose a religious doctrine I'd call myself an agnostic. It's not that I'm on the fence or that I'm being non-committal. I feel that an absolute belief without proof in the existence of God is just as silly and irrational as an absolute belief with no proof in the absence of a god. Cthulhu fhtagn.

7) I'm learning Japanese. I've been learning for about three weeks now. There's a series of YouTube videos a drunk American English teacher living in Japan makes that I've been watching. I can say "Where is the toilet?" and "That guy is a motherfucker."



8) I've been making music since I was 15. I started learning guitar at 13 and joined a band a few years later. We sucked. Bad. I've mostly played in shitty grind/metal bands because it seems like everyone in South Carolina either wants to play that or Hot Topic music. A few years ago I decided to just start writing music on my own and making MIDI files out of what I wrote. There's a link to the Myspace page of a few of my songs in my side bar if you want to listen.

9) Here are some additional facts about me. I'm 23. I live in Columbia, South Carolina. I went to school for technical drafting (drawing blueprints) but I don't use my degree for my job. I work for a company called CSI that makes construction materials for buildings and bridges. Most drunk bimbos at bars think I do forensics when I tell them where I work. I have a cat named Mellow who recently scratched the paint off my wall in the shape of a cock. I just got done reading Y: The Last man.



10) I'm going to put a baby in each and every one of you.

Some of these games are way more than a year old, but I just got around to playing them because I signed up for GameFly in March, or they were re-released on XBLA/PSN. Hope you enjoy!

No More Heroes - 7/10
The open world sucked
The dialogue was cheesy
But the game still ruled

The Orange Box - 10/10
Four best games ever
TF2 can fuck off though
Sorry, BlindsideDork

Psychonauts - 10/10
Late to the party
But glad I finally came
Thank you, Tim Schafer

Burnout Paradise - 8/10
This was a surprise
A racing game that was good
No auto-retry!?

Fable - 6/10
I was late once more
But this party kinda sucked
Sequel is good though

Myst DS - 2/10
I can't click on shit
Oh, here's yet another bug
Yawned myself to death

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption - 7/10
Wow, a good Wii game
My arm is getting tired
Eat shit, Wii remote

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates - 3/10
Everytime you're bored
Take a shot of Maker's Mark
Your liver will die

Ace Attorney: Apollo Justice - 6/10
Great presentation
But is it even a game?
I say 'objection'

Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Vegas 2 - 6/10
A test of patience
How many times can you die?
Lots, apparently

Bully: Scholarship Edition - 7/10
Didn't finish it
Rockstar should just make movies
That's what their games are

Frontlines: Fuel of War - 6/10
As far as story
How generic can you get?
Game play was decent

Okami - 8/10
Defines adventure
Under appreciated
Wolf-god wants some love

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem - 6/10
Look who's late again
Horror games are not my thing
Is my TV fucked?

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune - 8/10
Nate is a huge dick
But his game is amazing
Sullys my hero

LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Saga - 5/10
My first LEGO game
It will also be my last
People play this crap?

Dark Sector - 6/10
It's Gears minus fun
Made me want to watch Krull though
So plus one for that

New Super Mario Bros. - 8/10
It's an old classic
Now with added bonuses
Nothing not to like

Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure - 6/10
Oh boy here we go
I know this game is adored
But I fell asleep

Luigi's Mansion - 7/10
A haunted mansion
That just needs to be vacuumed
It makes perfect sense

The World Ends With You - 9/10
A pleasant surprise
Unique game play and story
More like this please, Square

Beyond Good and Evil - 8/10
You must have patience
Smart and brilliant narrative
Marred by poor controls

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - 6/10
Platforming was meh
Why even have enemies?
The fighting was bad

SoulCalibur IV - 7/10
Slow and cumbersome
Par for the course with 3D
I suck at fighters

Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice - 6/10
Don't have the patience
To sit through this crap again
Tacticals are slow

Boom Blox - 7/10
Podtoid summed it up
It's action Jenga with bombs
Uses Wiimote well

Mario Kart Wii - 8/10
Looks great and plays great
Classic controller is best
But fuck those blue shells!

Trauma Center: Under the Knife 2 - 8/10
Can be frustrating
Intense and satisfying
Controls help immerse

ICO - 10/10
Absolute must play
I payed 25 dollars
For no case or book

Sam & Max: Season 1 - 7/10
I need to realize
Point and click is not for me
Hilarious though

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed - 7/10
A great Star Wars game
By general standards though
Felt like pulling teeth

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood - 5/10
Overrated dev
Takes overrated franchise
Results not shocking

Chrono Trigger DS - 9/10
A timeless classic
Do you see what I did there?
God damn I'm funny

Super Mario Sunshine - _/10
Not rated because
The formula fits just fine
I'm just bored with it

Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction - 8/10
It's great mindless fun
Difficulty curve is shit
Games cute and funny

Mirror's Edge - 7/10
Sad when a good thought
Is poorly executed
Missed another jump

Left 4 Dead - 9/10
Best co-op ever
In memory: JohnTheCrow
God dammit, Francis

Gears of War 2 - 8/10
Bro, it's the sequel
Bigger, better, more bad ass
That's about it, bro

Fable 2 - 9/10
A perfect mixture
Humor and seriousness
Hammers got man-legs

Grand Theft Auto 4 - 8/10
No doubt that it's good
Game of the year it is not
REAL cars drive better

Fallout 3 - 10/10
Oblivion. Guns.
Great tastes together at last
It's not a bad thing

Lost Odyssey - 7/10
Emotional plot
Trapped in JRPG frame
Too hard in places

Civilization Revolution - 7/10
Great execution
I wish I played this game more
Up for a match, guys?

Metal Gear Solid 2 - 9/10
People hate Raiden
I really don't understand
Uh, the plot I mean

Metal Gear Solid 3 - 9/10
Ruined my vision
Big Boss is tougher than that
The End is the best

Metal Gear Solid 4 - 8/10
Combat was the best
Is this scene still not over?
More movie than game

Little Big Planet - 8/10
Muslims should be mad
Not at music, but controls
Check out "What goes up..."

Final Fantasy Tactics A2: Grimoire of the Rift - 8/10
A good tactical
Ranks with Big Foot for rareness
Hear that Disgaea?!

Super Smash Bros. Brawl - 8/10
Mario hits Peach
We've all dreamed about that, right?
Maybe I'm just weird.

A Kingdom for Keflings - 7/10
Not much to do here
Run around, place blocks, build stuff
Why is it so fun?

Castle Crashers - 9/10
Co-op worked for me
Forever replayable
Best ending ever

Ikaruga - 10/10
I can't beat stage 4
I owe RetroForce a debt
Thanks Topher Cantler

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2 - 8/10
It's the first, times six
I am no good at this game
Graphics hurt my eyes

Penny Arcade Adventures: OTRSPOD: Episode 1 & 2 - 9/10
Point and click made fun
Mike and Jerry are like Gods
Lovecraft would be proud

Braid - 10/10
Pretentious art crap
Sounds like something I would like
Rewind is so fun

Metal Slug 3 - 8/10
You are a zombie
You can barf to clear a screen
Enough said I think

Undertow - 3/10
Free for a reason
An apology worth shit
MS still owes us

I grew tired of comics around '96, age 11 or so. But before that I was the most rabid collector of anyone I knew. I took it to the extreme. I'm sorry, make that X-tremeee.

Not too long ago, inspired by an epic flame war in the comments of a HAWP episode, I was inspired to pick up Watchmen. I absolutely loved it, so just this morning I decided to dig out my old comics.

To be frank, none of them looked particularly appealing to me. There were a few covers with some amazing art on them, but the archetypal super-hero versus super-villain model just doesn't register with me.

What really hit the nostalgia bulls eye for me were the adds for Super Nintendo games.


Who could forget this classic? Me, for one.


Eight fighters, mother fucker. That's one more than seven.


I thought the general consensus was that we didn't like earmarks.

And my absolute favorite...


I always played as the green alien. Boomshakalaka!

Bonus "you'll-never-be-this-cool" X-Men ad:

The first thing I do when I get home from work every day is check my e-mail. Amongst the usual offers to enlarge my penis, pleadings from the disposed Nigerian monarchy, and the infinitely worse GameFly newsletter, today I see this brilliant subject line:

Order now: "Barbie Horse AdventuresTM: Riding Camp" on PlayStation2 at Amazon.com

Thanks, Amazon! I'll take eight!

The text within:



First of all, how many people are buying the original Kingdom Hearts, which came out over six years ago, and following that up with pre-ordering Barbie Horse Adventures: Riding Camp, a game which hasn't come out yet?

Second, I've never purchased or rated Kingdom Hearts!

Despite Amazon's retardation I do have to admit that playing as Barbie as I train, ride, and jump while participating in challenges that will help me perfect the skills of owning and caring for my horse does sound pretty god damn magical.

I'm on the left :)

I suppose the best place to start is at the beginning.

My parents tell me they bought me an Atari when I was three (thanks for being badass parents, guys!) and an NES not long after. I have no memories that go back that far, so I've been gaming for literally as long as I can remember. My first recollection of playing a video game is from around '88 or '89 I believe; I would sit in front of the TV and play Super Mario/ Duck Hunt all day long. The games have changed but the habits remain the same!

From those beginnings I grew as the technology did. Next came the SNES and a Sega. I don't think I even knew what a "console war" was back then. I just loved playing games. Again, not much has changed. Back then I wasn't what you would call a "hardcore gamer" (in the parlance of our times). Dad and I would take turns playing Sonic The Hedgehog stages or playing a few rounds of Mortal Kombat. I'd play maybe an hour or two at a time, tops. Then the game I consider to be the catalyst that changed video games from a simple pastime to a full-blown obsession for me came along.



Super Mario RPG! This was the first game I sat and played for six hours straight. I turned down offers from friends to hang out outside so I could play this game. Thankfully, those habbits have changed. Looking back, I have to admit I was pretty much a nerd from birth, but Super Mario RPG sealed the deal. When this game came out I didn't even know what an RPG was. I think the only reasons I wanted to play it were: one, because it was Mario; and two, because I undoubtedly bought into the hype-machine that was Nintendo Power.

In 1996 when the N64 was released my mom got up extra early with me so we could be first in line to buy one (once again, thanks mom!). My next big milestone in gaming would come not much later when a certain well known RPG was released.



Yes, that one. It was the first game that made me buy a system just for it. My friends Adam, Bryan, and I would stay up until four in the morning playing this game. Final Fantasy 7 was the first game that made me care about its characters. No, I didn't cry when Aeris died (spoiler warning by the way), but it did make me very sad. I had never thought about things like character death or the emotions characters themselves were going through before. I know for a 23 year old gamer nerd, loving Final Fantasy 7 to death is completely cliché, but I ask for no acceptance and I offer no excuses.

From there my story is most likely similar to yours. Playstation to Dreamcast to Playstation 2 to Xbox 360, Wii, and PS3. Over the years I've also owned a Gameboy (original giant brick, pocket, and color versions), Gamegear, Saturn, Virtual Boy, and DS. Sadly all the amazing games and systems I've collected over the years were gradually traded in for newer and not necessarily better stuff. I distinctly remember trading in my Dreamcast, two controllers, two memory cards, and about six games for 30 bucks. I could kick myself.


Someone write some God of War meets Shaun of the Dead fanfic STAT.

I'd also like to add that I've been lurking DToid for a little over a year now, I listen to Podtoid, and absolutely love RFGO! Some hobbies/ interests outside of video games include tattoos (I have seven), music (check out some MIDI stuff I do here), and books (just finished Atlas Shrugged and 100 Years of Solitude, currently reading Invisible Cities).

Finally, I won't suck, and I love you. :)