Jesus "H" Christ (May 13, 1922 – April 25, 2009) was an American actress, comedian and singer whose career spanned seven decades. Christ achieved fame as the character Maude Findlay on the 1970s sitcoms All in the Family and Maude, and as Dorothy Zbornak on the 1980s sitcom The Golden Girls, winning Emmy Awards for both roles. A stage actress both before and after her television success, she won the Tony Award for Best Featured Actress in a Musical for her performance as Vera Charles in the original cast of Mame (1966).
Warning: If you didn't listen to the last episode of Podtoid, this won't make a bit of sense to you. It may not anyway. Be sure to watch the video I linked below if you haven't seen it already.
[Set several months after Earl Sinclair doomed all dinosaur life to extinction, what follows is the brutal tale of one megalosaurus's struggle after all compasion, love, and hope have gone away, and only the desperate instinct to survive remains.]
He couldn't remember doing it. Perhaps that was a mercy. The last thing he could recall was pushing Robert to the ground after his eldest son grabbed his shoulder in an effort to calm him. That, and the incessant shriek of "Gotta love me! Gotta love me!" in his stunted ears. Consciousness came flooding back to Earl Sinclair in a sudden and painful pulse. He found himself sitting on a fallen, half-rotted tree trunk across from a horrified Robert. A small fire pit lay between them, the embers slowly dying. It was cold out.
Earl's mood wasn't helped by the bitter wind blowing through the ever expanding holes in his tattered red and black flannel shirt, but at least the shrieking was gone. Winds like these cut to the bone. Earl mentally steeled himself against the weather as he took another bite of the raw flank of meat in his bloodied hands. A sickened, weak moan came from across the fire. Their eyes met; Earl's filled with a hard scorn, Robert's wet and full of disbelief. He buried his face in his hands. Robbie doesn't have what it takes, Earl thought. It's been four months since the sun died, and still he weeps. Robert retched, made more painful by his empty stomach.
Earl might have retched too, but not for something as cloyingly emotional as the death of an infant. The meat was sickeningly sweet, like the stench of burning garbage. It filled his nostrils and nearly gagged him, but he knew he had to eat. He had to survive.
"He was your son."
The voice was whisper weak, and utterly devoid of confidence, but the anger was there. That surprised Earl. His son had never spoken to him this way before.
"He would have never made it. I did him a mercy. It's better this way. Eat."
"How can you eat that!? It's barbaric! Your own flesh and b-"
In the span of a heartbeat Robert found himself on the ground, his back against the frosted earth, jaw throbbing. His father stood over him, clenched fist cocked before him. It's ironic, Robert thought. He spent his whole life in the warm-time a fat sloth. The scarcity of food has slimmed his waist and the constant need to be on the move has made him agile and strong. He's in the best shape of his life.
It had suddenly gotten darker. Earl must have accidentally kicked dirt over the fire in his haste to strike his only remaining son. Through the ringing in his ears Robert could hear the sound of wood clattering together, too thin and hollow of a sound to be the firewood. Earl must have knocked over their hunting spears as well.
"Don't presume to speak to me that way." Earl's voice was quiet, but full of a controlled fury. He had the same look in his eyes as when he put an end to Baby's shrieking. Robert lost control of his bladder. "All plant life is gone. Most animal life went with it. The few species still clinging on survive by feeding on each other. Your grandmother killed herself with a bottle of rum and a fistful of pills. Your sister and mother were lost to a roving band of rapist, thieving utahraptors. I do what I need to to survive. The world has gone cold. Adapt, or die like the others. I'll not carry your weight any longer. Stop acting like a fucking herbivore."
At that word, Roberts eyes narrowed. In the warm-time, being called a herbivore was enough to send him over the edge. Ironic then, that in these bleak, fridged end times, it's what finally gave him the courage to stand up to his father.
"The worlds gone cold, father? And you with it."
"Perhaps, but I'm still here, when so many others aren't."
"But at what cost? You've abandoned everything that makes you a dinosaur, and for nothing. Look above you. The sun is returning."
Three days prior Robert had noticed a tiny spec of light in the night sky, where no light had appeared for nearly four months. "The gods have not forsaken us," he had said. "A new sun comes! We're to be given a second chance!"
Earl was not so sure. When he looked up at the flaming orb just over the tree tops, he saw an ill-omen. "It's much bigger than it was just three days ago," he said.
"Our salvation comes swiftly," Robert answered in that happy and confident voice that used to so endear him to Earl, but only served to annoy him now. Or perhaps our doom, Earl thought.
The elder Sinclair stalked off a few paces and grabbed the spears. "Come, we need to hunt," he said as he tossed a spear to Robert, still lying on the ground.
"I don't think I'm fit to move just yet."
"Then stay here and rot. To stagnate means death. I told you I'll carry your weight no longer."
Robert had had it. The man he once knew as his father - the man he once loved - was no longer the shell of the dinosaur that stood before him. He had been replaced with the most cold-hearted, evil dinosaur to ever walk the earth. Muster your courage, Robbie. Do this for Baby.
One moment Earl was walking away from the campsite, spear over his shoulder to go claim the life of the next living thing with flesh on its bones to be used for sustenance. The next, he couldn't breath. A terrible pain radiated from his abdomen. He looked down to see the tip of a hunting spear lodged through his chest. His strained breathing coupled with a gurgling sound told him his lung had been pierced. With every effort he looked back to see Robert staring at him with the same hardened gaze Earl had given him moments ago from across the fire.
Earl collapsed. His breathing slowed and became more strained. The gurgle made Robert wince. Earl turned his glassy eyes from the sky towards Robert and tried one last sentence before the life drained from him.
"...no ...sun," and he was gone.
Robert stared at his former father's unblinking eyes. "No son." We lived under the same roof for my whole life - 15 years - and in the span of four months everything that I knew turned upside down. I've lost everything that ever meant anything to me. He looked to the sky. But salvation comes.
As two generations of Sinclairs lay with their backs to the dying earth - one living, one perished - Robert looked up at his supposed salvation. The New Sun has gotten bigger even since I've been lying here... Strange. It looks to be a plummeting rock, bathed in flame, rapidly approaching the earth...
For those of you who don't know, over the last couple of weeks the Street Fighter 4 Dtoid community has been holding a ranbat. Ranbat stands for ranking battle; it's pretty much just a tournament where points are assigned to winners based on placement. These points are then used in subsequent tournaments to determine how best to match opponents up and set the brackets. Plus over multiple tournaments it becomes easy to see who is stepping their game up.
Anyway, here is some detailed information on how the tournament went down, match by match:
Jesus H Christ
Jesus H Christ (Ryu) vs mourning orange (Ryu)
2 - 0
Jesus H Christ (Ryu) - Danro (Ken) - Jesus H Christ is eliminated 0 - 2
KD Alpha (Zangief) vs VashTS (Sakura)
2 - 0
Cataract (Honda) vs Solgrim (Honda) - Solgrim is eliminated 2 - 0
de BLOO (Akuma) vs Danro (Ken) - de BLOO is eliminated 0 - 2
Cataract (Honda) vs Danro (Ken) - Danro is eliminated 2 - 1
Cataract (Honda) vs VashTS (Sakura) - VashTS is eliminated 2 - 1
KD Alpha (Dan) vs Cataract (Dan)
2 - 0
13th, earning 4 points in the ranbat: madfigs, BusterSlash, ScottyG, mourning orange
9th, earning 8 points in the ranbat: ZServ, Wedge, crazy beethoven, Senisan82
7th, earning 10 points in the ranbat: Jesus H Christ, Char Aznable
5th, earning 12 points in the ranbat: de BLOO, Solgrim
4th, earning 13 points in the ranbat: Danro
3rd, earning 14 points in the ranbat: VashTS
2nd, earning 15 points in the ranbat: Cataract
Grand Champion, earning 16 points in the ranbat: KD Alpha
A few pretty interesting things happened in this tournament.
Unfortunately, Senisan82 had to forfeit fairly early in the tournament due going on vacation. He and Char are on similar levels of skill, so it would have been interesting to see how things might have gone differently.
As you can see above, the Grand Finals match was a Dan mirror match. Cataract and KD agreed on the forums to test their Dans against each other. As Danro pointed out, Cataract had no idea that KD is a Dan Grandmaster.
VashTS considerably stepped his game up for this tournament. Maining Sakura of all characters, he made it all the way to the Winners Finals. Vash has Sakura's mix up game down to a tee, and took me out of the tournament with a perfect round in our last match.
The Danro vs Cataract match up turned out to be one of the marquee matches. Facing each other in the very first round, they met again in the Losers Semi-finals. Both matches were very close, and we were lucky enough to get the second one on video.
A big thanks to everyone who participated. We'll be doing these regularly once SOUPA DOUPA comes out in two months!
Now I'd like to share some thoughts on the Street Fighter Dtoid community. There are about 10 of us or so who constantly talk about SF in the forums. Go to the games forum and you'll see the proof of how nuts we are about it. As of this writing, the top three most active threads in the games forum are Mass Effect 2 at 742 posts, Demon's Souls at 904 posts, and Super Street Figher 4 at 3,041 posts. Most of those are made by the same ten or so people.
Super is coming out soon, and we want you to join us.
If you're worried about not being good at the game, don't be. WE WILL HELP YOU. You can only get better by playing, and most of us are willing to offer advice as we play. I have been helped in this same way by our top players, and it has stepped my game up considerably. I am a far better player since I started playing regularly with KD Alpha and de BLOO.
Once Super comes out, there will probably be a grace period where we're all fooling with the game and doing the new challenges and learning the new characters, but it won't be very long before we start getting more serious about these ranbats. I personally want it to be a regular thing, and I'm inviting everyone reading this to be a part of them.
So keep your eyes peeled on the forums and c-blogs, and start practicing. Also, feel free to hit me up for some matches in the mean time!
I've been gaming for literally longer than I can remember, and in all this time there has not been one game that I can truly say I've mastered. I've gotten decent at a few, sure. I beat all but General RAAM by myself on Hardcore difficulty in Gears of War. I can 95% or more most any Guitar Hero/ Rock Band song you throw at me on Hard. I can beat Super Mario World in less than a half hour. I have most all the pokemans.
So when I say "I suck at video games," I'm not including myself amongst the general population of gamers who don't look to video games for a good old fashioned rape. No, for some depraved, masochistic reason, I count myself amongst the hardcore.
Jesus H Christ [BL] vs. Your paraplegic, amputee grandmother [DA]
Here I'm defining "hardcore" as the type of gamer who seeks out the toughest challenges. Those who attempt perfect runs of Mega Man 9, those who compete in Street Fighter tournaments, those who strive to be at the top of leader boards in Call of Duty, Halo, et al. I am one of these people. Notice the verbs I used two sentences ago. "Attempt" "compete," and "strive to be." Not "complete" perfect runs of Mega Man 9, not "win" Street Fighter tournaments, and not "reside" at the top of leader boards.
Because I suck. Hard. Golf ball through a garden hose kind of hard. Light itself cannot escape my gravitational pull kind of hard.
My kill-to-death ratio in most shooters usually gravitates to about 0.7. For some it's much lower. The best I ever did was in Call of Duty 4, where it was about a 0.95.
I always play shooters on the easiest difficulty setting the first time through
My win ratio in Street Fighter 4 is about 28%. I watch pros play, analyze their styles, and try to take note of the mistakes I make when I play. Yet I will still jump into a standing shoto just waiting to shoryuken me in the balls
I play Persona 4 on beginner. By the time I had gotten to the second dungeon boss I had already used three of the instant resurrection items
To this day I have not beat Mega Man 9, even when I buy nine energy tanks and nine lives before I go to Wily's Castle
I think I am the only person in the world who actually sucks at Tetris
But lest you get the wrong idea from this blog, I am not complaining. I do not lament my poor reflexes and hand-eye coordination. I love playing games, no matter how bad I am at them. Finally getting through a game after what feels like the millionth try is extremely satisfying. And being the eternal optimist, I can always just look at the silver lining and say that because I have to restart so much, I get more time out of my games, and thus more value, right? Right? Guys?
"Jesuses" is indeed the plural of "Jesus." I looked it up.
I've been browsing Destructoid for almost two years now. In that time I feel like I've gotten to know a lot of you on an almost personal level. Not only do I recognize you from your avatars and usernames, but through your comments and blogs I've gotten a feel for your personalities, tastes, interests, and senses of humor. I feel like I know a lot of you. If we were to meet in person, I feel there would practically be no need for an introduction.
However, this account has only been active for about five months. I comment a fair amount, but I rarely blog, and I never go into IRC or the forums. You probably don't know shit about me. So, inspired (read: ripped off from) Silver Draagon's awesome blog from yesterday, here are ten things you may not know about me.
1) I'm grateful for all the drama that went down a few weeks ago. Sorry to bring this up as I'm sure we're all pretty sick of hearing about it and don't particularly care to remember it, but have you noticed anything different about Destructoid since it happened? Nick posting about Nintendo cereal, spontaneous hugging, Tyra Tuesday, BioToid? Destructoid has grown even more personal than it was before, somewhat in thanks to the "growing pain" of the last couple weeks.
2) I've only been a "hardcore" gamer for about two years. I don't mean I switched from nothing but browser-based flash games to the PS3. I've been gaming since I was about three years old, but it's only been in the last two that I've kept up with the industry, gotten into more indie titles, and generally had games be a bigger part of my life. Before I would play your Final Fantasies, Grand Theft Autos, the occasional Tony Hawk game, but now I play any triple A and not so triple A title I can get my hands on.
3) I regret getting rid of my old systems so much! This kind of ties into #2. Whenever a new system would come out I figured the logical thing to do would be to trade up for it, and this was before the days of backwards compatibility of course. I disparately wish I still had my NES, SNES, Genesis, Game Gear, Game Boy, Saturn, and Dreamcast. Alas, I was a tard.
4) As I've gotten older I have a lower tolerance for jRPGs. The games that originally turned gaming into more than just a hobby and into an obsession for me were jRPGs; Final Fantasy 7 and Super Mario RPG. I think the last jRPG I truly enjoyed was Final Fantasy X. I gave Lost Odyssey a fair shot and it just failed to resonate with me. I'm not sure what it is. Is it the grinding, the long cutscenes, the recycled stories, my lack of time now that I have to be an adult? Yes to all four. But with my recent rediscovery of my love of tacticals I'm hopeful that there is a jRPG out there somewhere to wean me back onto them. Thanks to DiscounToid, Persona 3: FES arrived in the mail today. Fingers crossed.
5) World of Warcraft can go fuck the Devil in Hell. I have some weird need to level. Watching my undead priest go from a level one wimp in rags to a level 60 healing machine was a pure joy for me. I played for a little over a year, and quit about two months after the first expansion came out. I had a total playtime between my characters of about two months. I tried playing again about a year ago and it made me sick. Running from enemy to enemy, simply right clicking and waiting for it to die. It was awful. But I love leveling up and the Warcraft universe so much, it makes me mad how little respect for my time that game has. Fuck it.
6) What my username says about me In a word; nothing. I'm not religious or anti-religious. I'm not fond of labels but if I had to choose a religious doctrine I'd call myself an agnostic. It's not that I'm on the fence or that I'm being non-committal. I feel that an absolute belief without proof in the existence of God is just as silly and irrational as an absolute belief with no proof in the absence of a god. Cthulhu fhtagn.
7) I'm learning Japanese. I've been learning for about three weeks now. There's a series of YouTube videos a drunk American English teacher living in Japan makes that I've been watching. I can say "Where is the toilet?" and "That guy is a motherfucker."
8) I've been making music since I was 15. I started learning guitar at 13 and joined a band a few years later. We sucked. Bad. I've mostly played in shitty grind/metal bands because it seems like everyone in South Carolina either wants to play that or Hot Topic music. A few years ago I decided to just start writing music on my own and making MIDI files out of what I wrote. There's a link to the Myspace page of a few of my songs in my side bar if you want to listen.
9) Here are some additional facts about me. I'm 23. I live in Columbia, South Carolina. I went to school for technical drafting (drawing blueprints) but I don't use my degree for my job. I work for a company called CSI that makes construction materials for buildings and bridges. Most drunk bimbos at bars think I do forensics when I tell them where I work. I have a cat named Mellow who recently scratched the paint off my wall in the shape of a cock. I just got done reading Y: The Last man.
10) I'm going to put a baby in each and every one of you.