Nintendo recently announced Metroid Prime: Federation Force, and everyone is up in arms about it. As well they should be, because the most important female character in all of gaming has been denied the privilege of being in the game. I'm talking about a strong female role model. She is that which all women should aspire to be. I am, of course, talking about Tiny Kong.
Tiny has long been a staple of the gaming universe. As the main protagonist in the horribly mis-named hit title Donkey Kong 64, Tiny is a total badass. (Many people mistakenly think that Chunky Kong was the main character in DK64, but they are wrong because of well-researched facts.) The younger sister of Dixie Kong, Tiny is automatically superior, because younger siblings are just fucking better in videogames, okay? Just look at Luigi. He had a whole year named after him. Did Mario have a year? I don't think so. Tiny Kong deserves to be the main character in Metroid Prime: Federation Force more than anyone. Does Samus Aran have any older siblings? No, because Ridley killed her entire family. Tiny, however, has a huge family of friendly folk, just waiting to follow her into a dangerous mission.
As you can see in the image above (no not that one, scroll up some more) Tiny sports a badass crossbow. This is not just any badass crossbow, however. It shoots feathers. Feathers of doom. Or something. With that kind of precision weapon, she would be a perfect addition to the Blast Ball roster. In fact, no other team could ever possibly win against her. And you best hope she doesn't get her hands on homing ammunition, because then there will be nowhere to hide. Tiny will fire feather after feather of pure heat-seeking destruction right toward your stupid face. You think you are safe, but you will never be safe, because Tiny is coming for you.
Samus has the Screw Attack, but Tiny can float through the air with her pigtails. Every time Samus goes on a mission, she somehow loses all of her abilities and has to regain them, but Tiny's abilities are innate. Built in. They are a part of her. Speaking of Tiny's abilities, I haven't even gotten to the best one, yet. She can shrink down to the size of a cute lil' amiibo. God damn it, Nintendo! Why isn't there a Tiny Kong amiibo yet? You're making an Arwing amiibo, but not Tiny. An Arwing? A stupid vehicle from a terrible game series that nobody cares about because it doesn't have adorable little monkey girls with pigtails. For fuck sake.
This Kong's got style, so listen up dudes
She can shrink in size, to suit her mood
She's quick and nimble when she needs to be
She can float through the air and climb up trees
If you choose her, you'll not choose wrong
With a skip and a hop, she's one cool Kong
I rest my case. If Nintendo is dead-set on releasing a crappy Metroid game without Tiny Kong, then this game needs to be erased from existence. Federation Force? More like Federation Farce.