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Jamie McGinn avatar 8:40 AM on 04.03.2011
Pooping is shit, I will make it better.



Why no, this is not videogame related.

We all must poop, yet the act of evacuating one's bowels is not very exciting. Relieving oneself is not an emotional experience, nor does launching a sub help us better understand the human condition. Why must such a necessary biological function be so boring? Could ass sneezing be an emotional journey of self discovery? Can drowning a mud bunny ever be considered a spiritual experience?

I would say that the answer is yes.

I believe that with a simple choice of music, the next time you frisbee a bun fudge you will have a life changing experience. Allow me to set the scene.

You didn't sleep well last night and getting up was, in and of itself, a monumental feat of sheer willpower. With no time for breakfast you hurry to your place of work, where you prepare to toil in anguish for the next 8 hours. You are kept busy throughout the day, far too busy in fact as you have no time to spare, that thing you kept putting off can be put off no longer as the impending deadline looms above you like a really fat, intimidating bird. As the day passes, you feel a pressure in your bowels, any other day you would have taken a quick break to do a big jobby, but not this day, you are far too busy.

Eventually the workday ends and you begin the journey home. The pressure in your bowels demands your attention, you begin to fear that even though you are a grown adult, you might actually shit yourself. Rush hour traffic cares not a jot for your desperate plight to get home and do the backdoor trot. What feels like centuries later, you manage to get home, you make a desperate dash for the loo and whip your kegs down as fast as humanly possible.

Suddenly nothing. The pressure keeps building but there is no release! You frantically grab on to anything you can nearby to brace yourself. You can feel your entire body begin to quake as your own personal Krakatoa nears exploding.

And then the music kicks in. (Please listen to the songs and imagine yourself in this situation)

Michael Giacchino - There's no place like home


You begin to think this is the one. This is the poop you feared all along. This is the poop that kills you. Thoughts of your loved ones flood through your mind, do they know how you really feel about them? When they find your exploded body, will they understand how much you cared? You begin to transition through the five stages of poop grief. At first you deny that you even have to poop at all, clenching as hard as you can. Then anger, anger at the poop. Fuck you poop, you think. You begin to bargain with your ass, "I'll get more fiber in my diet!" you say, "Wait, or is it less fiber? I will change the amount of fiber in my diet!" you plead, but your ass seems not to care. You begin to openly weep at the futility of life as depression sets in, before finally accepting your fate. You lived a good life, full of love, laughter and apparently poop. You mentally say your farewell to this life and close your eyes.

Plop.

Bill Conti - Gonna Fly Now


You've trained all your life for this moment. The situation seems dire, but you are not a quitter. Physically spent, you have only your sheer willpower to see you through. Knuckles turn white as you tighten your grip on whatever you can find, teeth gritted, you prepare to go the distance. When this struggle began, you both feared and hated the poop. However, during your epic battle you've gained a new found respect, a warriors respect. Together you have battled and brought out the best in each other. A single manly tear streaks down your face as you feel your opponent slip up. He fought well and died in battle, like a true warrior.

What a heroic little shit.

Flight of the Valkyries


There is no setting up for this wonderful pooping aid of a song. Just listen to it and imagine how improved your shitting experience will be. You may drop off a few pounds in the bowl, but you'll feel a few feet taller afterwards.

This is by no means a complete list. There are many other wonderful pieces out there that will vastly enrich the act of dropping doo-doo depth charges. Please feel free to share your own personal discoveries and experiences in the comments below.

I honestly urge you to try this, it will forever change your life.


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