In the interest of filling in the blank space between Dtoid New York and Dtoid Baltimore/DC on Destructoid's NARP World Domination Map, I'd like to propose a NARP group for the Delaware Valley- the tri-state area encompassing southeastern Pennsylvania, southern New Jersey, and all of Delaware. If you love cheesesteaks, Tastykakes, Ben Franklin and Harry Kalas, leave a comment and tell me what you think about building the NARP of Brotherly Love.

It’s been close to a week since I saw Watchmen. Now that all the fanboy squee has finally subsided, I can share a few possibly-reasonable thoughts about the film.

Naturally, there will be spoilers.

Quite a few of them, in fact.

Enough to ruin the movie for people who haven’t seen it yet.

Ruin it so much that someone might want to throw in a number of useless words and line breaks to make absolutely sure none of them surface above the break.



Hamburger.




There, that should do it.


- There’s one thing the film does better than the original comic books, and this is mostly due to Zack Snyder’s directing. When I read the comics, I learned a great deal about how twisted crimefighters can be- but I saw very, very little of them actually fighting crime. There were occasional references here and there, but there was little to suggest that most of these people were more remarkable than high-end cosplayers. Nite Owl and Silk Spectre got the worst of the melodrama- at no point do we see either of them being even capable of beating up thugs or taking down mobsters. In the few scenes we see them actually doing the hero thing- notably the fire rescue- their actions are noticeably downplayed.

It was refreshing, then, to see Zack Snyder work his action-as-porn magic to give this pair three separate scenes of awesome- rescuing kids from a building, ripping apart a street gang, and busting Rorschach out of prison, In these scenes, Nite Owl and Silk Spectre would look right at home next to the likes of Batman or Spider-Man, and remind us all that this is a story about superheroes, not just people with costumes and complexes.

- I initially didn’t like the music direction; I thought the licensed tunes used in the film sounded like someone threw darts at a pile of Billboard magazines. Looking back, however, I now see the wisdom of using such ubiquitous songs such as “The Times, They Are A-Changin” and “99 Luftballons”- Watchmen is about a world exactly like our own, the sole difference being the existence of superheroes- and the divergence between the two worlds is jarring enough that, without changing a note, Bob Dylan sounds like he’s singing a much different tune.

The one choice I liked from the beginning, however, was “All Along The Watchtower” blaring while Rorschach and Nite Owl are careening towards Ozymandias’ arctic hideout. The fiery guitar and the low, zooming cuts are ripped from every time-to-get-the-bad-guy sequence from every action movie ever made, and even though I knew exactly how their last-ditch effort would end, I still felt my heart race and my fingers grip the armrests. A Pavlovian impulse kicked in somewhere, and, for a few fleeing moments, I honestly forgot the futility I was heading towards. This scene plays the superhero genre completely by the numbers, and in doing so, becomes one of the most subversive pieces of the movie.

- Speaking of Ozy, his characterization was the only big problem I had with this adaptation. The original comic goes out of its way to show that, in his time, Adrian Veidt was a paragon of physical, mental, and spiritual prowess beyond even his fellow vigilantes, making the revelation of his ultimate plan all the more unexpected and devastating. Given that the very theme of Watchmen revolves around the noblest of heroes doing something horrifying for the good of mankind, it was disappointing that Veidt was the only main character not to get a piece of the movie’s gluttonous exposition.

It was a terrific cheap thrill, however, to watch him go tell the energy industrialists to go drill themselves.

- One of my co-workers saw the movie this Wednesday, and he brought up an interesting point- he figured that Watchmen would have been better off as a two-part movie, a la Kill Bill- with the split point being the arrest of Rorschach, and fade-outs of Dr. Manhattan on Mars and the world preparing for nuclear war to establish the setting before fading to black and rolling the credits.

There’s a number of reasons this wouldn’t quite work Kill Bill is sold entirely on its gripping, stylized fight scenes- it doesn’t take a lot of exposition to let the audience know what’s going on. Watchmen, on the other hand, is an obtuse, heady film, crammed with more plot and character than any five non-Batman superhero movies. It’s the cinematic equivalent of drinking a pint of Guinness with a molasses chaser. It takes enough mental effort to absorb its world once- doing it twice seems like an exercise in masochism.

Furthermore, Quentin Tarantino’s earned the public trust. Regardless of what you think of his style, you can walk in to any one of his films and know exactly what you’re getting- a trademark blend of brutality and class, like Frank Sinatra with a samurai sword. Zack Snyder, while notorious for 300, doesn’t have anywhere close to the same amount of cred, plus, he’s working with a property that had, until now, zero public awareness. Does that really sound like something most moviegoers would pay to see the first half of?

Then, of course, there’s the absolute futility of keeping the twist ending under wraps for the entire time. Watchmen’s plot hinges on its final act, knowing it before seeing it in action dulls the point of the entire story.

That being said, Watchmen is a mindbender, more so than most movies that reach mainstream theaters. Even knowing the graphic novel (if there’s any comic that ever deserved to be called this, it’s Watchmen) inside and out, I still had to work my brain to keep up with the myriad threads of backstory and exposition interlaced through the film- at close to three hours, it’s no easy task.

Thus, about halfway through the film, I began to think about how nice an intermission would be right about then.

With its ambitious attempt at world-building, Watchmen feels like a film for another time, when a movie came with a newsreel and a cartoon, and there was always time to interrupt the plot for a 15-minute Gene Kelly dancing sequence.

Zack Snyder took extensive care to maintain the depth, density, and intricacy of Alan Moore’s alternate 1985, and the result is like a hangover after a really good party- one of the best headaches you’ll ever have.

What do you think? Would you have appreciated a 15-minute breather after Rorschach gets hauled off, or Dr. Manhattan's talk-show ambush?

Super awesome brownie points to Harry Partridge for raping our childhoods in a wonderful, wonderful way.

Oh, Travis, you sociopath otaku, why do we love you so much?

Is it your shiny lightsaber?

Is it your terrific fashion sense?

Is it your expansive knowledge of wrestling moves ?

Is it your ability to make it with saucy French hotness ?

Well, yes.

But, it's more than that. There's something else about you, Travis. There's a reason you've captured the hearts and imaginations of gamers everywhere.

You, Travis, are us.

You live in a small, messy hovel coated from wall-to-wall with anime figures and wrestling masks.

You habitually rent porn and pickup videos.

You're a 27-year-old single white male with no career aspirations to speak of, forced to take dead-end jobs and run errands to make ends meet.

You, sir, are the collective sum of everyone who's ever picked up a controller.

How could we not love you?

How could we not feel a visceral chill every time you throw your lightsaber way up in the air, powerbomb some jerk right into the ground, and have the blade land straight down in the middle of the sucker's chest?

How can we not celebrate every time you carve apart a stage magician, a wannabe superhero, or a Charles Bronson look-alike?

How can we not feel a wonderful little tingle every time you get a little closer to that flirty tease Sylvia?

It's because you are every one of us, Travis, the most perfect player surrogate since Super Mario.

Few of us will ever be badass engineers, or buxom archaeologists, or brooding vagabond warriors. There'll always be some disconnect between the likes of Link, Sub-Zero, and Niko Bellic, and the people who play them.

But you?

At the opening screen, we've already done everything you've managed to do in life, short of buy a lightsaber in an online auction and start cutting down faceless hordes. The entire useful portion of your life starts at the moment we pick up the Wiimote and get to work.

And as you hack and slash through a complex allegory of ththere e pains of a quarter-life crisis, trusting your force and heading toward the garden of madness, we're right with you along the way.

Of course we love you, Travis. We wanna kill our heroes, too.

Wow, what a thing to wake up to. I just crawled off of my couch an hour ago, and logged onto Dtoid- and that weird new box in the corner says I rocketed all the way up to 2200something in the Destructoid rankings. How did that happen? I checked my profile, and found an influx of new comments on my most recent attempt at a Monthly Musing. Huh? I thought it was long gone from the c-blog front page. I click the blog link- and there's that green banner staring right back at me.

Promoted?

What the cock?

Am I still dreaming? No, Bender's not outside pushing my car anymore. It's real!

I'm flabbergasted. I'm honored, really. I've been wanting to get a front-page since I started putting more time into blogging, but I really didn't think I'd hit the homerun right away.

So, a sincere, pixel-laden thank you to the Destructoid editorial staff for bending their rules slightly to bring my loose collection of mental brain thoughts into the spotlight. I really can't say how overwhelmed I am.

A few notes:

- Magfest actually took place from January 1-4, 2009- I put the writing in the present tense for stylistic purposes.
- Like a game show, I edited out some parts not affecting the overall purpose of the article- such as the fact that the Xbox 360 froze (as it did all night) during the final riff of "N.I.B.", or that our original second song was "Toxicity" by System of a Down, only to find that it hadn't been downloaded to this particular console. All hardware at Magfest is loaned out from attendees.
- Batthink: Because of the above, I don't know exactly how we did on our first song, but I finished with 89% on Master Exploder medium.
- I still may have some details wrong. My mind gets really fuzzy, so I'm always open to corrections from people more aware of what actually happened than I am.
- I don't think I did enough justice to my bandmates. Without Jordan and the others, I wouldn't have had the chance to get on stage. Thanks guys, you absolutely rocked.

Again, thank you to the Destructoid editorial staff and community for giving me a slightly larger infinitesimally-small slice of cyberspace on which to speak my piece.

Not the top. Not the bottom. Just ten.

1. Mercenaries 2: "Oh No You Didn't"



The game, with its mixed reception, hardly does this spot justice. The gleeful, cash-toned rampage makes a terrific sale by itself, but the star of the show is that song. "Oh No You Didn't" is the catchiest tune to hit the internet since "Chocolate Rain", fusing gangsta-rap lyrics with glee-club vocals and a cheery piano recital. But, unlike most message board memes, the advertising company that wrote the song is making real, non-theoretical dollars from their hard work- the song has becoming a PA staple at NFL stadiums across the league. Way to go, Wojahn Bros.: You're the new Gary Glitter.

2. 989 Studios: "I Hate Mall Santas"



Angry clowns shaking down Santa Claus. How can you lose? 989 Studios made a mess of Twisted Metal, but this campaign was a winner, with Sweet Tooth and his band of midget mischief-makers kidnapping elves and blowing things up. It's a shame more weren't made, nor that 989 couldn't make better games- there may be no person more emblematic of what we love about video games than a psychopathically violent clown. Sweet Tooth: so much wasted potential.

3. Nintendo: "Wii Would Like To Play"



We gasped, we spit, we twisted ourselves into balloon animal shapes when, in May 2006, Nintendo revealed its simple, three-letter vision to the world: "Wii." Sony and Microsoft fanboys held pep rallies and mock funerals across the internet as Nintendo committed its grand comeback for a word used by potty-training two-year-olds. We prayed it was a joke, and that we'd see a restored, bad-assified "Revolution" at E3, but Reggie and the rest would only show us just how serious they were about their new vision of the video game business. We all know the rest of the story from there: the Wii took the gaming world by storm, smashed sales records, and introduced the joys of headshots, Goomba-stomping, and virtual sports to millions and millions of brand-new customers.

4. Sega: "Genesis Does What Nintendon't"



In 1990, Nintendo towered over the revived video game industry, having a ridden a robot and a plumber to worldwide prominence. The Big N was as hot as Michael Jackson at the turn of the 90's, and it ate competitors like the Atari 7800 and the Sega Master System for breakfast. Atari would fade from the console game without much of a fuss- but Sega had other plans.

From out of nowhere, Sega threw down the gauntlet. With a library of good-looking arcade ports, sports games, and celebrity-driven franchises, the Genesis took the fight right to Nintendo's doorstep, and kicked off the first true console war. Sega's sales didn't take off right away- it took a certain blue hedgehog to do that- but Genesis never let up, hammering the message home time after time, so by the time the Super NES arrived in late 1991, it found waiting a worthy competitor with legions of fans.

Playgrounds and elementary schools across the nation were thick with heated arguments between the black box and the grey box, and while Nintendo ultimately won the day, Sega left it with a grevious wound- the dreaded "kiddie" label that led to its downfall in the next console war.

5. Tekken 4: "Prepare to Die, Egg"



If you're reading this website, you've done something like this, no question. A good game commercial really just needs to remind us why we play games in the first place, and this little slice of Enter My Breakfast is no exception.

6. Gamespot: "The Magic Is Gone"



I'll leave criticism of Gamestop- and it's certainly deserved- to someone more qualified and entertaining than myself. (Oops! I can't! By some freak accident, WhistleBlowerZero's Youtube account is suspended. Very unsuspicious!) This rare, heartwarming moment between a player and his game gets its bittersweet message across plainly and charmingly- taking your games back doesn't mean you're a bad player, or it's a bad game- it's just time to move on. If only all breakups could be this understanding.

7. Link's Awakening: "Zelda Rap 2"



They tried it once, to unintentionally hilarious results- so when it came time to bring Link to the small screen, Nintendo saw fit to drop another set of fresh beats. Actual cinematography and an actual black guy help things, but we still get lines like this:

"Down with Zelda from the very start!
I got the the heart and smarts to play the part!
D-d-down with Zelda!
Peepin' through with an overhead view cause a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do so
I stay on track. Collect the facts. Never cut slack cause I always watch my back for Jacks... "

Truly, the early 90's were a dark and mysterious time.

8. Mortal Kombat: "Mortal Kombat!!"



Before Madden, before Halo, before GTA or anything else, there was one day video gamers everywhere circled on their calendars.

September 13, 1993. Mortal Monday.

Mortal Kombat had already broken ground once, bringing the joys of decapitation, electrocution, and amateur heart transplants to the arcade floor. It directly challenged the wisdom that rated-R violence had no place in video games- and we were all hooked. Kombat went quarter-to-quarter with the technically superior Street Fighter 2 with its bonecrushing hits and sadistically satisfying finishing moves, all to the abject horror of parents, teachers, and politicians nationwide.

And now, it was coming to your living room.

What did Midway really need to sell? All they had to do was make the call. Thus, that's all they did, in the best 15 seconds of any fifth-grader's life.

Hype over a home video game release was still a new concept in this day and age- most of the classics of the 8-bit era were discovered by gamers themselves, through trial and error and word of mouth. Midway, instead, saw fit to end the guessing, and launched a marketing blitz that would culminate in one wondrous day- Mortal Monday, 1993. Of course, the violence we got was neutered- gone entirely on the SNES, locked away on the Genesis ("ABACABB" was second only to the Konami code in playground prestige). But, every midnight opening and viral campaign today owes a little something to the day the violence came home.

9. Super Mario Bros. 3: "Global Mario"



Perhaps only this image can do justice to just how big Mario was in 1991. Just... just look at it. It's a thing of unimaginable beauty. There's nothing more that can be said. It's Mario's planet, we're just living in it.

10. Super Mario Land 2: "Obey Wario"



This one's a personal favorite. Unlike a certian giant turtle, this brand-new Mario villain had no problems getting all up in your craw. Character debuts don't come any stronger than this. This twisted, slimy version of our favorite plumber was trying to get us to turn our backs on ol' Red, and by golly, we weren't gonna stand for it. Wario was a relatively lifeless sprite in the actual game, but on the strength of this performance, we knew exactly the kind of scummy ne'er-do-well we were stomping into the ground- and damn, did it ever feel good. It's safe to say that without this psychotic grimace tattooed in gamers' minds, Wario would join Wart and Tatanga in the dust bin of also-ran Mario villains, rather than the star of two game series and a regular guest in sports games.

Just... just look at his face in the end. Have you ever seen anything so punchable?