If it sounds like IĎm bragging thatís because I kinda am. You would too. Not because getting laid is particularly brag worthy (lots of people do it) and not because I subscribe to the ridiculous stereotype that all gamers are socially backwards virgins (which is as untrue as it is over used.) No, Iím bragging about it because itís weird. Itís a bizarre and kinda cool thing that happened to me. This is not how things are supposed to work. The universe should not reward me with sex because I spent too much time as a kid playing Super Nintendo. Thatís just not right, and it gives me the wrong idea about how I should live my life.
See back when I was one of those stereotypical socially backwards virgin gamers, the idea that somewhere out there was a girl I could possibly have sex with was what got me to put down the controller in the first place. As exciting as my first Tomb Raider-induced erection was was, I was well aware that Lara Croft would never actually be able to touch it.
Even though I could tell she totally wanted to.
If I wanted my erection to go anywhere I needed to leave the house. So I did. I did what any horny teenager with half a brain does, I made friends with girls, I attended parties with girls, I spent every moment I could attempting to touch girls. I started writing and got involved with theatre (because the hottest girls at my school were all into drama.) Eventually it worked.
The point is that usually sex is the reward you get for being an active healthy human being. Sex is what happens when you do things like clean yourself, dress nicely, go outside, socialise, lead an interesting and productive lifeÖ those sorts of things. When I wanted to get laid I had to be interesting, funny, charming, and hygienic. Playing videogames, reading comics, and watching stupidly large amounts of late night infomercials, these were purely selfish pursuits.
Iím not claiming that I stopped these hobbies. Of course not. In all honesty I still probably spend far too much of my time and money on these things. Just that the only reward I got from doing them was entertainment, and several great deals on steak knives.
Iíve probably spent more nights staring into this manís eyes than any womanís.
Wow, Tim Shaw jokes? Man that is one dated reference. At any rate my point is that being a gamer doesnít mean I shouldnít be able to get laid, but it certainly shouldnít help me. Charm, wit, intelligence, and art, these were the skills you have to use to get girls.
Being good at videogames once got me laid.
It always irritates me that the media always seems to portray gamers as lonely virgins, but to an extent I understand why. The hobby is not sexy, itís not active, and (online communities aside) it can be quite anti-social. Every time I replay Mass Effect 2, I am not improving my life (although I am however improving my gamerscore which currently stands at 21150. What? I like my Gamerscore!)
Of course in reality a person can have many hobbies, both social and anti-social and keep these parts of their life in balance. Itís not tricky. However, expecting the media to have a clear and balanced view of the world is pointless, particularly when most of us geeky types seem to delight in trying to force these stereotypes onto each other.
ďHey did you check out those Xbox fans? Those guys are total virgins!ĒĖ Lord Nintendofanloves69s the 3rd.
So as I got older my priorities changed. I still loved my geeky pursuits but more and more of my time was being spent working on my non-gaming skills because these were the skills that would bring me money, friends, and blowjobs. So when one day I managed to get laid due to my ability to efficiently navigate fire pits, it terrified me.
Not the sex, that was great, nor the girl, she was lovely. What terrified me was the idea that maybe if I was even better at videogames would I get more sex out of it? What if I had made a terrible mistake? What if instead of deciding to become more charming, Iíd simply put my head down and trained my thumbs harder than before? If I hadnít wasted all that time grooming, Iíd be like a million times better at games right? I could go from door to door, beating difficult games for grateful girls and having them invite me into their beds afterwards to receive my just reward.
Ok, so probably not.
I havenít actually told the story yet. You may not even want to hear it. Itís not a terribly sexy story. There was a girl. I thought she was cute. I tried to chat her up a few times but failed miserably. One day she mentions that she has a Super Nintendo set up next to her bed and plays it all the time. Obviously I suggest that we should play said Super Nintendo together. Fast forward. Weíre sitting on her bed, sheís just kicked my arse at Street Fighter 2, I have just discovered a previously unknown fetish I have for getting my arse kicked in Street Fighter 2 by a cute girl.
Now beat me again, but this time play as Chun LiÖ
Eventually she asks if Iím any good at Mario. I say that Iíve beaten every Mario game (which I haveÖ except for The Lost Levels but that doesnít count right? That game was waaaay too hard.) She asks if Iíll help her beat Mario, as itís the only game she has that she canít beat. I agree to help, and get ready to show her just how well I handle my plumber.
She puts in Mario All-Stars, and of course loads up The Lost Levels.
Now at this point Iím not thinking straight, for the first time ever a girl seems genuinely impressed by my gaming ability. On the other hand every sitcom episode Iíve ever seen where a guy lies to a girl to impress her has ended up with the guy looking like a complete dickhead by the end.
I realised I had to keep the lie going, however I was pretty positive I was about to destroy any chance I had with this girl.
Nintendoís greatest boner killer.
Somehow, that day, we both managed to beat The Lost Levels for the first time. I was psyched, so psyched that I had almost completely forgotten about operation Ďget with cute girlí.
The girl was surprisingly grateful.
I got laid because I managed to beat Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels.
For one beautiful and terrible day, the natural order of things was turned on its head and I was given far more than I deserved. It was awesome.
The next day she made me breakfast. Sex and food? Thank you gaming!
Also on my way home I stopped into my local store to discover a sales rep giving out free ice cream.