The blazing speed, the intense moments before crossing the line in photo finish race, flinging your car off of an overpass and gleefully watching the ensuing pileup. That is the kind of shit I expect when booting up a Burnout title.

But what I got when I plopped in Burnout Paradise was a job at the DMV. So the question must then become, how can you ruin a game that asks you to plow into other cars in order to win? Well the answer is deceivingly simple. All you gotta do is inject it with a bit of bureaucracy, take out a mode that made the title unique, and then slap on a big old heaping of existential crisis. Mix it all up and you have what Sigmund Freud would describe as, "sum Buushit. Mayn."


This screen is waaaay to busy...

Here is the thing. Just as 3D is not the natural progression of every 2D side scroller or brawler, an open ended and realistic sandbox world is not the natural progression of every successful franchise. Other games have found success with the style because they all have what Burnout has never had nor does it need. People.

The games that pull off a sandbox style populate their cities with objectives and storyline that give the player the illusion of purpose. You are this guy, going to do this thing, to reach these ends. So the idea that the the buildings around you all have little people in them going about their little lives is already implanted in the end user and placed in proper context. And its all created so we never get bored exploring the world or interacting with the NPC's.


Them...

These dudes...

The problem in this situation arises for burnout in the fact that any reference to a living person in the game besides the disembodied voice of and incredibly annoying DJ conjures up images of "deathrace" style vehicular manslaughter.



But to me, the idea of EA trying to avoid a murderous connotation from the burnout franchise is a lot like a developer creating a title called "Little girl tickle fest 08'" and saying that it has nothing to do with molestation. EA, calm down, the bad stuff is what we are paying money for. You are only 75% of the problem. If you were gonna do it, you shoulda done it EA BIG. ya know? Kill people, like you do smaller companies.

So what you end up with in Burnout Paradise is a city devoid of personality and empty cars crashing into each other in it. And it is this choice to make Burnout open ended and more realistic that robbed the game of a lot of its fun factor for me.In real life I would have to meet a bunch of objectives to get a license. In real life if I lost a race I would have to drive back to where I started it. In real life I would have to drive halfway across the city to get my car washed and painted. I don't wanna do that shit in real life. Why would I want to do it in a Burnout title?

The fact that John Riccitiello has been publicly going the Ken Levine route of "talking like a real person" about the problems at EA got the hamster wheel in my head spinning. Below are two EA titles.


Skate.


Great balls of fire!

One is an open ended sports title that focuses on exploration and objective completion, displays shiny new gen graphics and a great frame rate, made a lot of moneys, and is fun to play. The other is Burnout Paradise. They both look alike, play alike (relatively),are from the same company, and attempt to cash in on the popularity of a new game play style. The only difference is one fits perfectly into the new genre and the other struggles in it like a fat lady caught in a dolphin net.

EA, we have put up with you releasing the same game every year for as long as you have been in business. But now just releasing every game in your lineup on the same engine with the same design? A new low.

P.S. Riccitiello. I see what you are doing there. Sneaky sneaky.

Woe is the game that tries do make me do stuff that I am not yet comfortable with. A long time ago in Internet years, a.k.a around November of last year, I picked up Legend of Zelda Phantom Hourglass for the DS. I had heard that it would be a direct sequel to the Wind Waker, a title that I, much like the rest of the gaming community, grew to love only after what locals here would describe as "Hella bitchin."

I played about twenty minutes of the game, then threw it in my "gonna play it later(never)" pile. This decision was based on a fundamental disagreement between myself and Miyamoto that I dared not vocalize until now.

First, please let me explain that I am not a small dude. And so it is that were you to look upon me with a DS stylus in my hand the image of that chimp prying food out of an anthill with a stick would come to mind. And it is with this knowledge that you should imagine my confusion and anger when I was left to search for the Ocean Kings hut and got no response from the control pad or action buttons.



The stylus worked just fine though. I thought, is this what it has come to Nintendo? Forcing me to go along with your innovation shenanigans by making them the only way to play your franchise titles? Whats next, only being able to play smash bros. by jumping up and down on the wii yoga mat?

Well. I overcame my hate of the unknown and fear of arthritis( someone please tell me, is there a comfortable position to hold the DS and stylus for over 15 minutes?) and picked up the title again. It....Is....not...bad. Its a Zelda game. And an above par one at that. The bosses take three hits. The sidekicks are annoying as all fuck. Everyone is a spirit animal in disguise in the end. You know which weapon to use according to which refill comes out of which pot. It is all there.

And when all is said and done, some of the puzzles really do benefit from the innovative use of the dual screens, and the ability to make notes and direct weapon trajectory with the stylus makes some otherwise boring dungeons rather fun. It just takes a ridiculously long time to forget that you are being bossed around by a game. Dammit Nintendo. You big bully.

P.S. For everyone that thought this was some kind of smash update....Yeah...

It seems that the game industry is always in a race with itself. And in this race there are four very distinct types of people all vying for the front of the pack. The Designer/Writer is the new guy on the block. He came around in the late 80's and early 90's. He went to a big school on an English scholarship but drank a lot and got fed up with the normal run.He thinks up these dope concept games that combine heavy story elements with engaging and addictive game play. The rule sets of the games he creates are mostly complicated and exclusionary. But that is only because he wants the hardcore audience to look at look at his game as art. he wants the Shakespeare, he wants non game players and the snobby literary and film elite to look at his work and acknowledge it as serious. He doesn't care about the masses that only peek into his world as far as the Halo's and Maddens. They only eat junk food and he thinks he is cooking fillet mignon. Fuck em'. So he takes his big Idea to the...


Begat..


The Coder/Programmer/Lever builder/Guy that knows what he is doing. this guy was taking apart his moms computer at about age 10. He slept through computer science class with all A's because that is all he does anyway. L337, haxor, don't bother spouting that shit to this dude because technology for him has long since gone from being an exiting distraction to just... life. All pragmatic and super surly to the point where he knows the specs,the fix, and the code stream to your dreams before you sleep. And it always looks like he just woke up. This guy looks at the sample level drawings and character designs that the Writer got some artist to draw up for a sack of sticky and some Chinese farmed WOW gold, and nearly shit himself laughing. He loves crushing the ideas of designers if only because his gatekeeper title allows him to do so. With knowledge being the power it is, and him with all of it, he can tell easily shave this guys big idea to a skeleton. Not enough memory for this. Would need a hard drive for that. this is just stupid, and wouldn't allow you to do that later. The poor artists eyes begin to water as his golden horse gets beat to death with the hammer of reality right before his eyes. But both reach an unhappy middle ground and take their sample level to...


Begat...


The Producer/The Publisher/The Money/The Alpha Deuche. This guy went to business school. He left with an M.B.A. in "getting that Guap by any means necessary." He followed the money smell into the offices of [insert big game company here]. He doesn't play games, he studies titles. Then he sells them to consumers. He looks at this sample build that the other two guys brought in. The next week he sits them in an office filled with expensive figurines positioned in action poses, and one sheets of games signed by Designers and Programmers past, that look to the guys on the other side of the desk like the the stolen souls of Shang Tsung. He sits back in his chair and tells the guys that he loves what they have done so far, but why can't the action play a little more like "God of War?" Why can't you guys put a little bit of a Sci-Fi twist on the story, like "Assassins Creed?" Have you thought about places that you could put some in game advertising? "You know, L337 it up a little bit, we gotta think about who we are selling this to." They just look at him with blank faces. They hated each other before. But now they have a common enemy.Yet after a lot of arguing, screaming, and sleepless nights, the game goes gold and gets shipped to the hot little hands of...


Begat...


Us/The player/the consumer/ The Civilian. We take one look at this title and see what could have been. We put in the required Thirty Hours of game play, neglecting to collect all of the in game do-dads and finish the filler side quests. then we run to the forums and flame hard and long about the fact that while the game is decent, it didn't deliver anything we haven't seen before. The story was confusing and pointless. The Bosses sucked. The frame rate was for shit. For god sakes, it didn't even have a letterbox option for PC and only ran in 720i! What the Fuck! The Designer gets drunk. The Programmer goes home and has sex with his wife, or his hand. The Producer does lines off a strippers ass while counting his money. We wait for the sequel.


And I say all of that to ask this. The pics above are all of games that attempted to do things with story and gameplay that were well ahead of what was possible technologically at the time. they worked within the confines of an isometric view that proved to be one of the few ways a person could create the illusion of a living world back in the 90's. but now that technology has almost caught up with imagination, game makers are returning to IP's that they probably wished had been 3D in the first place, and are making the games that we loved back then for what they were, better in the process. But where does that end? I went back recently and downloaded the original Fallout to refresh my memory and prep for the new chapter that is on its way. And while playing it I began thinking about all of the titles that deserve a face lift every time technology moves forward. I dunno, is there any titles that you can think of that did not reach their full potential and deserve an upgrade?

In recognition of resident evil 5 returning black zombies to the forefront of the nations consciousness, I would like to present my picks for the black zombies in mass media that broke down walls, and did their part to end the horrible monopoly that White,Spanish, and Japanese zombies have had over the "getting your flesh eaten and joining the ranks of the undead" business for years.



Pick 1: That one zombie guy from land of the dead that did implausibly smart shit with no real explanation.

Look at this guy. He was like the Lando Calrissian of zombies. A leader, a gentleman, an impeccably groomed beard. He told the world, look, I got bit, there is nothing I can do about that. But I am not going to blame society for my problems. I am going to get these other zombies together, go out there, And tear off as many ballsacks as I can with my teeth. A hero for us all. Why the fuck was he walking underwater?




Pick 2: Luke Cage in Marvel Zombies.

Some comic fans say that Luke Cage is an embarrassing leftover from marvels dark age of the 70's where they attempted to cash in on blacksploitation films of the era by introducing an escaped gang member with a lame power and put him in clothes that were twenty times gayer than the cast of Les Misrables.And then topped it by putting an upside down tiara on his head. to them I say, Sweet Christmas! Look at the man now. He wears titty shirts, which are a vast improvement from a yellow silk bathrobe with tights. He is a zombie. he is a Lego collectible. You, are a hater.



Pick 3: Mike Epps from whatever dumb Resident evil movie he was in.

It is hard to be the "not funny" comic relief while alive. Try hiding your zombification, sharing awkward and uncomfortable sexual dialog with Ashanti, and being the destined to die sidekick, all while not telling one funny joke. Epps represents the new wave of black horror movie actors. Well, not really.



Pick 4: Ashanti

I dunno. She is just hot. I don't think she was ever a zombie. Umm.. Wait yeah, she was the one that got eaten by (jim) CROWS AT THE BACK OF A BUS!! (rosa parks, racist).



Pick 5: Duane Jones from Night of the Living Dead.

Yeah, uh, not actually a zombie in the film either. But he was one; a badass, and two; tried and convicted of being a cool black man in a horror film. In the south. And we all know that black pioneers do not last long in the south. But seriously, his role in this film was not only a great step for black actors, but revelation for movies in general. Just good stuff.

And there you go. I wanted to get this list out there just to let folks know that black zombies are nothing new, and working black zombie actors are a dying breed (no pun intended), so any work is good work. So stop your whining ya' uppity Negro's!

It was only a matter of time until we became what we played. The arcade at its peak was both sanctuary and battlefield. You would walk in with your five dollars, do a lap around the dark room, taking in the sticky floors and soaking up the flashing lights and jarring sounds of bleeps, bloops, punches, tire screeches, and coded messages shared between fellow game players. They chat about everything from fighting game fatalities to rumors of your favorite company finally releasing your favorite game on console. Because after all, the arcade did what game journalists and the internet do now before anyone even knew that there was a need. It got us all together in one place and told us what we needed to know.

You would feed your dollars into the weird little box that would only work about 40% of the time. And if it didn't, there was always a twenty something guy milling about, ready to fulfill the task that the ugly machine had failed at. You could tell him by the half apron that constantly jingled when he walked, and the look of disdain he had when you made eye contact with him, because that meant that he had to work, and the only reason he took the job in the first place was to be around video games. not feed little kids quarters.

You grab your loot and once again look around the area, even though you know exactly what you want to play. So with your head down you slowly saunter toward the wall of people that circle shoulder to shoulder but quietly entranced behind two guys standing in front of a video screen that flashes harder and screams louder than all others around it. There is a fight happening. You have read about this fight, and practiced it yourself a few times in the arcade late at night when no one else was around, but never when it meant something. Your hands start sweating and your heart starts racing as your legs begin to move themselves close enough to get near the machine. Your arm shakes as you stretch out your hand and place a quarter at the base of the screen, next to five others in a line. Then you wait.



Darwin would have you believe that Lan parties and online play would be the natural evolution of the arcade. People say that the arcade never really died, but that with the introduction of these tools we were all were rid of the hopelessly archaic need of "seeing each other" that plagued us in the stone ages of gaming. To this I would only ask that a person one day take the time out to visit any medium or large game company and ask where to find either the "code dungeon," or the "tester pit." Then visit a large Lan party like the one pictured above and walk those dark corridors.In both these places I believe you will see what Ebenezer Scrooge was showed by the ghost of Christmas future. Some fucked up shit.

They are all dark warehouses illuminated by rows and rows of video screens reporting the same images. And next to them sit rows of rows of expressionless kids with faces invisible to the darkness. Not really playing games,just manipulating those images for a response. As long as something, anything happens on screen its ok. It doesn't mean nothing.

Arcades were places of anticipation and excitement because you were under constant audit by your fellow game players. At anytime during play a person could stand next to you, put their money in the machine, and test your skill. And if you won you could look the other person in the eye, say "good game," and have that guy walk away knowing that you beat him in a fair fight. Or you could be a D-berg, just walk away from the machine and allow the peon to finish your round because you were, "bored."

I am sure its all relative, and the future of online play will introduce something to entertain or inspire me enough to forget how much I miss the true social aspect of the games we play. But as of now I feel that technological advancements have taken us from playing the games we play, to constantly De-bugging the games for the companies, prepping them for the next release, patch, etc... We now just sit alone in a room, accountable to no one, accepting challenges from funny 1337 tags with no soul.

Now that the caucuses are in full swing and the frontrunner's to win the whole shebang and shaboodle have shown cracks in their political armor the size of a baby's head, how long do you guys think it will take for the politicians to retreat from issues like foreign policy and immigration to battle on comfortable turf?

This common battleground where everyone has a fighting chance usually ands up being the family values arena, and in this arena Master Chief and Marcus Fenix alike are perpetually tried for murder in the court of public opinion by Politicians that propose to have the best interests of their community, children, their particular faith, and the country in mind. "They are killing hookers in these games for godsakes!" "Murder Simulators." "Manhunt...something...statistic...EVIL!!"

And not to defend their position, but there is always an willing ally, a Benedict Arnold, if you will, in their fight against common common sense and having to address real issues which are vital to the continuation of this Union.

You know him, you may live with him. His is that one semi retarded dude in your gaming circle that embarrasses the hell out of you, but you need him sometimes for co-op achievements. He is the one spewing racist, homophobic, batshit insane hate speech over live, but to you he dismisses it by saying, im not really bad, but I just love "Hearin' these idiots get all pissed off." He was the guy that bragged about body slamming his sister like triple H, stopping the move just short of breaking her neck, while you averted your eyes and feigned interest only long enough to get out of the room.

This is the guy that they are looking for, and I can't say that I blame them. But please, lets all get together and for this election cycle, keep our idiots off of live and anywhere else that they may bring unwanted attention to this ever so small sanctuary that we created for ourselves. Its going to be a great year for games, and I for one want to play them and not talk about them.