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About


I hate mayonnaise.

So yeah, I'm Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon. You know, the guy that always puts out funny/witty comments and quality blogs all the damn time.

Here's some fun info that makes me sound credible: I'm currently a junior studying print journalism and creative writing. I'm also a former journalist for a small publication. Yup, writing's my thing. And garmez.

With that said I love this damn site; even with all the changes here and there. Never have I seen such a great sense of humor on ANY gaming site, which is sad.

Anyway, I've been playing games since before I could walk; Sonic the Hedgehog being the first game I've ever played. I'm a HUGE Mega Man fan, but I'm not the bitchy-complainy type that I keep seeing so much of. The X series is my favorite, hands down.

I'm pretty amalgamative when it comes to gaming genres. I'm a fan of fighting games, jrpg's, platformers, sports, shmups, hack n' slashers, some FPS, etc.

My favorite game so far would have to be Xenogears. That game is deeper than Troy Polamalu's hair. Seriously. It was truly the ultimate story of life, love, and existence.

I also like an occasional anime or two. My favorite of all time is FLCL. What better way to make a show about puberty and sex while poking fun at other anime in just SIX EPISODES right?



Well that was a fun bio wasn't it? Although I fluctuate between my PC, PS3, and 3DS, feel free to hit me up if you're down for a session or two. Don't know my screen name? Scroll down you Bidoof.

See ya Space Cowboy.

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Nope, this ain't about Danquan.

Oh yes, it's finally here. Occams, Gaj, S_Dae, ask and you shall recieve. As for everyone else, sit back, relax, and let Professor HLBC educate you about the ebbs and flows of this wonderful art called rap. Whether you're a fan of the genre or not, take some of your time to hear me out and at least come to an appreciation for what this music is truly capable of. It's no secret that I'm a rap connoisseur. I've been listening to it since I was a toddler, and I have grown to love and appreciate the work that goes behind it, just like any other artform.

I'm going to discuss four different songs from four different rappers, both old and new:

 

  • "Communism" by Common.
    • He is Chicago's oldest and greatest MC. Known for his inspired mix of poetic flow and soul, he's a living legend in the rap community. He's a two time Grammy award winner. Resurrection, Be, and Finding Forever are just a few of his many classic albums.

  • "It Ain't Hard To Tell" by Nas.
    • Hailing from Queensbridge, NY, he's one the East Coast's premier MC's. His 1994 debut album Illmatic is considered as one of the greatest rap albums ever dropped in history.
      Known for his storytelling, imagery, wordplay, and internal & multisyllabic rhyme schemes, he was Jay-Z's greatest rival for several years.

  • "Control (Kendrick's verse)" by Kendrick Lamar.
    • Representing Compton, he's part of the Young Millionare generation of new school rap along with others such as Meek Mills, Tyler the Creator, and Mac Miller. His style, while unique, is similar to Nas and is often dubbed as "Nas of the West Coast". His debut album Section.80 is a rock solid entrypoint and his critically acclaimed sophomore album good kid, m.A.A.d city is considered by many to be an insant classic. His single verse in Big Sean's track "Control" shocked the world and single handedly brought back competition to the rap game today.

  • "Friends" by Mac Miller.
    • Coming from Pittsburgh, he's become one of the leaders of the new school of rap. One of the few self-made rappers of our current generation, he's his own producer (via alter ego Larry Fisherman) and owner of his own label, REMember Music. His latest (eleventh) mixtape Faces is critically acclaimed as one of his best and even succeeding his 2012 sophomore album Watching Movies With The Sound Off.

But before we go any farther, let's get some terminology out of the way, so as to not lose my lovely readers in the jargon. Not all of these will be used, but it's always good to learn something new anyway. Like I always say, if you stay stale you stay behind.

Don't pick the cherry. I hate cherries.

  • Bar: A line that is said until there is a slight pause matched with another line rhyming with it. Rap couldn't function without these.
    • Example: It’s real, grew up in trife life, did times or white lines The hype vice, murderous nighttimes and knife fights invite crimes ("Memory Lane (Sittin' in  Da Park) by Nas)
  • Flow: The rhythmic structure that arises in a rap from the interaction between the rapper’s words and the strictly musical rhythms of those words. Nuf said.
  • Double Entendre: A sentence that has two interpretations. These are rather common, yet difficult to execute. But these are mere child's play compared to its elusive sibling...
    • Example: 95' Air Max cause I'm a dope runner ("Bricks" by Gucci Mane)
      • A dope (good) runner (jogger) and a dope (cocaine) runner (seller)
  • Triple Entendre: A sentence with three interpretations. The Great White Buffalo of Rap. It's extremely difficult to not only come up with, but execute.
    • Example: Only way I begin to G off was drug loot ("C.R.E.A.M." by Wu-Tang Clan)
      • To "get off" (orgasm)
      • Become a G (gangsta)
      • Make G's (thousands)
  • Free Association: The reporting of the first thought that comes to mind in response to a given stimulus (as a word). Easy to use, difficult to master.
    • Example: Man I'm newer than a Jack I went up the hill with Jill And Jack Jill's big bootay ("Communism" by Common)
  • Alliteration: The use of words that begin with the same sound near one another. These are everywhere in rap, and its a fun way to hook your listeners in.
    • Example: My enemies scatter in suicidal situations pockets is packed with presidents pursue your riches. ("If I Die 2nite" by Tupac)

Aaaaaaaand that ought to do it! You are officially ready to handle the sheer magnitude of these four songs. Before we get into the nitty gritty, I'd just like to say that Rap Genius is an amazing tool that allows hip-hop heads to collaborate and decipher lyrics for every rap song in exisitence. I'm only going to touch on some of the techniques that were used because each song has so much content that they deserve a full blog in their own right; which I neither have the time nor energy for.

With that said, LET'S GET OUT THERE AND LEARN SOME SHIT!

You tell em' big boy.

Without further ado, let's introduce our first track, "Communism".

This track comes from Common's 1994 sophomore album, Resurrection. This is one of his classic albums, and while he still maintained his conscious roots, he was more of a gunslinger of a rapper than he is now; which isn't a bad thing. In "Communism" he masterfully blends free association, alliteration, double entendre, switching flows and displays his style change from his previous album, which was.....questionable at best. While the song is only one verse, it's easily his best and arguably one of the greatest of all time. When listening to this track, try not to listen to the words first. Instead, listen to the sounds of the words and how it the flow stays consistent for a few seconds, then switches. After you've got that down, listen again and follow the lyrics. Feel free to click on the bars to see what's going on behind the scenes. You'll always learn something new! As a challenge, try counting how many times you hear "com" without looking at the lyrics.

Did you count 40? If you did, you have some sharp ass ears. Common displays his masterful use of alliteration by using the "com" multiple times and his skillful wordplay of his name Common by using different words; all while sticking to the main concept of the song. Notice how he also occasionally switches his flow. For example, for the first 38 seconds, his flow is very distinct and easy to follow; but after the 40 second mark it switches to a faster and more fluid pace. Amazing isn't it? What makes this track so sick is how Common was able to compound (ha haaa!) so many different lyrical components in just 1 mintute and 30 seconds. There's a reason why Talib Kweli named this as one of his top 25 favorite hip-hop verses of all time.

Next up on our lyrical journey is "It Ain't Hard To Tell".

This track is from Nas's impeccable debut album Illmatic; which is considered by many to be one of, if not the greatest rap album ever dropped in history. After spending the first 9 tracks describing his upbringing in Queensbridge, this final track is all about his love for smoking the ganja. And man, does he do it well. If you listen carefully, you can hear the sample of Michael Jackson's "Human Nature" running in the background. And let me tell you, this track is smoother than a baby's butt. Again, follow along with the lyrics and start jamming!

Please tell me you chuckled in amazement at the first 4 bars. Just look at this slice of lyrical brilliance:

It ain't hard to tell, I excel then prevail
The mic is contacted, I attract clientele
My mic check is life or death, breathing a sniper's breath
I exhale the yellow smoke of buddha through righteous steps

Nas just kills it with his rhyming, free association, and metaphorical use. I mean, who comes up with this shit?! It's genius! He even makes up "magmatize" as his own word in the second verse, "so analyze, surprise me, but can't magmatize me". What he's basically saying  is that no matter what people say or think about him, he'll never change as a person nor as a rapper. Staying true to yourself is a prevalent theme for many great rappers.

Alrighty then, we're halfway done with our journey! We've cleared the old school section, and now we're moving foward to the new age of rap: the Young Millionare generation!

Shut up mayo boy and let me teach!

If you've been following the list, you know what's up next. There's a reason why I chose a verse from Kendrick and not one of his songs. The impact from his verse in "Control" was so massive that the rap game went under cardiac arrest to understand what the fuck just happened. His verse was so vicious, so brutal, and so ill that some radio stations only played Kendrick's verse when "Control" came on. I almost feel bad for Jay Electronica. I mean, how are you supposed to follow this? Listen and try not to vomit from the sickness of this verse. Listen to Kendrick's tone too; he's out for blood.

Sweet Ghandi's tits was that ferocious! But if you're still asking why this verse is so important, allow me to explain why. Kendrick pays respects to the masters of rap, but places himself at the front of his list, then transitions to the current players in the game, calls them out, and challenges them all to take the throne as the greatest, just as he is.

I heard the barbershops be in great debates all the time
Bout who's the best MC? Kendrick, Jigga and Nas
Eminem, Andre 3000, the rest of y'all
New niggas just new niggas, don't get involved
And I ain't rockin' no more designer shit
White T’s and Nike Cortez, this red Corvette's anonymous
I'm usually homeboys with the same niggas I'm rhymin' with
But this is hip-hop and them niggas should know what time it is
And that goes for Jermaine Cole, Big KRIT, Wale
Pusha T, Meek Millz, A$AP Rocky, Drake
Big Sean, Jay Electron', Tyler, Mac Miller
I got love for you all but I'm tryna murder you niggas
Trying to make sure your core fans never heard of you niggas
They don't wanna hear not one more noun or verb from you niggas
What is competition? I'm trying to raise the bar high
Who tryna jump and get it? You're better off trying to skydive

Those 16 lines are the words that truly shook the game to its core. This resulted in many other rappers, not just the ones listed, to reach for greater heights and not settle for stagnation. Mac Miller was one of the few to answer his call; and Faces was his response.

Last, but certainly not least, we have Mac Miller and his hilariously brilliant track "Friends" from his 2014 mixtape, Faces.

"Friends" is one my favorite tracks, mainly because it describes Mac's crazy life in an almost whimsical nature. Rocking the legendary Miles Davis's instrumentals in the background, he calmly takes a sip of his Arnold Palmer before he gets to work. Pay attention to the rhymes; it's almost as if he's freestyling.

Remember when I mentioned Mac answering Kendrick's call? I'm sure you caught that little snippet in the second verse.

In this Game of Thrones, it is known
I got the 4G, L-T-E connection bars
No Control, fuck Ken Lamar (Fuck you Kendrick!)

Let's take a minute to disect the cleverness of these bars. There's a picture of Kendrick wearing a crown, which portrays the obvious. Game of Thrones depicts the current rap game of many contenders fighting for the throne. Kendrick's wearing crown. 4G LTE the fastest and highest quality connection there is; which is how he describe how good his bars are (the notation for that line on Rap Genuis is retarded). The last line is self-explanatory, and ties all of what I just said into just three lines. That's pretty impressive. Keep in mind that this is just a friendly jab; they're both good friends off the court (ha haaa!).

No...more...bars...please...

Phew! Well students, we just covered plenty of ill ass content back there. We learned some new terms, discovered some new artists, and gained an immense amount of knowledge from four different tracks of different styles. I hope I gave you all some perspective about how deep rap truly is. I personally feel that people who dismiss all rap as trash are agonizingly ignorant because they don't at least try to see the significance. Listen to the literary mechanics rappers infuse into their verses. There's free association, alliteration, double--no--even triple metaphors, double entendres, similes, etc. It blows my fucking mind. I love it. Unfortunately there are a plethora of potato rappers that people think are good but only because they have an amazing beat to back up their shitty, dull, uninspired, cookie-cutter, vanilla ass lyrics. I only listen to those who have true skill. Real recognize real; and I hope that after reading this, you will too.

See Ya Space Cowboy.

 


Haters gonna hate.









[No pic/gif intro this time, my friends. I'm back with another blog, but I'm going to do something different. I'm going to give you guys a nice short story to read! After reading Brittany Vincent's lovely prose, I was motivated create my own. But why stop there? Let's get this fever pitch started and see what you guys can do! Consider this an unoffical Blogger's Response call. Write a short story about anything, videogame related or not. It's that simple. I'd love to see what you guys are capable of, so let's get this ball rolling! Here is my short story. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I loved crafting it.]


 

Underneath A Sky So Blue

         The icy wind bit at Ryner’s olive skin. His eyes were stained glass of mosaic red and pink with a pale-green halo. The thick, musty smell of singed hair and gunpowder suffocated his nose as he gazed hopelessly at the wreckage; scraps of sheet metal were hammered through the ground like tombstones. The passenger seats were ripped apart by the shrapnel, now stained wet of blood and ice.

         “All fucking gone,” Ryner said.

         He knew he had to find shelter soon. The blizzard was not letting up, and the wind continued. Gunshots reverberated in the woods.

         “Shit. I knew they were nearby, but not this close,” he said.

         He clenched his fists and dashed towards the trees. His lungs were on fire as he ran through the bitter, frozen forest. The trees’ lifeless limbs towered over him like sentinels, watching his every move. Like icicles, the chilled air consistently gnawed at his skin with its icy jaws. He was tempted to stop and rest for a moment, but he knew better than to give them time. The crunch of powdered ice packed beneath his feet as he ran with his willpower dragging behind him.

         Ryner’s heart lifted when he approached an abandoned house, a dilapidated remnant from a war of years past crutched between two pine trees tapered in ice. He hurried towards the house and shut himself in. He slouched in the corner of the living room. He could smell rotting wood beneath his feet; no less pleasant than the crash site a few miles back. The walls were a pale blue, as if reflecting the white world outside.

         “Jesus, this whole damn forest is a graveyard,” he thought.

         Ryner was shivering in frozen agony as he tried to stay warm. He couldn’t feel his limbs. Breathing was painful. He was scared beyond belief, but was too cold to care. The sliver of life he hung onto was slowly fading until he noticed an old woman in rags sitting across from him.

         Her hair was thin and silver like threads from a spider’s web. Her face was carved with wrinkles and her eyes were shaped like thin, slanted almonds. Without speaking a word, she gingerly extended a cup of what appeared to be hot tea. Ryner slowly crawled with every ounce of strength he had towards her to grab the hot porcelain cup. The faint aroma of apples and flowers graced his nostrils. His heart began to glow as he cautiously took a small sip of the scorching hot tea.

         “Do you still plan on going?” asked the old woman.

         “What?” Ryner replied.

         “Do you still plan on going? You don’t seem happy about this decision.”

         “Decision? Listen, I don’t know what the hell is going on here or what you’re talking about. Our plane was shot down. My crew is dead. All of my notes are destroyed. Those facts are real. This blizzard is real. Those men chasing after me for god knows what, are real. I’m just a journalist. I didn’t ask for any of this shit. I didn’t even want to be here!”

         “So you don’t plan on going?”

         “Look, thank you for the tea and all, but is there any place safe I can go nearby?”

         “Yes. But you have to make a decision first.”

         The old lady slowly extended her long and bony finger, slightly shaking, and pointed at Ryner’s face. For the first time, her eyes opened. The old woman’s eyes were black, with a white iris and a black pupil. Ryner’s stomach churned and his heart palpitated at the sight of her Mephistophelian eyes.

         “Do you plan on going?” the old woman said.

         “I know where I’m going!” Ryner yelled as he bolted out the door and into the forest.

         The old woman gazed upon him through the window as her appearance slowly began to change. Her thin silver hair turned auburn. Her skin became smooth and olive toned. Her face was soft and radiated a beautiful complexion. Her eyes were now pale-green, like Ryner’s.

         “I see now,” the beautiful woman said.

         The door crashed down. The beautiful woman heard the sound of boots thumping against the old wood floors. The gun was beating against the Kevlar vest in a militant fashion. A tall man donned in white from head to toe stood before the beautiful woman. His posture radiated an aura of regality. His face was obscured from his pitch black goggles and facemask. Nothing about his white Kevlar uniform stood out, except for a small crimson tattoo on the front of his helmet. It was a lion of regal stature, standing on its hind legs and roaring with its tongue worming its way out of the beast’s fierce jaws. It was the zodiac of Leo.

         “Did he give you an answer?” asked the man with the Leo tattoo. He had the voice of a leader.

         “I know him very well. I’m sure he’s made up his mind by now.”

         “Which way did he run?”

         “North.”

         “I see. It’s only a matter of time then. I’ll handle it from here.”

         “He’s terrified of you, you know. You shouldn’t be so hard on the boy. He has a huge decision to make.”

         “Indecisiveness is a disease.”

* * *

         Ryner continued north and he eventually discovered a cave carved into a rock face. He ran into the grotto to shelter himself from the sheer cold. It was still cold, but it was a different cold. The cavern itself was much bigger and deeper than Ryner initially thought. The high ceiling and narrow passageway gave off a feeling that the place was more of a makeshift grand hall of greystone. He saw something strange for a cave: a light was flickering at the end of the deep hallway.

         “Hello?” his voice echoed.

         The cave extended deeper into the rock, and soon the entrance resembled a white snowball. Ryner continued to walk deeper into lifeless grand hall, each step braver still. The flickering light became brighter as he neared the end of the greystone cave. The room at the end had nothing but a fluorescent light hanging from the ceiling. The light cut off for a moment, and Ryner rubbed his eyes. When he opened them, what he saw made his legs turn to stone, and his heart drop.

         The man with the Leo tattoo was standing there, his black assault rifle in hand. Ryner turned around, but the passageway was suddenly gone.

         “I’ve been looking all over for you,” the man said. “It’s time for you to wake up.”

         “I…I don’t know wha—,” Ryner panicked. The man with the Leo tattoo shot him twice in the head before he could speak another word.

* * *

       Gasping for air, Ryner shot up out of bed as he stared at his sweaty palms.

         “I know where I’m going…,” he muttered.

         He immediately ran downstairs and into the kitchen, where he saw a familiar figure. A beautiful woman with auburn hair, smooth olive skin, a soft face radiating a beautiful complexion, and pale-green eyes, was making chamomile tea.

         “Mother, I’m turning down the job,” Ryner said with assertiveness. “Being a war correspondent would be too much.”

         Ryner’s mother turned around and extended the cup of tea with a smile.

         “I’m glad you finally made a choice. What happened? Bad dream convince you otherwise?” she laughed.

         “Yeah… I guess you could say that. Everything was so white and grey. I was so scared and miserable.”

         “This world has its fair share of problems, hon. Why be miserable when you could laugh and smile underneath a sky so blue?”

         Ryner slowly took a sip from the hot, white porcelain cup. The aroma of apples and flowers graced his senses as he cracked a smile for the first time. The sun kissed his skin when he gazed out the kitchen window. The sky was a beautiful cerulean hue.

         “I hate snow,” he said. “I really hate snow.”









The look says it all.

I'll cut straight to the chase and say it: Pokemon X/Y is more shallow than a 16 year old girl's self-esteem. Now some of you may have gasped at that sentence while arguing, "How the hell is it shallow?! X/Y has so much to offer!" Fine, let me level with everyone for a sec.
Yes, it's in 3D *coughpokemonstadiumcough*.
Yes, there's a new continent to explore.
Yes, there are new gym leaders to crush.
Yes, there are new mechanics.
And yes, they added a few new Pokemon to the roster.
Oh and did I forget to mention the dark storyline? Well shit, put all of that together and you got yourself a promising Gen VI right?

The first 3 weeks of playing X/Y.

After 3 weeks of playing X/Y. Yes, I am Ryan Gosling.

And then you beat it.
Now what? Battle Maison? More like Broken Maison. Trade online? You better have a legendary for that. Fill your Dex? Pokebank solved that problem. The post game is almost non-existent; and don't even mention Looker's stupid ass side quest. Seriously, it's that bad. Whatever happened to having rich post game content? This has been a topic that some (including myself) have briefly mentioned on Pokemon related articles on Destructoid lately now that Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire have been slated for release this fall. Don't get me wrong, X/Y are good games for what they are, but they could have been SO much better. How so? By offering more post game content; and that's what I'm truly hoping for with OR/AS. If Gen III could offer more content than Gen VI did, then OR/AS better be fatter than an Atlanta stripper's ass. To better understand the sheer amount of content Gen III had for its time, let's jump back 11 years ago when Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire came out.

I hate Doctor Who.

Holy balls, it's 2003! Outkast was the musical king! iTunes was born! Bubb Rubb made the whistles go WOOOOOO! But who gives a flying fish about that, Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire just came out! Brand new Pokemon! New lands to explore! Build your own secret hideout! Weather mechanics! Flannery! New moves! New gym leaders! Flannery! Badass legendary Pokemon! Flannery! Holy Miltank, Batman: this game has a lot to offer!

Elesa ain't got shit on this.

For starters, the Hoenn region was a very diverse and expansive environment despite being 60% water. Sure there was a lot of surfing to do, but there were deserts, volcanic areas, actual underwater segments (I'm looking at you B/W 2), forests, tropical villages, Sootopolis City (Coolest. City. Ever.), and the Pokemon League was its own fucking island. Not to mention the plethora of secret hideouts you could make if one of your Pokemon knew Secret Power. And if you went to the secret Pokemart Roof Sale at Lilycove City, you could buy boards to cover up those stupid holes! Moving to new areas and creating new hideouts were a lot of fun to do in post game. How about Sky Pillar, where the third legendary Pokemon is secretly located? You better master your mach bike skills to have a prayer of reaching the top; not to mention surviving by the skin of your Bonslys against Rayquaza. Diverse environment? Check.

Okay, what about hunting legendary Pokemon? Well Gen III has you covered there too. Let's go ahead and start with the coolest legendary of all time.

Am I doing it right?

LOOK AT THAT MAJESTIC SON OF A BITCH! As you can see, Kyogre (the Sea Basin Pokemon), is based off an Orca. Orcas are cool as fuck. Not only can this denizen of the deep summon an endless rainstorm and raise sea levels to unimaginable heights, it looks cool doing it. Okay, so maybe water isn't your thing. There's always Groudon, but Kyogre is cooler so let's stop talking about a dry dinosaur. But what about the legendary trio? Let's just say they're hard. Real hard. They're so hard they make Bruce Willis die soft. Eh, you're still shaking your head aren't you. Well let me ask you a question: What happens when Regis Philbin has a menage with a boulder, a block of ice, and a steel ingot? You get three legendary Pokemon that are so hard that I get hard just thinking about it. Regirock, Regice, and Registeel. And they're all hidden away in what is the most cryptic fashion in Pokemon history. But wait, there's more! We forgot to mention three more legendary Pokemon (and they're OP as fuck): Latios, Latias, and Deoxys. Latios and Latias are both extremely fast Dragon/Psychic Pokemon that love to run away......a lot. Deoxys is the (tentacle rape monster) alien virus Pokemon that can change into three different forms: Attack, Defense, and Speed. Don't forget that the last three I mentioned could only be attained by attending special Nintendo events. Well I'll be! A video game forcing you to get out and attend social events unlike X/Y; which encourages hermitism (I just made up an new word, bitches like new words). Badass legendary Pokemon? Check.

Well what about the normal Pokemon? Well don't you worry mi amigo, because GameFreak 03' just decided to cram 135 new Pokemon in your pants! I'm no calculus professor but that's a lot of Pokemon to catch. Let's look at Gen VI since, you know, technology has advanced 11 fucking years and we get.........70. *sigh* Massive amount of new Pokemon? Check.

I'm not even going to bother explaining the disparity there.

Alright, but what about battling? Two words: Battle Frontier. That's right, I said frontier. A mansion? Bitch please. Broken Maison wishes it was half as awesome. So what is Battle Frontier? It's a giant island with seven different battle arenas. SEVEN.

I hate Disneyland.

Count those buildings you Bidoof. Did you get seven? Good. No? Go stuff your face with carrots. Why are there seven different arenas? Well for seven different approaches to battling of course! Allow me to break them down piece by piece.

The Battle Tower: Bigger, Longer, Stronger.

The Battle Tower is the most basic of the seven. It's basically like Broken Maison except......not broken.

The Battle Palace: Ash's Pikachu mode.

The Battle Palace is where Pokemon battle on their own without any commands from their trainers. Your Pokemon battle according to their nature, which can fluctuate depending on the damage they're taking. Also the moves your Pokemon use will be completely different depending on their nature too. Pretty balls to the wall eh?

The Battle Factory: Rent to win.

The Battle Factory is basically the Battle Tent in Slateport City, except much harder.

The Battle Pyramid: Demon's Souls mode

The Battle Pyramid is absolutely insane. It's basically a 7-floor pitch black dungeon, but here's the kicker: you can't bring any items into the building, you can only use the items that you find inside, and the floor only lights up by defeating opponents. Oh yeah, there's also wild Pokemon waiting to chomp on your Bonslys.

The Battle Dome: Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitch.

Ah, the Battle Dome. It's a massive 16-trainer tournament with a slight twist: Before each battle, you can see what Pokemon your opponents are using, their fighting style, and how they train. You can also find who got their ass kicked by checking the bracket. Pretty nifty. All it needs is Randy Savage as a commentator, but he's dead. Bummer.

The Battle Arena: The 36th Chamber of The Shaolin Chungus.

You know, with the layout of this place, you seriously would've thought they'd name it The Battle Dojo. On to more important things, this lovely place showcases team based battles (2v2) with judges scoring on how well you perform in three categories: Mind, Skill, and Body. Yeah, they just went Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles philosophy on your ass. So it's basically 2v2 for three rounds, and if both Pokemon last all three, you get rated based on those three aspects. The higher score wins. If there's a tie, the judge says you both suck and kicks both trainers out. If you knock your opponent's ass out via TKO, it's an automatic win. Pretty badass. Makes me want to watch Bloodsport.

The Battle Pike: Totally not an 18th hole course in mini golf.

Last but not least, the Battle Pike. It's a pretty weird arena in that the layout is confusing. There are 21 rooms via seven sets of three. I'm no herpetologist but I'm pretty sure a snake's insides aren't that roomy. Anyway, it's basically an "event" arena in that whatever set you choose to walk through, any of these eight events will happen: single battle, double battle, single battle + healing, wild Pokemon, no event, status effect, 1 or 2 recovery, and full recovery. Phew! That's a pretty crazy ride. I only have one question though: Since you entered through the mouth, if you win, do you exit though the bu.....actually, never mind. I don't want to know.

That wraps it up for battling. Broken Maison really sucks now right? Told ya. Here's the best part: you will never have to face broken AI like a Walrein with 100% accurate Sheer Cold. So not only do you get to battle tough trainers, but also in seven different fun and exciting formats! And it's all in one place! You can't beat that value! Battling variety? Check.

Alrighty then, time to jump back to our present era.

Wait, this isn't time jumping! Or is it...?

Holy Shroomish, I just covered a whole lot of ground back there. Let's do a quick recap on why Gen III had so much more content than Gen VI.
Diverse environment, check.
Badass legendary Pokemon, check.
Massive amount of new Pokemon, check.
Battling variety, check.
Flannery, check check check.

I just gave you five damned good reasons. Quit your bitchin. Now that Gen III is getting the modern treatment, I seriously hope that OR/AS will be just as robust as it once was 11 years ago. When you look at what X/Y has for regular and post game content in comparison to R/S/E, it's sad. You'd think X/Y would just bust the doors down and smack you in the face with the all the hype it had. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed X/Y for what it was, but it could've been so much more.

And that's why hindsight is always 20/20.

See ya Space Cowboy.

[Note: "Hindsight Is Always 20/20" is my new blog series that I'm starting up. Yes, I finally brainstormed an excellent idea after two months. The concept is that I take a retrospective look at certain games, old and modern, and see how they shape up after I've played them. If the game is a series, I'll compare and contrast the iterations of my choosing. This is only the beginning, mi amigos. Tonight, the C-Blogs. Tomorrow, THE WORLD!!!!!]

Gen III Music: "YEA BUT DEM TRUMPETS DOE!" edition.








Bitches.

You read that correctly. I'M FINALLY BACK TO WRITING BLOGS AGAIN!

It's been almost a year since my last blog, and a lot has happened since then. Why have I been gone from the C-blogs for so long? Put it like this: When you're trying to balance between school, work, social life and writing for a college publication you won't  have time for writing about the things you love. ESPECIALLY when you're writing for a newspaper. But hey, at least I got an above-the-fold front page article!
Journalistic Masturbation

I was even able to sneak in Destructoid at one point; although I chose to stand for Adblock in this viewpoint article. Sorry Niero!
DTOID REPRESENT!

Well, now you guys have seen my name and my handsome ass face (psst, dude on the left). I've written a ton of articles in my time there. Some were pretty good while some were kind of half-assed (deadline night can sometimes make you lazy); but hey, at least I got enough practice for my journalism career. So yeah, that's what was gobbling up most of my time. Another major reason why I stopped writing C-blogs for so long is because I ran out of ideas; and over time I got lazy about writing new ones. The thing is, I put A LOT of effort into my blogs. If I don't give it my all, there's no fucking point in doing it in the first place.

Anyway, this is more of a shortblog to let you guys know that I'M BACK! I'm already brainstorming new topics to write and discuss about with you guys, so keep your dongs perked in the meantime!

See ya Space Cowboy.

It's good to be back.








Fucking BADASS

What? Were you expecting a .GIF up there like you always do when you read my blogs? Tough titties, chief. I'm breaking my tradition of .GIF intros this time. Why? Cause Gliscor don't need no fancy ass .GIF for a motherfucking intro! I'm gonna tell you why Gliscor is CLEARLY the best Pokemon ever!

1. He gives no fucks.
Just LOOK AT HIM! Does he look like he gives a fuck? The answer to that riddle....is no. Oh yeah, he's flipping you off.


2. He's a flying scorpion. Flying scorpions are cool as fuck.
A bug with balls on its forehead? LAME. Gliscor has two big ass pincers that will chop your damn balls off! He can fly at night and fuck up anyone who is unlucky enough to bump into this badass. Did I forget to mention he's metal as fuck too?


3. He's a Ground/Flying type. Wait...how is that even possible?
Bug/Grass? More like Yuk/Ass. Sewaddle gets boned from so many weaknesses because it's a little bitch. Gliscor's typing makes him nearly indestructible. What's that? You're gonna use electric moves? No effect DUMBASS. Gliscor's only major weakness is ice; but let's face it, you won't use an ice type Pokemon because those are for pussies.


4. He's the best actor in Pokemon, PERIOD.
Just look at his Oscar winning performance you Bidoof.


5. He has the biggest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom.
You read that correctly. That ain't no tail, that's his dick. His schlong can sting people, can hang from trees, can bounce on it, and he can even SIT ON IT. Can you sit or bounce on your baloney pony? I didn't think so. Sewaddle's deep-v diver pales in comparison to Gliscor's ramburglar (yep, I just used five different names for penis; bitches like different names for penis). What's that? You want proof that he can stand on his Bob Dole (make it six)? Here's your proof:


So as you can see, according to my scholarly research, the evidence here proves that Gliscor is CLEARLY better than Sewaddle--or any Pokemon for that matter!

"Well holy fuckballs Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon! Is there any other Pokemon that comes close to Gliscor?!"

Unfortunately my dear reader, there is. The only Pokemon that could possibly give this badass a run for his money is...............................................


MAGIKARP! SOLID GOLD MOTHERFUCKER!


See ya Space Cowboy.

"The Rainbow Pokemon" by EraserRain18








I've hit my Limit Break with this shit.


Well, if you haven't seen the comment I made on Andy's blogger's response call, allow me to refresh your memory:

"I'll be honest: I am sick to DEATH of this topic. For the most part, this is all I ever hear about on campus, in the news, and on every game site. Nobody gave two shits about Bioshock's "violence" when it came out years ago. But NOW it's important. NOW it's something that has to be discussed. It's ridiculous. More gore or not, it really doesn't do anything to us except possibly altering our decision of buying the game due to our own unique tastes."

I'll get to the Penn and Teller part later.

Anyway, is this entire "issue" (yeah I put quotations on that; bitches like quotations) even relevant to our everyday lives? I'm a big picture guy, and "issues" like these do nothing but detract us from the real issues that are happening in the gaming industry--let alone the world! What makes this even more ridiculous is that when Bioshock came out six years ago, no one cared about it's violent content AT ALL. It received nothing but praise worldwide. But because of recent incidents and the media's overblown coverage of it, many people are considering the question, "Are video game become to violent?" an "issue". I'm a journalist and even I will call the media out on this bullshit. Yeah, it's that sad. So is there really anything to fear from this "issue"?

HELL NO. The only issue this "issue" brings up for us is whether or not we will buy a particular game because of it's content; in this case, gore or candy canes. But it doesn't really matter, because we are all unique individuals with different tastes. I'm not too big on blood and gore, but that doesn't mean I'm going to complain about it or judge someone because of their preference. I fucking LOVE subjectivity; I'm a writer for crying out loud! So I embrace different opinions and new ideas with a passion.

"Only through others can we discover new ways to be ourselves."


But when it comes to "issues" like these, you know, the ones that have been discussed to death about and carry no weight to them, I just don't want to hear it. In other words, shut up and by the game or just walk away. It's that simple. Don't you hate it when you're looking at a game you're thinking about buying, and some random person scolds you for it? This brings me to my next point:

Oh wait, there isn't one. Why? Because I won't even bother explaining about how there is no correlation between violence and video games. But if your curiosity is tickled that much, I'll embed a great episode from Penn & Teller's show, "Bullshit", that explains it better than anyone else can. Sorry Jim Sterling, but these guys can do magic man. Fucking MAGIC!



I honestly hope that episode didn't surprise you. Sure the video is totally dated (2006 I think?), but the argument against anti-violent video games is timeless. I mean, my younger plays Black Ops 2 more than a #Swag #YOLO #CaliSmoke #IHaveABigDick dude-bro, but that doesn't mean he's going to grow up and become a murderer. The same argument goes for the other end of the spectrum. I play lots of JRPG's, fighting games, and I watch an occasional anime once every blue moon; but that doesn't mean I'm a salty basement dwelling weeabo (or however you spell that). Fallacies such as False Cause and Slippery Slope unfortunately exist in the media thanks to incompetent editors and media figures. And as a result, "issues" such as video games being too "violent" pop up like like herpes all over the internet (bitches don't like herpes).

My point is this: We're all adults here (except for the Blu-Cigs guy), so just shut up and buy the damn game or not.

So can we all get back to typing C-Blogs about awesome things please? I'd much rather read about why Gliscor has the biggest and strongest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom, or why Bomberman Fantasy Race is like, the best racing game EVER!

See ya Space Cowboy.

Gliscor's penis can hang from fucking trees, man. TREES!