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Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon's blog

1:32 PM on 07.27.2015

It's never too late to get your cherry con popped.

Comic-Con security be like...

In case you haven't heard from some of the comments I made in the FP or Outer Heaven, I'll go ahead and fill you in on it now: I WENT TO MY FIRST COMIC-CON!

And holy shit was Space City Comic-Con amazing. My boss from my radio station job gave my best friend two tickets to attend the event, so her and I planned on going! We were going to cosplay and everything, but unfortunately she had to work that Friday, so I ended up taking my Con expert cousin with me instead. I'd rather have her with me to show me the ropes than just go there by myself after all. Oh yeah, I hope y'all like pics, because I'm about to stuff y'alls retinas with them! First off, let start with some pretty rad cosplayers I saw.

Wrenchfarm's wet dream.

These are so hard to find these days; and when I saw this, I immediately thought of Nic Rowen. I was surprised to see this thing was functional and running at 60fps.... with people lining up for this! I decided to save my money for other things, but I'll get to that later.

Two huge cocks.

Hotline Miami. Cocks. What more could you ask for?! I told him his cock had the biggest head I've ever seen. I got a good laugh out of that. Cosplay!

Femme Fatales

Who wouldn't take a pic with Zero Suit Samus? I wonder how many guys have used the "Hey, wanna Smash?" pick up line on her. They were realy nice people. Oh by the way, that gun Elizabeth is holding actually functions! It was so cool!


What's more American than the flag itself? Fucking Iron Man and Boba Fett posing along with it. I got a fist bump from Boba. It was pretty dope.

I hope y'all enjoyed that section, because now it's time to show y'all what I got. If there's one truth I realized real fast, it's that Comic-Cons are just huge marketplaces for gaming/comic memorabilia for the most part. Good thing that day was payday for me, because some of the stuff wasn't cheap. ESPECIALLY THE FOOD. Which segways perfectly to this:

I shit you not, this costed me $10.

This was the worst part about Space City Comic-Con. Fuck you NRG Center, fuck you. With that out of the way, let's move onto the cool stuff!!!

Signed prints of Zero and Megaman X.

Y'all know how much of a X series nut I am, so when I saw this hanging on the artist's wall, I just had to have them. $10 a piece wasn't a bad deal either. These are getting framed and put up in my apartment for sure.

Hand painted and signed acrylic Cowboy Bebop piece.

HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGHHHHHH!!!!!! Totally worth $20. I'm still trying to figure out what kind of frame I'd want for this though. I'm leaning towards minimalist frames for all of my pieces, but I'm not sure yet. Damn this piece is so sexy...

But while those pieces are great, nothing comes in comparison to my pride and joy:

Hand drawn, watercolored, and signed commission of yours truly.

So...beautiful... Jose Fernandez was the artist by the way. He and his wife are the sweetest and nicest people I've ever met. Jose worked on that for almost two hours. I'm framing and saving this amazing piece of work for life.

Just look at him go!

Jose and his wife have been at this since last year's Comicpalooza at the George R. Brown Convention Center in Houston. He also has his own website where he posts all of his work on. Be a pal and please check his stuff out. He is absolutely amazing.

Coolest guy ever!

It's funny how life works out. I'm Mexican/Puerto-Rican, and Jose's Puerto-Rican while his wife is Mexican! What are the odds?! They were both huge Smash/Nintendo fans and really fun to talk to. The next con I go to, I'm going to look for him. And if y'all are reading this, thanks Jose and Michelle! Y'all were phenomenal!

Enjoyed the art? Awesome! Now it's time for novelty items!

Oh so sexy.

See, I work my summer job at Sunglass Hut, which means I have to dress really nice from head to toe. So you know, ties are a dire necessary. But I got tired of wearing the same boring ties to work, so I saw these and snagged them! I'm already a damn good salesman, but maybe these fun ties will skyrocket my sales even more! I'm going to wear the Donkey Kong tie to work today.


This shirt was genius. One of my favorite pokemon combined with my favorite Dragonball Z reference?! SOLD!

Premature combustion.

Oh c'mon. Like I'd seriously pass this amazing T-shirt? It's perfect in so many ways.


Did I mention I always wanted to get into model kits at one point? Well, now you know. I decided to start small with an SD Lightning Gundam model to get a feel for what the more complicated models are like. Totally worth it!!! I also got my best friend a couple of gifts for her since she couldn't make it. Why? Because that's the kind of guy I am.

Piss her off and she'll burn your nalgas.

She was and still is a huge Sailor Moon fan, with Mars being her favorite, so I had to get this for her! It was the only Sailor Mars chibi plush they had left too.

It's worth Charmillion dollars! Okay...

I remember my friend wanted a new decal for her car or laptop, so I saw this and jumped on the opportunity! Her favorite pokemon was Charmander, so I decided to 1-Up that and give her all three! This thing is so dope...

Comic-Con was so much fun and I can't wait to go to another one in the near future. Next time I'm going to cosplay as Tohru Adachi. But hey, I'm always open for reasonable suggestions. What would y'all think I'd look good as? Anyway, if you haven't gone to a Con yet, GO. You are seriously missing out. Just make sure you have some cash on you and eat before you go. The food there is not cheap.

See you Space Cowboy.


Charmillionare! Okay...


5:12 PM on 05.20.2015

I ain't dead yet! HLBC update + AMA!

[color=red]"I never cared about upvotes, and I don't recall ever calling myself a great blogger. I have always only blogged for the community. I won't hesitate... If an idea appears in front of me, I will write it!"[/color]
[color=blue]--Me, just now.[/color]

Sweet Ghandi's tits it's been a while since my last blog; let alone since I was regularly commenting on the site. The thing is, since the beginning of January my life started to get pretty damn busy. Life can just smack your dick out of nowhere and next thing you know you're being asked to shoulder tackle the great wall of China. Trying to juggle between finances, workouts, classes, DJ shifts, managing music assets for a radio station, announcing for boxing venues, managing a social life, and my Dtoid blogging/commenting hobby isn't easy by any means. You're gonna drop some balls along the way, and I noticed this site was one of them. Honestly, I feel pretty bad about that. I've stuck with this site for a long time despite the flux and flows of the community members and staff. Communities are built with revolving doors for a reason, and I'm glad to see some new faces emerging from lurker status as well as some old ones returning from hiatus.
But let's be real here:

Y'all know I shouldn't have left you without a dope C-Blog to step to!

Before I go any further, let me set the mood with the finest Nujabes instrumental there is. Gaj, this one's for you buddy.

This track is cooler than Freddie Jackson sippin' a milkshake in a snowstorm.

So where the fuck have I been? Well, for the past few months I've met some amazing new friends who've I've been hanging out with a lot lately. Although I've slumped for the past two weeks, I was working out almost everyday for the past five months, and my trainer/best friend was no joke. I decided to make a change for myself and started getting more active and eating better. I was also managing music assets as a production assistant for 90.5 "The Kat" KHSU, which is the campus radio station for Sam Houston State. Basically my job was recieving promo CD's from different record companies (free music is awesome) to put on the air. It's a pretty cool process on how it works! I check the CD's for what songs would be good to play, burn and ingest them into the campus Google server database, then organize the ingested song files and sort them to their different genres for both English and Spanish stations. It's a tedious and time consuming process, but I enjoy it. I also had to use TLC (Trim Label Convert) software to record the intro (when the singing actually starts) and the end of music (when the singing actually ends). The reason for trimming the music like this is because those extra seconds leftover are used for the DJ to segway into the next track. I'd then have to log the artist, song name, CD ID number, and the intro/EOM (end of music) into a logbook for record keeping.

Speaking of radio DJ's, I was also one for the past six months! I was DJ Cbizzle for 90.5 HD2 "El Gato". Holy shit that was a lot of fun. Here's the promo I had to make for myself. Be warned, I sound like a completely different person when my Spanish radio persona kicks in. Ugh, now I want elote. Don't know what elote is? Look it up, you're seriously missing out.

Shade has his Dutch. I has my Spanish.

Now that all of that personal stuff is out of the way, I'd like to give the tip of my hat to the community for this super smooth blog editor! It's like sex for my fingers. Remember three years ago when blog formatting and image embeds took actual skill and knowledge? The C-Blogs have come a really long way since then. I'll be whipping up a bigger blog with more length and girth in the near future, so keep your eyes peeled in the meantime!

Wait. Did I type AMA in the blog title? Yes I did. I'm down like four flat tires. Let's do this. So go ahead. Ask me anything. You know you want to you dirty sexy dickmongering inquisitive animals.

See you Space Cowboy.

"Cold Case" by Bumbazzle


12:24 AM on 12.13.2014

A Memoir for my Hall of Fame Team


This is old news, but I recently beat Omega Ruby two weeks ago. The game itself was pretty amazing and met almost all of my expectations, but that's a blog for another time. What I'm writing today is a fictitious memoir; or a show of thanks for the six Pokemon that stuck with me from the very beginning. I will always cherish this diverse and dynamic group. Raising them with love and care was worthwhile, and seeing them being honored in the Hall of Fame and credits made me feel proud.

I want to mention this too before I continue: these Pokemon are not meant for competitive play, so please be kind and keep any snide comments to yourself.

Anyway, these guys helped me surpass Norman, defeat Team Magma, save the world, subdue multiple legendaries, help Wally grow stronger, beat all of the gym leaders, and came out victorious against the Ever Grande Pokemon League. Some may say this stuff is silly and unnecessary, but I like having my own personal story with my companions. Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, because it's...

These six pokemon will be listed in reverse order. I love them all equally, but I'm going to list them from impactful to most impactful. Without further adieu, here's my Hall of Fame team!


 * * *

6. Robin
(Lv. 5-65, met at Route 104)

Robin, you really took me for a surprise for a Normal/Flying type bird Pokemon. You proved to me that you were much more than just a Fly slave by showing your mettle in battle. It blew my mind that you knew Brave Bird at a mere level 5! I knew right then and there that you were special, and that the sky was no limit for us. Remember how you single handedly trashed Brawly when you Brave Birded the shit out of Makuhita? Bulk Up wasn't enough to stop your determination! Or how about that time when Flannery(!)'s Torkoal burned you? Your Guts shot your attack stat through the roof and eviscerated him with Wing Attack! Thanks for taking my team all over the place before I got the Eon Flute; it allowed you to show your love for us by replacing Fly with Return! Your true shining moment came when you outlasted Glacia when you used Brave Bird for the final hit against her Glalie. "Not very effective" my ass, you're the reason we faced off against Drake! You and Etna are such good teammates on the field too! Y'all's unrelenting assult from the ground and the air steamrolled any competition that came y'all's way! The gameplan was always simple: Etna would shake the ground with Earthquake and then you'd finish the job without taking any damage. It was truly a sight to see.

Thank you, Robin. You proved that big things do come in small packages.

Memory Girl reading: Robin encountered Cobalion when it was with Christian. The Pokemon fondly remembers that its feelings were indescribable.

Robin's stats:
Nature: Hardy
Ability: Guts
HP: 180
Attack: 139
Defense: 105
Sp. Atk: 90
Sp. Def: 90
Speed: 187


5. Emeralda ♀
(Lv. 3-65, met at Route 102)

Emeralda, I remember running into you by accident when I first began my journey; but I quickly realized that it wasn't. You were quite frail, but your raw special power was more than enough to help you hold your own as my premier "mage". I remember training you at Route 104 when you were just a Ralts and you were struggling against Winston's annoying ass Zigzagoon. You've come a long way since those humble times. I never saw the need to Mega Evolve you because I thought you were powerful enough on your own. Remy was your best teammate. Your calm collevtiveness combined with her tenacity got me out of more trouble with Team Magma than I could count. You were always such a sweetheart too. You pulled through in the most crucial moments, like the battle against Winona's Skarmory. You were at a severe disadvantage but you never gave up, always holding on to that last sliver of hit points because you wanted to show how tough you were to me. Finishing her prized Skarmory off with Draining Kiss proved that you were tough as nails underneath your elegant exterior.

There is one thing that I will never forget: your battle against Wally's Gallade. I remember you wanting to face off against your counterpart to prove that you were just as powerful as he was without a Mega Evolution; and you did. You showed your prowess in that sunlit field of spider lilies.

Thank you, Emeralda. It's because of you that I firmly believe that beauty is tougher than a steel wall.

P.S. Don't search your species' name on Google. Your retinas will be scarred for life. Also, don't listen to anything Jawsh, Dreamweaver, or Gaj says! You'll be coerced to do...things.

Memory Girl reading: Emeralda battled at Christian's side and beat Linoone. The Pokemon fondly remembers that it got overwhelmed by emotion.

Emeralda's stats:
Nature: Rash
Ability: Synchronize
HP: 192
Attack: 109
Defense: 104
Sp. Atk: 217
Sp. Def: 154
Speed: 130


4. Remy ♀
(Lv. 5-66, met at Route 101)

Remy, you truly are something special. You're the first hidden Pokemon I ever caught when May was right there next to me! Who would've thought that you knew Thunder Fang, a move that your species can't even learn, right away at level 5! You were always so eager for battle; ready to tear any apponent apart with your vicious fangs. You always gave Team Magma a run for their money, proving that you truly were the mightiest of all Mightyenas (and there were a lot of them). And whenever you teamed up with Emeralda, good lord was that a terrifying combination! You always defended her from deadly attacks and still had enough strength left to Crunch your opponents to oblivion. It's funny how you two are the only females on the team and the best of friends! Y'all are definitely BFF's.

I'll never forget when you outshone Sidney's own Mightyena and single handedly destroyed Phoebe's Pokemon in the Pokemon League. Remember when you had a tough time against Brawly's Makuhita and Robin had to save you? Don't let that experience ever get you down; your Thunder Fang did enough damage to let Robin finish it off with Brave Bird without taking too much recoil damage! You may look intimidating to others, but I know how to sneak past that facade by scratching your ears just how you like it. I'm glad I can always rely on your strength.

Thanks, Remy. You'll always be my favorite fuzzball!

Memory Girl reading: Remy planted Chople Berries with Christian and imagined a big harvest. The Pokemon fondly remembers that it was glad.

Remy's stats:
Nature: Mild
Ability: Intimidate
HP: 180
Attack: 159
Defense: 101
Sp. Atk: 107
Sp. Def: 111
Speed: 133


3. Hae Ryong ♂
(Lv. 10-65, fished at Slateport City)

Do you know why I named you Hae Ryong? Because it means "sea dragon"! The language comes from an ancient legend where dragons were worshipped as gods in several different aspects. Your best friend was named similarly for that reason too. I believe the tale was from...Breath of Fire: Book IV! I don't care what the Pokedex says about your species' typing; you'll always be a true dragon in my eyes.

Fishing you out with an Old Rod near Slateport's loading dock and raising you with love and care was worth it. Raising you wasn't easy when you were a Magikarp, but you knew you were much more capable than what the Pokedex description said about you. What jerk wrote that stuff anyway?! But you never cared about what others thought about your species. You only cared about growing stronger with me and fought to protect our team from all harm. I never stopped believing in you and your potential, and I'm glad you repayed me in dividends when you finally evolved into the mighty king of the seas, Gyarados
. That was when you took off and soared to heights you never thought were imaginable. I'll never forget the time when you and Cho Ryong both wrecked Liza & Tate's shit in one turn. That battle lasted less than a minute! Remember when we surfed all over the world and explored the ocean floor together? Wasn't that amazing?! That one Corsola that stopped to look at you was pretty funny. Your raw physical power was absolutely amazing to watch in battle. Whether it was using Dragon Rage or Waterfall, you washed away your opponents and made them swim in their own tears of defeat!

But the one memory that stuck out to me the most was your brutal match against Drake and his Salamence. Your ultimate rival was right there brimming with Draconic power, but you never gave an inch. Even when he would relentlessly torture you with Thunder Fang for 4x the damage, you refused to be knocked out. You refused to be paralyzed. You wanted to see my, no-our goal to come to fruition, and you would let nothing stand in our way from that happening. With almost no health left, you concentrated with all of your willpower and finished him off with Dragon Rage to help realize our dream. Words cannot express my undying gratitude for your heart and preserverence.

Thank you, Hae Ryong. You are a true sea dragon

Memory Girl reading: Hae Ryong soared through the sky with Christian and went to many different places. The Pokemon fondly remembers that it felt comfortable.

Hae Ryong's stats:
Nature: Hasty
Ability: Intimidate
HP: 218
Attack: 196
Defense: 107
Sp. Atk: 113
Sp. Def: 157
Speed: 159


2. Etna ♂
(Lv. 16-67, met at Route 112)

Etna, ho boy you really are something else. You were always so eager to grow strong, and the funny thing is that you did. You're right behind Cho Ryong as the second highest level Pokemon, even surpassing Hae Ryong in the process! Your battle prowess was frightening to see, especially when you used Earthquake and Erpution. You knew you were the slowest of the group, but you never stopped yourself from growing stronger faster at such a phenomenal rate. You loved exploring new places too. Remember Sea Mauville and how fascinating it was? Spiritomb scared the crap out of you at first but you helped me bust that ghost! You and Robin were an amazing dynamic duo, striking fear into the hearts of opponents from land and air. Remember when you faced off against Maxie's own Camerupt and won? He was no match for you and Earth Power at all! Remember when you Mega Evolved for the first time? That surge of power flowing through you...our minds synched and hearts beating as one... It was truly a sight to behold. You and Cho Ryong were the only ones I gave Mega Stones to for a reason. I'm glad I trusted you with that honor.

But if there's one thing that I will never forget, it was your final stand against Steven's Mega Evolved Metagross. Etna... it was because of you and your never ending quest for strength that I finally became a Pokemon champion. Even though you were Mega Evolved too, Mega Metagross kept hammering you repeatedly with Meteor Mash, and it was taking a huge toll on you. You were the last Pokemon left who could handle the brunt of its fierce onslaught. You used Eruption for the 2x damage, but he was too fast and kept attacking you first, which meant your attack did much less damage than normal. You were down to 8 hit points, I had no potions left, and he had the speed advantage. He attacked with Meteor Mash, but your rock solid fortitude and fiery rage of 1,000 white hot suns refused to give up and you held onto that very last sliver of life. Right then and there, with a mighty roar powerful enough to shake the heavens, you unleashed the last of Eruption's power to finish Steven off for good. We wouldn't be champions without you.

Thank you, Etna. Your relentless pursuit of true might paid off in the end. You truly are The World's Strongest.

Memory Girl reading: Etna soared through the sky with Christian and went to many different places. The Pokemon still remembers that it felt nostalgic.

Etna's stats:
Nature: Serious
Ability: Solid Rock
HP: 201
Attack: 181
Defense: 114
Sp. Atk: 174
Sp. Def: 120
Speed: 77


1. Cho Ryong ♂
(Lv. 5-69, met at Route 101)

Cho You were the one who started it all. We have accomplished so much together, from saving Sycamore's ass to the entire plantet's...ass. Your cool demeanor always kept the entire team in check, no matter the situation. There's a reason why I named you Cho Ryong; because you were destined to be the Grass Dragon you always were deep inside. You will always be the leader of this team, Cho. You were the rock of our party, and you consistently proved that Grass type Pokemon were a force to be reckoned with. The quality I like most about you is your ability to rely on others when things get tough for you instead of tackling it on your own; especially with Hae Ryong. You trust your friends. But most of all, you trust me. Thanks for deciding to stay in the box for awhile when I had to train the rest of our crew to get to your level. Etna couldn't wait to show off his strength to you! Being seperated from you was painful at first, but you were always with me in spirit, so I never allowed it to get me down for long. You would've done the same thing if it were the other way around, because you always thought about the team's condition and believed in them. You trusted your friends. But most of all you trusted me, and that's something I will always cherish.

You've done more for me than I could ever ask for in return. You saved my life when Primal Groudon's wrath was unleashed upon the world (Grass Knot was genius). You showed your fortitude against Maxie's Mega Camerupt and stopped Team Magma in the process. You surpassed Norman's expectations, and he recognized me as a fully fledged trainer as a result. You showed Zinnia's Mega Salamence that your Dual Chop was the best in the business. You stood up to Rayquaza and made it recognize our combined strength to help us save the planet. But more than anything, you helped me grow strong not only as a trainer, but as a person.

And the memories, dear lord the memories of our travels together...I couldn't count them all if I tried. Remember when we saved Latios from Tabitabi and that crazy woman Courtney? That woman was insane!
We got to soar through the skies and travel to new lands because of that (Robin's very thankful by the way)! Remember when we saw that creepy cave painting in Granite Cave for the first time? That was eerie as hell. Or how about that time when we had to do that stupid task for Wattson at New Mauville? It was so boring but you were just happy to tag along with me. Remember when we went Mt. Pyre and how spooky the cemetery was? That Cleanse Tag I put on your forehead really came in handy (Duskulls. Duskulls, everywhere). Remember when you Mega Evolved for the first time? It blew my mind that you actually became a Dragon type in the process! I'm glad I named you for what you truly were all along. Remember all of the battles you had against your rival, May's Blaziken? You were always super excited to battle him; like kids during summer vaction who couldn't wait to show off what they learned to their friends. Ha, remember when you and Hae Ryong teamed up against Liza & Tate and trashed their team in less than a minute? I swear, you two are like brothers. Remember your fight against Steven's Mega Metagross? That was the hardest battle you ever face in your entire life. You tried your absolute best to whittle his hit points down, but Meteor Mash was too much for your defenses. I'm glad you believed in Etna to step in and get the job done. Being able to trust and rely on your teammates is the mark of a true leader.

We've soared through the heavens and survived the pit of hell itself. I'm glad I chose you. That final battle against May's Mega Blaziken where we first met is something I will never forget. His blaze kicks were damaging, but you shrug them off with your calm demeanor and finished him off with your signature attack, Leaf Blade. At first I didn't understand why you did that, but now I understand. You wanted to prove to your rival and myself that type advantage and STAB boosts meant nothing to you; that your bond with me was the true power that got us through our journey together. Cho, I couldn't have done it without you. We've come to understand the world and how it flows together, together.

Cho Ryong, thank you. You're the best companion, and friend, I could ever have.

Memory Girl reading: Cho Ryong encountered Virizion when it was with Christian. The Pokemon fondly remembers that it grinned.

Cho Ryong's stats:
Nature: Calm
Ability: Overgrow
HP: 198
Attack: 133
Defense: 118
Sp. Atk: 167
Sp. Def: 157
Speed: 205


 * * *

That was quite the journey, huh? But hey, let's not stop here! That's right, this is another Unofficial Blogger's Response Call! Do you have any stories you want to share about your amazing journey with your Pokemon? Don't be shy, write one up and share it with the rest of us!

I always liked to imagine stories like this when I played Pokemon as a kid, but it feels even better to finally write one out! I hope you guys enjoyed this fun narrative as much as I enjoyed crafting it.

See you Space Cowboy.




1:28 AM on 10.09.2014

A Tribute To Hip-Hop

Nope, this ain't about Danquan.

Oh yes, it's finally here. Occams, Gaj, S_Dae, ask and you shall recieve. As for everyone else, sit back, relax, and let Professor HLBC educate you about the ebbs and flows of this wonderful art called rap. Whether you're a fan of the genre or not, take some of your time to hear me out and at least come to an appreciation for what this music is truly capable of. It's no secret that I'm a rap connoisseur. I've been listening to it since I was a toddler, and I have grown to love and appreciate the work that goes behind it, just like any other artform.

I'm going to discuss four different songs from four different rappers, both old and new:


  • "Communism" by Common.
    • He is Chicago's oldest and greatest MC. Known for his inspired mix of poetic flow and soul, he's a living legend in the rap community. He's a two time Grammy award winner. Resurrection, Be, and Finding Forever are just a few of his many classic albums.

  • "It Ain't Hard To Tell" by Nas.
    • Hailing from Queensbridge, NY, he's one the East Coast's premier MC's. His 1994 debut album Illmatic is considered as one of the greatest rap albums ever dropped in history.
      Known for his storytelling, imagery, wordplay, and internal & multisyllabic rhyme schemes, he was Jay-Z's greatest rival for several years.

  • "Control (Kendrick's verse)" by Kendrick Lamar.
    • Representing Compton, he's part of the Young Millionare generation of new school rap along with others such as Meek Mills, Tyler the Creator, and Mac Miller. His style, while unique, is similar to Nas and is often dubbed as "Nas of the West Coast". His debut album Section.80 is a rock solid entrypoint and his critically acclaimed sophomore album good kid, m.A.A.d city is considered by many to be an insant classic. His single verse in Big Sean's track "Control" shocked the world and single handedly brought back competition to the rap game today.

  • "Friends" by Mac Miller.
    • Coming from Pittsburgh, he's become one of the leaders of the new school of rap. One of the few self-made rappers of our current generation, he's his own producer (via alter ego Larry Fisherman) and owner of his own label, REMember Music. His latest (eleventh) mixtape Faces is critically acclaimed as one of his best and even succeeding his 2012 sophomore album Watching Movies With The Sound Off.

But before we go any farther, let's get some terminology out of the way, so as to not lose my lovely readers in the jargon. Not all of these will be used, but it's always good to learn something new anyway. Like I always say, if you stay stale you stay behind.

Don't pick the cherry. I hate cherries.

  • Bar: A line that is said until there is a slight pause matched with another line rhyming with it. Rap couldn't function without these.
    • Example: It’s real, grew up in trife life, did times or white lines The hype vice, murderous nighttimes and knife fights invite crimes ("Memory Lane (Sittin' in  Da Park) by Nas)
  • Flow: The rhythmic structure that arises in a rap from the interaction between the rapper’s words and the strictly musical rhythms of those words. Nuf said.
  • Double Entendre: A sentence that has two interpretations. These are rather common, yet difficult to execute. But these are mere child's play compared to its elusive sibling...
    • Example: 95' Air Max cause I'm a dope runner ("Bricks" by Gucci Mane)
      • A dope (good) runner (jogger) and a dope (cocaine) runner (seller)
  • Triple Entendre: A sentence with three interpretations. The Great White Buffalo of Rap. It's extremely difficult to not only come up with, but execute.
    • Example: Only way I begin to G off was drug loot ("C.R.E.A.M." by Wu-Tang Clan)
      • To "get off" (orgasm)
      • Become a G (gangsta)
      • Make G's (thousands)
  • Free Association: The reporting of the first thought that comes to mind in response to a given stimulus (as a word). Easy to use, difficult to master.
    • Example: Man I'm newer than a Jack I went up the hill with Jill And Jack Jill's big bootay ("Communism" by Common)
  • Alliteration: The use of words that begin with the same sound near one another. These are everywhere in rap, and its a fun way to hook your listeners in.
    • Example: My enemies scatter in suicidal situations pockets is packed with presidents pursue your riches. ("If I Die 2nite" by Tupac)


Aaaaaaaand that ought to do it! You are officially ready to handle the sheer magnitude of these four songs. Before we get into the nitty gritty, I'd just like to say that Rap Genius is an amazing tool that allows hip-hop heads to collaborate and decipher lyrics for every rap song in exisitence. I'm only going to touch on some of the techniques that were used because each song has so much content that they deserve a full blog in their own right; which I neither have the time nor energy for.


You tell em' big boy.

Without further ado, let's introduce our first track, "Communism".

This track comes from Common's 1994 sophomore album, Resurrection. This is one of his classic albums, and while he still maintained his conscious roots, he was more of a gunslinger of a rapper than he is now; which isn't a bad thing. In "Communism" he masterfully blends free association, alliteration, double entendre, switching flows and displays his style change from his previous album, which was.....questionable at best. While the song is only one verse, it's easily his best and arguably one of the greatest of all time. When listening to this track, try not to listen to the words first. Instead, listen to the sounds of the words and how it the flow stays consistent for a few seconds, then switches. After you've got that down, listen again and follow the lyrics. Feel free to click on the bars to see what's going on behind the scenes. You'll always learn something new! As a challenge, try counting how many times you hear "com" without looking at the lyrics.

Did you count 40? If you did, you have some sharp ass ears. Common displays his masterful use of alliteration by using the "com" multiple times and his skillful wordplay of his name Common by using different words; all while sticking to the main concept of the song. Notice how he also occasionally switches his flow. For example, for the first 38 seconds, his flow is very distinct and easy to follow; but after the 40 second mark it switches to a faster and more fluid pace. Amazing isn't it? What makes this track so sick is how Common was able to compound (ha haaa!) so many different lyrical components in just 1 mintute and 30 seconds. There's a reason why Talib Kweli named this as one of his top 25 favorite hip-hop verses of all time.

Next up on our lyrical journey is "It Ain't Hard To Tell".

This track is from Nas's impeccable debut album Illmatic; which is considered by many to be one of, if not the greatest rap album ever dropped in history. After spending the first 9 tracks describing his upbringing in Queensbridge, this final track is all about his love for smoking the ganja. And man, does he do it well. If you listen carefully, you can hear the sample of Michael Jackson's "Human Nature" running in the background. And let me tell you, this track is smoother than a baby's butt. Again, follow along with the lyrics and start jamming!

Please tell me you chuckled in amazement at the first 4 bars. Just look at this slice of lyrical brilliance:

It ain't hard to tell, I excel then prevail
The mic is contacted, I attract clientele
My mic check is life or death, breathing a sniper's breath
I exhale the yellow smoke of buddha through righteous steps

Nas just kills it with his rhyming, free association, and metaphorical use. I mean, who comes up with this shit?! It's genius! He even makes up "magmatize" as his own word in the second verse, "so analyze, surprise me, but can't magmatize me". What he's basically saying  is that no matter what people say or think about him, he'll never change as a person nor as a rapper. Staying true to yourself is a prevalent theme for many great rappers.

Alrighty then, we're halfway done with our journey! We've cleared the old school section, and now we're moving foward to the new age of rap: the Young Millionare generation!

Shut up mayo boy and let me teach!

If you've been following the list, you know what's up next. There's a reason why I chose a verse from Kendrick and not one of his songs. The impact from his verse in "Control" was so massive that the rap game went under cardiac arrest to understand what the fuck just happened. His verse was so vicious, so brutal, and so ill that some radio stations only played Kendrick's verse when "Control" came on. I almost feel bad for Jay Electronica. I mean, how are you supposed to follow this? Listen and try not to vomit from the sickness of this verse. Listen to Kendrick's tone too; he's out for blood.

Sweet Ghandi's tits was that ferocious! But if you're still asking why this verse is so important, allow me to explain why. Kendrick pays respects to the masters of rap, but places himself at the front of his list, then transitions to the current players in the game, calls them out, and challenges them all to take the throne as the greatest, just as he is.

I heard the barbershops be in great debates all the time
Bout who's the best MC? Kendrick, Jigga and Nas
Eminem, Andre 3000, the rest of y'all
New niggas just new niggas, don't get involved
And I ain't rockin' no more designer shit
White T’s and Nike Cortez, this red Corvette's anonymous
I'm usually homeboys with the same niggas I'm rhymin' with
But this is hip-hop and them niggas should know what time it is
And that goes for Jermaine Cole, Big KRIT, Wale
Pusha T, Meek Millz, A$AP Rocky, Drake
Big Sean, Jay Electron', Tyler, Mac Miller
I got love for you all but I'm tryna murder you niggas
Trying to make sure your core fans never heard of you niggas
They don't wanna hear not one more noun or verb from you niggas
What is competition? I'm trying to raise the bar high
Who tryna jump and get it? You're better off trying to skydive

Those 16 lines are the words that truly shook the game to its core. This resulted in many other rappers, not just the ones listed, to reach for greater heights and not settle for stagnation. Mac Miller was one of the few to answer his call; and Faces was his response.

Last, but certainly not least, we have Mac Miller and his hilariously brilliant track "Friends" from his 2014 mixtape, Faces.

"Friends" is one my favorite tracks, mainly because it describes Mac's crazy life in an almost whimsical nature. Rocking the legendary Miles Davis's instrumentals in the background, he calmly takes a sip of his Arnold Palmer before he gets to work. Pay attention to the rhymes; it's almost as if he's freestyling.

Remember when I mentioned Mac answering Kendrick's call? I'm sure you caught that little snippet in the second verse.

In this Game of Thrones, it is known
I got the 4G, L-T-E connection bars
No Control, fuck Ken Lamar (Fuck you Kendrick!)

Let's take a minute to disect the cleverness of these bars. There's a picture of Kendrick wearing a crown, which portrays the obvious. Game of Thrones depicts the current rap game of many contenders fighting for the throne. Kendrick's wearing crown. 4G LTE the fastest and highest quality connection there is; which is how he described how good his bars are (the notation for that line on Rap Genuis is retarded). The last line is self-explanatory, and ties all of what I just said into just three lines. That's pretty impressive. Keep in mind that this is just a friendly jab; they're both good friends off the court (ha haaa!).


Phew! Well students, we just covered plenty of ill ass content back there. We learned some new terms, discovered some new artists, and gained an immense amount of knowledge from four different tracks of different styles. I hope I gave you all some perspective about how deep rap truly is. I personally feel that people who dismiss all rap as trash are agonizingly ignorant because they don't at least try to see the significance. Listen to the literary mechanics rappers infuse into their verses. There's free association, alliteration, double--no--even triple metaphors, double entendres, similes, etc. It blows my fucking mind. I love it. Unfortunately there are a plethora of potato rappers that people think are good but only because they have an amazing beat to back up their shitty, dull, uninspired, cookie-cutter, vanilla ass lyrics. I only listen to those who have true skill. Real recognize real; and I hope that after reading this, you will too.

See you Space Cowboy.


Haters gonna hate.


11:41 AM on 09.19.2014

Storytime with Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon! (NVGR)

[No pic/gif intro this time, my friends. I'm back with another blog, but I'm going to do something different. I'm going to give you guys a nice short story to read! After reading Brittany Vincent's lovely prose, I was motivated create my own. But why stop there? Let's get this fever pitch started and see what you guys can do! Consider this an unoffical Blogger's Response call. Write a short story about anything, videogame related or not. It's that simple. I'd love to see what you guys are capable of, so let's get this ball rolling! Here is my short story. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I loved crafting it. See you Space Cowboy.]


Underneath A Sky So Blue

         The icy wind bit at Ryner’s olive skin. His eyes were stained glass of mosaic red and pink with a pale-green halo. The thick, musty smell of singed hair and gunpowder suffocated his nose as he gazed hopelessly at the wreckage; scraps of sheet metal were hammered through the ground like tombstones. The passenger seats were ripped apart by the shrapnel, now stained wet of blood and ice.

         “All fucking gone,” Ryner said.

         He knew he had to find shelter soon. The blizzard was not letting up, and the wind continued. Gunshots reverberated in the woods.

         “Shit. I knew they were nearby, but not this close,” he said.

         He clenched his fists and dashed towards the trees. His lungs were on fire as he ran through the bitter, frozen forest. The trees’ lifeless limbs towered over him like sentinels, watching his every move. Like icicles, the chilled air consistently gnawed at his skin with its icy jaws. He was tempted to stop and rest for a moment, but he knew better than to give them time. The crunch of powdered ice packed beneath his feet as he ran with his willpower dragging behind him.

         Ryner’s heart lifted when he approached an abandoned house, a dilapidated remnant from a war of years past crutched between two pine trees tapered in ice. He hurried towards the house and shut himself in. He slouched in the corner of the living room. He could smell rotting wood beneath his feet; no less pleasant than the crash site a few miles back. The walls were a pale blue, as if reflecting the white world outside.

         “Jesus, this whole damn forest is a graveyard,” he thought.

         Ryner was shivering in frozen agony as he tried to stay warm. He couldn’t feel his limbs. Breathing was painful. He was scared beyond belief, but was too cold to care. The sliver of life he hung onto was slowly fading until he noticed an old woman in rags sitting across from him.

         Her hair was thin and silver like threads from a spider’s web. Her face was carved with wrinkles and her eyes were shaped like thin, slanted almonds. Without speaking a word, she gingerly extended a cup of what appeared to be hot tea. Ryner slowly crawled with every ounce of strength he had towards her to grab the hot porcelain cup. The faint aroma of apples and flowers graced his nostrils. His heart began to glow as he cautiously took a small sip of the scorching hot tea.

         “Do you still plan on going?” asked the old woman.

         “What?” Ryner replied.

         “Do you still plan on going? You don’t seem happy about this decision.”

         “Decision? Listen, I don’t know what the hell is going on here or what you’re talking about. Our plane was shot down. My crew is dead. All of my notes are destroyed. Those facts are real. This blizzard is real. Those men chasing after me for god knows what, are real. I’m just a journalist. I didn’t ask for any of this shit. I didn’t even want to be here!”

         “So you don’t plan on going?”

         “Look, thank you for the tea and all, but is there any place safe I can go nearby?”

         “Yes. But you have to make a decision first.”

         The old lady slowly extended her long and bony finger, slightly shaking, and pointed at Ryner’s face. For the first time, her eyes opened. The old woman’s eyes were black, with a white iris and a black pupil. Ryner’s stomach churned and his heart palpitated at the sight of her Mephistophelian eyes.

         “Do you plan on going?” the old woman said.

         “I know where I’m going!” Ryner yelled as he bolted out the door and into the forest.

         The old woman gazed upon him through the window as her appearance slowly began to change. Her thin silver hair turned auburn. Her skin became smooth and olive toned. Her face was soft and radiated a beautiful complexion. Her eyes were now pale-green, like Ryner’s.

         “I see now,” the beautiful woman said.

         The door crashed down. The beautiful woman heard the sound of boots thumping against the old wood floors. The gun was beating against the Kevlar vest in a militant fashion. A tall man donned in white from head to toe stood before the beautiful woman. His posture radiated an aura of regality. His face was obscured from his pitch black goggles and facemask. Nothing about his white Kevlar uniform stood out, except for a small crimson tattoo on the front of his helmet. It was a lion of regal stature, standing on its hind legs and roaring with its tongue worming its way out of the beast’s fierce jaws. It was the zodiac of Leo.

         “Did he give you an answer?” asked the man with the Leo tattoo. He had the voice of a leader.

         “I know him very well. I’m sure he’s made up his mind by now.”

         “Which way did he run?”


         “I see. It’s only a matter of time then. I’ll handle it from here.”

         “He’s terrified of you, you know. You shouldn’t be so hard on the boy. He has a huge decision to make.”

         “Indecisiveness is a disease.”

* * *

         Ryner continued north and he eventually discovered a cave carved into a rock face. He ran into the grotto to shelter himself from the sheer cold. It was still cold, but it was a different cold. The cavern itself was much bigger and deeper than Ryner initially thought. The high ceiling and narrow passageway gave off a feeling that the place was more of a makeshift grand hall of greystone. He saw something strange for a cave: a light was flickering at the end of the deep hallway.

         “Hello?” his voice echoed.

         The cave extended deeper into the rock, and soon the entrance resembled a white snowball. Ryner continued to walk deeper into lifeless grand hall, each step braver still. The flickering light became brighter as he neared the end of the greystone cave. The room at the end had nothing but a fluorescent light hanging from the ceiling. The light cut off for a moment, and Ryner rubbed his eyes. When he opened them, what he saw made his legs turn to stone, and his heart drop.

         The man with the Leo tattoo was standing there, his black assault rifle in hand. Ryner turned around, but the passageway was suddenly gone.

         “I’ve been looking all over for you,” the man said. “It’s time for you to wake up.”

         “I…I don’t know wha—,” Ryner panicked. The man with the Leo tattoo shot him twice in the head before he could speak another word.

* * *

       Gasping for air, Ryner shot up out of bed as he stared at his sweaty palms.

         “I know where I’m going…,” he muttered.

         He immediately ran downstairs and into the kitchen, where he saw a familiar figure. A beautiful woman with auburn hair, smooth olive skin, a soft face radiating a beautiful complexion, and pale-green eyes, was making chamomile tea.

         “Mother, I’m turning down the job,” Ryner said with assertiveness. “Being a war correspondent would be too much.”

         Ryner’s mother turned around and extended the cup of tea with a smile.

         “I’m glad you finally made a choice. What happened? Bad dream convince you otherwise?” she laughed.

         “Yeah… I guess you could say that. Everything was so white and grey. I was so scared and miserable.”

         “This world has its fair share of problems, hon. Why be miserable when you could laugh and smile underneath a sky so blue?”

         Ryner slowly took a sip from the hot, white porcelain cup. The aroma of apples and flowers graced his senses as he cracked a smile for the first time. The sun kissed his skin when he gazed out the kitchen window. The sky was a beautiful cerulean hue.

         “I hate snow,” he said. “I really hate snow.”


11:30 PM on 06.16.2014

Hindsight Is Always 20/20: Pokemon Gen VI & Gen III

The look says it all.

I'll cut straight to the chase and say it: Pokemon X/Y is more shallow than a 16 year old girl's self-esteem. Now some of you may have gasped at that sentence while arguing, "How the hell is it shallow?! X/Y has so much to offer!" Fine, let me level with everyone for a sec.
Yes, it's in 3D *coughpokemonstadiumcough*.
Yes, there's a new continent to explore.
Yes, there are new gym leaders to crush.
Yes, there are new mechanics.
And yes, they added a few new Pokemon to the roster.
Oh and did I forget to mention the dark storyline? Well shit, put all of that together and you got yourself a promising Gen VI right?

The first 3 weeks of playing X/Y.


After 3 weeks of playing X/Y. Yes, I am Ryan Gosling.

And then you beat it.
Now what? Battle Maison? More like Broken Maison. Trade online? You better have a legendary for that. Fill your Dex? Pokebank solved that problem. The post game is almost non-existent; and don't even mention Looker's stupid ass side quest. Seriously, it's that bad. Whatever happened to having rich post game content? This has been a topic that some (including myself) have briefly mentioned on Pokemon related articles on Destructoid lately now that Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire have been slated for release this fall. Don't get me wrong, X/Y are good games for what they are, but they could have been SO much better. How so? By offering more post game content; and that's what I'm truly hoping for with OR/AS. If Gen III could offer more content than Gen VI did, then OR/AS better be fatter than an Atlanta stripper's ass. To better understand the sheer amount of content Gen III had for its time, let's jump back 11 years ago when Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire came out.

I hate Doctor Who.

Holy balls, it's 2003! Outkast was the musical king! iTunes was born! Bubb Rubb made the whistles go WOOOOOO! But who gives a flying fish about that, Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire just came out! Brand new Pokemon! New lands to explore! Build your own secret hideout! Weather mechanics! Flannery! New moves! New gym leaders! Flannery! Badass legendary Pokemon! Flannery! Holy Miltank, Batman: this game has a lot to offer!

Elesa ain't got shit on this.

For starters, the Hoenn region was a very diverse and expansive environment despite being 60% water. Sure there was a lot of surfing to do, but there were deserts, volcanic areas, actual underwater segments (I'm looking at you B/W 2), forests, tropical villages, Sootopolis City (Coolest. City. Ever.), and the Pokemon League was its own fucking island. Not to mention the plethora of secret hideouts you could make if one of your Pokemon knew Secret Power. And if you went to the secret Pokemart Roof Sale at Lilycove City, you could buy boards to cover up those stupid holes! Moving to new areas and creating new hideouts were a lot of fun to do in post game. How about Sky Pillar, where the third legendary Pokemon is secretly located? You better master your mach bike skills to have a prayer of reaching the top; not to mention surviving by the skin of your Bonslys against Rayquaza. Diverse environment? Check.

Okay, what about hunting legendary Pokemon? Well Gen III has you covered there too. Let's go ahead and start with the coolest legendary of all time.


Am I doing it right?

LOOK AT THAT MAJESTIC SON OF A BITCH! As you can see, Kyogre (the Sea Basin Pokemon), is based off an Orca. Orcas are cool as fuck. Not only can this denizen of the deep summon an endless rainstorm and raise sea levels to unimaginable heights, it looks cool doing it. Okay, so maybe water isn't your thing. There's always Groudon, but Kyogre is cooler so let's stop talking about a dry dinosaur. But what about the legendary trio? Let's just say they're hard. Real hard. They're so hard they make Bruce Willis die soft. Eh, you're still shaking your head aren't you. Well let me ask you a question: What happens when Regis Philbin has a menage with a boulder, a block of ice, and a steel ingot? You get three legendary Pokemon that are so hard that I get hard just thinking about it. Regirock, Regice, and Registeel. And they're all hidden away in what is the most cryptic fashion in Pokemon history. But wait, there's more! We forgot to mention three more legendary Pokemon (and they're OP as fuck): Latios, Latias, and Deoxys. Latios and Latias are both extremely fast Dragon/Psychic Pokemon that love to run away......a lot. Deoxys is the (tentacle rape monster) alien virus Pokemon that can change into three different forms: Attack, Defense, and Speed. Don't forget that the last three I mentioned could only be attained by attending special Nintendo events. Well I'll be! A video game forcing you to get out and attend social events unlike X/Y; which encourages hermitism (I just made up an new word, bitches like new words). Badass legendary Pokemon? Check.

Well what about the normal Pokemon? Well don't you worry mi amigo, because GameFreak 03' just decided to cram 135 new Pokemon in your pants! I'm no calculus professor but that's a lot of Pokemon to catch. Let's look at Gen VI since, you know, technology has advanced 11 fucking years and we get.........70. *sigh* Massive amount of new Pokemon? Check.


I'm not even going to bother explaining the disparity there.

Alright, but what about battling? Two words: Battle Frontier. That's right, I said frontier. A mansion? Bitch please. Broken Maison wishes it was half as awesome. So what is Battle Frontier? It's a giant island with seven different battle arenas. SEVEN.


I hate Disneyland.

Count those buildings you Bidoof. Did you get seven? Good. No? Go stuff your face with carrots. Why are there seven different arenas? Well for seven different approaches to battling of course! Allow me to break them down piece by piece.

The Battle Tower: Bigger, Longer, Stronger.

The Battle Tower is the most basic of the seven. It's basically like Broken Maison except......not broken.

The Battle Palace: Ash's Pikachu mode.

The Battle Palace is where Pokemon battle on their own without any commands from their trainers. Your Pokemon battle according to their nature, which can fluctuate depending on the damage they're taking. Also the moves your Pokemon use will be completely different depending on their nature too. Pretty balls to the wall eh?

The Battle Factory: Rent to win.

The Battle Factory is basically the Battle Tent in Slateport City, except much harder.

The Battle Pyramid: Demon's Souls mode.

The Battle Pyramid is absolutely insane. It's basically a 7-floor pitch black dungeon, but here's the kicker: you can't bring any items into the building, you can only use the items that you find inside, and the floor only lights up by defeating opponents. Oh yeah, there's also wild Pokemon waiting to chomp on your Bonslys.

The Battle Dome: Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitch.

Ah, the Battle Dome. It's a massive 16-trainer tournament with a slight twist: Before each battle, you can see what Pokemon your opponents are using, their fighting style, and how they train. You can also find who got their ass kicked by checking the bracket. Pretty nifty. All it needs is Randy Savage as a commentator, but he's dead. Bummer.

The Battle Arena: The 36th Chamber of The Shaolin Chungus.

You know, with the layout of this place, you seriously would've thought they'd name it The Battle Dojo. On to more important things, this lovely place showcases team based battles (2v2) with judges scoring on how well you perform in three categories: Mind, Skill, and Body. Yeah, they just went Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles philosophy on your ass. So it's basically 2v2 for three rounds, and if both Pokemon last all three, you get rated based on those three aspects. The higher score wins. If there's a tie, the judge says you both suck and kicks both trainers out. If you knock your opponent's ass out via TKO, it's an automatic win. Pretty badass. Makes me want to watch Bloodsport.

The Battle Pike: Totally not an 18th hole in mini golf.

Last but not least, the Battle Pike. It's a pretty weird arena in that the layout is confusing. There are 21 rooms via seven sets of three. I'm no herpetologist but I'm pretty sure a snake's insides aren't that roomy. Anyway, it's basically an "event" arena in that whatever set you choose to walk through, any of these eight events will happen: single battle, double battle, single battle + healing, wild Pokemon, no event, status effect, 1 or 2 recovery, and full recovery. Phew! That's a pretty crazy ride. I only have one question though: Since you entered through the mouth, if you win, do you exit though the bu.....actually, never mind. I don't want to know.

That wraps it up for battling. Broken Maison really sucks now right? Told ya. Here's the best part: you will never have to face broken AI like a Walrein with 100% accurate Sheer Cold. So not only do you get to battle tough trainers, but also in seven different fun and exciting formats! And it's all in one place! You can't beat that value! Battling variety? Check.

Alrighty then, time to jump back to our present era.

Wait, this isn't time jumping! Or is it...?

Holy Shroomish, I just covered a whole lot of ground back there. Let's do a quick recap on why Gen III had so much more content than Gen VI.
Diverse environment, check.
Badass legendary Pokemon, check.
Massive amount of new Pokemon, check.
Battling variety, check.
Flannery, check check check.

I just gave you five damned good reasons. Quit your bitchin. Now that Gen III is getting the modern treatment, I seriously hope that OR/AS will be just as robust as it once was 11 years ago. When you look at what X/Y has for regular and post game content in comparison to R/S/E, it's sad. You'd think X/Y would just bust the doors down and smack you in the face with the all the hype it had. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed X/Y for what it was, but it could've been so much more.

And that's why hindsight is always 20/20.

See you Space Cowboy.




1:44 AM on 04.17.2013

Sewaddle? Bitch Please! Gliscor is CLEARLY the best Pokemon ever!

Fucking BADASS

What? Were you expecting a .GIF up there like you always do when you read my blogs? Tough titties, chief. I'm breaking my tradition of .GIF intros this time. Why? Cause Gliscor don't need no fancy ass .GIF for a motherfucking intro! I'm gonna tell you why Gliscor is CLEARLY the best Pokemon ever!

1. He gives no fucks.
Just LOOK AT HIM! Does he look like he gives a fuck? The answer to that no. Oh yeah, he's flipping you off.

2. He's a flying scorpion. Flying scorpions are cool as fuck.
A bug with balls on its forehead? LAME. Gliscor has two big ass pincers that will chop your damn balls off! He can fly at night and fuck up anyone who is unlucky enough to bump into this badass. Did I forget to mention he's metal as fuck too?

3. He's a Ground/Flying type. is that even possible?
Bug/Grass? More like Yuk/Ass. Sewaddle gets boned from so many weaknesses because it's a little bitch. Gliscor's typing makes him nearly indestructible. What's that? You're gonna use electric moves? No effect DUMBASS. Gliscor's only major weakness is ice; but let's face it, you won't use an ice type Pokemon because those are for pussies.

4. He's the best actor in Pokemon, PERIOD.
Just look at his Oscar winning performance you Bidoof.

5. He has the biggest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom.
You read that correctly. That ain't no tail, that's his dick. His schlong can sting people, can hang from trees, can bounce on it, and he can even SIT ON IT. Can you sit or bounce on your baloney pony? I didn't think so. Sewaddle's deep-v diver pales in comparison to Gliscor's ramburglar (yep, I just used five different names for penis; bitches like different names for penis). What's that? You want proof that he can stand on his Bob Dole (make it six)? Here's your proof:

So as you can see, according to my scholarly research, the evidence here proves that Gliscor is CLEARLY better than Sewaddle--or any Pokemon for that matter!

"Well holy fuckballs Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon! Is there any other Pokemon that comes close to Gliscor?!"

Unfortunately my dear reader, there is. The only Pokemon that could possibly give this badass a run for his money is...............................................


See you Space Cowboy.

"The Rainbow Pokemon" by EraserRain18

8:00 PM on 04.14.2013

Shortblog on Violence: Just shut up and buy the damn game or not.

I've hit my Limit Break with this shit.

Well, if you haven't seen the comment I made on Andy's blogger's response call, allow me to refresh your memory:

"I'll be honest: I am sick to DEATH of this topic. For the most part, this is all I ever hear about on campus, in the news, and on every game site. Nobody gave two shits about Bioshock's "violence" when it came out years ago. But NOW it's important. NOW it's something that has to be discussed. It's ridiculous. More gore or not, it really doesn't do anything to us except possibly altering our decision of buying the game due to our own unique tastes." 

Anyway, is this entire "issue" even relevant to our everyday lives? I'm a big picture guy, and "issues" like these do nothing but detract us from the real issues that are happening in the gaming industry--let alone the world! What makes this even more ridiculous is that when Bioshock came out six years ago, no one cared about its violent content AT ALL. It received nothing but praise worldwide. But because of recent incidents and the media's overblown coverage of it, many people are considering the question, "Are video games becoming to violent?" an "issue". I'm a journalist and even I will call the media out on this bullshit. Whatever happened to just taking responsibility for your actions? Yeah, it's that sad. So is there really anything to fear from this "issue"?

HELL NO. The only issue this "issue" brings up for us is whether or not we will buy a particular game because of its content; in this case, gore or candy canes. But it doesn't really matter, because we are all unique individuals with different tastes. I'm not too big on blood and gore, but that doesn't mean I'm going to complain about it or judge someone because of their preference. I fucking LOVE subjectivity; I'm a writer for crying out loud! So I embrace different opinions and new ideas with a passion.

"Only through others can we discover new ways to be ourselves."

But when it comes to "issues" like these, you know, the ones that have been discussed to death about and carry no weight to them, I just don't want to hear it. In other words, shut up and by the game or just walk away. It's that simple. Don't you hate it when you're looking at a game you're thinking about buying, and some random person judges you for it? This brings me to my next point:

Oh wait, there isn't one. Why? Because I won't even bother explaining about how there is no correlation between violence and video games. But if your curiosity is tickled that much, I'll embed a piece from Penn & Teller's show "Bullshit"; which explains it better than anyone else can. Sorry Jim Sterling, but these guys can do magic man. Fucking MAGIC!

I honestly hope that didn't surprise you. Sure the video is totally dated (2006 I think?), but the argument against anti-violent video games is timeless. I mean, my younger brother plays Black Ops 2 more than a #Swag #YOLO #CaliSmoke #IHaveABigDick dude-bro, but that doesn't mean he's going to grow up and become a murderer. The same argument goes for the other end of the spectrum. I play lots of JRPG's, fighting games, and I watch an occasional anime once every blue moon; but that doesn't mean I'm a salty basement dwelling weeabo (or however you spell that). Fallacies such as False Cause and Slippery Slope unfortunately exist in the media thanks to incompetent editors and media figures. And as a result, "issues" such as video games being too "violent" pop up like like herpes all over the internet.

My point is this: We're all adults here, so just shut up and buy the damn game or not.

So can we all get back to typing C-Blogs about awesome things please? I'd much rather read about why Gliscor has the biggest and strongest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom, or why Bomberman Fantasy Race is like, the best racing game EVER!

See you Space Cowboy.

Gliscor's penis can hang from fucking trees, man. TREES!

1:15 PM on 04.01.2013

I just ate an entire MET-Rx Big100 Colossal Protein Bar





9:30 AM on 03.16.2013

An Endless Sea of Stars

Remember this?

Mystical. It is the only word I can use to describe the euphoria I felt on Saturday March 2, 2013 at 6:29 p.m. CST. Why?

Because at that specific moment in time, I finally beat Final Fantasy VII . . . after 15 years. You read that correctly my fellow readers. Fifteen years.

"Well Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket!", you exclaim in front of your device.
"Why (or how) the hell did it take that long to finish that game?! I know it takes like 60+ hours to completely beat it and all . . . but damn!", you ponder.

Well, it's time to gather around the campfire yet again folks, because uncle Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon's got a story to tell.

And so my tale of rediscovering the one game that got away from me ages ago, The Great White Buffalo, begins.

Getchya popcorn ready!

Fifteen years ago I was a bright-eyed 7 year old boy. The world was my oyster. Everything was beautiful and fascinating as I blissfully approached anything I found interesting with curiosity and fearlessness. I loved video games very much then. They provided me a place where I could let my imagination run wild and explore other worlds I couldn't begin to fathom. My head was always in the clouds back then; being blissfully unaware of the world and its harsh reality around me. It goes without saying that video games and books were a godsend for me. School was very rough. I didn't have any friends or acquaintances that saw the world the same way I did. They thought I was weird and strange, so I was kind of an outcast. But I was okay with that! As long as I had something to escape to at home, I was happy.

So video games were my saving grace. It reminded me that there were still people out there in the world that had their heads in the clouds like I did. They weren't afraid to express their imagination. Man, the games developers came up with in 90's . . . it was incredible! But nothing prepared me for the day I stumbled upon the first game that ever engrossed me: Final Fantasy VII.
I found it lying on the floor in my room. And to this day, I will never know how it got there. My older brother wasn't into video games like myself, so it couldn't have been his. It almost seemed as if fate had placed it there for some reason. Needless to say, the cover was calling to me.

I will never forget the awe this cover instilled in me.

The whitewash. The giant building (Was that a robot?! I thought then). The mysterious blonde with the ludicrously sized sword. It was all fascinating! It brought an air of endlessness and suspense. The cover spoke to the adventurer deep within my soul. It called out to my imagination. Oh, the excitement I felt! It was just wonderful, it really was. And so I opened the case and read through the manual like a religious zealot. The cover gave me so many unanswered questions:
Who is that blonde figure? What is its story? What does RPG mean? 
The manual made no sense to me. I couldn't grasp what it was trying to say. So I decided to play the game itself to see what was in store. I had no idea I was in for such a treat.

The cinematic intro put me in complete astonishment. The stars in the night sky shined so bright as in real life. The woman in red was mysterious, yet beautiful. The city was fascinating, yet somewhat depressing. But what hit me the most was the music. I never heard such a melody before. It made me feel as if time was perfectly still . . . until the train sequence comes along. A sense of urgency and importance washed over me as I saw the mysterious blonde (boy?) at the train station. And then my first battle happened. I never played an RPG before, so it was an entirely new experience. It was the first game I ever played that involved real strategy. I actually had to use my head and think?! This mechanic was right down my alley. I felt unstoppable as I decimated the futile soldiers in my path towards the train. The whole experience was intoxicating for my young mind then. Oh yeah, I didn't have a memory card at the time, so I kept replaying the prologue over and over again. I knew Guard Scorpion like the back of my hand.

How's that for insanity, eh?

It was also the first game I played that gave you the freedom to name your characters. As cool as I thought that was however, I decided to keep it OG (homeboy) and not change anything. I figured they were that way for a reason. And yeah, I'm glad I did that today. The names Cloud, Lockheart, and Sephiroth make a lot of sense when I think about it. But alas, the good fortune only lasted for so long. Just as soon as it appeared, it was gone like a one night stand. I remember searching all over the 2-bedroom apartment for it. I was constantly asking my brother if he knew where it went; but I never got an answer. It was just . . . gone.

"Like a panda with a mean face."

Needless to say, I moved on with my life and grew up. In a weird way, I kind of forgot about FFVII, but remnants of it always remained in the far corners of my mind. I always felt that I would come back to it someday, but I didn't have the funds, the hardware, or the time to do so. But that all changed four years ago when I finally bought myself a PS3. Man, was that an awesome investment. Demon's Souls was great, but I decided to surf PSN to see what it was all about.

And then I saw it . . . for $10. It was the first PSN purchase I ever made.

Like a long lost lover, we got intimate fast. My nostalgia sensors were off the charts! The wonky d-pad controls, the blocky polygonal models, and the music all took me back. And who could forget Barrett and his $#@!&%* swearing! It was just awesome! But more importantly, I finally began to understand the story, its theme, and why the characters were named the way they are. If only we could save the Earth like they did for the Planet . . .

So there I was, sitting in my apartment on Saturday, March 2nd, 2013. I should've been working on my news article for The Houstonian, but Safer Sephiroth was just asking for it. One Quadra+Knights of The Round summon and several minutes later (yeah I did it like that, sue me) he slowly disintegrates into oblivion. Oh and don't worry folks, I witnessed the awesomeness of Supernova before Arthur cleaved him in half. And so Sephiroth was destroyed! Right?

Then I heard that bell . . . and my heart dropped.

I saw a super tan (seriously, that dark?!) man with long silver hair and cold, jade-green eyes. No shirt, no armor, no wings, and no funny business: just a man and his blade. He made it clear that he will never be just a memory. He looked dead serious.

And then I Omnislashed THE FUCK outta him!

It was finally over. After leveling up characters, getting ultimate weapons, materia hunting, chocobo breeding, snowboarding, submarining, gauntlet challenging, getting level 4 limit breaks, and pussying out against Emerald and Ruby (oh hell no), I finally freakin did it. And I've finally said finally four times in a paragraph, finally (shit--make it five).

At last, I got to join the many gamers who witnessed The Endless Sea of Stars. I knew I would get there eventually; it just took me fifteen years to do it, that's all!

See you Space Cowboy.


If Earth goes to shit one day, fuck Captain Planet. I'm calling THESE GUYS!


12:04 AM on 02.05.2013

The Legend of Zohar002

Admit it, you thought the title said Zelda! HA!

Jokes aside though, it's time that I get a bit more serious this time around. I'm here to share a small tale of mine; for the hopes that one day, this legendary enigma will surface once again to grace our souls with his beautiful melody.

Zohar002. That screen name alone gives me chills. There is so much irony to that name; and yet, it feels justified while exuding a mysterious air. Sit around the campfire folks, because I'm about to tell you the mysteriously brief legend about the greatest video game cover pianist of all time.

This international man of mystery (YEAH BABY!) first debuted onto YouTube on August 4th, 2007 with his cover of "Corridors of Time". For those who don't know, it's one of the musical masterpieces from Chrono Trigger. Be a fancy bear, and watch his performance below.

His technique is absolutely flawless. His hands move like water. He flows as eloquently as woman's gentle touch. And I'll admit it, those are some sexy ass hands. But what makes this cover even more impressive is that the sheet music for this piece was originally intended to be played by two people!


Personally, "Corridors of Time" is my favorite track from Chrono Trigger. In essence the music effortlessly complemented the exotic and mystical setting. I can literally visualize the floating kingdom while listening with my eyes closed. Zohar002's cover was so emotional, compelling, and powerful that it actually brought tears to my eyes; and it wasn't for nostalgia's sake either. His cover was just that beautiful. What made him truly special was his unique delivery while still staying true to the original at the same time. I call it, "uniqinal" (fusing words! I've done it again! Buahaha!).

I referred to him as a man of mystery (SHAG-A-DELIC!) because no one knows who he is. Rumor has it that he is actually the legendary musical composer, Yasunori Mitsuda! There hasn't been any proof to that yet, but I could understand why it might be him. For starters, he has the physical sheet music either on display or is using it in his videos. Another reason why he might be Mitsuda, is because the sheet music for "Corridors of Time" is absolutely brutal to learn and master; which makes sense because he did compose the music himself. It is said that he worked so hard at composing the 54 tracks for Chrono Trigger that he developed stomach ulcers and had to be hospitalized!

Passion. Dedication. Ulcers. FUCK.

Given his unrelenting love for his own music, I could see why Zohar002's absolutely flawless performance and mastery of that track alone gave speculation for his potential identity. His country of origin even says Japan on his Youtube channel! But the biggest irony (and potential giveaway) of all lays within the screen name itself. The root word "Zohar" is an extremely important term from the legendary JRPG, Xenogears. Mitsuda was also the musical composer for that game. Go figure, eh?

His cover of Xenogears's "Shevat, The Wind is Calling", is another peerless cover. Although the flute and percussion gave the sense of coolness and urgency to the original track, Zohar002 filled that crucial gap with his soothing strikes of the keys. Be a fancy bear yet again, and watch his performance below!

His performance is perfect! It's as if the music was his own to begin with. Xenogears's music is already one of the most beautiful, emotional, and compelling soundtracks I have ever heard. Zohar002's uniqinal (haha!) tribute glorifies it.

Oh, and if Chrono Trigger and Xenogears weren't enough for you, he has also done a cover for Final Fantasy 6 and Star Ocean 3.

It's okay, you can clean your pants afterwards.

Over the past 5 years, he has gained a massive following of fans and viewers on YouTube; over fifteen million to be exact. He has inadvertently inspired millions to make covers of their own. I'd go as far as saying he is reviving the classical art of music itself to the younger generation of viewers out there.

Unfortunately, he disappeared without a trace 4 years ago. He is sorely missed by all of his fans, including me. And honestly, I don't think this man gets enough credit for what he does.

Because of the mystery surrounding his identity, no one knows where he is, where he's been, or what he's been doing. I'm well aware that life happens, but if someone this gifted and talented can create such beautiful music for the world, why stop abruptly? It almost seemed as if he appeared for a particular purpose, and left once he accomplished his goal; whatever that was.

There are so many questions that are still left unanswered today. Who is Zohar002? Why did he appear and disappear so abruptly? Will he ever come back? Is he the legendary Yasunori Mitsuda?

He may forever be a mystery to us all. But there is no mystery about his legacy, his mastery of his craft, and his deep appreciation for the arts. He will always be an inspiration to all video game music lovers out there.

Zohar002 is a true enigma.

See you Space Cowboy.


12:28 PM on 01.27.2013

Call me Mentos, cause this blog's a freshmaker! (First blog)

Ahh...yes! Can you feel the minty freshness of something NEW for once? I hope so, cause I'm going to knock your balls out of the park!

"Ka-kiiing! He who conquers the left side conquers the world, chief."

This blog is going to be about--
"NO DR. DOOM! This is not about YOU!"
"Fuut daiv...." :(

So what the hell is this about, you ponder? Well, let me answer your question with a question: "What do Akuma, Rufus, Yun, Vergil, and Dr. Doom all have in common?"


John Goodman's disapproval of divekicks.

This blog is about Divekick, the "garmody"! (Yeah, I just fused the words game and parody. Bitches like fused words.)

So a buddy of mine from North Texas University messaged me about it on Facebook a few days ago, saying it should be in EVO and what-not, so it obviously perked my ears. And then he sent me this:

Sweet Ghandi's tits! This is actually a GAME?! Well, despite that it's a parody of a godlike skill in any fighting game, it apparently seems legit. So this led me to do further research about divekicks, and why they're so damn GOOD! I mean, there's a garmody about it after all!

So, how good are divekicks you ask? Let's just say you can tell the difference from a "scrub" Yun from a "pro" Yun just from the usage of divekicks in Third Strike and SS4:AE. That, or just play anyone online in Mahvel and get stuffed like a virgin on prom night by a pro Dr. Doom.

Well, why use divekicks? Well, I don't like getting super technical about frames and shit, so I'll keep it simple. They can be a great tool to get in on your opponent while dealing damage. And if timed correctly with a good combo, mix-up, or cross-up, it can literally DESTROY keep-away characters such as Yukiko, Dormammu, and Dhalism. Overall, they're fast, have good priority, and are more-less safe on block, depending on when and how you use it.

For example, Rufus's Messiah Kick is godlike in every way. It's fast, recovers INSTANTLY on the ground, and is always safe on block.


Yeah, I can't tell you how many foes Justin Wong butt-slammed using that move. It's insane.

So I came to the conclusion that there have been a lot of people complaining about the godlike properties of divekicks recently. I mean, there has to be if a garmody (I used it again! Buahaha!) is being made because of it. And let's face it, you know it's bad when it gets that far. (Psst, I think anything that's controversial should be made into a garmody!)

As for me, I don't have a problem with divekicks (I can Gief my way through it). I also think the garmody is hilarious! I don't care if garmez journalists say it's stupid, because it's SUPPOSED to be! It IS a joke after all.

So, what do you fellow fapsters think about the garmody or divekicks in general? Do you think it should be featured at EVO? Should divekicks be banned in Street Fighter V (some people say it should)?

Well that was a FRESH blog wasn't it? Pat your good ol' self on the back and say "I'm awesome!", because you deserve it! YEAH! Feels good huh?!

See you Space Cowboy.



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