So yeah, I'm Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon. You know, the guy that always puts out funny/witty comments on articles all the damn time.
Here's some fun info that makes me sound credible: I'm currently a junior studying print journalism and creative writing. I'm also a staff writer for The Houstonian (my beat is Internet Culture/Tech). Yup, writing's my thing. And garmez.
With that said, I love this damn site. Even with all the changes here and there. Never have I seen such a great sense of humor on ANY gaming site, which is sad.
Anyway, I've been playing games since before I could walk; Sonic the Hedgehog being the first game I've ever played. I'm a HUGE Mega Man fan, but I'm not the bitchy-complainy type that I keep seeing so much of. The X series is my favorite, hands down.
I'm a fan of fighting games, jrpg's, platformers, shmups, hack n' slashers, etc.
My favorite game so far would have to be Xenogears. That game is deeper than Troy Polamalu's hair. Seriously. It was truly the ultimate story of life, love, and existence.
I game on my PS3, PC, and 3DS by the way.
I also like an occasional anime or two. My favorite of all time is FLCL. What better way to make a show about puberty and sex while poking fun at other anime in just SIX EPISODES right?
Well, that was a fun bio wasn't it? Please welcome me with open arms! Or else I'll have to PUT THE GUNZ AWN!!
What? Were you expecting a .GIF up there like you always do when you read my blogs? Tough titties, chief. I'm breaking my tradition of .GIF intros this time. Why? Cause Gliscor don't need no fancy ass .GIF for a motherfucking intro! I'm gonna tell you why Gliscor is CLEARLY the best Pokemon ever!
1. He gives no fucks. Just LOOK AT HIM! Does he look like he gives a fuck? The answer to that riddle....is no. Oh yeah, he's flipping you off.
2. He's a flying scorpion. Flying scorpions are cool as fuck. A bug with balls on its forehead? LAME. Gliscor has two big ass pincers that will chop your damn balls off! He can fly at night and fuck up anyone who is unlucky enough to bump into this badass. Did I forget to mention he's metal as fuck too?
3. He's a Ground/Flying type. Wait...how is that even possible? Bug/Grass? More like Yuk/Ass. Sewaddle gets boned from so many weaknesses because it's a little bitch. Gliscor's typing makes him nearly indestructible. What's that? You're gonna use electric moves? No effect DUMBASS. Gliscor's only major weakness is ice; but let's face it, you won't use an ice type Pokemon because those are for pussies.
4. He's the best actor in Pokemon, PERIOD. Just look at his Oscar winning performance you Bidoof.
5. He has the biggest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom. You read that correctly. That ain't no tail, that's his dick. His schlong can sting people, can hang from trees, can bounce on it, and he can even SIT ON IT. Can you sit or bounce on your baloney pony? I didn't think so. Sewaddle's deep-v diver pales in comparison to Gliscor's ramburglar (yep, I just used five different names for penis; bitches like different names for penis). What's that? You want proof that he can stand on his Bob Dole (make it six)? Here's your proof:
So as you can see, according to my scholarly research, the evidence here proves that Gliscor is CLEARLY better than Sewaddle--or any Pokemon for that matter!
"Well holy fuckballs Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon! Is there any other Pokemon that comes close to Gliscor?!"
Unfortunately my dear reader, there is. The only Pokemon that could possibly give this badass a run for his money is...............................................
Well, if you haven't seen the comment I made on Andy's blogger's response call, allow me to refresh your memory:
"I'll be honest: I am sick to DEATH of this topic. For the most part, this is all I ever hear about on campus, in the news, and on every game site. Nobody gave two shits about Bioshock's "violence" when it came out years ago. But NOW it's important. NOW it's something that has to be discussed. It's ridiculous. More gore or not, it really doesn't do anything to us except possibly altering our decision of buying the game due to our own unique tastes."
I'll get to the Penn and Teller part later.
Anyway, is this entire "issue" (yeah I put quotations on that; bitches like quotations) even relevant to our everyday lives? I'm a big picture guy, and "issues" like these do nothing but detract us from the real issues that are happening in the gaming industry--let alone the world! What makes this even more ridiculous is that when Bioshock came out six years ago, no one cared about it's violent content AT ALL. It received nothing but praise worldwide. But because of recent incidents and the media's overblown coverage of it, many people are considering the question, "Are video game become to violent?" an "issue". I'm a journalist and even I will call the media out on this bullshit. Yeah, it's that sad. So is there really anything to fear from this "issue"?
HELL NO. The only issue this "issue" brings up for us is whether or not we will buy a particular game because of it's content; in this case, gore or candy canes. But it doesn't really matter, because we are all unique individuals with different tastes. I'm not too big on blood and gore, but that doesn't mean I'm going to complain about it or judge someone because of their preference. I fucking LOVE subjectivity; I'm a writer for crying out loud! So I embrace different opinions and new ideas with a passion.
"Only through others can we discover new ways to be ourselves."
But when it comes to "issues" like these, you know, the ones that have been discussed to death about and carry no weight to them, I just don't want to hear it. In other words, shut up and by the game or just walk away. It's that simple. Don't you hate it when you're looking at a game you're thinking about buying, and some random person scolds you for it? This brings me to my next point:
Oh wait, there isn't one. Why? Because I won't even bother explaining about how there is no correlation between violence and video games. But if your curiosity is tickled that much, I'll embed a great episode from Penn & Teller's show, "Bullshit", that explains it better than anyone else can. Sorry Jim Sterling, but these guys can do magic man. Fucking MAGIC!
I honestly hope that episode didn't surprise you. Sure the video is totally dated (2006 I think?), but the argument against anti-violent video games is timeless. I mean, my younger plays Black Ops 2 more than a #Swag #YOLO #CaliSmoke #IHaveABigDick dude-bro, but that doesn't mean he's going to grow up and become a murderer. The same argument goes for the other end of the spectrum. I play lots of JRPG's, fighting games, and I watch an occasional anime once every blue moon; but that doesn't mean I'm a salty basement dwelling weeabo (or however you spell that). Fallacies such as False Cause and Slippery Slope unfortunately exist in the media thanks to incompetent editors and media figures. And as a result, "issues" such as video games being too "violent" pop up like like herpes all over the internet (bitches don't like herpes).
My point is this: We're all adults here (except for the Blu-Cigs guy), so just shut up and buy the damn game or not.
So can we all get back to typing C-Blogs about awesome things please? I'd much rather read about why Gliscor has the biggest and strongest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom, or why Bomberman Fantasy Race is like, the best racing game EVER!
See ya Space Cowboy.
Gliscor's penis can hang from fucking trees, man. TREES!
Mystical. It is the only word I can use to describe the euphoria I felt on Saturday March 2, 2013 at 6:29 p.m. CST. Why?
Because at that specific moment in time, I finally beat Final Fantasy VII . . . after 15 years. You read that correctly my fellow readers. Fifteen years.
"Well Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket!", you exclaim in front of your device.
"Why (or how) the hell did it take that long to finish that game?! I know it takes like 60+ hours to completely beat it and all . . . but damn!", you ponder.
Well, it's time to gather around the campfire yet again folks, because uncle Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon's got a story to tell.
And so my tale of rediscovering the one game that got away from me ages ago, The Great White Buffalo, begins.
Getchya popcorn ready!
Fifteen years ago I was a bright-eyed 7 year old boy. The world was my oyster. Everything was beautiful and fascinating as I blissfully approached anything I found interesting with curiosity and fearlessness. I loved video games very much then. They provided me a place where I could let my imagination run wild and explore other worlds I couldn’t begin to fathom. My head was always in the clouds back then; being blissfully unaware of the world and its harsh reality around me. It goes without saying that video games and books were a godsend for me. School was very rough. I didn’t have any friends or acquaintances that saw the world the same way I did. They thought I was weird and strange, so I was kind of an outcast. But I was okay with that! As long as I had something to escape to at home, I was happy.
So video games were my saving grace. It reminded me that there were still people out there in the world that had their heads in the clouds like I did. They weren’t afraid to express their imagination. Man, the games developers came up with in 90’s . . . it was incredible! But nothing prepared me for the day I stumbled upon the first game that ever engrossed me: Final Fantasy VII.
I found it lying on the floor in my room. And to this day, I will never know how it got there. My older brother wasn’t into video games like myself, so it couldn’t have been his. It almost seemed as if fate had placed it there for some reason. Needless to say, the cover was calling to me.
I will never forget the awe this cover instilled in me
The whitewash. The giant building (“Was that a robot?!” I thought then). The mysterious blonde with the ludicrously sized sword. It was all fascinating! It brought an air of endlessness and suspense. The cover spoke to the adventurer deep within my soul. It called out to my imagination. Oh, the excitement I felt! It was just wonderful, it really was. And so I opened the case and read through the manual like a religious zealot. The cover gave me so many unanswered questions:
“Who is that blonde figure? What is its story? What does ‘RPG’ mean?”
The manual made no sense to me. I couldn’t grasp what it was trying to say. So I decided to play the game itself to see what was in store. I had no idea I was in for such a treat.
The cinematic intro put me in complete astonishment. The stars in the night sky shined so bright as in real life. The woman in red was mysterious, yet beautiful. The city was fascinating, yet somewhat depressing. But what hit me the most was the music. I never heard such a melody before. It made me feel as if time was perfectly still . . . until the train sequence comes along. A sense of urgency and importance washed over me as I saw the mysterious blonde (boy?) at the train station. And then my first battle happened. I never played an RPG before, so it was an entirely new experience. It was the first game I ever played that involved real strategy. I actually had to use my head and think?! This mechanic was right down my alley. I felt unstoppable as I decimated the futile soldiers in my path towards the train. The whole experience was intoxicating for my young mind then. Oh yeah, I didn’t have a memory card at the time, so I kept replaying the prologue over and over again. I knew Guard Scorpion like the back of my hand.
How’s that for insanity, eh?
It was also the first game I played that gave you the freedom to name your characters. As cool as I thought that was however, I decided to keep it OG (homeboy) and not change anything. I figured they were that way for a reason. And yeah, I’m glad I did that today. The names Cloud, Lockheart, and Sephiroth make a lot of sense when I think about it. But alas, the good fortune only lasted for so long. Just as soon as it appeared, it was gone like a one night stand. I remember searching all over the 2-bedroom apartment for it. I was constantly asking my brother if he knew where it went; but I never got an answer. It was just . . . gone.
“Like a panda with a mean face…”
Needless to say, I moved on with my life and grew up. In a weird way, I kind of forgot about FFVII, but remnants of it always remained in the far corners of my mind. I always felt that I would come back to it someday, but I didn’t have the funds, the hardware, or the time to do so. But that all changed four years ago when I finally bought myself a PS3. Man, was that an awesome investment. Demon’s Souls was great, but I decided to surf PSN to see what it was all about.
And then I saw it . . . for $10. It was the first PSN purchase I ever made.
Like a long lost lover, we got intimate fast. My nostalgia sensors were off the charts! The wonky d-pad controls, the blocky polygonal models, and the music all took me back. And who could forget Barrett and his $#@!&%* swearing! It was just awesome! But more importantly, I finally began to understand the story, its theme, and why the characters were named the way they are. If only we could save the Earth like they did for the Planet . . .
So there I was, sitting in my apartment on Saturday, March 2nd, 2013. I should’ve been working on my news article for The Houstonian, but Safer Sephiroth was just asking for it. One Quadra+Knights of The Round summon and several minutes later (yeah I did it like that, sue me) he slowly disintegrates into oblivion. Oh and don’t worry folks, I witnessed the awesomeness of Supernova before Arthur cleaved him in half. And so Sephiroth was destroyed! Right?
Then I heard that bell . . . and my heart dropped.
I saw a super tan (seriously, that dark?!) man with long silver hair and cold, jade-green eyes. No shirt, no armor, no wings, and no funny business: just a man and his blade. He made it clear that he will never be just a memory. He looked dead serious . . .
And then I Omnislashed THE FUCK out of him!
It was finally over. After leveling up characters, getting ultimate weapons, materia hunting, chocobo breeding, snowboarding, submarining, gauntlet challenging, getting level 4 limit breaks, and pussying out against Emerald and Ruby (oh hell no), I finally freakin did it. And I’ve finally said “finally” four times in a paragraph…finally (shit--make it five).
At last, I got to join the many gamers who witnessed The Endless Sea of Stars. I knew I would get there eventually; it just took me fifteen years to do it, that's all!
See ya Space Cowboy.
If Earth goes to shit one day, fuck Captain Planet! I’m calling THESE GUYS!
Jokes aside though, it's time that I get a bit more serious this time around. I'm here to share a small tale of mine; for the hopes that one day, this legendary enigma will surface once again to grace our souls with his beautiful melody.
Zohar002. That screen name alone gives me chills. There is so much irony to that name; and yet, it feels justified while exuding a mysterious air. Sit around the campfire folks, because I'm about to tell you the mysteriously brief legend about the greatest video game cover pianist of all time.
This international man of mystery (YEAH BABY!) first debuted onto YouTube on August 4th, 2007 with his cover of "Corridors of Time". For those who don't know, it's one of the musical masterpieces from Chrono Trigger. Be a fancy bear, and watch his performance below.
His technique is absolutely flawless. His hands move like water. He flows as eloquently as woman's gentle touch. And I'll admit it, those are some sexy ass hands. But what makes this cover even more impressive is that the sheet music for this piece was originally intended to be played by two people!
WHY?! DEAR GOD WHY?!
Personally, "Corridors of Time" is my favorite track from Chrono Trigger. In essence the music effortlessly complemented the exotic and mystical setting. I can literally visualize the floating kingdom while listening with my eyes closed. Zohar002's cover was so emotional, compelling, and powerful that it actually brought tears to my eyes; and it wasn't for nostalgia's sake either. His cover was just that beautiful. What made him truly special was his unique delivery while still staying true to the original at the same time. I call it, "uniqinal" (fusing words! I've done it again! Buahaha!).
I referred to him as a man of mystery (SHAG-A-DELIC!) because no one knows who he is. Rumor has it that he is actually the legendary musical composer, Yasunori Mitsuda! There hasn't been any proof to that yet, but I could understand why it might be him. For starters, he has the physical sheet music either on display or is using it in his videos. Another reason why he might be Mitsuda, is because the sheet music for "Corridors of Time" is absolutely brutal to learn and master; which makes sense because he did compose the music himself. It is said that he worked so hard at composing the 54 tracks for Chrono Trigger that he developed stomach ulcers and had to be hospitalized!
Passion. Dedication. Ulcers. FUCK.
Given his unrelenting love for his own music, I could see why Zohar002's absolutely flawless performance and mastery of that track alone gave speculation for his potential identity. His country of origin even says Japan on his Youtube channel! But the biggest irony (and potential giveaway) of all lays within the screen name itself. The root word "Zohar" is an extremely important term from the legendary JRPG, Xenogears. Mitsuda was also the musical composer for that game. Go figure, eh?
His cover of Xenogears's "Shevat, The Wind is Calling", is another peerless cover. Although the flute and percussion gave the sense of coolness and urgency to the original track, Zohar002 filled that crucial gap with his soothing strikes of the keys. Be fancy bear yet again, and watch his performance below!
His performance is perfect! It's as if the music was his own to begin with. Xenogears's music is already one of the most beautiful, emotional, and compelling soundtracks I have ever heard. Zohar002's uniqinal (haha!) tribute glorifies it.
Oh, and if Chrono Trigger and Xenogears weren't enough for you, he has also done a cover for Final Fantasy 6 and Star Ocean 3.
It's okay, you can clean your pants afterwards.
Over the past 5 years, he has gained a massive following of fans and viewers on YouTube; over fifteen million to be exact. He has inadvertently inspired millions to make covers of their own. I'd go as far as saying he is reviving the classical art of music itself to the younger generation of viewers out there.
Unfortunately, he disappeared without a trace 4 years ago. He is sorely missed by all of his fans, including me. And honestly, I don't think this man gets enough credit for what he does.
Because of the mystery surrounding his identity, no one knows where he is, where he's been, or what he's been doing. I'm well aware that life happens, but if someone this gifted and talented can create such beautiful music for the world, why stop abruptly? It almost seemed as if he appeared for a particular purpose, and left once he accomplished his goal; whatever that was.
There are so many questions that are still left unanswered today. Who is Zohar002? Why did he appear and disappear so abruptly? Will he ever come back? Is he the legendary Yasunori Mitsuda?
He may forever be a mystery to us all. But there is no mystery about his legacy, his mastery of his craft, and his deep appreciation for the arts. He will always be an inspiration to all video game music lovers out there.
Ahh...yes! Can you feel the minty freshness of something NEW for once? I hope so, cause I'm going to knock your balls out of the park!
"Ka-kiiing! He who conquers the left side conquers the world, chief."
This blog is going to be about--
"NO DR. DOOM! This is not about YOU!"
"Fuut daiv...." :(
So what the hell is this about, you ponder? Well, let me answer your question with a question: "What do Akuma, Rufus, Yun, Vergil, and Dr. Doom all have in common?"
DIVEKICKS MAN! THOSE FUCKING.....DIVEKICKS! ARRRRGGHHH!!!!
John Goodman's disapproval of divekicks.
This blog is about Divekick, the "garmody"! (Yeah, I just fused the words game and parody. Bitches like fused words.)
So a buddy of mine from North Texas University messaged me about it on Facebook a few days ago, saying it should be in EVO and what-not, so it obviously perked my ears. And then he sent me this:
Sweet Ghandi's tits! This is actually a GAME?! Well, despite that it's a parody of a godlike skill in any fighting game, it apparently seems legit. So this led me to do further research about divekicks, and why they're so damn GOOD! I mean, there's a garmody about it after all!
So, how good are divekicks you ask? Let's just say you can tell the difference from a "scrub" Yun from a "pro" Yun just from the usage of divekicks in Third Strike and SS4:AE. That, or just play anyone online in Mahvel and get stuffed like a virgin on prom night by a pro Dr. Doom.
Well, why use divekicks? Well, I don't like getting super technical about frames and shit, so I'll keep it simple. They can be a great tool to get in on your opponent while dealing damage. And if timed correctly with a good combo, mix-up, or cross-up, it can literally DESTROY keep-away characters such as Yukiko, Dormammu, and Dhalism. Overall, they're fast, have good priority, and are more-less safe on block, depending on when and how you use it.
For example, Rufus's Messiah Kick is godlike in every way. It's fast, recovers INSTANTLY on the ground, and is always safe on block.
MOTHER OF GOD....
Yeah, I can't tell you how many foes Justin Wong butt-slammed using that move. It's insane.
So I came to the conclusion that there have been a lot of people complaining about the godlike properties of divekicks recently. I mean, there has to be if a garmody (I used it again! Buahaha!) is being made because of it. And let's face it, you know it's bad when it gets that far. (Psst, I think anything that's controversial should be made into a garmody!)
As for me, I don't have a problem with divekicks (I can Gief my way through it). I also think the garmody is hilarious! I don't care if garmez journalists say it's stupid, because it's SUPPOSED to be! It IS a joke after all.
So, what do you fellow fapsters think about the garmody or divekicks in general? Do you think it should be featured at EVO? Should divekicks be banned in Street Fighter V (some people say it should)?
Well that was a FRESH blog wasn't it? Pat your good ol' self on the back and say "I'm awesome!", because you deserve it! YEAH! Feels good huh?!
See ya Space Cowboy.
HYPER LEMON BUSTER CANNON'S WITTY COMMENT CHALLENGE OF THE DAY!
Your mother walks in on you reading and she sees this! Shit! What do you do?! Comment your next action below!