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I hate mayonnaise.

So yeah, I'm Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon. You know, the guy that always puts out funny/witty comments all the damn time.

Here's some fun info that makes me sound credible: I'm currently a junior studying print journalism and creative writing. I'm also a former journalist for a small publication. Yup, writing's my thing. And garmez.

With that said I love this damn site; even with all the changes here and there. Never have I seen such a great sense of humor on ANY gaming site, which is sad.

Anyway, I've been playing games since before I could walk; Sonic the Hedgehog being the first game I've ever played. I'm a HUGE Mega Man fan, but I'm not the bitchy-complainy type that I keep seeing so much of. The X series is my favorite, hands down.

I'm pretty amalgamative when it comes to gaming genres. I'm a fan of fighting games, jrpg's, platformers, sports, shmups, hack n' slashers, some FPS, etc.

My favorite game so far would have to be Xenogears. That game is deeper than Troy Polamalu's hair. Seriously. It was truly the ultimate story of life, love, and existence.

I also like an occasional anime or two. My favorite of all time is FLCL. What better way to make a show about puberty and sex while poking fun at other anime in just SIX EPISODES right?

Well that was a fun bio wasn't it? Although I fluctuate between my PC, PS3, and 3DS, feel free to hit me up if you're down for a session or two. Don't know my screen name? Scroll down you Bidoof.

See ya Space Cowboy.

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The look says it all.

I'll cut straight to the chase and say it: Pokemon X/Y is more shallow than a 16 year old girl's self-esteem. Now some of you may have gasped at that sentence while arguing, "How the hell is it shallow?! X/Y has so much to offer!" Fine, let me level with everyone for a sec.
Yes, it's in 3D *coughpokemonstadiumcough*.
Yes, there's a new continent to explore.
Yes, there are new gym leaders to crush.
Yes, there are new mechanics.
And yes, they added a few new Pokemon to the roster.
Oh and did I forget to mention the dark storyline? Well shit, put all of that together and you got yourself a promising Gen VI right?

The first 3 weeks of playing X/Y.

After 3 weeks of playing X/Y. Yes, I am Ryan Gosling.

And then you beat it.
Now what? Battle Maison? More like Broken Maison. Trade online? You better have a legendary for that. Fill your Dex? Pokebank solved that problem. The post game is almost non-existent; and don't even mention Looker's stupid ass side quest. Seriously, it's that bad. Whatever happened to having rich post game content? This has been a topic that some (including myself) have briefly mentioned on Pokemon related articles on Destructoid lately now that Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire have been slated for release this fall. Don't get me wrong, X/Y are good games for what they are, but they could have been SO much better. How so? By offering more post game content; and that's what I'm truly hoping for with OR/AS. If Gen III could offer more content than Gen VI did, then OR/AS better be fatter than an Atlanta stripper's ass. To better understand the sheer amount of content Gen III had for its time, let's jump back 11 years ago when Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire came out.

I hate Doctor Who.

Holy balls, it's 2003! Outkast was the musical king! iTunes was born! Bubb Rubb made the whistles go WOOOOOO! But who gives a flying fish about that, Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire just came out! Brand new Pokemon! New lands to explore! Build your own secret hideout! Weather mechanics! Flannery! New moves! New gym leaders! Flannery! Badass legendary Pokemon! Flannery! Holy Miltank, Batman: this game has a lot to offer!

Elesa ain't got shit on this.

For starters, the Hoenn region was a very diverse and expansive environment despite being 60% water. Sure there was a lot of surfing to do, but there were deserts, volcanic areas, actual underwater segments (I'm looking at you B/W 2), forests, tropical villages, Sootopolis City (Coolest. City. Ever.), and the Pokemon League was its own fucking island. Not to mention the plethora of secret hideouts you could make if one of your Pokemon knew Secret Power. And if you went to the secret Pokemart Roof Sale at Lilycove City, you could buy boards to cover up those stupid holes! Moving to new areas and creating new hideouts were a lot of fun to do in post game. How about Sky Pillar, where the third legendary Pokemon is secretly located? You better master your mach bike skills to have a prayer of reaching the top; not to mention surviving by the skin of your Bonslys against Rayquaza. Diverse environment? Check.

Okay, what about hunting legendary Pokemon? Well Gen III has you covered there too. Let's go ahead and start with the coolest legendary of all time.

Am I doing it right?

LOOK AT THAT MAJESTIC SON OF A BITCH! As you can see, Kyogre (the Sea Basin Pokemon), is based off an Orca. Orcas are cool as fuck. Not only can this denizen of the deep summon an endless rainstorm and raise sea levels to unimaginable heights, it looks cool doing it. Okay, so maybe water isn't your thing. There's always Groudon, but Kyogre is cooler so let's stop talking about a dry dinosaur. But what about the legendary trio? Let's just say they're hard. Real hard. They're so hard they make Bruce Willis die soft. Eh, you're still shaking your head aren't you. Well let me ask you a question: What happens when Regis Philbin has a menage with a boulder, a block of ice, and a steel ingot? You get three legendary Pokemon that are so hard that I get hard just thinking about it. Regirock, Regice, and Registeel. And they're all hidden away in what is the most cryptic fashion in Pokemon history. But wait, there's more! We forgot to mention three more legendary Pokemon (and they're OP as fuck): Latios, Latias, and Deoxys. Latios and Latias are both extremely fast Dragon/Psychic Pokemon that love to run away......a lot. Deoxys is the (tentacle rape monster) alien virus Pokemon that can change into three different forms: Attack, Defense, and Speed. Don't forget that the last three I mentioned could only be attained by attending special Nintendo events. Well I'll be! A video game forcing you to get out and attend social events unlike X/Y; which encourages hermitism (I just made up an new word, bitches like new words). Badass legendary Pokemon? Check.

Well what about the normal Pokemon? Well don't you worry mi amigo, because GameFreak 03' just decided to cram 135 new Pokemon in your pants! I'm no calculus professor but that's a lot of Pokemon to catch. Let's look at Gen VI since, you know, technology has advanced 11 fucking years and we get.........70. *sigh* Massive amount of new Pokemon? Check.

I'm not even going to bother explaining the disparity there.

Alright, but what about battling? Two words: Battle Frontier. That's right, I said frontier. A mansion? Bitch please. Broken Maison wishes it was half as awesome. So what is Battle Frontier? It's a giant island with seven different battle arenas. SEVEN.

I hate Disneyland.

Count those buildings you Bidoof. Did you get seven? Good. No? Go stuff your face with carrots. Why are there seven different arenas? Well for seven different approaches to battling of course! Allow me to break them down piece by piece.

The Battle Tower: Bigger, Longer, Stronger.

The Battle Tower is the most basic of the seven. It's basically like Broken Maison except......not broken.

The Battle Palace: Ash's Pikachu mode.

The Battle Palace is where Pokemon battle on their own without any commands from their trainers. Your Pokemon battle according to their nature, which can fluctuate depending on the damage they're taking. Also the moves your Pokemon use will be completely different depending on their nature too. Pretty balls to the wall eh?

The Battle Factory: Rent to win.

The Battle Factory is basically the Battle Tent in Slateport City, except much harder.

The Battle Pyramid: Demon's Souls mode

The Battle Pyramid is absolutely insane. It's basically a 7-floor pitch black dungeon, but here's the kicker: you can't bring any items into the building, you can only use the items that you find inside, and the floor only lights up by defeating opponents. Oh yeah, there's also wild Pokemon waiting to chomp on your Bonslys.

The Battle Dome: Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitch.

Ah, the Battle Dome. It's a massive 16-trainer tournament with a slight twist: Before each battle, you can see what Pokemon your opponents are using, their fighting style, and how they train. You can also find who got their ass kicked by checking the bracket. Pretty nifty. All it needs is Randy Savage as a commentator, but he's dead. Bummer.

The Battle Arena: The 36th Chamber of The Shaolin Chungus.

You know, with the layout of this place, you seriously would've thought they'd name it The Battle Dojo. On to more important things, this lovely place showcases team based battles (2v2) with judges scoring on how well you perform in three categories: Mind, Skill, and Body. Yeah, they just went Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles philosophy on your ass. So it's basically 2v2 for three rounds, and if both Pokemon last all three, you get rated based on those three aspects. The higher score wins. If there's a tie, the judge says you both suck and kicks both trainers out. If you knock your opponent's ass out via TKO, it's an automatic win. Pretty badass. Makes me want to watch Bloodsport.

The Battle Pike: Totally not an 18th hole course in mini golf.

Last but not least, the Battle Pike. It's a pretty weird arena in that the layout is confusing. There are 21 rooms via seven sets of three. I'm no herpetologist but I'm pretty sure a snake's insides aren't that roomy. Anyway, it's basically an "event" arena in that whatever set you choose to walk through, any of these eight events will happen: single battle, double battle, single battle + healing, wild Pokemon, no event, status effect, 1 or 2 recovery, and full recovery. Phew! That's a pretty crazy ride. I only have one question though: Since you entered through the mouth, if you win, do you exit though the bu.....actually, never mind. I don't want to know.

That wraps it up for battling. Broken Maison really sucks now right? Told ya. Here's the best part: you will never have to face broken AI like a Walrein with 100% accurate Sheer Cold. So not only do you get to battle tough trainers, but also in seven different fun and exciting formats! And it's all in one place! You can't beat that value! Battling variety? Check.

Alrighty then, time to jump back to our present era.

Wait, this isn't time jumping! Or is it...?

Holy Shroomish, I just covered a whole lot of ground back there. Let's do a quick recap on why Gen III had so much more content than Gen VI.
Diverse environment, check.
Badass legendary Pokemon, check.
Massive amount of new Pokemon, check.
Battling variety, check.
Flannery, check check check.

I just gave you five damned good reasons. Quit your bitchin. Now that Gen III is getting the modern treatment, I seriously hope that OR/AS will be just as robust as it once was 11 years ago. When you look at what X/Y has for regular and post game content in comparison to R/S/E, it's sad. You'd think X/Y would just bust the doors down and smack you in the face with the all the hype it had. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed X/Y for what it was, but it could've been so much more.

And that's why hindsight is always 20/20.

See ya Space Cowboy.

[Note: "Hindsight Is Always 20/20" is my new blog series that I'm starting up. Yes, I finally brainstormed an excellent idea after two months. The concept is that I take a retrospective look at certain games, old and modern, and see how they shape up after I've played them. If the game is a series, I'll compare and contrast the iterations of my choosing. This is only the beginning, mi amigos. Tonight, the C-Blogs. Tomorrow, THE WORLD!!!!!]

Gen III Music: "YEA BUT DEM TRUMPETS DOE!" edition.



It's been almost a year since my last blog, and a lot has happened since then. Why have I been gone from the C-blogs for so long? Put it like this: When you're trying to balance between school, work, social life and writing for a college publication you won't  have time for writing about the things you love. ESPECIALLY when you're writing for a newspaper. But hey, at least I got an above-the-fold front page article!
Journalistic Masturbation

I was even able to sneak in Destructoid at one point; although I chose to stand for Adblock in this viewpoint article. Sorry Niero!

Well, now you guys have seen my name and my handsome ass face (psst, dude on the left). I've written a ton of articles in my time there. Some were pretty good while some were kind of half-assed (deadline night can sometimes make you lazy); but hey, at least I got enough practice for my journalism career. So yeah, that's what was gobbling up most of my time. Another major reason why I stopped writing C-blogs for so long is because I ran out of ideas; and over time I got lazy about writing new ones. The thing is, I put A LOT of effort into my blogs. If I don't give it my all, there's no fucking point in doing it in the first place.

Anyway, this is more of a shortblog to let you guys know that I'M BACK! I'm already brainstorming new topics to write and discuss about with you guys, so keep your dongs perked in the meantime!

See ya Space Cowboy.

It's good to be back.

Fucking BADASS

What? Were you expecting a .GIF up there like you always do when you read my blogs? Tough titties, chief. I'm breaking my tradition of .GIF intros this time. Why? Cause Gliscor don't need no fancy ass .GIF for a motherfucking intro! I'm gonna tell you why Gliscor is CLEARLY the best Pokemon ever!

1. He gives no fucks.
Just LOOK AT HIM! Does he look like he gives a fuck? The answer to that riddle....is no. Oh yeah, he's flipping you off.

2. He's a flying scorpion. Flying scorpions are cool as fuck.
A bug with balls on its forehead? LAME. Gliscor has two big ass pincers that will chop your damn balls off! He can fly at night and fuck up anyone who is unlucky enough to bump into this badass. Did I forget to mention he's metal as fuck too?

3. He's a Ground/Flying type. Wait...how is that even possible?
Bug/Grass? More like Yuk/Ass. Sewaddle gets boned from so many weaknesses because it's a little bitch. Gliscor's typing makes him nearly indestructible. What's that? You're gonna use electric moves? No effect DUMBASS. Gliscor's only major weakness is ice; but let's face it, you won't use an ice type Pokemon because those are for pussies.

4. He's the best actor in Pokemon, PERIOD.
Just look at his Oscar winning performance you Bidoof.

5. He has the biggest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom.
You read that correctly. That ain't no tail, that's his dick. His schlong can sting people, can hang from trees, can bounce on it, and he can even SIT ON IT. Can you sit or bounce on your baloney pony? I didn't think so. Sewaddle's deep-v diver pales in comparison to Gliscor's ramburglar (yep, I just used five different names for penis; bitches like different names for penis). What's that? You want proof that he can stand on his Bob Dole (make it six)? Here's your proof:

So as you can see, according to my scholarly research, the evidence here proves that Gliscor is CLEARLY better than Sewaddle--or any Pokemon for that matter!

"Well holy fuckballs Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon! Is there any other Pokemon that comes close to Gliscor?!"

Unfortunately my dear reader, there is. The only Pokemon that could possibly give this badass a run for his money is...............................................


See ya Space Cowboy.

"The Rainbow Pokemon" by EraserRain18

I've hit my Limit Break with this shit.

Well, if you haven't seen the comment I made on Andy's blogger's response call, allow me to refresh your memory:

"I'll be honest: I am sick to DEATH of this topic. For the most part, this is all I ever hear about on campus, in the news, and on every game site. Nobody gave two shits about Bioshock's "violence" when it came out years ago. But NOW it's important. NOW it's something that has to be discussed. It's ridiculous. More gore or not, it really doesn't do anything to us except possibly altering our decision of buying the game due to our own unique tastes."

I'll get to the Penn and Teller part later.

Anyway, is this entire "issue" (yeah I put quotations on that; bitches like quotations) even relevant to our everyday lives? I'm a big picture guy, and "issues" like these do nothing but detract us from the real issues that are happening in the gaming industry--let alone the world! What makes this even more ridiculous is that when Bioshock came out six years ago, no one cared about it's violent content AT ALL. It received nothing but praise worldwide. But because of recent incidents and the media's overblown coverage of it, many people are considering the question, "Are video game become to violent?" an "issue". I'm a journalist and even I will call the media out on this bullshit. Yeah, it's that sad. So is there really anything to fear from this "issue"?

HELL NO. The only issue this "issue" brings up for us is whether or not we will buy a particular game because of it's content; in this case, gore or candy canes. But it doesn't really matter, because we are all unique individuals with different tastes. I'm not too big on blood and gore, but that doesn't mean I'm going to complain about it or judge someone because of their preference. I fucking LOVE subjectivity; I'm a writer for crying out loud! So I embrace different opinions and new ideas with a passion.

"Only through others can we discover new ways to be ourselves."

But when it comes to "issues" like these, you know, the ones that have been discussed to death about and carry no weight to them, I just don't want to hear it. In other words, shut up and by the game or just walk away. It's that simple. Don't you hate it when you're looking at a game you're thinking about buying, and some random person scolds you for it? This brings me to my next point:

Oh wait, there isn't one. Why? Because I won't even bother explaining about how there is no correlation between violence and video games. But if your curiosity is tickled that much, I'll embed a great episode from Penn & Teller's show, "Bullshit", that explains it better than anyone else can. Sorry Jim Sterling, but these guys can do magic man. Fucking MAGIC!

I honestly hope that episode didn't surprise you. Sure the video is totally dated (2006 I think?), but the argument against anti-violent video games is timeless. I mean, my younger plays Black Ops 2 more than a #Swag #YOLO #CaliSmoke #IHaveABigDick dude-bro, but that doesn't mean he's going to grow up and become a murderer. The same argument goes for the other end of the spectrum. I play lots of JRPG's, fighting games, and I watch an occasional anime once every blue moon; but that doesn't mean I'm a salty basement dwelling weeabo (or however you spell that). Fallacies such as False Cause and Slippery Slope unfortunately exist in the media thanks to incompetent editors and media figures. And as a result, "issues" such as video games being too "violent" pop up like like herpes all over the internet (bitches don't like herpes).

My point is this: We're all adults here (except for the Blu-Cigs guy), so just shut up and buy the damn game or not.

So can we all get back to typing C-Blogs about awesome things please? I'd much rather read about why Gliscor has the biggest and strongest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom, or why Bomberman Fantasy Race is like, the best racing game EVER!

See ya Space Cowboy.

Gliscor's penis can hang from fucking trees, man. TREES!




Remember this?

Mystical. It is the only word I can use to describe the euphoria I felt on Saturday March 2, 2013 at 6:29 p.m. CST. Why?

Because at that specific moment in time, I finally beat Final Fantasy VII . . . after 15 years. You read that correctly my fellow readers. Fifteen years.

"Well Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket!", you exclaim in front of your device.
"Why (or how) the hell did it take that long to finish that game?! I know it takes like 60+ hours to completely beat it and all . . . but damn!", you ponder.

Well, it's time to gather around the campfire yet again folks, because uncle Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon's got a story to tell.

And so my tale of rediscovering the one game that got away from me ages ago, The Great White Buffalo, begins.

Getchya popcorn ready!

Fifteen years ago I was a bright-eyed 7 year old boy. The world was my oyster. Everything was beautiful and fascinating as I blissfully approached anything I found interesting with curiosity and fearlessness. I loved video games very much then. They provided me a place where I could let my imagination run wild and explore other worlds I couldn’t begin to fathom. My head was always in the clouds back then; being blissfully unaware of the world and its harsh reality around me. It goes without saying that video games and books were a godsend for me. School was very rough. I didn’t have any friends or acquaintances that saw the world the same way I did. They thought I was weird and strange, so I was kind of an outcast. But I was okay with that! As long as I had something to escape to at home, I was happy.

So video games were my saving grace. It reminded me that there were still people out there in the world that had their heads in the clouds like I did. They weren’t afraid to express their imagination. Man, the games developers came up with in 90’s . . . it was incredible! But nothing prepared me for the day I stumbled upon the first game that ever engrossed me: Final Fantasy VII.
I found it lying on the floor in my room. And to this day, I will never know how it got there. My older brother wasn’t into video games like myself, so it couldn’t have been his. It almost seemed as if fate had placed it there for some reason. Needless to say, the cover was calling to me.

I will never forget the awe this cover instilled in me

The whitewash. The giant building (“Was that a robot?!” I thought then). The mysterious blonde with the ludicrously sized sword. It was all fascinating! It brought an air of endlessness and suspense. The cover spoke to the adventurer deep within my soul. It called out to my imagination. Oh, the excitement I felt! It was just wonderful, it really was. And so I opened the case and read through the manual like a religious zealot. The cover gave me so many unanswered questions:
“Who is that blonde figure? What is its story? What does ‘RPG’ mean?”
The manual made no sense to me. I couldn’t grasp what it was trying to say. So I decided to play the game itself to see what was in store. I had no idea I was in for such a treat.

The cinematic intro put me in complete astonishment. The stars in the night sky shined so bright as in real life. The woman in red was mysterious, yet beautiful. The city was fascinating, yet somewhat depressing. But what hit me the most was the music. I never heard such a melody before. It made me feel as if time was perfectly still . . . until the train sequence comes along. A sense of urgency and importance washed over me as I saw the mysterious blonde (boy?) at the train station. And then my first battle happened. I never played an RPG before, so it was an entirely new experience. It was the first game I ever played that involved real strategy. I actually had to use my head and think?! This mechanic was right down my alley. I felt unstoppable as I decimated the futile soldiers in my path towards the train. The whole experience was intoxicating for my young mind then. Oh yeah, I didn’t have a memory card at the time, so I kept replaying the prologue over and over again. I knew Guard Scorpion like the back of my hand.

How’s that for insanity, eh?

It was also the first game I played that gave you the freedom to name your characters. As cool as I thought that was however, I decided to keep it OG (homeboy) and not change anything. I figured they were that way for a reason. And yeah, I’m glad I did that today. The names Cloud, Lockheart, and Sephiroth make a lot of sense when I think about it. But alas, the good fortune only lasted for so long. Just as soon as it appeared, it was gone like a one night stand. I remember searching all over the 2-bedroom apartment for it. I was constantly asking my brother if he knew where it went; but I never got an answer. It was just . . . gone.

“Like a panda with a mean face…”

Needless to say, I moved on with my life and grew up. In a weird way, I kind of forgot about FFVII, but remnants of it always remained in the far corners of my mind. I always felt that I would come back to it someday, but I didn’t have the funds, the hardware, or the time to do so. But that all changed four years ago when I finally bought myself a PS3. Man, was that an awesome investment. Demon’s Souls was great, but I decided to surf PSN to see what it was all about.

And then I saw it . . . for $10. It was the first PSN purchase I ever made.

Like a long lost lover, we got intimate fast. My nostalgia sensors were off the charts! The wonky d-pad controls, the blocky polygonal models, and the music all took me back. And who could forget Barrett and his $#@!&%* swearing! It was just awesome! But more importantly, I finally began to understand the story, its theme, and why the characters were named the way they are. If only we could save the Earth like they did for the Planet . . .

So there I was, sitting in my apartment on Saturday, March 2nd, 2013. I should’ve been working on my news article for The Houstonian, but Safer Sephiroth was just asking for it. One Quadra+Knights of The Round summon and several minutes later (yeah I did it like that, sue me) he slowly disintegrates into oblivion. Oh and don’t worry folks, I witnessed the awesomeness of Supernova before Arthur cleaved him in half. And so Sephiroth was destroyed! Right?

Then I heard that bell . . . and my heart dropped.

I saw a super tan (seriously, that dark?!) man with long silver hair and cold, jade-green eyes. No shirt, no armor, no wings, and no funny business: just a man and his blade. He made it clear that he will never be just a memory. He looked dead serious . . .

And then I Omnislashed THE FUCK out of him!

It was finally over. After leveling up characters, getting ultimate weapons, materia hunting, chocobo breeding, snowboarding, submarining, gauntlet challenging, getting level 4 limit breaks, and pussying out against Emerald and Ruby (oh hell no), I finally freakin did it. And I’ve finally said “finally” four times in a paragraph…finally (shit--make it five).

At last, I got to join the many gamers who witnessed The Endless Sea of Stars. I knew I would get there eventually; it just took me fifteen years to do it, that's all!

See ya Space Cowboy.

If Earth goes to shit one day, fuck Captain Planet! I’m calling THESE GUYS!