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5:31 AM on 04.26.2013

So, that special edition of Riptide, the one with the figurine...

Imagine my delight at finding an objet d'art that combined my twin loves of weirdly conservative titillation, and graphic depictions of faceless, mutilated women. Pretty special right? It's like Zoo magazine did a photoshoot of bodies found in suitcases. Obviously, I gave this thing pride of place on the mantlepiece, right next to my replica katanas.

But then I started to think, what if I ever had people over to my bedsit? I mean, would they "get" it? Would they appreciate that, while I enjoy looking at dismembered women with their secondary sexual characteristics intact, it's not like I'm thinking about real people... mothers and daughters like Liu Guang Hua and Tanya Byrd. What's hot about that? What the feminazis don't understand is that for me this is an abstraction; simply a representation of perfect mindlessness and sexual submission. I'm literally not seeing anything other than a fantasy of awesome pliant flesh that's incapable of judging me. But what if some dumb bitch came over, saw my statue, and didn't get how harmless this all is? With a heavy heart I took down the torso and chucked it under my bed.

I don't know, seems like I wasted quite a lot of money here. Maybe I'll see if I can mount my fleshlight in it or something.

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