Quantcast
Community Discussion: Blog by Hemarroid | Hemarroid's ProfileDestructoid
Hemarroid's Profile - Destructoid

DestructoidJapanatorTomopopFlixist





click to hide banner header
About
Your friendly bastard casual hardcore gamer.
Badges
Following (1)  


1. I know, my nick has a typo, but it is suppose to! There's a really old and funny story behind it, so... don't ask about it.

2. I was a Counter-Strike pseudo-pro-player, I have been in at least 15 clans, until the time I got bored, and found that there was another live in the other side of the screen... or at least there was, I forgot to feed my rat, and he ended up a little... dead. RIP Peidolas

3. I'm an European citizen (more concretely Portuguese) with American tastes in terms of cars and bikes. So if you live in America and your fed up with your mustang please send to me!

4. At this moment I don't have any console, it's only me, my old pc and my sackboy, not the lbp sackboy, MY "sackboy"!
Still, I am a proud owner of a Spectrum ZX, a Genesis and a PSX, and with some luck briefly I'll own a DS, but before that Nintendo needs to drop the DS price, DO YOU HEAR ME NINTENDO? STOP PRINTING MONEY!

5. I'm not a fat ass guy who stays most of his time seated in front of his pc, actually every day I walk about 2 kilometers to go to university, and time to time I practice freeride.

6. My musical taste is quite... noisy, I pretty much love Moonspell, R.A.M.P, Devil Driver, QOTSA, and when I want something more peacefull I'll go for some Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd or Deep Purple.
When I have some time I'll grab my bass and wake up my neighbors.

7. For now I have 2 pending projects, an online game (still in the planning phase), and a messenger program, that maybe I'll change the ideia of messenger protocols that we are used to.

8. I fucking hate to shave, why does beard grow so fast? And since I don't have much patience to shave, most of the time I look like a bum.

9. I'm a old school gamer, I still get more fun from playing games like arkanoid than many recent games. Because games are made to people have fun!

10. There's so few things to talk about me that I really don't know what number 10 should be... ohh I know: "I am a banana!"








Number 10
Dante - Devil May Cry

Why he is on the top 10?
Do you know anyone who can fight a horde of demoniac creatures while a slice of pizza is up in the air, and when all the fuckers are killed you still can grab it and eat it? At least I don't.
He uses a fucking huge sword and a nice pair of pistols, and he does hell a nice pack of combos? What would you want more?
Why he is not in first place?
He kinda cheats, after all he is half-human half-demon, so it isn't fair for the human characters.



Number 9
The Straight Line - Tetris

Why he is on the top 10?
Really guys how many times in tetris you needed the straight line? Almost all the time! You can't go wrong with it, and when he appears it's like xmas came earlier... but in 2D.
Why he is not in first place?
Although the straight line is great, some people can still fuck up the game, and put the line in the wrong place, and if you were in a bad situation, then basically you are now officially screwed!



Number 8
Samus - Metroid

Why SHE is on the top 10?
Seriously when you played Metroid for the first time what was your first thought? "Man, this guy with this armored suit rocks!", and when you ended the game what did you thought? Was it: "OMG IT'S A CHICK!"? Sure it was, and only for that she deserves to be in this list!
Why SHE is not in first place?
Come on! It's a girl for god sake! And everybody knows that the place for a girl is in the kitchen! ... Just kiding darling...



Number 7
Zero - Megaman

Why he is on the top 10?
Because he is awesome! He's like Megaman's mentor, and he fucking uses a plasma-laser-thing sword. And if this isn't enought you still have the Zero Virus which is a bad version of him!
Why he is not in the first place?
Well he is too much in second place in the Megaman X series, so I guess is not that bad ass...



Number 6
Gordon Freeman - Half-Life

Why he is on the top 10?
Imagine this, you're a scientist working in some top secret experiment, and from one moment to another hell break loose, and aliens are all over the place, what would you do? Scream like a little girl? Get the most powerful weapon you can find? Commit suicide? No! You grab a fucking crowbar and start an alien killing spree!
Why he is not in the first place?
He looks a nerd and he is to much similar to Adam from the Mythbusters.



Number 5
Kratos - God of War

Why he is on the top 10?
Pffff do I need to say why? Ok I'll say why: because he is FUCKING AWESOME! ... and he get's laid...
Why he is not int the first place?
He is basicly a god, so... no.



Number 4
Altair - Assassin's Creed

Why he is on the top 10?
He's an assassin for god sake! He uses that cool robe, uses a freaking hidden blade, climbs building, has no mercy when it's killing time and he is missing one finger.
Why he is not in the first place?
In the beggining of the game he was a dougebad what was awesome, but at the ending he was a little too much nice to people, so he just lose the first place with that.



Number 3
Sephiroth / Cloud / Vincent - Final Fantast VII

Why THEY are on the top 10?
To tell the truth I didn't knew who to choose, so hell this is my list so they are all three in number 3!
They have cool weapons, they are fashion, and they KICK ASS! And there isn't a coller battle that Cloud vs Sephiroth in Advent Children

[b]Why they are not in the first place?
[/b]In China they say: "The bigger your weapon is, the smaller your di..."



Number 2
Solid Snake - Metal Gear Solid

Why he is on the top 10?
It's fucking Solid Snake, he doesn't need a reason to be where, he just belongs were! Even the old Snake, with that awesome mustache!
Why he is not in the first place?
You must be thinking why in hell he isn't in first place, it's my list so SHUT UP!



And... NUMBER 1!
Duke Nukem - Duke Nukem

Why he is on the top 10?
"It's time to kick ass and chew gum and I've ran out of gum"... THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME! I mean this guy shits on a alien face, how could someone be cooler that this? He doesn't need a reason to be number one, hell he is the fucking number one it self, even the freaking Megadeth made a cover of his theme song, and that in my little world is FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Duke Nukem... YOU FUCKING ROCK! Can't wait to play Duke Nukem Forever... if someday it comes out...
Photo Photo Photo







Hemarroid
4:31 PM on 02.04.2009

So here I am for another game review, with my dear Miss Beer. This time Iím gonna review Mirrorís Edge, which is a game about running... and thatís it, thanks for your time.



Now a little more seriously, I might have been a little too frontal with that, but really for a game that had so much publicity, and so many people talking about the freedom it can give to you, I am starting to think what the hell game producers are thinking! Seriously why donít they make a game where the only thing you have to do is run? Oh wait I forgot, Mirrorís Edge does that!

Some time ago, lots of people criticized Assassinís Creed for being too much repetitive and you had so many few things to do, and now those guys say that Mirrorís Edge is awesome, despite of having even less to do! What makes it better? Is it the graphic quality? Doesnít sound like it; I mean Assassinís Creed must be one of the best looking games of our time. Is it the soundtrack? I even donít remember of any music from the game, soÖ No! Is it the history? I donít know, I was too busy running to even remember there was a history. Could it be? Nah it canít beÖ the fact that it is in first person perspective? I know, letís make a game about cooking but in first person! Oh yeah COOKING FUCKING MOMMA!

Enough with that, but you know what? I think I know the answer to this question. What makes people like this game is the fact from coming from EA, people were so used to crappy games from EA that this one is like ambrosia, but in fact it is just a turd with lots of ketchup wrapped in some publicity foil.

Enough with the hate about some-bastard-game-company-that-makes-me-mad-since-the-nfsu-series, letís talk about the gameplayÖ NO WAIT I CANíT TALK ABOUT THE GAMEPLAY YET! And whyís that? Well Iím gonna tell you why, because I lost about 2 fucking days to get Mirrorís Edge to work, when I started the game a funny error appeared saying that it wasnít possible to save my game, and the reason was so stupid that even now Iím in shock. I could not save my game because I changed the default location of the My Documents folder, so the game couldnít find it. And now I ask, they donít know how to use system variables? I mean they fucking do games, but still make mistakes like this? I really canít understand, even free games donít do mistakes like this, and they areÖ free! So there I went, folders created and game fully workingÖ almost. PhysX you mother fÖ

I must say that the game looks good, and it is easy to play, sometimes too much easy, but well for some people thatís a good thing, personal taste with you ask me. But one thing really bugs me, why there is so much white? They could use over 10 million colors, but no, letís put all white, itís pretty, and can make people blind in about 5 minutes with the correct lighting!


A nice screenshot of the game

Another thing that annoys me, the game is pretty much linear. When you think in parkour, you think in freedom and infinite ways to get to your objective, but in this game your options are quite limited, and sometimes (when I say sometimes, I really mean almost ALL THE FUCKING TIME) the only options you have is to pass a couple of pipes over or under.

Trust me when I say that there isnít much more to talk about the game, so Iím gonna skip all the wada wada and go full speed for the evaluation.

Graphics: 9/10
Sure they are all pretty and stuff, but please use more colors, or at least less white, and you really need a good graphics card to see all the effects, if you donít haveÖ well youíre a sad panda.

Sound: 2/10
Ehhh I think that the best sound in the entire game is in beginning were you see the footstep and the EA logo.

Gameplay: 8/10
Easy, clean, and smooth they sure did a good job in this part.

Story: 4/10
Not the best or the worst, I think that they spent too much time in the ďinnovationĒ part and less in the argument one, and all the twist were too much obvious.

Total: 6/10
I canít really say that itís a bad game, but itís not what a hardcore gamer would like to play, get pretty boring after some time, after the first 2 levels youíll basically know all that you need to do, and after that all becomes just a running game. This game is more oriented for the casual gamer, who plays it about 10 minutes a day, a level at a time. Another thing that makes me sad is the total gameplay time (about 5 hours).
If you want to know my opinion, donít buy this game, rent it or ask a friend who has it to try it.
Photo Photo







Hemarroid
6:06 AM on 11.09.2008

First of all, I was neutral when I started playing the game, my only thought was: "Hope this game is good". But after installing the game, a drop of cold sweat came down my 7 day beard... there it was, at the launch application, the "Data Files" option! A quick flash of Oblivion came to my mind...a sip from my beer and it was gone... Thank god!


All heil the Data Files! The only way to make Oblivion playable!

Started the game... War... war never changes... although appears that fallout does! Don't get me wrong I'm not talking bad about all the game, there were some parts that I kinda enjoyed, like the flying heads and wadawada...

Well let's start... WARNING THIS ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!

The birth, it was good actually, I think that this is the first game were you can actually see your character birth and your growth (Spore doesn't count), but there were some minor flaws, no big deal though, when babies are born they can't see, and we really can't know if they can listen, but as I said no big deal there, and it doesn't make the game bad, at least you can see your mother's legs... But what I can't really understand is how can a baby jump? Yeah when you are a little more older and you are at your room, you can jump! I have never seen a 1 year old baby jump, they almost can't stand up for god sake!


Moving on... The escape from vault 101...
In this part you can choose to kill (or not) the vault overseer, and this allegedly changes the relation you have with his daughter (personal recommendation, since you can't get laid with her... kill the bastard! Don't stay in friends zone!), but at the end, when you reach the vault exit she talks to you, and what you know... it's the fucking same if you hadn't killed her father. And notice the quality of the voice acting here, you can really feel the drama she's on... I bet the voice acting company name is "No Emotions Inc".


Megaton
Nice city, it was what you expected from a Pos-Apocalyptic event, but the bomb in the middle of the city, I think it's too much... Imagine this, you were living in the Wasteland and you had to build a city, you had two places, one over the river, and the other were a big armed nuclear bomb was... sure you'll choose option number two right?
Either way, you go to a bar, and there you'll find a mafia looking guy... wait I recognize his voice... (a tear of blood came down my face, landing on my sweaty hand...)

May the Night Mother be with you...

BRING ME MORE BEER!
sorry about that... so Lucien Lachance... I mean Mr. Burke asks you if you are interested in blowing that city up, kinda natural right? At least I speak for my self, when I go to a bar there's always a guy that I have never seen asking me to blow up the town...
Another thing that really made me mad was the hooker, I paid the 120caps to the lady, I followed her upstairs into the room, I closed the door and... SHE WENT TO SLEEP! No getting laid in this game... Hurray virgin of the Wasteland! And you know what? YOU DIE VIRGIN!


At this point I'm going to talk only about some events, I really can't remember all that happened in the game, but I kept going in the main quest, find dad.


The No Panties zone!
One thing that I remember from previous Fallout games was the explicit content, many times not in images but in words, and to say the true I kinda felt that some descriptions were missing, sure blowing heads of, or crushing limbs are fun, but images are not as powerful as our imagination, that's one of the reasons that made D&D popular. One thing that Bethesda could have made (since the text description are gone) was to make all as explicit as it was in the old days, but they have failed in that task, even panties were out of the equation...

"Lady you forgot your pant... HOLY SHIT YOU GOT NO ASS!!!"

Maybe they were trying to have another kind of rating, but that even don't makes sense, since there's all that gore from the fighting and also some other references to sexuality like this lamp for example:

At this point I think that they only didn't wanted to make models with underwear, it was faster this way right? And since I found a lot of bugs in this game I guess that I am in fact right.

"Hey Lady show me your panties! No? Then your loss!"


Look, some Radroaches and BUGS!
To be 100% true I was expecting that this game would have some bugs since this game was based in Oblivon, but I wasn't expecting so many, even path finding bugs. Although I must say that NPC's AI were improved, at least I haven't seen two guards from the same faction fight which other.
Many quests in this game involve following some NPC (extremely boring, I am not joking when I say that this may take 10% of the total gameplay time), and many, many times, I end up with them getting stuck on all kinds of things, and worst some times, they make a 180ļ turn because looks like they went to the wrong way. And guess what, if you manage to get close to them, they will stop and ask "What's wrong?", I tell you what's wrong, IT'S WRONG THAT THIS IS TAKING SO MUCH TIME!
For future games I recommend Bethesda programmers to study A* algorithm.

"I'm going this way until I got passed, no matters what!"

This bugs that I have referred I still can handle, but one thing that I can't accept is flying things, there should be some kind of realising law that prohibited games with this kind of bugs to be released. Really Bethesda you screw up big this time, I was enjoying the robot fight and all, but them...


Look out Japan, America finally found the power of flying robots!


So here's now my rating:
Graphics: 9/10
Yes they are kinda nice, not the best I have seen, but they are good, so it gets a 9.
Sound: 3/10
One thing that can make a game stand out is the music, and I don't remember any time at the game to listen to music, expect to that crappy radio, in a big loop. And only thinking about the voice acting... ehhh...
Gameplay: 5/10
It's an fps, and the VAT ehh... after some time you just forget it exists. And the pipboy kinda makes me dizzy, and since you get out of bullets really quick It can become a really pain in the ass.
Wait there's more, you know how much time it took me to finish this game? 7 hours to be exact, I just followed the main quest, and still I got a little lost at the middle. And if you ask me if I want to play this game again my answer is no, I'll just play fallout 1 or 2.
Story: 2/10
I'll tell you now all the game's history: Find dad, and then finish dad's work. And that's it.

Total: 5/10
I'll be honest on this, if you are a fallout fan, do NOT play this, if you are an Oblivion fan, you may enjoy it. For myself, I'll get another pack of beers and bury this game, because it's a RAD+10 title, and I'm not wearing a RAD-Protection suit.
Photo Photo Photo