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HarassmentPanda avatar 3:12 PM on 05.13.2009  (server time)
How Jim Sterling is Single-Handedly Ruining Games Journalism

For those that are slow to read the entire Internet, Destructoid's own Jim Sterling has caused quite a bit of chaos on the 'tubes. First, PLAYSTATION Universe was forced to rebut Mr. Sterling's crude generalizations and haughty misstatements regarding PS3's trophy system. Then, mere hours later, GamePolitics was forced to take Mr. Sterling to task for his libelous statements regarding the journalistic integrity of Mr. Dennis McCauley.

I could not just read these stories and allow Mr. Sterling's reign of terror to continue. So, in the next few paragraphs, I will attempt to explain why Jim Sterling is quite possibly the worst thing to ever happen to video game journalism.

1. Jim Sterling is Fat

And not just a little fat. Jim Sterling is fat to the point of mental infirmity.

Fat people are stupid. This is a scientific fact. As all physically fit people are aware, fat people are incapable of making any sort of positive contribution to society because they are infected with a severe brain fever that I refer to as "mental fatness." In its most mild forms, mental fatness leads to uncontrollable heavy breathing and perpetual jolliness. However, with individuals as large as Mr. Sterling, mental fatness often leads to extreme cynicism and the inability to publicly express any sort of valid opinion. For example, on November 4, 2008 Mr. Sterling made an absurdly sarcastic post trivializing the importance of electing our Lord and Savior, Barack Obama. Fortunately, within 10 comments, LordGloom was able to point out Jim's inability to appreciate the importance of American politics due to his mental fatness: "oh my fucking god jim you are such an arrogant hypocritical fat fucker it sickens me ... go back to being insignificant and get bent, douche[.]"

Thankfully, LordGloom realized that attacking Jim for being fat does not constitute a pointless ad hominem attack. Instead, it underscores the inherent flaw in all commentary offered by Mr. Fatty-Butt Sterling: He knows fuck all about everything because of an accumulation of fat in his meaty, Fils-Aime-like head. The Internet could use more heroes like LordGloom.

2. Jim Sterling Likes Dynasty Warriors

It's no secret that Jim Sterling enjoys anything emblazoned with the Dynasty Warriors logo. While his uniform praise for the series makes sense on one level--every game is identical, it is absurd on another--each game sucks nuts. As everyone on the Internet knows, enjoying a Dynasty Warriors game completely negates your ability to accurately form critical opinions of all other games, as observed by many illustrious community members:

"Everything is rubbish, isn't it Jim? Unless it's a dynasty warriors mash-a-thon . . . er, I mean, strategic action game." - The Stripe

"I love how he gave Dynasty Warriors 6 a better score [than Patapon]." - AlucardX24

Clearly, Jim's appointment to the position of Reviews Editor is the greatest sham in Internet history. His insufferably biased opinions are not only made available to the Destructoid audience, but are also allowed to influence the infinitely important and incredibly prestigious Metacritic scores. As everyone knows, Metacritic is serious business. Stop making it a mockery, Jim.

3. Jim Sterling Sucks at Video Games

As once pointed out by Magesx, Jim's opinions on individual games are typically skewed because he "just suck[s] at the game." I mean, honestly, he didn't even finish Halo Wars before reviewing it. Why? Because he sucks at games and doesn't understand them.

I'm surprised Jim is even able to peck out the tripe he calls journalism with the big, meaty sausage rods he calls fingers. You would think a guy who is both physically and mentally incapable of performing even the most simple in-game actions would know better than to try to operate hyper-sophisticated modern instruments like the keyboard. It is no wonder that he prefers the simplicity of Dynasty Warriors, as being able to mash a thumbstick and slam his giant ham-fist on the X button is all that is required.


The above post is merely a brief, non-exhaustive list of some of Jim's numerous character flaws. I encourage all Destructoid readers to view Jim's posts carefully and help me divine the numerous threats posed by this notoriously devious man.

Also, moronicle.

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